The Most Important Piece of Marriage Advice

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on November 20th, 2009 | 12 comments

marriage

by Harriet Hairston

One of my coworkers, a 30-year-old military officer, is getting married in June. All of a sudden, everyone around the building is a marital counselor. The lady in my office has been married to the same man for over 50 years, but he is disrespectful and treats her like a slave. The administrative assistant has been married almost 40 years. She and her husband started out shaky, but now that all the children are out of the house, she and her husband get along famously. One man was married for almost 15 years before his wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. His greeting upon returning from a dangerous deployment was divorce papers. We have a newlywed who has barely been married three months down the hall. Finally, there is one single female around 30 and one single male who is pushing 50, neither of which have ever been married. And of course, yours truly, married five years in a roller coaster of a relationship that has had its fair share of ups and downs, but is definitely on the upward swing now.

Personally, I don’t like giving unsolicited advice, so in that respect, I keep my counsel relegated to the written word or I speak when spoken to. However, it was really interesting to hear everyone from so many backgrounds say the same thing was the key to their relationships, whether they failed, succeeded or just fizzled and settled for status quo.

I heard a litany of advice from others, and found one common thread that either solidified or ruined the dynamic of a marital relationship: COMMUNICATION. More than money, sex, spirituality, children or extended family, this is the one thing that either made or broke a relationship.

BMWK, what do you make of this observation? Do you think communication alone is the guiding factor behind the success or failure of a marriage?

God bless!

~ Harriet

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

Communication is definitely the key no matter what the problem. If you can’t sit and talk about your issues, how are you ever going to be able to fix them?
Political Pete

Listening and learning.
Sharp Eye Washington

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship but especially in a marriage. Communication is the ocean that feeds all rivers, streams and lakes (all other areas of the relationship), if it fails these bodies of water will dry up. Through HONEST communication you are able to understanding and work issues out, or in some cases come to the realization that things can’t be worked out. From experience I can truly say that communication has been the key to having extremely fulfilling relationships, and I am thankful that I learned this from my first love at an early age. Sadly, some people (especially men) don’t figure out how important communication is until later in life and after many failed relationships. When communication stops, so does the relationship.
Jonesi

I agree with Pete in regard to listening. That seems to be the number one request from my husband, and when I do, we avoid unnecessary blow-ups over silly things
jtb

Being a married woman of 16 months, I must say, LISTENING and COMMUNICATION are both the key to a great marriage. I have become a better listener, my husband, has improved his communication skills. I would also add, that making time for one another is also key, especially the first year or so. No matter how long you dated or lived with one another, your relationship changes when you get married. Getting comfortable in your new role is very important, and that only occurs when you spend quality time with your new spouse. My husband and I are 33 and 32 years old. Even though we don’t have 10 years to wait to start a family, we knew it was important to not have them right away so that we could enjoy one another, and I must say, with my improved listening skills and his improved communication skills, this past year has been WONDERFUL!!!
Anna

jtb said:
Being a married woman of 16 months, I must say, LISTENING and COMMUNICATION are both the key to a great marriage. I have become a better listener, my husband, has improved his communication skills. I would also add, that making time for one another is also key, especially the first year or so. No matter how long you dated or lived with one another, your relationship changes when you get married. Getting comfortable in your new role is very important, and that only occurs when you spend quality time with your new spouse. My husband and I are 33 and 32 years old. Even though we don’t have 10 years to wait to start a family, we knew it was important to not have them right away so that we could enjoy one another, and I must say, with my improved listening skills and his improved communication skills, this past year has been WONDERFUL!!!
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Congrats on 16 months. Thanks for throwing in “Listening” Pete. If we don’t listen we can’t communicate . JTB, yes enjoy your time with your new hubby because once the little bundles of joy arrives the “we” time is very limited and does take extra skills to achieve. Hubby and I have never stopped dating, even if we are too tired to go out or it’s too cold outside we date in the home. Just remember that if we raise our kids right they will leave the nest and the rest of our marriage can continue w/out interuption, until the grandkids arrive and you turn into “free babysitters”. LOL.
@ Harriet, not sure why you don’t want to give unsolicited advice, you have great reasoning skills and make great points.
http://Edwardclee.com E-Lee

I have counseled several Christian couples through Pastoral counseling and I often tell people this: The Big 3 Trouble spots are Finances, Communication, and Intimacy. If finances are an issue the other 2 are guaranteed. However, Communiction is the one area that runs through every aspect of a relationship. It is either the problem or the remedy for the problem – every time
Btrfly414

Communication is essential in any relationship, especially in a marriage. True communication comes from intimacy. Not just the joining through the sexual relationship but IN TO ME U SEE. That type of intimacy comes from truth and vunerability. How often are we vulnerable in our relationships? How often do we hold back some of ourselves because of past pain and hurts? Communication is the catalyst to begin healing in all ordeals in a marriage. When you KNOW your spouse because of your intimacy you react in such a way to facilitate love and peace.
http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ Whyte23

We agree that we are a team trying to reach the same goals, we agree that we are not in a battle, we will not collide, we will not fight, and if and when we disagree we vow to remember that we are not adversaries but lovers and best friends….easy said than done.

Our marriage is bigger than the conflict…
Together we can solve this problem….
Love is patient. Love is kind(even when we’re upset with one another).
Whatever the problem is it cannot be more important to me than you are!
****Communicate for the future as well as the present…..
convey something that helps your spouse to reach you easily.

Thank you Ms Harriet…nice job once again!
Staycee2

COMMUNICATION RULES ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MissJay

@Jonesi Congrats on your wedding!!!! Wish you many years of wedded bliss!

I believe communications is EXTREMELY important. My hubby and I were just in an argument because of that very thing(along with something else). What was communicated was not truthful and caused an even bigger blow up.
Anna

MissJay said:
I believe communications is EXTREMELY important. My hubby and I were just in an argument because of that very thing(along with something else). What was communicated was not truthful and caused an even bigger blow up.
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Marriage is not easy. It takes lots of paitence. Hubby and I both learned to be paitent with each other long ago. Men and women are wired so differently and to remember that and have a great attitude any arguement/debate can be settled and a point be made. I have found that the longer I am married the more happier I am. It is a natural process to argue but if you hit below the belt it can get ugly. We as married folks are intimate with our spouse, we know what they look like in the morning and we know if they snore. As married folks we share our inner most thoughts with each other, we know each others secrets and weakness. MissJay, I don’t know how long you have been married but I wish you the best. Marriage is what you make it, but it does take two to want it. My hubby told me that he loves to debate with me because I give him a great debate and something to think about. For my stubborn hubby to “communicate” those words to me, made me feel special. To sum up my long comment. Marriage is about communication, listening, paitence and in most cases, following your gut and not your heart in marrying the “right one”. Our heart may tell us something but our gut/instinct rules. I can say that I married my “soul mate”. We are so opposite and that is why it works. He checks me and I check him, and together we have so much fun.