Is Monogamy Realistic?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on November 3rd, 2009 | 51 comments

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by Harriet Hairston

I read a recent article on CNN.com that made my blood boil. I couldn’t even think of a better title than the one they provided in their “Mate Debate” section. The question seems like a no brainer to someone in my position: happily married with children. But apparently, it is an issue with many couples–both married and single–today.

Below you will find some quotables from the original article:

“It’s realistic that some people can mate for life in the same sense that some people can play the Beethoven violin concerto or other people can ice-skate beautifully or learn a new language,” said psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton.

Added evolutionary biologist David Barash, “It’s within the realm of human potential, but it’s not easy.”
French author Jacques Attali in recent years wrote, “Monogamy, which is really no more than a useful social convention, will not survive. It has rarely been honored in practice; soon, it will vanish even as an ideal.”

Wow. I’m glad ”cultural evolution” is not the driving factor behind my marriage and the values I hold dear. Perhaps I’m selfish for wanting to be my husband’s and for him to be mine alone. If that’s the case, so be it. I’ll be that. In light of the fact that families in this country are suffering and falling apart at such an alarming rate, it’s no wonder questions like this can arise. Maybe I’m in a bubble…perhaps my personal viewpoints are culturally obsolete. I don’t know.

But what say you, BMWK? IS monogamy realistic? If you are in a monogamous relationship, how do you maintain your fidelity to your spouse/significant other? What circumstances–if any–justify the introduction of another person into a monogamous relationship? Do you think monogamy is doomed to “vanish even as an ideal?”

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

Well, of course I think monogamy is realistic and I think it’s ideal. Okay, wait, it’s too early for me to be thinking critically…I’ll be back to finish! LOL.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

We love an early comment Tara, come on, bring it
Maria

I too believe monogamy is realistic as well as evolutionary (socially, psychologically and biologically) beneficial to the human race! Think about it, socially if we are raised by parents who are monogamous statistically children have better performance in school, with peers, in society and in the home when they are accustomed to both parents being together. Additionally these children grow into adults with happy healthy relationships that raise another generation of themselves (see Intergenerational Continuity in “Parenting Quality: The Mediating Role of Social Competence” -Developmental Psychology). If monogamy is “unrealistic” why is it still very prevalent?! There are many individuals who do still want and love to be with one individual. They love the consistency and the comfort in being with one person, not to mention the health benefits! (STDs as well as less hypertension – see “Marriage cuts men’s health problems risk” -The Times of India). I’m going to stop here but obviously since I’ve been married for 5 years, have a lovely 2 year old and wonderful marriage I’m VERY sensitive to this topic and I’m ready to prove any and everyone who disputes this FACT wrong!

Maria

Addis

All that you mentioned ( the negatives) have to do with the concept of infidelity in America. If you look at the article concerninc social understanding of infidelity, you will see that those things may not be an issue. Because it has become so taboo here in America, people are persecuted. Even at the early stages of childhood. What ever happened to the old saying, it takes a village to raise a child. Couple the non village mentality along with bias and conformist attitude and yes, there are problems in this country with people who are non monogamous.

Martino from italia

I think that human being has very big resistence to change traditions and values ..
No fear.. nobody have to be forced to change anything in its life.. but it’s useful to think that life is not only like we think.
When human brain and the general culture will be ready to have a wise understanding and management of “polygamy” probably we will live in a very different world and probably more peaceful too.

John

But is the change worth it? What do we loose? How many cultures can compete with the US that practice polygamy? Not a lot, that’s for sure.

http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Maria said: “monogamy is “unrealistic” why is it still very prevalent?!”

There are many models in the world… is that body type not unrealistic for the masses?

I’m pretty sure you are missing the words/phrases “most,” “in my opinion,” and “many times,” in your comment.

****
Of course will get the masses saying how wonderful their marriages are and how they only dream of being monogomous. BUT… if folks wouldn’t jump down the throats and/or stone/judge those whom said that monogomy is indeed a challenge and/or close to nonexistent… more honesty would peak it’s head out. Well, honesty and/or a diff perspective.

<– prefers monogomy
“It’s within the realm of human potential, but it’s not easy.” <– completely agree.
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

I think that monogamy is an ideal that if you are married you should strive for like any other ideal. To dismiss it as a “useful social convention” I think is ridiculous, but that’s why I don’t typically incorporate what psychaitrists or evolutionary biologists have to say into my thoughts about every day life. What I value usually has nothing to do with their theories.

Just because working to reach an ideal isn’t easy doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive for it. As a Christian, I strive to follow as closely by God’s ideal plan for me as possible. Because it’s hard does that mean that I’m just going to give up and do whatever I want to do? There are a lot of things in life that you have a natural inclination to do that would be really “easy” but at the end of the day don’t make any sense. It would be easy for me to sleep all day instead of work or slap people every time they got on my nerves. The fact is that we are not completely ruled by impulse and biology and that our own spiritual beliefs, morals and values should have a greater impact on how we behave. Marriage and monogamy may not be for every one, but that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t remain an important part of our society.

Addis

I am sorry but most you of xtians are confused as it is. Example. You preach about fornication and premartial sex. There is nothing in the bible that says premarital sex is sinful. Fornication is used in conjuction with marriage. Once again 2000 year old morals dicating a 21st century populace. Really?

http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I’m determined to hear from everyone before I leave comments about my opinion. But I do have questions that I would love to ask.

That said, I have a few questions for Martino:

How do you “manage” polygamy?

Is polygamy just relegated to men having multiple wives, or is that option, in your eyes, available to women?

In what ways would you consider life to be more peaceful if this were an option available to all?
Maria

K. J. – it may not be easy to some individuals but very easy to others. Of course “in my opinion” monogamy is beneficial to the human race. But what about PROVEN studies that confirm this “opinion” as fact for many individuals? Do those statistics not work for others within the “masses”? And yes, some individuals may not enjoy or find these practices to their liking or find them too difficult to practice within their own lives. However, for those of us that do participate in and endorse monogamy the evidence of our ideals often work very positively “most” of our lives.

And this is not about throwing virtual stones or judging for that matter, but opinions for or against this issue is what makes this debate so engaging. Just as stating how “most” or “many times” individuals choose not to have monogamous relationships due to its being a “challenge” is one of the reasons why the practice is “close to nonexistent”. Yes there are many of us who have the positive opinion of monogamy who readily and “honest”ly defend its existence. We can honestly say that we prefer monogamy. Does that mean that we are above imperfection in other areas? Absolutely not! My imperfections may not be another person’s so in this realm I can only speak for what I believe and have held whole heartedly and HONESTLY true. It just means that we see the benefit in monogamy, believe in it and promote it so as a mass we come to it’s defense when articles such as the one mentioned above is published.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ Maria,

Facts are facts, but the truth of the matter is that there are couples (both married and single) who don’t practice monogamy. I’m in the same boat as you, but I have some questions:

Is there a specific demographic that that study was completed on, or did that cover more than one ethnic group?
http://www.twitter.com/morrocco83 Morocco

People are do what they wanna do. No one has values or morals. Plus women gotta except the fact that men cheat. I was just talking to friend and we were counting how many married women we have had sex with and I lost count but i no it was over 20 for me. So people cheat and thats the way it always been.
Maria

The article/study “Intergenerational Continuity in Parenting Quality: The Mediating Role of Social Competence” -Developmental Psychology was covered different ethnic backgrounds (only 29% ethnic minority). The “Marriage cuts men’s health problems risk” article/study was done by the University of Arizona and covered 1715 men ages 57-85 and doesn’t give specifics on ethnic groups.
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

Morocco said:
People are do what they wanna do. No one has values or morals. Plus women gotta except the fact that men cheat. I was just talking to friend and we were counting how many married women we have had sex with and I lost count but i no it was over 20 for me. So people cheat and thats the way it always been.

******
@ Morocco there are people every day that steal, rob people, sell drugs, murder, fill in the blank. That doesn’t mean that everybody has to be one of them or accept it.
Ellie

In a society that pushed sex more than anything else, in our music, TV, advertisement, and internet. Its not very hard to get temptations to go outside of a monogamous relationship. What’s realistic is whatever you believe is realistic. If u can’t be monogamous don’t make a commitment, if you can then do so. Black Americans have become very sexual… Read More (nothing wrong with that) but the lack of respect for others is what’s lacking. Why sleep with a married women when you can sleep with a single woman, why cheat when there’s divorce or even the option to be a polygamous or swing. Just be respectful and safe of each other.
Ellie

But on another note, a mans sexual DNA is designed for us to want to reproduce constantly…reason why we can father 50 children at the same time but women can only be pregnant pretty much once a year. So is it in a mans DNA to be polygamous? And don’t forget in some cultures its the norm to have multiple wives. Monogamy is usually a religious decision. So then you get into how much you respect your God and religion..hmmm
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Ellie, so do you think that the fact that sex sells (especially in our community) is a valid explanation/excuse for how we treat one another sexually (“lack of respect for others”)?

And for your second comment, are you saying that we as humans, are to reduce sex to being strictly a reproductive act? To me, that’s kind of animalistic, but clear that … Read Moreone up for me.

Also, how do you propose we separate religion from culture? Is that even possible? What happens when a polygamous culture faces a monogamous religion? hmmm…
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

OK, Morocco, here’s my question for you:

Why do women have to accept the fact that men cheat? Is that just a “birds of a feather” type of thing where you can see within a woman or a man their propensity to be unfaithful? Or does sleeping with a married woman present more of a challenge/rush for you? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Clear that up for me.
Ellie

Well I believe sex was created for reproduction purposes, yeah it feels great but that’s what’s its for. And as humans we are the most brutal and vain creatures on the planet, but also the most intelligent and caring at the same time. So animalistic is what we are. And when a polygamous culture faces a monogamous religion usually the religion changes.

And is society to blame for sexuality temperament…yes. Because we are our society and we allow what we allow. Lack of respect is a learned decision.

Addis

Ellie,

Where do you get your data from.
1. Sex in not a purely procreational function. Dolphins have known to have sex for purely physical purposes – fact
2. mammals such as chimps, orangutangs and other primates have been shown to practice masturbation, including females fashioning dildos for sexual pleasure- fact.

This is the problem with America. We have such a freedom of speech that we feel we can impose our views on others.

Lack of respect is NOT learned! Watch your children. They have to learn respect or at least this societies concept of it. Just like children have to be taught to believe in religion. your concepts are contrived and unrealistic.

Harriet

Note: The commentary from Morocco and Ellie is actually taking place on my facebook profile (Harriet R. Hairston) right now. Both gentlemen have given me permission to copy and paste their responses to BMWK, and will answer any questions presented to them from FB. I will paste their responses to your questions as they post them.
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Is anyone saying…

-that monogomy is impossible?
-that monogomy has no benefits?
-that monogomy is easy?
-that there are not many who fail and many who succeed at being monogomous?

???
Morrocco

Ive had sex with married, single, & engaged women. So it whomever I holla @ or vise versa. Married woman are easier bc most of the time there husband is cheating or neglecting his role as a man.
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

^^^^^ Hit the nail on the head.
Mrs. CJ

But what say you, BMWK? IS monogamy realistic? Monogamy is very much realistic. I think anyone who thinks otherwise is probably more prone to infidelity in their own relationship or has already cheated. That’s not to say that a monogomous person can’t cheat or be tempted, becasue we’re all human, but I don’t think being human nessecarily makes everyone prone to straying from their partner. I don’t find it hard at all to be monogamous. All the love, time and energy that we have put into our marriage is one reason why, but it just isn’t in my personal nature. I just can’t understand the point of marriage or even a serious relationship if you both agree to date other people while still participating in the first relationship. Why not just be single?
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ KJ

No, No, Yes and No

@ Morrocco

First, sorry for misspelling your name on that first comment. )

Second, so if a man is cheating and/or neglecting his role, that makes monogamy unrealistic for you? Why/why not? Is stating that monogamy is unrealistic something that helps you justify sleeping with married women, or is it a “to each his own” type of thing in your eyes?
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

What I find to be very ironic is that every woman that has responded has been on this “YES, monogamy is realistic, how dare you think otherwise?” Every man that has responded has attempted to justify why it wouldn’t be.

Am I missing something here?
Da Minister

How dare we as people of color talk about such a sensitive topic which will only bring up more division between men & women of color? (I wanted to open up with that so everyone would read my thoughts…lol). It’s funny starting with Harriet’s comment about males justifying whether to be in a monogamous relationship. I will never (as a male) agree that it is ok for males to “play the game” but will concluded that we don’t deal with the root. Genesis 2:18 God said “It is not good for man to be alone,” in that time with Adam “loneliness” was force where before Eve there was no other humans to bond with. Adam had nobody to talk but the animals &/or God. With the creation of Eve in the garden there was one Adam & one Eve only or for every Adam there was an Eve and vice-versa. But today there are many humans that we may bond with which can lead to multiple unfaithful relationships. Plus if you take out the males in jail, dead, or gay the ratio of males to female is outrageous. Then comes in emotions in which we have substituted love for sex. If I can’t have them to myself I guess I will have to share. Our cultural today has allowed this to be ok. Whether to be monogamous is not the issue, the issue is whether we can deal with being ALONE! Think about this Eve had her “own” husband & God to talk to mind you all the other animals in the garden but she had a conversation with a serpent (snake). We need to choose wisely on who we keep company with because one conversation back then brings us to this conversation today…this is my heart upon the letter!

-Da Minster
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

hm.. about time Harriet have a thread the jumps off
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ Da Minister,

I don’t think it’s a topic that was designed to bring more of a rift between men and women of color. It was an observation that I found to be interesting. Just for the record, I didn’t bother reading the rest of your comment. LOL…Just kidding!

I agree wholeheartedly that a topic like this is only symptomatic of a problem rooted in a deeper place. Of course, my commentary is rooted within my Christian beliefs, but it would be ludicrous for me to assume that everyone reading is a Christian. The disconnect for me occurs when I try to explain my Christian values to someone whose values are rooted in biology, philosophy, legalism or hormones.

That’s why I seek to find some kind of ground we all can meet on and then discuss the issue from there. That hasn’t happened as of yet.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

OK, I’m going to make this comment, but keep in mind it is strictly from the standpoint of my spiritual beliefs and practices.

I believe:
1. Marriage is an institution that was created by God
2. Marriage was tainted by rebellion, but then further damaged by the tainted tactics of certain denominations of the church (which, by the way, were not created by God)
3. Human beings are spiritual having an earthly experience, NOT physical having a spiritual experience
4. Because of 1-3, a monogamous commitment in marriage is respected in God’s eyes.
5. The problem arises when humanity tries to reduce an institution created by God down to their own level of thinking.
6. When #5 happens, we get the polygamy, disrespect, swinging and all other kinds of addendums to a PERFECT rule.
7. The original premises God created marriage around should remain, but unfortunately, a monster is created when those premises are ignored/rejected.

So #7 is where the entire discussion about monogamy being realistic comes from. My question is, how do we get back to #1?
RoMo

double H getting back to 1 aka God and His way is a choice. if you make it He’ll help you. “we” the entire earth will never get back there until the 2nd coming becuz as long as “we” have choices in this flesh not all of us are going to make the godly ones. plus you can’t do it on your own without the power of the Holy Spirit and “we” will all never have/accept it. so to answer the question YES. its as realistic as going back to school, working, or writing a book. you make the choice then do whatever it takes to make it happen. even tho everyone will never make the same choices to be with 1 person doesn’t mean you can’t. if u say that it’s an excuse. like EJ quoted in an earlier post. whether you think you can or can’t you’re right(paraprhased)
Koko

well i believe that if a married person wants to be kept (wants to be faithful to their spouse), they can. There is no such thing as im a man or woman and cant help it! That’s is an excuse and foolish. If a man or woman couldnt control themselves in this area, then why do people go to hell for adultery. It’s possible. There is a greater one that can help you.
Taiwo

It is absolutely possible. All men don’t cheat. All women don’t cheat. But people cheat! What I mean by that, is that it is an individual chioce on how you live your life.
Da Minister

@Harriet

Now see I wanted to be upset at you but the Holy Spirit won’t let me…lol! Praise the Lord!

The values that is being passed down now is and will continue to make us misunderstand what is valuable for us & not to us. We can choose as people what lifestyle we want to live but forget to realize the possible consequences that may arise whether good or bad. I know many males & females whom are not faithful in the marriages but it shows our faithfulness to God. I’ve been married five years this February to the same woman and have never “stepped out” with anybody else. Why? because just like God I’m in love. If we really have a pure love for one another in our marriages then we can be satisfied with each other. My wife is currently pregnant with out 2nd child and she may not look good to nobody else (praise the Lord) but she’s the baddest thing walking to ME! I don’t even want my wife to be in faithful to me if she can’t be in love with me. Because without love, there is guarantee infidelity will arise. My advice is love on the one that loves you even if it causes you to be alone physically, because God is always trying to love on us in the spirit. See Harriet you got me preaching somebody take up tithes & offering…lol!
Anna

Harriet Says:
What I find to be very ironic is that every woman that has responded has been on this “YES, monogamy is realistic, how dare you think otherwise?” Every man that has responded has attempted to justify why it wouldn’t be.

Am I missing something here?

~~~~
You did not miss something. Most woman think that their hubby would never cheat on them. Then there are those that think that all men cheat. I have seen many happy marriages and never heard of any of them cheating. The common thread that they all share is they kept GOD in their marriage. Once you allow GOD in or reintroduce him to your marriage things do change. I don’t think there is anything wrong with thinking that monogany is realistic. Harriet we have to remember that a male response vs a womans is going to be different because we are not the same gender. Women have hormones and men have testosterone(sp). LOL.
Blackspere1

At first I was going to respond with a vicious yet polite diatribe against Morocco and those of his ilk that help perpetuate this sort of mindset in the first place but then who am I to judge him? His musings may come from someone with an active imagination since he professes his studliness so loudly.

But I will just leave it alone b/c you never know if the person who wrote this is really a man in the first place.

a mind…….such a terrible thing to taste

lol
Bryan

It is possible but the world we live in today neither foster or encourge such a thing. It instead marvels at the concept/idea of being in a committed relationship. I’ve been married for going on 3 years and within that time I have come accross numerous couples who date other couples openly and still consider their relationship monogamous. I’m not sure if this is cause for alarm considering that so many of us lack authenthic self identification. The ingredients and concept of family/relationship/monogamy varies just as much if not more than wind patterns……
Dee

What a fascinating topic. I decided to take a little time to do some research (Psychology Today, Bing searches), and give some thought overnight regarding this topic. I also took the time to read the entire article in CNN. To the first question which seems to be is monogamy realistic? I think its obvious that it is, because the opposite of monogamy, polygamy is illegal in our culture, and in fact is the expected cultural norm supported by our moral, religious and legal systems. The quotes that are presented in the original blog are certainly thought provoking, but if you go on to read the actual CNN article to the end, it seems to support the idea that monogamy is the preferred method of relational entwinement. Some Quotes:

Whatever the temptation, most people still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine who specializes in couples and families and who also is chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia

“There are a lot of reasons why sexual monogamy is in people’s interests,” Lipton said.

“Because whether it’s raising children or avoiding emotional chaos and drama, like what David Letterman is facing, or whether it’s building an estate and avoiding conflict about estate planning, there are lots of reasons that two people who cooperate are better off than one person alone or one person who is a cheat.”

I am resolute in the fact that monogamy is indeed realistic. However I am not sure that is the question that really needs to be asked. I think the question that needs to be asked is will monogamy ALWAYS be the preferred method of relational bonding. For those who look at this from a Christian perspective, or a any sort of religious or philosophical perspective, understand that I am not asking the question of whether monogamy SHOULD continue to be the prevalent method of relational environment, I am just trying to put some thought behind WILL it.

According to the 2003 United Nations World Fertility Reports, 89% of all women and men get married by the age of 49. However, not all marriages follow the monogamy rule. Anthropological studies have reported that 80-85% of societies allowed polygamous marriage.

According to Virpi Lummaa, an ecologist at the University of Sheffield, UK, there are over 140 countries that currently practice polygamy to various degrees.

Our culture and society seems to now be in the minority of those that do NOT allow polygamous marriage!

That is a lot of countries and a lot of cultures. This statistic I believe only addresses the tip of the iceberg, because this only addresses strict polygamy, where there is actual ceremonial marriage between multiple partners. This does not account for relationships with monogamous intent, ceremonially at its inception and lifestyle wise, that has been affected by marital infidelity.

In doing a little research, there are statistics that state that 10-15 years ago 22% of men and 15% of women have admitted to having extramarital affairs. More recent statistics have shown a significant increase to 60% of men and 45% of women, having reported having extramarital affairs. Of course one of the keys to thee statistics is what people will admit to. My gut feeling is that one can probably assume the statistics are higher. But if those statistics are true (And to be fair this is only internet research not library research), then that is a HUGE jump!

So statistically there are a great deal of societies that are allowing polygamous marriages, and the number of people within marriages that are living a more polygamous lifestyle seems to be increasing! Thus is it hard to fathom that at some point in the future that monogamy may no longer be the prevalent for of traditional human marital bonding?
Dee

One more point to make. Researchers and people with really big brains, have come to understand some of the reasons behind human beings desire to engage in multiple relationships in the last few years. One of the predominate theories that have actually gone through research and testing in the last few years is known as the Coolidge affect:

Origin of the term
The term comes from an old joke, according to which U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.

“Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,” pointedly replied the First Lady.

The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, “Does each rooster service the same hen each time?”

“No,” replied the farmer, “there are many hens for each rooster.”

“Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,” replied the President.

Empirical evidence
The original experiments with rats followed this protocol:[3] A male rat would be placed into an enclosed large box with four or five female rats in estrus. He would immediately begin mating with all of the female rats repeatedly until eventually exhausted. Although the females would continue nudging and licking him to continue, he would not respond. However, if a novel female were introduced to the box, he would become alert and find the ability to mate once again with the new female. This phenomenon is not limited to Rattus norvegicus.[4] It is attributed to an increase in dopamine levels and its subsequent effect upon the limbic system.[5]

Human males experience a post-ejactulary refractory period after sex. They are incapable of engaging in sex with the same female after ejaculation and require time to recover full sexual function. In popular reference, the Coolidge effect is the well-documented phenomenon that the post ejaculatory refractory period is reduced or eliminated if a separate female becomes available. [6] This effect is cited by evolutionary biologists as a reason why males are more likely to desire sex with a greater number and variety of partners than females.[7]

While the Coolidge effect is usually seen demonstrated by males – that is, males displaying renewed excitement with a novel female – Lester and Gorzalka developed a model to determine whether or not the Coolidge effect also occurs in females. Their experiment, which used hamsters instead of rats, found that it does occur in lesser degrees in females.[8][9]

Again This is not to state a case for or against monogamy but to merely point out that there seems to be documented physiological, biological and behavioural reasons behind this type of behavior. I believe further research on this phenomena will shed further light on human coupling interactions.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

Okay, dang it. I leave a brief comment in support of Harriet’s viewpoint, leave to collect my thoughts and now I see there are 36 more comments when I come back! LOL.

Well, off to read those and then maybe I can add my two cents in…
ginag

Monogamy is both practical and possible. We’ve seen firsthand what unchecked promiscuity and multiple unwed births can do to a community.

I’m married, but I know there are a lot of men who cheat. Do I think my husband will cheat on me? I honestly can’t say. Do I hope he will honor his vows to me and not? Of course. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have married him. I don’t believe in the whole “oh, men have sperm and feel the biological need to reproduce” BS. So men are animals and have no responsibility over their actions? No.

Women cheat, too, for as many reasons as men do. But as our set of consequences for doing so are far greater, we have to be way more careful when we do.

Monogamy is a choice you make every day with your spouse and family. It’s the responsibility you signed up for when you took vows. Is it hard? yep. No doubt about it.Is it possible? Absolutely.
T. Rogers

Monogamy is a choice. It is very possible. If you are not monogamous it is because you choose not to be. It’s that simple. What is not to understand? Every husband doesn’t cheat. Every wife doesn’t step out. And even when people do, has monogamy failed? If a women steps out once over the course of a thirty year marriage does that completely nullify the bond that was created with her husband? Does it undo the benefit her children had of having both parents at home? Does it diminish the long term positive effects her marital stability has enabled in her life, her spouses life, and her children’s life?

I am not downplaying extra-marital affairs. They do happen. They can completely ruin a marriage. But they don’t have to. And they don’t always do. The point of monogamy is to shoot for a standard. And there is a reason for this. When we rid ourselves of standards we become no better than animals. It is not about being unrealistic. It is about seeing the bigger picture. Looking at the state of many of our black communities it seems the last thing we need to be doing is getting rid of standards.

IntroducingStaceyCarpenter

Can you be in an open relationship and still raise a healty, productive family that makes a contribution to society? Of course you can. Any relationship built on trust, honest communication can thrive and be successful, and that doesn’t necessarily go hand and hand with being monogamous.

Monogamy is not really set up as a choice in our country, it’s set up as the only way to live your life. And when people find themselves naturally attracted to others, they feel the only way to go about it is by cheating. I’m polyamorous. I love relationships with more than one woman. Once again, I’ll emphasis RELATIONSHIPS, not just sex, though sex plays a part in any intimate relationship. There are challenges, but they’re not overwhelming challenges; and the rewards are more than worth it.

Monogamy as you said is a choice, but it’s not a Gold Standard by any stretch of the imagination. There are other relationship styles than finding the one and spending the rest of you life happily ever after, which is not the case for most people anyway. When, if ever our culture starts to explore open relationships, learn to face and deal with sexual jealousy; relationships of all types: monogamous, polyamorous, and all points in between may truly become more fulfilling.

http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

You never let me down, T. Rogers!
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nerdie

before I launch into my view, some background on me so you understand where I am coming from. I am a SBF in my late 20s, never been married. Atheist / agnostic.

I am one of those who is a little intimated by the prospect of monogamy. It sounds really nice, but as others have mentioned, quite difficult to pull off. For me the question is not whether or not monogamy is realistic, but instead what are some strategies to cope with it? As a single person, I wish I had a better understanding of what married sex life is like past the first 1, 5, 10 years…, etc. All the jokes I hear on TV make it sound not so great. What do people do to keep it fresh? I know some ladies will find this controversial, but I think pornography has a place. Women, we need to be a bit more open-minded.
Stacey

I don’t think to death do us part monogamy is natural by any stretch of the imagination. People may choose to be monogamous, but it doesn’t mean it’s natural. I think people like the idea of pair bonding, by the same token, you can fall in love with more than one person. To think you’ll meet one individual on a planet of 8 billion people who only loves and will attracted to you and only you for the duration of a life time I feel is amazingly unrealistic.

I’m polyamorous. There’s nothing wrong with monogamy as I said before, however, in our society it’s set up as a one size fits all paradigm. A paradigm many people fail at time and time again. It always fascinates me, that the failure rate for most marriages are 50 to 60 percent, and no one stops to question the validity of the institution itself. The idea of some one being yours and only yours goes hand in hand with ownership. That’s my husband, my wife, my penis, my vagina. The reality is that you can never truly posses anyone. Because someone find someone else attractive or fall in loves with another besides you, doesn’t make them a horrible person, and doesn’t mean they love you any less.

Like I said, monogamy works for some, but doesn’t work many others. Oddly enough of culture takes the happily ever after mantra that’s pounded in to most people via movies, songs, and television from the day they are born to heart, even if it doesn’t pan out in real life.

John

And oddly enough non-monogamous relationships aren’t the greener pastures.

http://www.happyhomebakery.com mochazina

Being an Olympic level athlete is difficult to achieve and maintain. But thousands of people do it every 4 years. Even being a professional or even college level athlete takes work, but people do it ALL the time.

Why should a good LIFELONG monogamous relationship be a walk in the park? Everything worth having is worth working for. Monogamy is realistic and very achievable.

Is Monogamy Realistic?

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