Comments on: Fight or Flight?? Is Your Marriage Worth It? http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it Promoting Positive Images of Marriage and Parenting Since 2007 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:17:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Jawn http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-21062 Jawn Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:49:34 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-21062 Why am I so affected by the Tiger Woods scandal ??? Is it because my husband was also a serial adulterer ?? and I had to find out the hard way ..that he was having sex sessions in his car , my house , their houses .all whilst I was at work.. You ask if we had kids ..no ..this is a second marriage for both of us ..I have not left the marriage because I feel responsible for him..he left the US to join me in my country..since he arrived, has never worked and is just a burden to me ..I have told him to leave many times before but he played the sympathy game ..now he is really ill and I am very unhappy !! Why am I so affected by the Tiger Woods scandal ??? Is it because my husband was also a serial adulterer ?? and I had to find out the hard way ..that he was having sex sessions in his car , my house , their houses .all whilst I was at work..
You ask if we had kids ..no ..this is a second marriage for both of us ..I have not left the marriage because I feel responsible for him..he left the US to join me in my country..since he arrived, has never worked and is just a burden to me ..I have told him to leave many times before but he played the sympathy game ..now he is really ill and I am very unhappy !!

]]> By: ready to go http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-21029 ready to go Sun, 13 Dec 2009 06:42:41 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-21029 I have decided to end the marriage. I have no energy to deal with depression, and verbal abuse. I have two kids and myself to look after. Fighting and arguing is draining. I am ready for some peace. I have decided to end the marriage. I have no energy to deal with depression, and verbal abuse. I have two kids and myself to look after.

Fighting and arguing is draining. I am ready for some peace.

]]> By: Whyte23 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-21006 Whyte23 Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:38:07 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-21006 @ Mrs. Harriet, Thanks again for the invite..... @ Mrs. Pam and Mrs. Ang, This is really not enough information to make an informed reponse but in regards to the fight or flight question from @Harriet here are my thoughts. Some important things would have to happen, first the adult people in the relationship would need to sit down and talk about the real cause and effect of What happen? What started this roller coaster ride? Meaning getting to the root of the matter by being truthful with one another ....as Col. Nathan R. Jessep played by Jack Nicholson favorite statement in the movie of A Few Good Men." You Can't Handle the Truth!" My question to both husband/wife relationship is - Can both of you handle the real TRUTH? Lets examine how we got to where we are at. Why did the separation take place? Why did it last so long? Why was the distance needed? Has growth happen in the lives of both parties? Why does one or both want the separation to be over? Has the initial cause/issue been addressed, worked out and healed? Forgiveness/healing must take place in order for growth to happen, not just in this situation but in all areas of your life. ...yes, this process is obviously going to hurt and hurt pretty bad. As a man I have found that some men/husband have the tendencies to make excuses in order to do what they want to do or do what's in their hearts, and then place the blame at the women/wife feet. In other words they're being very selfish not caring about the other lives that they are effecting even the children. Women/wife have past issues that were never talked about or discuss not even with the men/husband before or during the marriage. You may need to sit down with a marriage Pastoral/Counselor - to talk about what's really going on before resolving this issue. Remember it takes TWO in the relationship to make or repair the damage that was done in the marriage. Both have to come to the agreement that we're BOTH in this thang til death, same heart and mind. Forgiveness on both sides for whatever the reason ..... is HARD to say ....but even HARDER to put it in action! With that said; love and trust your heart. As @Harriet stated forgiveness is the key to your peace of mind, pray for guidance and weigh his answers to your questions to see if the benefits that you need in a marriage are there for you. This weighing must be in the spiritual, natural and financial sides/areas of your life. You need to be at peace with your decision. .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..<a href="http://whyte23.blogspot.com/2009/12/happy-birthday-babygirl-sweet-16th.html" rel="nofollow">Happy Birthday BabyGirl ....Sweet 16th</a> =-. @ Mrs. Harriet, Thanks again for the invite…..

@ Mrs. Pam and Mrs. Ang,
This is really not enough information to make an informed reponse but in regards to the fight or flight question from @Harriet here are my thoughts.
Some important things would have to happen, first the adult people in the relationship would need to sit down and talk about the real cause and effect of What happen? What started this roller coaster ride? Meaning getting to the root of the matter by being truthful with one another ….as Col. Nathan R. Jessep played by Jack Nicholson favorite statement in the movie of A Few Good Men.” You Can’t Handle the Truth!” My question to both husband/wife relationship is – Can both of you handle the real TRUTH? Lets examine how we got to where we are at. Why did the separation take place? Why did it last so long? Why was the distance needed? Has growth happen in the lives of both parties? Why does one or both want the separation to be over? Has the initial cause/issue been addressed, worked out and healed? Forgiveness/healing must take place in order for growth to happen, not just in this situation but in all areas of your life. …yes, this process is obviously going to hurt and hurt pretty bad. As a man I have found that some men/husband have the tendencies to make excuses in order to do what they want to do or do what’s in their hearts, and then place the blame at the women/wife feet. In other words they’re being very selfish not caring about the other lives that they are effecting even the children. Women/wife have past issues that were never talked about or discuss not even with the men/husband before or during the marriage. You may need to sit down with a marriage Pastoral/Counselor – to talk about what’s really going on before resolving this issue. Remember it takes TWO in the relationship to make or repair the damage that was done in the marriage. Both have to come to the agreement that we’re BOTH in this thang til death, same heart and mind. Forgiveness on both sides for whatever the reason ….. is HARD to say ….but even HARDER to put it in action! With that said; love and trust your heart. As @Harriet stated forgiveness is the key to your peace of mind, pray for guidance and weigh his answers to your questions to see if the benefits that you need in a marriage are there for you. This weighing must be in the spiritual, natural and financial sides/areas of your life. You need to be at peace with your decision.
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Happy Birthday BabyGirl ….Sweet 16th =-.

]]> By: Harriet http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-21002 Harriet Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:52:28 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-21002 @ Tara LOL...I'm just sayin' @ Tara

LOL…I’m just sayin’

]]> By: Tara http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20999 Tara Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:38:22 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20999 @Harriet - "...without Christ, I'm busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training." Girl, even in the midst of your wise words and gentle guidance, you still find a way to make me ROFL.... :) .-= Tara´s last blog ..<a href="http://www.theyoungmommylife.com/2009/12/10/1508/" rel="nofollow">are you ready?</a> =-. @Harriet – “…without Christ, I’m busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training.”

Girl, even in the midst of your wise words and gentle guidance, you still find a way to make me ROFL…. :)
.-= Tara´s last blog ..are you ready? =-.

]]> By: Harriet http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20998 Harriet Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:30:04 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20998 @ Pam and Ang, You know what? I am not equipped to answer your questions. I just don't know WHAT I would do in situations like what you described. That's why it's so imperative that we approach one another with a heart of compassion. From a Christian standpoint, if I were in your shoes, I would definitely pray for a heart that forgives, because anger, malice and vengeance would be my knee jerk reaction, and without Christ, I'm busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training. Of course, that's not going to resolve anything, so I would hope that I could forgive them to evict them from having rent-free space in my mind. That doesn't mean that I would take them back. It just means that by forgiving them, I have effectively removed from them their power to wreak emotional havoc. Other than that, as far as strategies to use to approach your specific issues, I'm going to refer your questions to those with both more experience and more study. Edward? Whyte23? Roger? @ Pam and Ang,

You know what? I am not equipped to answer your questions. I just don’t know WHAT I would do in situations like what you described.

That’s why it’s so imperative that we approach one another with a heart of compassion. From a Christian standpoint, if I were in your shoes, I would definitely pray for a heart that forgives, because anger, malice and vengeance would be my knee jerk reaction, and without Christ, I’m busting windows out of cars and leaning on my military marksmanship training.

Of course, that’s not going to resolve anything, so I would hope that I could forgive them to evict them from having rent-free space in my mind. That doesn’t mean that I would take them back. It just means that by forgiving them, I have effectively removed from them their power to wreak emotional havoc.

Other than that, as far as strategies to use to approach your specific issues, I’m going to refer your questions to those with both more experience and more study.

Edward? Whyte23? Roger?

]]> By: Pam http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20980 Pam Fri, 11 Dec 2009 03:08:25 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20980 @ Harriet and Ang girl thanks for asking this question "what do you do if he took flight" cause I'm in a similar situation. I would like to add and brought a house in another state? And after almost a year of separation wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you, along with the fact during the separation things were not financially stable? @ Harriet and Ang girl thanks for asking this question “what do you do if he took flight” cause I’m in a similar situation. I would like to add and brought a house in another state? And after almost a year of separation wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you, along with the fact during the separation things were not financially stable?

]]> By: Edward http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20979 Edward Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:55:30 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20979 @Ang - That is a tough one, only the individuals can assess what they can and cant deal with. I would suggest some real honest talk about where things went off track, what needs to happen to ensure it does not happen again and clear, mutually stated expectations would probably be a good start. @Whyte23 I checked out Dr. Slack's site, looks like a great and much needed training program. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christian marriage author - currently studying all of the marriages (narratives) of the Bible...I will be praying for your efforts - it is much needed. @Ang – That is a tough one, only the individuals can assess what they can and cant deal with. I would suggest some real honest talk about where things went off track, what needs to happen to ensure it does not happen again and clear, mutually stated expectations would probably be a good start.

@Whyte23 I checked out Dr. Slack’s site, looks like a great and much needed training program. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christian marriage author – currently studying all of the marriages (narratives) of the Bible…I will be praying for your efforts – it is much needed.

]]> By: Whyte23 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20974 Whyte23 Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:13:31 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20974 @ Mrs. Harriet, thank you for the invite concerning Miss Jay - as you have stated I am not sure of any studies that address techniques regarding this area, but there is information available about technique "studies that talk about whether or not technique being potentially damaging"....via online about marriage strategic courses and books....is all good but, it's nothing like real "LIFE" experiences put into action , hard work, daily events in/out of situations, last but not least draw from the examples of loving relationship found in the bible as @ Edward has stated. Here's a little about my wife and myself.... We are Facilitator/Trainers for Basic Training for couples, this is the joint effort of Dr. Rozario Slack....http://www.rozarioslack.com We have joined forces to create African American Marriage Publications, a non-profit organization dedicated to producing materials for the African American community, designed to help our community to form and sustain healthy marriages. "Building & Strengthening Relationships to Change Lives.... @ Mr Lamar - You are on Point as always! per your comment to Miss Jay.... "talk to a counselor etc… about different strategies I could use to get around that. What scares me about people leaving is that it seems like after a while it would get easier and easier to get away, and stay away a little longer etc… Maybe that’s a reach but I always look for little things in our marriage that years down the line could lead to bigger things". @ Miss. Jay- The decision that you have to make is the one that you know in your heart will be the best decision for the marriage. Trust your heart, as you stated, leaving is not the best decision because it will hurt your spouse. Try being transparent in your communication with him, let him know that you need time to get your thoughts together, but be fair about the time that you need. If he is ok between 10-20 minutes try not to take a week with your process. Find you a place in your home where you can process your thoughts. Do not shut your spouse out when you process, let him know what's going on and them come back to him once you are ready to express your feelings. Don't run stand and fight for your marriage when you do this you both will win. Thank you for reading and sharing.... .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..<a href="http://whyte23.blogspot.com/2009/12/happy-birthday-babygirl-sweet-16th.html" rel="nofollow">Happy Birthday BabyGirl ....Sweet 16th</a> =-. @ Mrs. Harriet, thank you for the invite concerning Miss Jay – as you have stated I am not sure of any studies that address techniques regarding this area, but there is information available about technique “studies that talk about whether or not technique being potentially damaging”….via online about marriage strategic courses and books….is all good but, it’s nothing like real “LIFE” experiences put into action , hard work, daily events in/out of situations, last but not least draw from the examples of loving relationship found in the bible as @ Edward has stated. Here’s a little about my wife and myself….
We are Facilitator/Trainers for Basic Training for couples, this is the joint effort of Dr. Rozario Slack….http://www.rozarioslack.com We have joined forces to create African American Marriage Publications, a non-profit organization dedicated to producing materials for the African American community, designed to help our community to form and sustain healthy marriages. “Building & Strengthening Relationships to Change Lives….

@ Mr Lamar – You are on Point as always! per your comment to Miss Jay…. “talk to a counselor etc… about different strategies I could use to get around that. What scares me about people leaving is that it seems like after a while it would get easier and easier to get away, and stay away a little longer etc… Maybe that’s a reach but I always look for little things in our marriage that years down the line could lead to bigger things”.

@ Miss. Jay-
The decision that you have to make is the one that you know in your heart will be the best decision for the marriage. Trust your heart, as you stated, leaving is not the best decision because it will hurt your spouse. Try being transparent in your communication with him, let him know that you need time to get your thoughts together, but be fair about the time that you need. If he is ok between 10-20 minutes try not to take a week with your process. Find you a place in your home where you can process your thoughts. Do not shut your spouse out when you process, let him know what’s going on and them come back to him once you are ready to express your feelings. Don’t run stand and fight for your marriage when you do this you both will win.

Thank you for reading and sharing….
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Happy Birthday BabyGirl ….Sweet 16th =-.

]]> By: Ang http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/08/fight-or-flight%e2%80%8f-is-your-marriage-worth-it/comment-page-1#comment-20970 Ang Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:32:27 +0000 http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/?p=7146#comment-20970 This post is very inspiring but what do you do if he took flight and now wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you? This post is very inspiring but what do you do if he took flight and now wants to come back? How do you assess the situation without allowing the hurt that he left consume you?

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