Lonely Black Woman Syndrome (Reality or Fiction)

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on December 29th, 2009 | 71 comments

Recently another major media outlet (ABC’s Nightline this time) took a close look at the desperate state of lonely black women (starting to see a trend). Lately it seems like I’m talking more about this than I am about marriage. This story went along the lines that most do, pull together a group of girlfriend lawyers, doctors etc… that are black women with impressive college degrees and talk about how they can’t find a black man to marry. Their lists are too long, perhaps too superficial and they need to lower the expectations, yada, yada, yada….. I’m sure you’ve seen this story, it’s on the TV or in the newspaper at least once a week now. Take a look at this video and let’s discuss it further down below.

Here they go pushing numbers around again. Out of 100 black men they take the ones without diplomas, jobs and that are in jail then they give you a total of 54% that are left and available for marriage. Well here’s a news flash, 100% of women aren’t available either. Every time they run down numbers like this they never apply the same rulings to the women which would bring down their totals as well. Now it wouldn’t be to the same degree but you wouldn’t be working with a total pool of 100% from that end either. Some other things I picked up from this piece:

The one woman was comparing herself to her white friends who marry before 25. I believe that’s a cultural difference right there. In the white community you see a lot of couples getting married young….. right out of college. In the black community when you come home and say you’re getting married at 25 you better be prepared for the 3rd degree and for a bunch of folks telling you that you better wait. Our black daughters are taught to get everything they want to achieve before settling down. (Career, degrees, etc…)
She came back to say at one point she had a list of 50 things she wanted in a man….

cmonson

The other woman said a previous requirement was that the man had to be 6’5″? Are you kidding me? I’m down with having preferences, I truly believe in that…. but a particular height is a deal breaker? I could even understand wanting someone tall or taller than you. I hear this a lot from women… but an actual height is a bit extreme? So in the past if the dude was 6’3 1/4 he was ruled out? (See pic of Ed Lover above)
Ronnie did note that they probably were coached to be extra for the TV show and that this may have been edited “funny style” like on the reality shows so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

It just alarms me that our women are being beat down every week by being told that basically if you’re smart and educated you’re going to be single. You have no chance, no hope and you better not have any expectations of finding a man to marry and build a family with. There are plenty of women who read this site every day that are an exact contradiction to that. Heck we even just started with a new wedding blogger because our last one got married. They should let me line up a panel of our readers and let’s hear what they have to say. As this type of propaganda gets pushed out more and more I’m starting to see young black women embrace this as their plight and that’s what is scary. Here are a few more observations on this topic as this post rambles on…

All women with degrees and good jobs don’t make good wives. Every time they have one of these shows\articles we’re too assume that these women have it all together in their personal lives because they do in their professional lives. Well, in my dating days I met plenty of educated fools (and I’m sure our male and female readers have done the same) so I’ll leave that there.
I’ve met plenty of women who are in relationships or tied up with guys that are no good. Ever heard of blocking the blessing??? Great example, I had a female friend that was tied up with this guy who wasn’t necessarily bad but he didn’t want to make a move. They dated for a few years and after she realized he wasn’t going to make the next step she left the relationship. Two years later she met another guy that fell head over heals for her and had no problem with commitment. To make a long story short she’s married today but this probably wouldn’t be the case if she were still spinning her wheels with guy #1 and she definitely wouldn’t have met her husband.
If you have a crazy list of what you require and don’t let it go till you’re older how many good men or women for the fellas have you let slip by in your first 20 or 30 years of dating? Can you turn down potential mates for an extended period of time without giving them a chance and then say, “There are no good choices available”?

BMWK family, is Lonely Black Woman Syndrome real or just media hype. If it’s real, what is the cause and what can be done about it? If you think it’s media hype made for ratings tell us why you think so.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Colette

@Busy Bee, my thoughts exactly.

This all may not feel good to hear but it should not be ignored.
Aliyah

Why does it never occur to people that a Black woman has more options than just marrying a Black man. We have a worldwide population of men out there that the Black woman can choose from… If the statistics are as dire as “they” would love for us to believe then we as Black women need to be creative in expanding our options. Perhaps there is a society somewhere in the world where the men out number the women and they would love to set up some sort of agreement where perhaps Black women who are interested can meet/court with men from that society who are interested. Come on Black women in America, lets not be fooled into thinking that because there is a small shortage of Black men in America that our options for love/marriage are gone. There are other races of people…. Yes I know, there is nothing like a good Black man but hey we have to improvise here….
d

I agree with Busybees last comment and much of what Reese has posted!
d

Your last two posts hit the nail RIGHT on the head!
doris

Blacl women need to stop stressing over getting married to men in their age group. Perhaps they need to open up their standards. There are very few knights white or black who are going to swoop us up and live happily ever after. What we must do as women is choose our happiness. The world is so full of so many things and people. Too many of us limit ourselvs geographically, socially and financially. If a womwn really wants to be married, stop wasting time on men who won’t committ. Dating is supposed to lead to some type of committment. After a year and nothing solid, move on, your like a can of peas on the shelf waiting to expire. And take note marriage isn’t for everybody. You need to examine what about a marriage it is you want and if you can meet the person who feels at least 60% the way you do.
Doretha

Well, well… Let’s be real, the physical statue of a man or woman doesn’t matter. Of course, you don’t want to wake up to a booger bear but come on folks, the truth of the matter is, it is about the conditions of the heart. Maybe “all the single ladies,” are focusing on the wrong aspect of what’s right, wrong, good or bad. I am also educated; however I have the degrees and the degrees don’t have me. The degrees are priceless but at the same time, the degrees, the job, the house nor the man should define you. Its about priority. The truth of the matter is… only what you do for Christ will last. Don’t get it twisted, I am not saying go to church to find “the husband.” SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS AND ALL, ALL, ALL THINGS WILL BE ADDED…which could also include a husband.
LA Momma of 2

@ Colette
I completely agree with that. The longer you’re married the clearer it becomes who your true friends are who are genuinely happy for you.
d

I don’t think the issue is that woman are define by a man or anything/anyone else. I know I’m not. The question is, is this lonely black woman syndrome fact of fiction? So forgive me but I’m a little confused… in the meantime while your in the process of “seeking the kingdom”….do you remain relationshipless (if you will) because you can’t find a decent brother? What about the Christian women who have ALREADY sought out GOD/his kingdom and STILL can’t find a decent man>? Based on your quote above (at Doretha) you even said it “COULD (not WILL) include a husband”.

I think all too often, people use god as a remedy for EVERYTHING (which is not a bad thing) but it also doesn’t mean do nothing and wait for god to write you a letter regarding your situation and drop it from the sky. You sometimes have to take action simultaneously. You can’t always sit and do nothing in the process (although that’s required occasionally). And in this situation the women have adjusted their standards (and may have already “found the kingdom”) and on some levels take action, ultimately to find that there are a lack of good and available black man (facts are facts). It’s a sad but VERY REAL & unfortunate circumstance for many black CHRISTIAN women nationally!
Riki

What is wrong with being single for a while?? Married people are usually miserable and the majority of black men ( not sure about other races) are not even faithful to their wives. I am sorry but that is just the reality. Moreover having a man is usually like having another child. Many of our men are so emotionally and psychologically messed up that it is just not worth the trouble! Trust me I hear stories everyday of the dumb wife at home cooking , cleaning, and taking care of the kids and the husband is off treating the mistress like a queen. Being a wife is not all it is cracked up to be!!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Riki- sorry if I don’t feed into the stereotypes with you. You should hang around the site for a while and maybe some of those will begin to wash away. What you typed above may be your reality but I see proof to the contrary on a daily basis. I hear stories everyday of husbands and wives who love each other to death and women who say being married is all that and a bag of chips.
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Love Don’t Cost a Thing: How Much Does Money Matter? =-.
Sm_meadows

What about single black women that have no kids, no college degree and no profession and starting college late in life due to surviving on their own? Some can be in long relationships but the men end up not wanting marriage and years are wasted by thinking all the time and love will pay off. In my case I have never been married not even engaged. It's hard out here to find a guy that really wants to commit to a woman. From my experience they rather have a companion than a wife.

Sm_meadows

To add I am 37 year old and I would like to have kids. I don't want to end up being a single mother. If I don't end up being married by in my 40″s then I will end up either going to the Sperm bank or finding a donor. I would prefer to have a husband and child package but I will select single mother package if I don't have a mate.

Rydargames

what do you look like? maybe i can be your husband

jo mama

Do you know what I’d like to ask those people writing about “lonely” black women infinitum ad nauseum? I’d like to ask them exactly what is wrong with being single! Also why should they care about somoene’s marital status as if somehow being married makes you “better” than someone who isn’t. Yeah, I’m nearly 50, been divorced for more than 20 years, and sure I get lonely but then so do women who are married. Loneliness can happen to anyone…of any race. Too bad the media doesn’t seem to get it.
Donaldclark2009

Why get married in the first place? You’ll just end up divorced, being single is not bad,I am married but wish that I was single,and only be responsible for #1 ME,And I had a female that allowed me to release my sexual tension,with no strings attached,no baggage,no drama. I miss that. I envy people who are single or divorced,Lonely I wasn’t lonely,I was much happier,I respect marriage but just not cut out for it.
Dstrong999

Can’t you just adopt? The black community already has enough out of wedlock fatherless babies as it is.
generation x

The reason why so many of us black women are “lonely” cause we are looking for the fairy type story ending. Our black prince. Has generation pass, our black man is not like the black man our great grandmothers were dating. And also media plays a urge part to what our black man are and how they are look at today. There are a huge amount of issue that can be the caused to why most black women feels lonely and restless. It not all about the women being educated and independent. If that’s the case then black men need to step their game up and the women needs to have higher standards in their picking of men and she needs to open her options (does he have to be black). If we do not open our options and just stick to one race for a mate, than we may not find one. Most blacks, especially the ones in their 20″s and 30′s are not looking for someone to make that one commitment to. Life now a day is like a big music video. And if you can live it up, then why cut it short. don’t be shame for having that mind concept, you’re young and why not. But what I don’t have respect for is the guys that want to be free and try to commit at the same time.
Elaine_dev

I’m 37, single and a mother. I have never been married. I was in a few relationships that went no where. Men who I believed to be strong black men, where not. They only wanted a room mate they share bodies and the same bed with. Everything was a front when I decided to enter the relationship. My last relationship, he bought me a vehicle got us a nice house, and furniture. I guess he figured thats what I wanted to be happy, despite him staying gone all night with others, and cheating. He said this should be enough. Most women would be glad, he said. He did not understand what I wanted, so I told him he can leave and not come back. I am still lonely, but I still refuse to settle for anything.
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OMOLARA KIM

i dont know what my take is on this. But, the lists can be superficial and not realistic. Must give room for imperfections…

Like mentioned above “Good degrees and jobs does not make you good wives”. Thus, I think women should shift their mindset and concentrate on other key areas. But who am I to talk maybe I dont understand the situation enough.

Well, am sure they are not tied to marrying just African American dudes.If you are, u should visit Africa they are many potentials there, but then again culture clash..

I dont have any answers. PRAYER is the best option and YES IT WORKS… Before people say why does everything involve God. Simple he is bigger than our tiny mindset.

Each to their own. Media hype definitely…
OMOLARA KIM

i dont know what my take is on this. But, the lists can be superficial and not realistic. Must give room for imperfections…

Like mentioned above “Good degrees and jobs does not make you good wives”. Thus, I think women should shift their mindset and concentrate on other key areas. But who am I to talk maybe I dont understand the situation enough.

Well, am sure they are not tied to marrying just African American dudes.If you are, u should visit Africa they are many potentials there, but then again culture clash..

I dont have any answers. PRAYER is the best option and YES IT WORKS… Before people say why does everything involve God. Simple he is bigger than our tiny mindset.

Each to their own. Media hype definitely…