I can’t say I’m equipped to deal with your situation too well…feeling like a spouse is dishonest is a foreign concept to me.

But I do have more questions. Did your viewpoint of your wife change when she got pregnant? What were the circumstances behind her getting pregnant? Did she stop her birth control without telling you, did she poke a hole in a condom, or did it honestly “just happen?” (my mom had an IUD and was on birth control AND my dad used a condom…yet here I am, live and direct).

If dishonesty was involved in her getting pregnant, did that cause your love for her to disintegrate? I’m asking because it’s possible you’ve colored EVERYTHING ELSE she has done through the eyes of one mistake. That’s not really fair. If she used manipulation to get pregnant, I’m not justifying that. You’re entitled to your feelings. But your wife is not her last act of selfishness/mistrust.

If you’ve been married 14 months, and your daughter is 7 months, it stands to reason that your wife was pregnant long before you got married (unless your daughter was premature). Did you get married because she was pregnant?

Have you communicated your feelings to your wife? What was her response/reaction? If you haven’t communicated, why not?

I can’t really go further until you answer some of those questions. But let me give you something I learned in my marriage. When I married my husband, I saw him not only for who he was at the time, but for who he had the potential of becoming. Both were very endearing to me. However, I forgot that on the way to reaching potential, the process can look like a nightmare, and mistakes/failures will happen.

When this took place in my marriage, I was very disillusioned. I felt like I had made the wrong decision, but was trapped by it because I didn’t want to become a statistic. When I communicated that to my husband, we sought counsel and instead of fighting one another, we fought to keep our marriage alive. I can honestly say that now, every day is sweeter than the day before. But that wasn’t the case three years ago.

My husband and I went to the little bar where we had our first date not too long ago and while we were there I remembered the first date and how nervous I was to reach across the table and hold his hand. I wanted him to know that I liked him but I had all those nervous thoughts of “what if he doesn’t like me back?” or “what if I’m moving too fast?” LOL Like someone else mentioned….now I just grab his hand and hold it. LOL

I have been married one year and two months.

We have one child, she is approximately seven months. I really did not want kids just as yet and I communicated that very clearly. I was hoping to start having kids in about 5 years. I have grown to love the little bundle of joy. She melts my heart each time she smiles.

When I met my wife she was just the person I could see myself getting old with. She was a beautiful black woman who loved life. Loved to share. Loved the troubled kids she worked with. Liked my family a real close version to Mary Poppins. Then little by little the reality came in that she was none of the above. The initial discussions that we had in our realtionship were lies, all of it.

Every day I have to deal with people who may lie for one reason or the other to get ahead. I really wanted someone I could trust and be real with.

I have forgiven my wife, it was a long and hard process but God was in it. However, I am not in love. I love and care about her because I have given my vows and I have a kid with her.

Harriet to me “happy” is the feeling of excitement and joy you get when you remember your spouse or peace that you feel knowing that the both of you together could take on the world, and your love makes the world a better place.

I am not familiar with the book but I am going to look for it.

I have not given up hope on the “butterflies” returning that’s why I am turning to you guys who have gone before me.

I am not sure if my marriage is supposed to be like this. It feels like a sentance and I don’t like it. So any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks and Bye.

PS. Sorry for the long write up but I need help.

1. How long have you been married?

2. What are “the realities of life?” Is it money? Are you not physically attracted anymore? Do you have children, and if so, do you feel they get more attention than you do?

3. What is “happy” to you?

4. There’s a book called the 5 Love Languages that changed my life and the way I look at marriage. The languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, giving of gifts and quality time.

a. Out of those, which do you think your primary language would be, and is that need being met in your marriage?

b. Out of those, which do you think is your wife’s? We all speak different languages, and if she doesn’t respond to your attempts to love her, perhaps you’re trying to love her in YOUR language, not hers…and the same vice versa

5. Have you given up on the possibility of the butterflies returning?