9 Things I Wish I Did Before I Had My Second Kid

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on October 26th, 2009 | 11 comments

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

1. Upgrade items from baby #1. Since I got pregnant with my son a few days shy of my daughter’s first birthday, a lot of her baby items were still in semi-decent shape and would be good to use with the new baby. Or so I thought. I should have realized that a cute little diaper bag that worked wonders with one baby might not do the job after two years of use and twice as much crap stuffed inside. If I had to do it all over again…I’d invest in some more sturdy baby stuff. They don’t make it like they used to.

2. Quit being a punk. Yeah, that’s right, I was a punk when I had one kid. Always whining about how tired I was. I.HAD.NO.IDEA. When my son was born and in the few months afterward, I would clutch my husband’s pants as he moved toward the door. “Don’t leave me here by myself with two kids,” was probably the most frequent sentence I’ve uttered this year. If I had to do it all over again…I’d (wo)man up earlier. Yeah, it’s hard to take care of two kids by yourself, but it’s not impossible.

3. Think through the logistics. I thought about where the kids would sleep, how we would manage with two kids in diapers, but I didn’t think about other things, like how the heck I would maneuver two kids (one baby, one toddler) in the rain. If I had to do it all over again…I didn’t like feeling caught off-guard but I’ll be darned if I’ve figured out how to scurry holding two kids during a downpour…Any ideas?

4. Practiced the fine art of “Me time.” If I thought I had zero free time with one kid, it plummeted after I had the second. If I had to do it all over again…I’d learn how to make sure I put myself first, if only some of the time.

5. Get more sleep. This one is easier said than done, right? Everyone wishes they could get more sleep but in reality it’s hard to make that happen when you’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than your waking hours can accommodate. If I had to do it all over again…I would take my %@# to bed when I was tired. The dishes can wait.

6. View more things through my husband’s eyes. We went through a very rough patch after the first kid as we were learning how to be parents and lovers at the same time. I wanted to wring his neck most days of the week. But I now realize that it wasn’t necessarily him - it was just the adjustment. I could have been a lot happier if I came to this conclusion earlier. If I had to do it all over again…I would have seen my husband as my partner, not someone who was just in the way.

7. Learn how to accept help. I get physically sick when people offer to help, either by washing my dishes or folding my laundry, or watching my kids for a few hours while I get in a date night with the hubby. It’s so hard for me to realize that I can’t do it all myself, that occasionally I need to call in for backup. If I had to do it all over again…I would slap a smile on my face and accept the help as readily as it’s offered.

8. Spend more time preparing my firstborn. My daughter was only 12 months old when I found out I was pregnant again, so I didn’t think ”Hey, you’re going to be a big sister soon” would make much sense to her. She realized quickly that Mommy was getting fat, but I still think it was a shock to her when she came to visit me in the hospital room suddenly looking 30 pounds lighter and holding a little mini version of her. If I had to do it all over again…well, I don’t really know how I could have done it differently. Bought the kid a doll or something?

9. Enjoy the second pregnancy just as much as the first. With the first pregnancy, everything was cause for celebration. When I first felt a kick, it was like I was the first woman in the history of the world to be pregnant. With the second? Eh, was that a kick? Might just be gas. Who knows? If I had to do it all over again…I’d rejoice in all the little things that make pregnancy fun, even if I had just experienced it a year earlier.

What about you, BMWK family? Did you get smarter after having your second (or third or fourth) kid? What did you learn? What made it different?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://tanyetta.com tanyetta

Yes, Yes, Yes!

***“Don’t leave me here by myself with two kids,”***
LA Momma of 2

I honestly don’t think you can truly prepare for the unknown. My girls are 21 months apart. And the logistics of the balancing act NEVER crossed my mind. I just jumped in head first and learned as I went.
As for the “Me Time”, I’m STILL trying to master that one and they’re 11 and 9 now!!
http://www.mommygaga.com Deanna Underwood

I like this post. I am currently TTC and I think I might have to refer back to prepare myself and my 2 year old son. Thanks!
Kimberly

I cant wait to have a second kid!!! Although they will be 9 years apart, I think it will still be great for my daughter to have a sibling. Keep your fingers crossed!:-)
Anna

LA Momma of 2 said:
I honestly don’t think you can truly prepare for the unknown. My girls are 21 months apart. And the logistics of the balancing act NEVER crossed my mind. I just jumped in head first and learned as I went.
As for the “Me Time”, I’m STILL trying to master that one and they’re 11 and 9 now!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know if your read the “Bedime” Post but everyone in there, except me had the same answer, although I knew what the answer was and so do you. “Me time” starts by giving the kids a schedule. Even nap time. My kids have two new sisters a new born and a 3 yr old and those kids especially the 3 yr old don’t like to go to sleep. If you like your job as much as I do I found my “me time” at work. Not because I didn’t like being with my kids, but because you also need adult communication and it’s hard to do when you have kids. That reminds me, teaching our kid(s) that when we are on the phone, unless something is burning or water is overflowong don’t bother mommy while on the phone.
FYI: for any one new to the site. The new siblings are not my kids. My kids were blessed with new siblings that belong to their dad and his better half and my kids love their little siblings. The new siblings just have the same bedtime patterns as their grown adult sibs. Is it a genetic thing and I and the new better half can blame DNA on the kids by the same man not wanting to go to sleep at a certain time on “him”. LOL. All the kids are beautiful but they need sleep,
LA Momma of 2

@Anna: Thats a very true statement. But everyone’s situation is different. After being married 13 yrs and counting, having a middle schooler and one in elementary, a household to take care of, kids extra curricular activities, working full time, running two businesses on the side not to mention spiritual needs, “Me Time” for me, hard to come by even with a schedule.
lynn

I have two kids, ages 18 and 10. between the two I went to school, had a great nursing job.

What I wish I did, was not to settle. I saw my life as perfect; I could have got more eduction, and did not. I ignored my mental health issues. After that 2nd baby came in 99, my life hit rock bottom.

I could no longer work. I did try to go back to school, but my mental health will no longer allow me to.

I am collecting social security and at age 38 I care about medicare issues.
DH goes to work everyday I feel bad, because I could be doing so much more if I were working.

The good side, I was able to be home with my children.
monkey’s mom

You are telling my story! My daugther was born a few days shy of my son’s second birthday. It would have probably been on the same day had I not scheduled a c-section. I have just learned that no amount of complaining about being tired is gonna change anything. This woman has got to man up, and I have. One key think is that my husband I have been making sure that we respect each others time. Me time is important for both of us, and family time is important. I’ve tryed to get in the habit of doing fun things so that the time does not drag along with the same old daily routine.
http://www.ashorterstory.blogspot.com A Shorter Mama

As someone who found out I was pregnant when my oldest was 10 months, I could have written this myself! It’s great to know I wasn’t alone. Hubby and I had a hard time adjusting too, I wish I had someone to tell me to relax about things, except ready help (his) and not to sweat the small stuff. Great post!
LA Momma of 2

In the end the little things make up the big picture and if we didn’t have little hiccups along the way, we won’t appreciate what we really have. It’s just life with all the ups and downs and smiles to go along with it!
Monica Padula

Having kids, being a mom, working, and being a partner are all hard in themselves. You have so much identity hung up in each thing by itself. Learning to balance is going to be a lifelong lesson, I think here. You will always need to finangle in some “me” time, always need to find some “us as lovers” time, and need to figure out how to nap when your kids nap when you really want to research or write. I think the lessons forced upon us by family and marriage are blessings in disguise. So much value comes from what we learn. Good luck!