Are Your Parents The “B” Grandparents?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on October 22nd, 2009 | 8 comments

grandparents

By Tara Pringle Jefferson

Ever since I became a card-carrying member of the Parenthood Society, I’ve noticed a trend.

When both sets of grandparents are still alive, the maternal grandparents more than likely are the “A’ grandparents, the ones that the kids prefer. The paternal grandparents, while still cool, tend to occupy “B” status.

My kids are still a little too young to have favorites, but already I’m noticing my side of the family comes around a lot more often than my husband’s. I also notice that when my husband’s family members come over, they’re a bit more timid in interacting with the kids. Why is that?

My mom told me she was glad she had three daughters, because she feels she will be a better grandmother because it’s a straight shot – her baby is having a baby. See how easy that rolls off the tongue? It’s a bit more awkward to say, ”My son’s wife is having a baby.”

BMWK family, is this trend true in your family? Do your kids prefer the maternal grandparents? When you were a kid, were your mom’s parents cooler than your dad’s?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She writes at http://theyoungmommylife.com, where she discusses the realities of being a 20something mom.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.ashorterstory.blogspot.com A Shorter Mama

I defintely agree. My mom comes to visit twice a month while my inlaws didn’t met my youngest until he was 18 months. Hubby’s family are much closer to his sister’s children than ours. I think it hurts him at times and me too because I know he wants our children to know both sides.

The question is, what will become of me since I have TWO boys…
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

I think its the opposite with my kids. One, my parents aren’t together and my father lives in Florida so my kids don’t see him often at all while my husbands parents are together and live close so they spend more time with them. My mom also has other grandchildren while my son is a first for my husbands parents so they watch him a lot more than my mom does. It was the same way for me though. I was always closer with my father’s family growing up than my mother’s.
Dedra

This is an interesting point and true to an extent. I think it depends on how close a daughter-in-law is to her mother-in-law that would make the difference. I was just as closer or closer to my father’s mother. I think it depends on how the child interacts with the “B” grandparents that builds the relationship. I just lost my “B” grandmother a few months ago and I have fond memories of the two of us.
Na2

You know what!? I never thought about that and thinking about it , it’s so true!!!….this is a good topic
Anonymous

I noticed the same thing with my child and my brother’s children. I think a woman doesn’t mind becoming involved in the mothering of a child so long as the mother is her own daughter but when the mother is just another woman even though it is her son’s wife there is a standoff-ish attitude; possibly out of respect and not wanting to overstep boundaries.
http://www.sandrahicks.blogspot.com Sandra (hicksgirl93)

wow, I thought it was just in my family that this happens to. My parents are definately the “A” grandparents and my husbands parents are the “B” grandparents. My husbands parents are not as giving and willing with our children as my parents are. My children prefer to stay over my mom’s house because my mom is more interactive with them.
Tess

I completely agree. My daughter is closer to my mom. It sometimes hurt my feelings that my husbands mom doesn’t take the extra mile to be closer to her also. My mom is very hands on and demands her grand parenting time. LOL. His mom doesn’t.But I also think as mothers sometimes we cut off our nose to spite our face. For example, it kind of goes w/o saying that I feel more comfortable with my mom than I do his. So I believe that my mom-in-law pulls back because I make her feel strange. Which is only natural for me. I teach and raise my child the things I was taught, and the way I was brought up, so I know my mom will treat her the way I treat her. His mom NO.
Candance

It’s the opposite for me, as well. My husband and I live in Maryland, my family’s in Tennessee and my husband’s family is in New York. Needless to say, our kids see the New York family more often than my Tennessee family. However, my husband and I made a vow that we would make it our mission to have the kids connected with both sets of grandparents. So, we do lots of phone calling, my mother flies up at least twice a year to visit and we visit Tennessee during the Christmas holiday. It all really depends on how you “talk up” the grandparents who are on the B Team, and how included they are made to feel by the opposite spouse–how often do you interact with your inlaws, and how you act around them effects how your children will interact with them. Kids pick up on that, and react to it, and that impacts how comfortable B Team grandparents are with their grandkids and how comfortable the kids are with the B Team grandparents.