What Makes Your Spouse Feel Loved?

I’m a firm believer in the fact that I should be my husband’s biggest fan.  Low or high, poor or rich, wrong or right, I’m going to stay by his side.  Obviously there are a few show stoppers to that–I’m not stupid–yet as long as we’re growing together and traveling in the same direction of purpose, I’m with him, thick and thin.

That being the case, I’ve learned through the five short years we have been married that in order for me to express that sentiment,  I have to do it in a way that HE will receive, and not the way I would WANT to receive it!  For example, I LOVE to engage in intellectual, stimulating conversation.  I’ll dissect a situation to its lowest common denominator for sport, and I enjoy it when my husband joins in.  Yet my husband would prefer to listen to music, compose a song or watch a movie with me.

That seems like a simple enough issue to overcome, right?  The problem for us arises when I take offense because my husband does not respond to my attempts to show him love.  After all, who WOULDN’T like to talk about cultural and social issues?  Who WOULDN’T consider intellectual conversation a means of foreplay?  Seriously, why in the world would I like to sit there in silence and listen to yet ANOTHER song my husband has discovered that goes beyond the status quo of musicianship?

Well, for the simple fact that it makes him feel loved, just as stimulating conversation makes me feel loved.  It’s important that a couple does not get lost in translation.  We must master one another’s Rosetta Stone course of love for our spouses.  How do we do that?

• Get over yourself!  The universe does not center around you.  The beauty of being married is in becoming bilingual in the language of love.
• Observe!  How does your spouse express love towards you in ways you take for granted?  That may be your spouse showing love the way that makes them feel special.
• Communicate!  I simply asked my husband what made him feel loved.  I was surprised at his answers (and kicking myself for over-complicating the issue).
• Practice!  The only way you become fluent in the language of your spouse is to apply it to daily life.  It may be comical at first, but eventually a positive response is bound to take place if you keep at it.
• Be prepared for transition!  My husband always laughs about how I transform every day.  I’m like a Mounds vs. Almond Joy:  sometimes I feel like a foot massage, sometimes I don’t.  LOL  Just be prepared to stay on your toes and move when your spouse moves in terms of showing love.

I will always be my husband’s biggest fan, but I can’t cheer in my language and expect him to be responsive.  Whether on the free throw line, on the bench or in the thick of battle on the court, each cheer I render should be one that will hype him up and propel him to his next level of greatness.  He married ME, after all!  Love couldn’t get any better for him, and it’s my job as his wife to ensure he always realizes that.  )

BMWK, what makes YOU feel loved?  How does your spouse respond to you expressing love YOUR way?  What have you observed about what makes your spouse feel loved?  How can you put those observations into practice?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons.  You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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