Stepchildren Shouldn’t Exist

Harriet,

Thanks for sharing this sometimes horrifying reality in blended families. I recently attended a marriage retreat and the subject of stepchildren came up. I don’t know where the term came from, but the opening assumption is that the stepchild will receive less attention and love and support than a natural child. The term has become so pervasive as to be used in reference to organizations, projects, anything that is not the natural outgrowth of the parent units. The inference is always the same — less than full support.

The advice that was shared in the marriage retreat was that both parents in a blended family must acknowledge that the children will be “different” — especially if the blended family comes together after the children are beyond age 5. The differences must be acknowledged and accepted, rather than attempts to get the child to “conform.” They can be loved, cared for, nurtured, and accepted without prejudice when the differences are acknowledged at the outset.

The parents have to acknowledge that there will be different dynamics based on different cultural influences before embarking upon the effort to build a blended family. The rules for blended families must be more carefully planned for and discussed in advance. If the child is shown true “acceptance” then the process has a much better chance of a harmonious outcome — between the parents, as well as the children.

Thanks again for this difficult topic.

Roger

WOW!!! Thanks again for a wonderful article!!! Last night this article would have helped a great deal on a conversation my hubby had with my blended family members (two stepsons)…. My daughter has always done well in school and the boys have always done o.k. on their grades (when they were living with their mom). Now that their mom has passed away and the boys are now living with us, my husband is so frustrated with their progress in school. One of the boys is not doing well in school (had to change schools) and rec’d all F’s and 2-D’s!!! I told my husband not to put my daughter on a pedestal b/c I don’t want the boys to resent her for any reason. It’s hard and my stepson told me that his bad grades are a result from him trying to fit in with the kids @ his new school. I’m praying for him and hope things will get better. My husband told me that he doesn’t want to fuss or punish him anymore (rec’d a bad progress report prior to rec’vng the bad grades). So last night my hubby sat down and had a heart to heart with his son and hopefully the talk will work b/c this whole life altering moment for the boys is a big adjustment.

One of the things that all who are observing this dialog should acknowledge is that dealing with blended families is very difficult. There are many other attnedant issues — among them, the so-called stepchildren.

I appreciate the testimonies of those who have shared their own personal experiences. It is hard enough for two people from different families to create a new family. The stories about “in-law issues” are legend. When the parties to this effort are children, it must be recognized that their coping skills are undeveloped.

I would like to see more discussion on this topic due to the proliferation of single parents in our community — mothers and fathers.

When they decide to pursue marriage, they have many more challenges than to single people who are not yet parents. So, there are many more stepchilden in our communities than ever before.

The old put-down about being treated like a stepchild, is now more the rule than the exception. If marriages within the Black community are going to succeed, this topic requires much more insight and expert advice. The longterm success of the blended family marriages is at stake if we don’t address this in the most extensive way possible.

Roger

I like that, Ms. No Single Mama Drama. I’m going to have to start using that.

I just hate the fact that grown, mature adults would treat children differently just because of a few strains of DNA. It really upsets me.

I never thought I would marry a man that was already a father, but I did. And our son is such a blessing to me. But even if he presented the kinds of challenges that Staycee is having to deal with, he would still be MY SON.

I really respect the fact that Staycee is able to try to find alternative methods of disciplining her children. Each child is an individual, and meeting their individual emotional and spiritual needs is important. In that respect, treat your children as differently as you want. But to specifically treat a child with disdain because you did not give birth to him or her is unacceptable to me.

I don’t have children but I have a wonderful stepmother and stepfather. I’m so thankful that my mom and dad married people who have always accepted and loved me as their own. I feel blessed to have 6 wonderful parents (I count my wonderful in-laws too).

This was great Harriet! Unfortunately, I divorced earlier this year and some of the reason for the divorce was because my ex-husband started to treat my son differently. He never physically abused him or anything, but he became uninterested in anything going on with my son and began making it plain that my son was his step-son. That was very hurtful to my son as well as to me.

WOW I couldn’t imagine treating my kids like that. I do not have biological children, my 2 children are what this topic is about, my stepchildren. But I try not to call them that. The only time I clarify is when someone I’ve known for a long time asks. They are my son and daughter and I love them dearly. I feel like it would truly hurt my husband to the core if I treated the kids like they were nothing. I definitely look forward to reading other posts about this topic and I’ll chime in if I feel like I know what I’m talking about – LOL

I have two “bonus” children…one of them is a girl and the other is a boy. At first I had a tight relationship with the female child, but once she starting spending more time with her mother, our relationship changed significantly. I get lots of attitude and there is a level of disrespect that I’m dealing with. I’m unsure of how I’m supposed to handle this situation because it’s a sore subject between my husband and I.

This is a very thought provoking topic. First, let me give some insight to my initial family dynamics (who I grew up with). My father produced seven children that we know of. Only two of us have the same mother. That would be my oldest sister and myself. My mother is the woman that he married. My oldest brother is my mothers son from a relationship prior to meeting my father. I point this dynamic out for several reasons. No, my father was not a good role model. No, he did not take care of all of his offspring the way he should have. Yes, some of us have SERIOUS issues. Here is the point that comes out of this mess. There were three of us that were raised in what you might call the “traditonal” family unit. My oldest brother, oldest sister, and myself. Because he MARRIED my mother, my oldest brother was always concidered by my father to be his son (and vice-versa). Even though my brother carried my mother’s family name, the thought “half-brother” never entered our household. My father did not teach me the best way to be a MAN, but he gave use an insight into family that it seems that a great deal of younger people don’t understand. I look at the family dynamic that is his legacy. Most of us siblings are close to one another. The word “half” is still not used by most of us. My mother has always accepted those that wanted to be accepted, as part of the family. My oldest brother is concidered “THE” oldest brother by all who share in this dynamic. Somehow, all of us have become “bonus” parents to someone’s child. For me this is very necessary as my wife passed away a couple of years ago. My oldest daughter is not my biological daughter. I came into her life when she was ten years old. She never knew her biological father. Needless to say she was treated like excess baggage by her mother’s various “boyfriends” and first husband. We have been close from day one. She has always been my first daughter. I am the only person she has ever honored with the acknowledgment of “This Is My Dad.” Yes, there have been issues. Life is a roller-coaster. We have formed a stronger bond since her mother’s passing. She was worried that I would forsake her and I had the same worries, but fortunately, that is not the case. We are still family. Especially now, when we all needed the healing power of family love. Most of what my father taught me about manhood was how “NOT” to be as a man and a parent, but this, this is the best thing he taught his children. How to be a spouse with someone with “bonus children”. Minority communities have a tendency to have “unique” family dynamics, but we have normally been good at adapting to the situation. Recently, that has changed. We don’t respect the idea of getting married in the first place. We have lost respect for the individual family unit. Worst of all…….”My Baby’s Momma/Daddy”. Those phrases denote lack of relationship beyond egg/sperm donation. The children of said union are therefore normally thrust into the middle of a volatile situation from birth. Since there is no sense of family between the parents, there is normally no sense of the family love and protection afforded to the “traditional” interpretation of family. Having explained what my family situation was like should let see that I understand everyone has different circumstances. I’m talking about our sense of family/community that has been erroding for the last ten to twenty years. The Village that raised the child is being burned to the ground. Family Values was an important part of the Village. We in the Black Community used to always know that family was more about Love and Acceptance than blood flow, since our community was torn asunder with the implementation of slavery. What I see going on around us as a people is very frightening as it pertains to the future of our people. What this topic discusses is just one of many indications of the destruction of Our unique interpretation of family.

Krishelle, that’s an awesome, balanced perspective!

rrisr3, wow. I could take all day on your comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.

I have 3 stepchildren, 20 yr old in college that has lived with us 3yrs and twins 19 in college that have been with us since graduation from high school. I have been with the father for 7 yrs Their father is a good parent, however due to interference from mother they are ungrateful and disrepsect their dad. Their mom is still angry after 8 yrs that the father left and divorced her. She sent the children the day they emancipated from child support and have told the children thier father still owes them. How do you exist in a household where, at this time I am the only one employed and providing for them and watch and listen to the disrespect and say nothing? It kills me.

WOW this is such a wonderful topic!
I too have had the priviledge and pleasure of participating in the rearing of my blended children in mariage. I would never use the word STEP because it does send out a negetive expression of loss or unentitlement. So I would always refer to them as My Children, becauseas  their caretaker I felt I am mom when they are in my care and they are to be loved no more and no less than my own.  I recieved them when they were small 4,6,and 7 so as they grew we all grew as a family together in love with each other, responsible for each other. They’re teenagers now and have grown up beautifully, normal, happy, educated, and secure.