by Harriet Hairston
There are times when the cycle of my marriage frustrates me to the point where I question whether or not it’s worth staying in it. I hate to break it to you, but it just is what it is. When that happens, my emotional state actually attempts to talk me into disregarding all the growth and beauty that has taken place over the last 5 years and abandon ship. I’m forced to choose between the natural instincts of fight or flight. Fight for my marriage or flee to what seem like greener pastures.
Don’t get upset with me. I realize this is a website that CELEBRATES marriage. It’s a beautiful thing. Yet whether you’ve been married a day or over a decade, you will realize that it’s not always peaches and cream. Words are spoken too harshly, jobs are lost, wrong influences invade the home…THINGS HAPPEN! If they haven’t, brace yourselves…because it’s coming. The question is, what are you going to do when those storms arise?
Just today, I wrote myself a message that almost took me to the flight instinct. Our financial situation is really difficult right now, and it’s definitely taking a toll on my emotions. I wrote, “I seriously don’t know how much more I can take. I’m tired of being at this standstill. To the right, left, above and beneath, I’m feeling stifled.” You can imagine the pity party that thesis statement led to in my mind.
If I’m the only one, cool. Don’t even bother reading anymore. Refer back to this article when you’re ready to get real with me. We’ve been through some hell in our marriage, but to God’s credit, we didn’t stay there. It was just one of those hellish days today, and we had to deal with it. Here are the tools we used to keep this from activating our “flight” mechanism:
- COMMUNICATE. We had a come to Jesus meeting where we put it all out there. Our frustrations, fears, how pissed off we were about certain things, etc.
- DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL. I said some things I know my husband didn’t want to hear, and the same vice versa. But we talked to each other and not at each other about them, and thus we were able to put them into proper perspective.
- DETERMINE THE PROS AND CONS OF YOUR MARRIAGE. If the bad outweighs the good, can that be changed? If the good outweighs the bad, how can you shift your perspective to see it that way?
- EVALUATE THE PROBLEM AT HAND. If it’s a multitude of things, deal with each of them one at a time. For me, it was our money situation. But after determining the pros and cons above, I realized that the growth we’ve experienced together emotionally is worth more than what money can buy.
- MAKE A DECISION. Given the facts, put it all on the line. Is it worth it to commit suicide on your marriage over a temporary situation? Only you can answer that question, but it’s not worth tiptoeing around. I’m not talking about ultimatums here, but a serious evaluation of what your next move is going to be.
We had a breakthrough in communication today. For the first time, I didn’t carry these feelings around for days, weeks and months because I was afraid he didn’t want to hear it. For the first time, I addressed my emotions without fear of him taking it personal and blowing up. For the first time, he RESPONDED instead of the knee jerk reaction I was expecting. For the first time, WE see one another in a new light, giving God glory for mediating between us.
With transparency, vulnerability and the desire grow in love towards one another, a potentially damaging discussion sparked a fire within both of us to continue to fight for our marriage.
BMWK, what tools do you use to ensure the “flight” mechanism is not impulsively engaged in your marriage?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.
{ 43 comments }
I can’t beging to tell you how RIGHT-ON-TIME this article IS! 5 things that need to be done in every Marriage.
1-COMMUNICATE.
2-DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL.
3-DETERMINE THE PROS AND CONS OF YOUR MARRIAGE.
4-EVALUATE THE PROBLEM AT HAND.
5-MAKE A DECISION.
Being Married for over 20yrs. ALL the above R very important. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I can only hope that my wife doesn’t take this personal when I send this one to her.
The fact is, I would be worried if no one address this issue. Many women just have to be married, Most if not all of them never think what it takes to be married. It took my father to tell me that I could not treat my relationship with my now husband as I did the other men in my past life.
But to answer the question; I pick my battles wisely. I will not and do not “nit pick”. I try not to just shut down. Lastly I just try to handle myself like a lady. I will have a fair fight. No hits below the belt.
This is a good article. When our marriages flare up, at least one party is thinking, “Is it worth it?” When those moments occured in our 43 marriage, for me the default answer was always “Yes.” I am sure there are transgressions from which any marriage cannot recover. I am not talking about a “Tiger Woods bombshell.”
Early in our marriage, I found this poem, and hung it on our bedroom wall. When we reached those times when we could speak to each other in civil tones, we would read this to reset our marriage compass.
Spectrum of Love
“I love you.”
There is a much greater motivation than simply my spoken words.
For me to love, is to commit myself, freely and without reservation. I am sincerely interested in your happiness and wellbeing. Whatever your needs are, I will try to full them and will bend in my values depending on the importance of your need. If you are lonely and need me, I will be there. If in that loneliness you need to talk, I will listen. If you need to listen, I will talk. If you need the strength of human touch, I will touch you. If you need to be held, I will hold you. I will lie naked in body with you if that be your need. If you need fulfillment of the flesh, I will give you that also, but only through my love.
I will try to be constant with you so that you will understand the core of my personality and from that understanding you can gain strength and security that I am acting as me. I may falter with my moods. I may project, at times, a strangeness that is alien to you which may bewilder or frighten you. There will be times when you question my motives. But because people are never constant and are as changeable as the seasons, I will try to build up within you a faith in my fundamental attitude and show you that my inconsistency is only for the moment and not a lasting part of me. I will show you love now. Each and every day, for each day is a lifetime. Every day we live we learn more how to love. I will not defer my love nor neglect it, for if I wait until tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. It is like a cloud in the sky, passing by. They always do, you know!
If I give you kindness and understanding, then I will receive your faith. If I give hate and dishonesty, I will receive your distrust. If I give you fear and am afraid, you will become afraid and fear me. I will give you what I need to receive.
To what degree (amount) I give love is determined by my own capability. My capability is determined by the environment of my past existence and my understanding of love, truth and God. My understanding is determined by my parents, friends, places I have lived and been. All experiences that have fed into my mind from living.
I will give you as much love as I can. If you will show me how to give more, then I will give more. I can only give as much as you need to receive or allow me to give. If you receive all I can give, then my love is endless and fulfilled. If you receive a portion (part) of my love, then I will give others the balance I am capable of giving. I must give all that I have, being what I am.
Love is universal. Love is the movement of life. I have loved a boy, a girl, my parents, art, nature. All things in life I find beautiful. No human being or society has the right to condemn any kind of love I feel or my way of expressing it, if I am sincere, sincerity being the honest realization of myself and there is no hurt or pain intentionally involved in my life or any life my life touches.
I want to become a truly loving spirit. Let my words, if I must speak, become a restoration of your soul. But when speech is silent, does a man project the great depth of his sensitivity. When I touch you, or kiss you, or hold you, I am saying a thousand words.
By Walter Rinder
Roger
good stuff.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..City Paper Eats: Go Dutch! =-.
Thanks for the article Harriet!!! I agree with your entire list and regarding #2 Don’t Take It Personal, I would also say don’t get too personal….meaning don’t personally attack your spouse when you are having a disagreement. Don’t say things that will hurt your spouse in the heat of the moment ….because those little comments will chip away at your relationship.
Also this is easier said than done, but for the most part flight is just not an option. So I don’t even put those thoughts in my head when I am dealing with the storms.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Welcome To BMWK ver 3.0!!! =-.
Great post Harriet. Thank you again for being so transparent on the site. You have no idea how many lives and marriages you are touching.
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Welcome To BMWK ver 3.0!!! =-.
I so needed to read this article today. Me and my husband have been going through some things over the past few months, and I’ve been at this very crossroad……fight or flight. We too have been through some hell in our marriage, but I’ve got to take into consideration the 12 years that we’ve been together, and the 3 beautiful children that have come out of it. It’s easy to put my running shoes on and head right on out the door, but I’ve got more than myself to think about. Every day that goes by I’m thankful for making some progress. I’m not so angry anymore, but the decision still needs to be made, and I don’t want to end up regretting anything later on down the line.
Ms Harriet nice article today….
Our marriage is bigger than the conflict.
Together we can solve this problem.
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Whatever the problem is it cannot be more important to me than you are!
New Habits I’ve learned…..
Counting to ten is not a bad idea….corny but, it works for me! stop laughing!
Think of ten reasons not to give your spouse a piece of your mind.
Communicate for the future as well as the present.
Convey something that helps your spouse to reach you easily.
- We agree in advance to learn our partners behavior type and to be aware of the triggers that may bring a conflict.
- We agree that we are a team trying to reach the same goals, we agree that we are not in a battle, we will not collide, we will not fight, and if and when we disagree we vow to remember that we are not adversaries but lovers and best friends.
And Amen to the other comment already mention!
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Toby Keith – Cryin’ For Me (Wayman’s Song) =-.
This was a great article! You spoke nothing but the truth! Many people enter into marriage with “delusions of grandeur”. They *think* they’ll NEVER hit rough patches. Au contraire mon frere, it’s surely coming. You just need to know how to handle it. You listed a great set of communication tools.
Thank you Mrs. Harriet, your article was very inspiring. I am pretty sure your article has and is helping a lot of troubled marriages because what you stated it so true. You listed five very important steps to take in mind that I’m sure we all have heard of sometime during our marriage but forget to actually put them into play when we are going through the storm.
I say thanks again for the reminder, it came right on time.
Stay Blessed
You have no idea how much I needed to read this. My husband and I are at a rough patch but it’s mainly from my end and I needed a starting place to talk with him about it. Thank you for the jump-off point and Roger, I’m copying that poem as well!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..am i giving up? =-.
@ SpenserAvery, I’ll be praying with you. Women…we are emotional at times, and I continuously have to rehearse in my mind not to allow my emotions to be the guiding factor for the decisions I make.
@ Lynn, I was hoping Lamar and Ronnie wouldn’t fire me for writing this one. LOL (Just kidding, Boss Man and Boss Lady). There are times when I fake it until I make it, but the real me is always revealed in the words I write. Picking wise battles and refusing to nitpick are rules of thumb I always try to employ. I’ve been guilty in the past of taking it to the street and hitting below the belt, but thank God I found that to be counterproductive, so I don’t employ that method any longer.
@ Roger, I sent that poem to my husband via e-mail. It was really poignant, and I so appreciate your wisdom on this site! A person cannot disregard 43 years of marriage because they want to be right or justified. I want to thank you for your compassion in teaching us “young bucks” how to do marriage successfully. God bless you!
@ Ms. P, thanks, sis!
@ Ronnie, I can readily admit that I’ve attacked my husband in the past. That’s not the place this article came from today, thank God. Flight is not an option, but I’ve found that in my marriage, I have used that as an excuse to just take anything. It has created dysfunction and chaos that I have to face up to.
I believe my husband wants to face up to it with me, even if he didn’t, I would take that journey on my own. I can’t control what he does. We’re both adults. We love each other, and we’re committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work. PERIOD.
But I can’t allow myself to become a martyr for the sake of my marriage. I don’t want to be dead at the young age of 32 and get buried later at 90-120. Some crucial things need to change within me, and tough love must be employed. I’m not looking out for #1…this impasse is for two children that didn’t ask to be here. We have to get things in order.
I doubt he’ll employ the flight mechanism, but I’m not moving from this spot until something breaks and changes in me.
@ Lamar, I appreciate the opportunity. You have NO IDEA how much this outlet has helped me maintained my sanity.
@ Michele…hang in there, sis. I know how rough it is. But for me, it’s worth fighting through to get to God’s will, not my own.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
@ Whyte23, on point as usual. I told Roger how much I appreciate his wisdom, and the same goes for you. It’s always good when someone takes you back to your foundation and keeps your feet cemented in the importance of it.
@ Erica and Pam, thanks, ladies!
@ Tara, leave it to me to provide the jump off. ROFL I needed to write it as much as others say they needed to read it. It’s been rough on a sister lately. I had to release it before I exploded.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
Harriet,
Simply wonderful! Too many times we tend to talk about only the “good things” in our marriage and we never want to talk about the “bad things” that occur in our marriage. I’m glad that you kept it real. There WILL BE storms, for every season has them, but we need to remember that don’t last forever and there can be peace after they pass.
PRAY, pray, and pray some more and dig in your heels and fight for it. God is able, be selfless and look at the big picture
Harriet…I agree….Flight is not an option definitely should not be used as an excuse to just take anything in the marriage. And there are certainly situations where leaving may be warranted. However in general, flight should not be an option for me and when it is on not on the table, it leaves room for me to think of other alternatives to addressing the problems.
There are so many couples out there that are calling it quits after the first sign of trouble. Which is why I love the list of tools that you have provided in this article for our BMWK family.
Whyte23′s list is awesome as well…I especially like:
-Communicate for the future as well as the present.
-Convey something that helps your spouse to reach you easily.
- We agree in advance to learn our partners behavior type and to be aware of the triggers that may bring a conflict.
- We agree that we are a team trying to reach the same goals, we agree that we are not in a battle, we will not collide, we will not fight, and if and when we disagree we vow to remember that we are not adversaries but lovers and best friends.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Disney Releases ‘The Princess and the Frog’ Soundtrack (Live Stream Inside) =-.
This is very helpful. Its funny how you dropped it right around the time when i’m going through stuff. The “coincidences” that we’ve experienced are pretty amazing, and because of these coincidences (plus the fact that you have given the best and most persistent arguments of any other religious person that I have come across up to this point) I have decided to label you “My Favorite Christian”. Thanks again.
@ La Donna, see, you understand exactly where I’m coming from! It’s great to outline and illustrate the beauties of marriage, but in reality, no one will be convinced of my “happily ever after” unless I can show how I got to that point. Happily Ever After takes WORK.
@ Shamma, amen, sis. Prayer changes things…fasting and prayer, too!
@ Ronnie, I agree. There are so many couples cutting and running at the first hint of trouble. If that were my case, I would have been gone around month 3 or 4…seriously, I would have gotten my Brittany Spears on. ROFL. I thought Whyte23′s list was profound as well.
@ Luis, man, I’m so touched. I feel like I just won an Olympic gold medal! You made my week with that one!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
Thank you Mrs. Ronnie, Mrs. Harriet and your BMWK family and team members…..you are making a different one topics at a time…..by helping BMWK readers evaluate and re-evaluate themselves mentally and spiritually.
Keep up the Excellent Work!
God Bless you BMWK Family!
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Happy Birthday BabyGirl ….Sweet 16th =-.
Luis,
I just wanted to add that anything that I’ve said that has reached out to your heart is more than just a “coincidence.” I’ve always prayed that God would use what I write to reach other people. Don’t think it’s strange that every time we correspond, something touches you. It may be inadvertent and coincidental on my part, but it’s very strategic on His part.
It’s just really humbling to be used like that. That’s why your words touched me so much. It’s an answer to my sincere prayers.
Loved the article! I always read something inspiring on here! I’ve had the urge to flee, but not permanently. I have a question though: is it ok to leave for a little while to calm yourself down and come back when you can talk like calm adults? My husband and I have this disagreement because we can be in a heated argument and I feel trapped in the house with him. He had the great ability to get over something in 10-20 minutes. I on the other hand need to take whatever it is off my mind and replace it with something else. If not I will continue to think about it and find other things to say or other things that make me angrier (is that a word?).
@La Donna Blanton, very well said.
It’s Cold & Raining here in NY. Very drab and just awful out. But times like this help me BETTER appreciate the Hot Summer BBQ’s. Playing in the backyard with the kids or just sitting on the porch reading a book. You take the good with the bad.
Tomorrow will be better and I guess that’s the real point. If it isn’t going to get BETTER? Than a change must come. Working together or apart. But working on a SOLUTION none the less. Hopefully together!
@Harriet, Thanx again for helping me start the same conversation a very different way.
@ MissJay,
You asked, “is it ok to leave for a little while to calm yourself down and come back when you can talk like calm adults?”
I really don’t know the answer to that question. That doesn’t work for my marriage, but I always say that each marriage has its own heartbeat.
Here’s my thing–and I’m about to refer back to my military experience: In every action, there is TECHNIQUE and there is PROCEDURE.
Procedures are the foundation. There is a right and a wrong way to “do” marriage (i.e. commitment, fidelity, communication, etc.).
But technique is the way you go about doing marriage. For example, my husband loads the dishwasher without categorizing the dishes and the utensils. I load it with everything matching so it’ll be easier to put the dishes away. The ultimate goal, though, is for the dishes to get clean. Guess what? Whether they’re loaded all willy nilly or in a certain fashion, the goal is still met, and the dishes are still clean.
So although leaving to give space may not work for my marriage, I really can’t say whether or not it will work for yours. That’s technique. As long as the procedure and foundation of communication is there, and both of you understand it’s just temporary…
But I’m no professional. I don’t know of any studies that talk about whether or not that technique is potentially damaging…Roger? Whyte23? Care to comment?
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
@MissJay- I think you have to do what’s best for your marriage and nobody knows you better than you but… in the meantime I’d work on myself or talk to a counselor etc… about different strategies I could use to get around that. What scares me about people leaving is that it seems like after a while it would get easier and easier to get away, and stay away a little longer etc… Maybe that’s a reach but I always look for little things in our marriage that years down the line could lead to bigger things.
Also I’m just wondering how would you feel if one time he left? I know that’s not his normal routine from what you posted but just asking?
This article has inspired me as well. I am on marriage #2. My first marriage lasted 11years and 4 kids. I was in it to win it, but my husband refused to stay faithful and we evidentually divorce 5 years ago. Now here I am again newly married (6months) and wondering what I was thinking (or smoking)lol to say I do again!!!! Trust me guys, there is less tolerance and patience the second time around. You automatically go to flight because your tired and you definitely have to have a great deal of Stamina to run a race like Roger (43 years) or my parents who will have 55 years of marriage on Christmas. I love my husband so much and I am praying that God give me patience and some Stamina too lol lol……. God Bless…..
Great article! and….very well written.
I would like to add just a brief comment about spiritual marital relationships. I think it is important for partners to be “equally yoked” . Sometimes this process is so misunderstood, and as a result couples spend a complete life cycle trying to find that “ph ” balance that continues to escape them or, was never meant to be!!
@Lamar and Harriet
Thanks for flipping that for me to think about. I know I probably wouldn’t like it. I actually end up not leaving because I know he doesn’t like it. Also my other nature is to stick it out and try my best to make things right. Even if it’s just so I know that I’ve done everything that I could do to make things work(well that went for past relationships). I do remember in part of our counseling before we got married that the subject was brought up. It said it may be ok but to not make it a habit. I agree that it may be easier to stay away longer if it’s a normal practice to leave.
Mom December 9, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Great article! and….very well written.
I would like to add just a brief comment about spiritual marital relationships. I think it is important for partners to be “equally yoked” . Sometimes this process is so misunderstood, and as a result couples spend a complete life cycle trying to find that “ph ” balance that continues to escape them or, was never meant to be!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Some things were not meant to be, but ppl do stay out of the vows that they took or for the kids. Afraid of what others will say and afraid to admit that we failed ourselves. Once we get older we gain wisdom. Our gut takes over our heart and we know and can read between the lines in a instant. You do have to have that PH Balance and not marry for financial gain, or because everybody says it’s time.
@ GeeGee, you bring a valuable perspective to the table that I hadn’t thought about. What kinds of things make you think you were smoking something to get married again? LOL Do you find yourself thinking that some things in your current marriage look familiar to stuff that happened in your first marriage? How do you deal with that?
@ Mom…you sound like my own mom (I know it’s you!) LOL That’s profound, and I think it’s necessary for folks to look before they leap. I didn’t, but I think that PH balance is attainable for people like me. It just takes a little more work.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
Harriet what a wonderful article. This is what the world needs to hear. Thank GOD you chose to fight instead of take flight in your marriage. So many ppl in marriages today throw the towel in to quickly over menial things. If only we would use the ingredients that you listed to have a more unified marriage. Do we not understand that there is a real enemy that hates us and will do whatever it takes to destroy what GOD ordained? Now don’t get it twisted it takes two to make a marriage go wrong but it only takes one mature partner to humble themselves and say let’s fix this. God says in his word that a three braided cord isn’t easily broken. As long as GOD is the head of the marriage , husband submits to GODs authority, and wife follow suite then the marriage will work despite all the drama. God in this season is looking for his children to set the record straight in all things as you have done on today. Time -out for all this misleading on marriages as if we go through nothing. The bible says the truth shall make you free, not keep you in bondage. I believe that every person who reads this article marriages will be restored in the name of JESUS!! Harriet GOD has chosen you to go through this for others because there are lots of couples who are in pain and are afraid to speak on this matter ………but b/c you have been obedient and transparent with your marriage others will begin to take a deeper look at there situation know we are not by ourselves. I applaud you Mrs. Harriston and I ask the Lord to continue to wrap his loving arms around you and your family in this season of test and trails . Remember in passing every test there’s always promotion or rewards so press on in prayer , praise him daily, prophesy your future, and give the enemy no place . As I conclude my comment I know your husband is satisfied…..u know whenever we have “Heated Fellowship” the love making is the “BOMB”…lolololollolo
What a great article ..however in my case ..it’s been a long long struggle..he has never contributed financially to the marriage since day one , has had numerous affairs , thjere’s nothing going on physically between us anymore – in fact there’s no need to be here any more !!
@ Funyanna,
Thanks for the encouraging words, sis. And YES to your last statement! LOL!!!
@ Jawn,
How long is a “long struggle?” Do you all have children, and if so, how old are they?
I don’t think it’s such a bad idea that you all aren’t physically intimate, given the fact that he’s been sexually unfaithful. You have to protect yourself and your health in situations like that.
I can’t tell you how to do you…all I can say is I hope you have a plan. I’ll be praying for you, sis. Stay encouraged!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
In my marriage I draw strength from the marriages of the Bible. Job and his wife experienced the loss of everything they owned – including their 10 children. He held on to his faith but his wife turned on her husband and God. It serves as a classic example of fight or flight – Job fought on in faith, his wife did not. But in brief… in the end when God restored Job his wife was blessed as well, and the marriage was preserved. Be encouraged and fight the good fight of faith.
This post is very inspiring but what do you do if he took flight and now wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you?
@ Mrs. Harriet, thank you for the invite concerning Miss Jay – as you have stated I am not sure of any studies that address techniques regarding this area, but there is information available about technique “studies that talk about whether or not technique being potentially damaging”….via online about marriage strategic courses and books….is all good but, it’s nothing like real “LIFE” experiences put into action , hard work, daily events in/out of situations, last but not least draw from the examples of loving relationship found in the bible as @ Edward has stated. Here’s a little about my wife and myself….
We are Facilitator/Trainers for Basic Training for couples, this is the joint effort of Dr. Rozario Slack….http://www.rozarioslack.com We have joined forces to create African American Marriage Publications, a non-profit organization dedicated to producing materials for the African American community, designed to help our community to form and sustain healthy marriages. “Building & Strengthening Relationships to Change Lives….
@ Mr Lamar – You are on Point as always! per your comment to Miss Jay…. “talk to a counselor etc… about different strategies I could use to get around that. What scares me about people leaving is that it seems like after a while it would get easier and easier to get away, and stay away a little longer etc… Maybe that’s a reach but I always look for little things in our marriage that years down the line could lead to bigger things”.
@ Miss. Jay-
The decision that you have to make is the one that you know in your heart will be the best decision for the marriage. Trust your heart, as you stated, leaving is not the best decision because it will hurt your spouse. Try being transparent in your communication with him, let him know that you need time to get your thoughts together, but be fair about the time that you need. If he is ok between 10-20 minutes try not to take a week with your process. Find you a place in your home where you can process your thoughts. Do not shut your spouse out when you process, let him know what’s going on and them come back to him once you are ready to express your feelings. Don’t run stand and fight for your marriage when you do this you both will win.
Thank you for reading and sharing….
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Happy Birthday BabyGirl ….Sweet 16th =-.
@Ang – That is a tough one, only the individuals can assess what they can and cant deal with. I would suggest some real honest talk about where things went off track, what needs to happen to ensure it does not happen again and clear, mutually stated expectations would probably be a good start.
@Whyte23 I checked out Dr. Slack’s site, looks like a great and much needed training program. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christian marriage author – currently studying all of the marriages (narratives) of the Bible…I will be praying for your efforts – it is much needed.
@ Harriet and Ang girl thanks for asking this question “what do you do if he took flight” cause I’m in a similar situation. I would like to add and brought a house in another state? And after almost a year of separation wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you, along with the fact during the separation things were not financially stable?
@ Pam and Ang,
You know what? I am not equipped to answer your questions. I just don’t know WHAT I would do in situations like what you described.
That’s why it’s so imperative that we approach one another with a heart of compassion. From a Christian standpoint, if I were in your shoes, I would definitely pray for a heart that forgives, because anger, malice and vengeance would be my knee jerk reaction, and without Christ, I’m busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training.
Of course, that’s not going to resolve anything, so I would hope that I could forgive them to evict them from having rent-free space in my mind. That doesn’t mean that I would take them back. It just means that by forgiving them, I have effectively removed from them their power to wreak emotional havoc.
Other than that, as far as strategies to use to approach your specific issues, I’m going to refer your questions to those with both more experience and more study.
Edward? Whyte23? Roger?
@Harriet – “…without Christ, I’m busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training.”
Girl, even in the midst of your wise words and gentle guidance, you still find a way to make me ROFL….
.-= Tara´s last blog ..are you ready? =-.
@ Tara
LOL…I’m just sayin’
@ Mrs. Harriet, Thanks again for the invite…..
@ Mrs. Pam and Mrs. Ang,
This is really not enough information to make an informed reponse but in regards to the fight or flight question from @Harriet here are my thoughts.
Some important things would have to happen, first the adult people in the relationship would need to sit down and talk about the real cause and effect of What happen? What started this roller coaster ride? Meaning getting to the root of the matter by being truthful with one another ….as Col. Nathan R. Jessep played by Jack Nicholson favorite statement in the movie of A Few Good Men.” You Can’t Handle the Truth!” My question to both husband/wife relationship is – Can both of you handle the real TRUTH? Lets examine how we got to where we are at. Why did the separation take place? Why did it last so long? Why was the distance needed? Has growth happen in the lives of both parties? Why does one or both want the separation to be over? Has the initial cause/issue been addressed, worked out and healed? Forgiveness/healing must take place in order for growth to happen, not just in this situation but in all areas of your life. …yes, this process is obviously going to hurt and hurt pretty bad. As a man I have found that some men/husband have the tendencies to make excuses in order to do what they want to do or do what’s in their hearts, and then place the blame at the women/wife feet. In other words they’re being very selfish not caring about the other lives that they are effecting even the children. Women/wife have past issues that were never talked about or discuss not even with the men/husband before or during the marriage. You may need to sit down with a marriage Pastoral/Counselor – to talk about what’s really going on before resolving this issue. Remember it takes TWO in the relationship to make or repair the damage that was done in the marriage. Both have to come to the agreement that we’re BOTH in this thang til death, same heart and mind. Forgiveness on both sides for whatever the reason ….. is HARD to say ….but even HARDER to put it in action! With that said; love and trust your heart. As @Harriet stated forgiveness is the key to your peace of mind, pray for guidance and weigh his answers to your questions to see if the benefits that you need in a marriage are there for you. This weighing must be in the spiritual, natural and financial sides/areas of your life. You need to be at peace with your decision.
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Happy Birthday BabyGirl ….Sweet 16th =-.
I have decided to end the marriage. I have no energy to deal with depression, and verbal abuse. I have two kids and myself to look after.
Fighting and arguing is draining. I am ready for some peace.
Why am I so affected by the Tiger Woods scandal ??? Is it because my husband was also a serial adulterer ?? and I had to find out the hard way ..that he was having sex sessions in his car , my house , their houses .all whilst I was at work..
You ask if we had kids ..no ..this is a second marriage for both of us ..I have not left the marriage because I feel responsible for him..he left the US to join me in my country..since he arrived, has never worked and is just a burden to me ..I have told him to leave many times before but he played the sympathy game ..now he is really ill and I am very unhappy !!
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