by Harriet Hairston
I’m about to reveal something about myself that makes me ashamed. Brace yourselves:
I don’t have many friends because I find it hard to trust others with my inner workings.
I have trust issues, and I find it ironic that I can open myself up so freely when pen hits paper, but when it comes to revealing such personal thoughts in person, it doesn’t come naturally AT ALL. The readers at BMWK probably know more about me than the people I encounter face to face on a daily basis (with the exception of my husband). That can’t be healthy.
Ask my husband. When we first got married, I held in a lot of what made me upset, much like a vacuum cleaner. But once that bag of nasty emotions filled up to the brim, the smallest infraction would cause me to explode! No matter how much I thought I was cleaning up before, the mess caused by the explosion was much more damaging in the long run.
Don’t get me wrong…I care about people. Probably too much. My husband tells me the thing he loves and hates the most equally within me is my desire to see nothing but the best in other people. You can imagine how many times that desire has brought me heartache in the past. Betrayal, misunderstanding and a desire to protect and preserve who God created me to be hasn’t put me in shut down mode, but they have made me very cautious about revealing my inner self to others so freely.
How can I get out of this rut? Who can I run to? It’s like I’ve become an expert at carrying on conversations that are purely surface in nature. I’m the one that knows the inner workings of everyone else, but no one truly knows what makes me tick.
You’ll have to pardon my candor right now. I’m in a place of frustration just trying to figure out which way to turn in life. Whether I meet new people or forge relationships with others I’ve been acquainted with, I really believe it’s time for me to come out of my shell. Don’t get me wrong…the shell is really beautiful. But the priceless treasure within must also be revealed. In order for me to graduate to the next level, I just remove the mask of mistrust and let other people in.
Pray for me, y’all. My mask is coming down. This time, I can’t afford to put it back on, no matter what happens. My destiny depends on it.
BMWK, do you have difficulties opening up to other people? How have your past heartaches and betrayals shaped your marriage and parenthood? How do you keep the veil of mistrust removed?
God bless!
~ Harriet
{ 9 comments }
I can truly relate to your story. Not only have I communicated superfically and on a surface level with people, but I also use a lot of humor, which my father says is a defense mechanism. I have learned and grown in the past couple of years though. I prayed and asked God to show me the people in my life I could really trust to reveal who i truly am. He has placed some people in my life that know me now and I don’t even have to say a word. They know my heart and spirit which is truly amazing. I am able to share with them even if it comes out seemingly not clear and they understand it. Even when they don’t understand, they are patience enough to stay and support me even through my issues and difficulties to communicate exactly how I feel. It is a slow process but I’m sure if I can come “slowly” out of my shell you will be able to do the same. I pray God blesses you with some good and sound people around you. Be blessed, Sister.
Crystal,
Yeah…humor is my primary defense mechanism! As long as we’re laughing I don’t have to tell you how close I am to tears. LOL
I’ve prayed as well, but as of yet, those prayers have not been answered. I’m not giving up…just waiting patiently. Because I’m not a distant person, but one full of compassion and vigor, it’s easy for another person to think they know me. My personality is just bubbly like that. LOL But it takes an act of congress for me to be totally transparent.
Jesus and my journal are my best friends right now. ROFL. I need to really check that and press on to forging relationships with other people. I know it will happen in God’s time. I just felt like writing about it the other day, and I’m glad I’m not the only one.
That’s wonderful Harriet! Becoming naked and not ashamed about who you are….insecurities and all…. is a life’s journey I too have worn disguises but unlike you my disguise would show up in my marriage as well. It would show up during our conflicts when I would take offense and retaliate instead of honestly communicating the issue. The layers of the mask eventually began slothing off at my realization that my spouse wasn’t always the problem. As Crystal stated I too will pray for good trusting and agape loving friends
Btrfly414
What will YOU trusting people more do?
make you feel better? help their lives?
When you say ‘mistrust’.. are you saying that you think they will ‘do you wrongly?’… or is it more on the side of you not being comfortable enough to let them see/experince ur vulnerabilities…?
Thanks for sharing HH. I think many of us have some sort of trust issue with ourselves and others… And most times … esp when out of moderation… they hurt us and those who loves us.
Harriet, I really appreciate your article and the question of trust. Also, thank you to all who are commenting. Reading this has reminded me of past situations that I think have influenced my inability to be more trusting. It takes a long time for me to open up and actually the only way people begin to know me is when they see the real me in between what I think I’m masking. There could be many reasons why I’m not readily trusting of women for example, and yet I want to have those special female relationships. You know the “sister” type. In my early and young adult years, I had two friends at different times who I was very close to. Long story short, our friendships fell apart, and I was left wondering if the friendships we had were ever what I thought they were. Needless to say I was really hurt when I lost those relationships. I also find myself trying to be “perfect” when it comes to relationships and work-related things. That means I have to present myself as the person “they” want me to be instead of who I am. So, I don’t tend to share my true feelings, impressions, or opinions about something because I don’t want others to judge me.
Just responding to this article and looking at other’s comments does help me re-think this. Thanks everyone!
Wow the post and comments were graeat. Hang in there Harriet and keep praying, as you know we will keep you in our prayers. I always thought being funny, having humor or just laughing was a trait I either inherited or learned after my mom died. My siblings and I are very quick witted and funny. I think we found it a way to mask our pain. Trust is not easy if it has been broken( being cheated on, or a girlfriend stabbing you in the back). As we get older and wiser we know who to cut lose in our lives. If someone steals something from your home, you don’t invite them back, but it does not make anyone not trust everyone because of something that one person did.
How have your past heartaches and betrayals shaped your marriage and parenthood? How do you keep the veil of mistrust removed?
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I have found that past heartaches and betrayals make us stronger, sharper and smarter. Trust to me is truly a gift and once it’s broken it has to be earned back(if you want it, or just get that person out of your life). Now that I am older I go with my gut and like you, I am a caring person. My husband is my bf and we talk about everything, but I still have to have female conversations with my bf/sister or daughters. There is nothing wrong with seeing the good in others, but if we can’t make them see it in themselves after so long of trying, is it a lost cause or do we keep trying? By nature women have a nurturing spirit and we want to save the world and don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. If we don’t let anyone in for fear of being hurt or trust issues, to me we never really learn to receive love but continue to give it.
Man.. I thought I was the only one with this issue. Ha!
Ms. Harriet,
Excellent Article once again… as I learned over the years of getting older, wiser and sexier than ever (as least my wife thinks So)….. Wisdom is the order of growth as a person, for your family & others around you the stiff arm movement to everyone will slowly stop happening….because your wisdom will help to defend the actions of other lack of wisdom. YOU are helping so many people across the board.
Thank you for being so transparent of helping other to look at themselves in the mirror…..
PS: People ( family members, work, church etc…) are looking at how you react to different situation…. Amen to Anna & Crystal posting excellent points.
Remember what the good book says;
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose…Romans 8:28 (KJV)
Everything that happens–good or bad, joyful or sad–is under God’s control. While God isn’t the author of sin and evil, this passage reassures us that everything that happens is worked by Him into his grand plan. There’s a reason for everything, even when we can’t see it from our vantage point. Plus, I laugh at everything whether if it’s a defense mechanism or not…as a Man! People will be People and I try not to get bent out of shape when others take a “Trippin” Meaning when people starts to trippin does not mean I have to take a “Trip” with them.
Blessing to everyone comments…Thanks everyone!
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Temptation will always be out there….Yes or No =-.
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