Comments on: Stepchildren Shouldn’t Exist

By: Airen

Airen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 22:01:00 +0000

WOW this is such a wonderful topic!
I too have had the priviledge and pleasure of participating in the rearing of my blended children in mariage. I would never use the word STEP because it does send out a negetive expression of loss or unentitlement. So I would always refer to them as My Children, becauseas their caretaker I felt I am mom when they are in my care and they are to be loved no more and no less than my own. I recieved them when they were small 4,6,and 7 so as they grew we all grew as a family together in love with each other, responsible for each other. They’re teenagers now and have grown up beautifully, normal, happy, educated, and secure.

By: Guest

Guest — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 09:27:02 +0000

Thank-you for that!
I, too, have a blended family – my oldest son is technically not mine; but in my heart and behavior he will always be my firstborn. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult in the beginning – his mother abandoned him on our doorstep when he was five and I was completely unprepared for the sacrifices of instant motherhood – but love is a choice, and where the welfare of a child is concerned, your own childishness and selfishness have to be tossed. It infuriates me to watch my sister-in-law treat her step-daughter with the coldness and contempt most couldn't even show to a dog. All children are beloved of God, and all children are a blessing – they must be treated accordingly.

By: mickey

mickey — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 02:11:36 +0000

I have 3 stepchildren, 20 yr old in college that has lived with us 3yrs and twins 19 in college that have been with us since graduation from high school. I have been with the father for 7 yrs Their father is a good parent, however due to interference from mother they are ungrateful and disrepsect their dad. Their mom is still angry after 8 yrs that the father left and divorced her. She sent the children the day they emancipated from child support and have told the children thier father still owes them. How do you exist in a household where, at this time I am the only one employed and providing for them and watch and listen to the disrespect and say nothing? It kills me.

By: Djones

Djones — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:08:16 +0000

The comments are great and they help tremendously. My situations is a bit complex. We have 5 kids in all. One is my biological child and the other 4 kids each have different mothers. It’s been a difficult experience for me because my husband hasn’t always been the most responsible person to his kids or their mothers. As a result I often find myself in the middle of angry moms and confused kids.
I am a good friend and stepmother to the kids but the expectation is for me to step in a be full time mom (and sometimes dad) to each of them and to be honest- it’s not what I want. I KNOW I should have thought about this BEFORE getting married but it’s too late now so I’m working hard to make the best out of my situation.

Each of the 4 mothers are very capable of loving, nurturing, and providing for their kids but they feel like because I’m married to the father, it’s my obligation step in and do whatever it is mom & dad doesn’t feel like doing and often times my own son goes without.

My best friend believes I should see the kids as my kids and that’s it but deep down I don’t want to. Is it wrong to JUST want to be the bonus parent?

By: Harriet

Harriet — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:39:57 +0000

Krishelle, that’s an awesome, balanced perspective!

rrisr3, wow. I could take all day on your comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.

By: Krishelle

Krishelle — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:33:54 +0000

I may be the minority but I love being a “stepmom” and I love my “stepchildren”. I dont treat them any differently. My stepson refers to me as his stepmom, when introducing me to his friends or teachers, and I wear the title proudly. When I go to his school for the first time and introduce myself to his teachers, I will proudly, and politely say I am his stepmom. I am often asked if I am his mom, and the truth is, I’m not. He has a mom, I am not that, nor am I trying to be. When somebody asks me how many kids do we have I usually say 3 (including his two sons and the one child we have together). Depending on who the person is I may explain further.

By: rrrisr3

rrrisr3 — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:37:37 +0000

This is a very thought provoking topic. First, let me give some insight to my initial family dynamics (who I grew up with). My father produced seven children that we know of. Only two of us have the same mother. That would be my oldest sister and myself. My mother is the woman that he married. My oldest brother is my mothers son from a relationship prior to meeting my father. I point this dynamic out for several reasons. No, my father was not a good role model. No, he did not take care of all of his offspring the way he should have. Yes, some of us have SERIOUS issues. Here is the point that comes out of this mess. There were three of us that were raised in what you might call the “traditonal” family unit. My oldest brother, oldest sister, and myself. Because he MARRIED my mother, my oldest brother was always concidered by my father to be his son (and vice-versa). Even though my brother carried my mother’s family name, the thought “half-brother” never entered our household. My father did not teach me the best way to be a MAN, but he gave use an insight into family that it seems that a great deal of younger people don’t understand. I look at the family dynamic that is his legacy. Most of us siblings are close to one another. The word “half” is still not used by most of us. My mother has always accepted those that wanted to be accepted, as part of the family. My oldest brother is concidered “THE” oldest brother by all who share in this dynamic. Somehow, all of us have become “bonus” parents to someone’s child. For me this is very necessary as my wife passed away a couple of years ago. My oldest daughter is not my biological daughter. I came into her life when she was ten years old. She never knew her biological father. Needless to say she was treated like excess baggage by her mother’s various “boyfriends” and first husband. We have been close from day one. She has always been my first daughter. I am the only person she has ever honored with the acknowledgment of “This Is My Dad.” Yes, there have been issues. Life is a roller-coaster. We have formed a stronger bond since her mother’s passing. She was worried that I would forsake her and I had the same worries, but fortunately, that is not the case. We are still family. Especially now, when we all needed the healing power of family love. Most of what my father taught me about manhood was how “NOT” to be as a man and a parent, but this, this is the best thing he taught his children. How to be a spouse with someone with “bonus children”. Minority communities have a tendency to have “unique” family dynamics, but we have normally been good at adapting to the situation. Recently, that has changed. We don’t respect the idea of getting married in the first place. We have lost respect for the individual family unit. Worst of all…….”My Baby’s Momma/Daddy”. Those phrases denote lack of relationship beyond egg/sperm donation. The children of said union are therefore normally thrust into the middle of a volatile situation from birth. Since there is no sense of family between the parents, there is normally no sense of the family love and protection afforded to the “traditional” interpretation of family. Having explained what my family situation was like should let see that I understand everyone has different circumstances. I’m talking about our sense of family/community that has been erroding for the last ten to twenty years. The Village that raised the child is being burned to the ground. Family Values was an important part of the Village. We in the Black Community used to always know that family was more about Love and Acceptance than blood flow, since our community was torn asunder with the implementation of slavery. What I see going on around us as a people is very frightening as it pertains to the future of our people. What this topic discusses is just one of many indications of the destruction of Our unique interpretation of family.

By: Anna

Anna — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 08:56:10 +0000

Sena said:
I have two “bonus” children…one of them is a girl and the other is a boy. At first I had a tight relationship with the female child, but once she starting spending more time with her mother, our relationship changed significantly. I get lots of attitude and there is a level of disrespect that I’m dealing with. I’m unsure of how I’m supposed to handle this situation because it’s a sore subject between my husband and I.
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I love the term “bonus children”. Most “bonus” kids are manipulaters by nature. Either they want their mom and dad back together, don’t want them with who they chose, or just want their single parent that they live with all to themselves. Kill her with kindness and not material things, she will see the good in you. Some kids just have attitudes. You did not mention how old the “bonus girl is”. I need more info and I bet a buck I can help you out. When my hubby married me he got 3 “bonus children”. 13 yrs later we are all the “bonus family”.

By: Sena

Sena — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 01:06:16 +0000

I have two “bonus” children…one of them is a girl and the other is a boy. At first I had a tight relationship with the female child, but once she starting spending more time with her mother, our relationship changed significantly. I get lots of attitude and there is a level of disrespect that I’m dealing with. I’m unsure of how I’m supposed to handle this situation because it’s a sore subject between my husband and I.

By: maria

maria — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 22:34:57 +0000

I’ve come from a step family my father re-married to another womans as much as I respect that she cares for my father. Ive never opened up to her shes not my mother and her advises as good as they seem but never followed like a sheep as ive always questioned her motives. The thing is my step mother has always been envious that our father has invested his time and energy on his 5 children she wished he was a dead beat dad. Were all doing well i think that bugs her, so it gives me great encouragement that i am focused and sucessful and soon to be married. Im smart enough to know who is and isnt on my side she isnt on my side wether other people are lucky to have nice step parents thats god but not every one is so you better not let these irrelavant parasites get in your way.