Just Looking?

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

I had a few reservations about bringing this up given the fact that the topic is not quite family friendly. Yet although it’s an issue that publicly is rarely discussed or tiptoed around like a dirty little secret, in every online community that I am a part of, whether it be a mommy’s discussion board or a fitness community, inevitably the conversation comes up: “My husband is addicted to porn”. The frequency with which this becomes the topic of conversation lets me know that the “dirty little secret” is an issue in more than just a few households.

I can be fairly opinionated and firm in my beliefs, but this is an issue that even for me has a lot of gray area. First, I think that saying that anyone who watches porn is bound to become an addict to me is like saying anyone that drinks a beer sometimes is bound to become an alcoholic. There is a line between use and addiction. Yet with the 24-hour-a-day availability of just about anything sexual online, how easy is it to cross that line from one side to the other?

Times have changed. Gone are the days when a man may be hiding a dirty magazine or a video under the bed. These days, you don’t have to venture from your house to have hundreds of thousands of sexual situations literally right at your fingertips. If you don’t think that things that are readily available online can become easily addictive, ask yourself, how many times have you checked your facebook account today?

Do I disagree with one or both spouses watching pornography if that’s what they desire to do? Absolutely not. I think if you are both porn enthusiasts, or if you have both said “no” to pornography in your home, or if it really doesn’t bother you, then I don’t think that you have a problem. But when a couple can’t come to an agreement on what is appropriate and where the lines are drawn, problems will most likely arise.

And finally where is the line drawn? My husband and I are both in our late twenties, right at the age when it seems that friends are getting married left and right, and with so many marriages comes the inevitable barrage of bachelor and bachelorette parties. I can’t help but think of how a few too many drinks can quickly make the line between looking and lap dance and lap dance and more just a little bit blurry. The other day, a friend asked me about an article she read with women who didn’t object to their husbands receiving “happy endings” massages, because they were offered as a part of the service. Totally inappropriate in my book, but when you are incorporating outsiders into your marriage sexually, whether its porn, strippers, or even erotic masseurs, at what point do you break out the stop sign?

I wish that I believed that the issue was as simple as “look but don’t touch”. But as someone who has worked in the marketing industry for several years now, I also know that it’s not quite that simple. People pay millions of dollars just to put their logo in front of your face because they know that those visuals inspire thought and thought at some point leads to action. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. With everything we allow to come through those eyes these days, I can’t help but think that our souls may be getting a little more than they can handle.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She is author of the blog www.babybumping.blogspot.com. Visit her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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