Don’t Date Someone You Wouldn’t Marry

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on November 12th, 2009 | 14 comments

83604976

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

When both of my younger sisters went to college, I gave them each three pieces of advice.

1. Don’t buy textbooks from the college bookstore. If you do, buy used. But otherwise, hit up the library or the web. Or share a book with a classmate.

2. Start off strong. It’s easier to have a fantastic freshman year and have a stumble a little later, than it is to stumble right out the gate and have to spend the rest of your college years catching up.

Which brings me to the third nugget of advice: Don’t date someone you wouldn’t marry.

Now, I realize this little nugget might be a little heavy for someone who is 18 or 19. Point taken. But my point is, I’ve seen too many of my friends date guys that they KNEW they didn’t want to be with past graduation, but they ended up having babies with them and are now stuck in each others’ lives forever.

How do you apply this wisdom? It’s simple. It’s really a two-part directive. (Although I’m talking to the ladies on this one, it applies to guys as well.)

1. Seeing the red flags. It takes a certain amount of time when dating someone to get a true sense of their character. So many people see red flags and they turn the other way. Is he yelling at his mom on the phone? Is he a different person around his friends than he is with you? Is he just floating along or does he have goals and a plan to reach those goals? Does he try to learn things about you and then put those things into practice? Ask yourself: Could I be with him AS HE IS NOW for the rest of my life? It’s not as hard to answer as you might think. Avoid the guys where you find yourself saying, “Yeah, he’s cool, but I wish he’d….”

2. Avoiding the fixer-uppers. I don’t know what it is about women but we love some guys we can “change.” I put change in quotation marks because men don’t change. They might temporarily, but if the change was not of their own volition, they will slowly morph back into the person they want to be whether you like it or not. It’s up to you to determine whether you can be with them as they are, not with a little tweak here or there.

BMWK family, have you dated someone you know you shouldn’t have? How did it turn out?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

AMEN Tara!!! Good advice that I should have listened to when I was in college.
Riswas

You are so right. Those guys with issues we want to”fix” can be so intriguing, but fast-forward to married life, those will be the same issues that’ll run your marriage into the ground.
http://stellarsassysocial.blogspot.com {Ms. P}

For the love of God, be selective…Choose your mate, like you would your shoes.
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

I definitely agree that trying to fix someone and ignoring red flags will set you up for failure in the future. At the same time to some degree, especially at a young age, I think it took some dating for me to figure out what I did like and what I didn’t. I may have met some nice guys that I wasn’t compatible with over time. I don’t think anything is wrong with dating and at some point figuring out that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think the bigger issue is, don’t tie yourself for life to someone you wouldn’t marry i.e. have a baby by them, especially when you are still figuring things out for yourself.
michele

I dated someone in college I thought I was “in love” with. Turns out it wasn’t love at all, it was a gross misrepresentation of what I thought love was supposed to be. We broke up, but kept “messing around” even though we were seeing other people. It took something uncharacteristic of him for me to open my eyes and see for myself that he was NOT the one for me. After that, I was completely D-O-N-E with him. I broke it off for good, re-evaluated what love really meant to me, and never looked back. I could have been spared all the heartache I went through with him if I had just acknowledged the warning signs from the beginning (and listened to my family and friends). I’m glad for the experience though because it taught me what real love is and what it isn’t. I realized that I didn’t have to settle for false happiness for the sake of not being single.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Aja – There is nothing wrong with dating around to find out what you like and what you don’t. My problem is when you know from the get go that this man is not right for you and you date him anyway. You know you didn’t even like how he approached you! I told my sister just the other day about those guys you date because you’re bored and he asked you out…be more aware of his qualities from the beginning – open your eyes, is all I’m saying!
The Bunny

Maybe instead of don’t date someone you wouldn’t marry, the advice should be PROTECT yourself while your dating so you’re not stuck in the other person’s life forever.
T. Rogers

@The Bunny,

I think Tara’s advice is a little more realistic. Dating can get very emotional and messy. You can’t really “protect” yourself from the impact of dating certain people. Sure you may avoid preganancy. But dating certain people can do a number on you mentally and emotionally. The effects of dating the “wrong” person can linger for years.

If you cannot see yourself married to a person it is wise to cut it off.

Good write up, Tara.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

This is so on point, Tara! Good stuff!
Anna

Don’t Date Someone You Wouldn’t Marry.
This is true and if ppl used their intuition/gut they would know this. Some do have to kiss many frogs to get their Prince but if you already know this mans flaws and they bother you don’t think you are going to change him after marriage. What you see is really what you get. I know women that have been married for over 20 yrs and they are not getting anything different from the man just because they got married. These women after 20 yrs of marriage still think the man will finally grow up if they just stick it out. What the heck is that about, the only thing they did was spend all those yrs on someone who was not worthy of them and you can’t get those yrs back. I would not say my hubby this or my hubby that if I married a man that even I know I should not have, I would be too embarrassed. I didn’t even start using the word husband until (I think) the last few yrs. I just called him by his name because I thought it was juvinile to say my husand when having a conversation. I think it’s because I got so tired of women saying my husband and I knew and they knew their husbands are no good for nothing.
Lapreghiera

Amen, this goes right in with don’t sleep with anyone you would not want to see for the next 18yrs in a childs face.
Anna

Lapreghiera said:
Amen, this goes right in with don’t sleep with anyone you would not want to see for the next 18yrs in a childs face.
~~
LOL. The child support stops at 18 but if you are smarter than the average Bear, one can stipulate child support in the decree to contiune until the kid(s) graduate from college. I was not smarter than the average Bear after parting with my ex at 25 and our oldest being only 6 or 7 at the time I was not thinking of our kids future schooling. We all did instill them to get good grades for scholarships for college. I can say that things worked out for us. My kids did and still do get scholarship money for college. My ex did not think because they were 18 that they were to fend for themselves. My ex, me and my hubby still help them out. It’s not the kids fault that a relationship goes bad, we still knew that we are “our kids” parents and all the things we went through(good, bad or ugly) the kids were and are still what’s important. you will always be connected to the person you had a child with,forever. It does not stop when the checks stop coming in or the child turns 18, 21 or 50, it’s for life. The moral to my comment is yes I can be in the same room with my ex and not argue. It is a great thing. When hubby and my ex end up at the same barber, my ex mentioned that my hubby had more grey hair, hubby being the quick witted smart butt that he is said “it’s because I live with your kids”. LOL. I love it. Parenting does not ever stop for “real parent(s), it’s just a continuation of life and if you are even more blessed we get to become grandparents and know because we are now wiser to set or make our kids get a 1099(college fund) for the grand kids.
Amber

I agree and I am a young black female. I am about to graduate college in december and have only had one actual boyfriend.that only lasted for three months and a month and a half of it I was away at home. ( I should have broken up with him before school was over but I drug it out because I had never broken up with anyone and felt bad). He didnt do anything wrong to me at all. He was a little insecure which annoyed me at times but other than that he was a great guy believed/agreed on a lot of things. Plus many of my friends give me a hard time because I am so picky. I havent had a long term relationship but I do know what I want. I have had awesome examples in my life (Dad and brothers). So I know the type of man I am looking for exists. Now going basically 4 years without someone (while my friends are in relationships) does make you question should I just go out with him just to but then I come right back to my senses. I also just feel bad after getting to know someone that I dont see in my future (for a few reasons have no goals set for themselves not even in the long run or any thought of what they want to do). Dont get me wrong Im leaving school soon and not quite sure what I want to do but I do have goals and ambitions.I dont want to waste my time or theirs when I know in the long run we wont make it in the long run we are together just cause we can be. I guess Im a younging with old school values. I apologize for the long post.
BlakeKirkpatrick

Joint child custody means that both parents have the legal custodial rights and responsibilities toward a child. Joint child custody issues allows both parents to have a say in the child's upbringing. There is no evidence to support that a presumption of joint custody is in the best interests of children. A study found that only when parents were still actively fighting did joint custody exacerbate children's feelings of being torn between parents. However, when both parents favor joint custody, it can be a good solution for the children.