Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

Baby On the Side…Would You Stay?

Relationships

by  |  on December 28th, 2009  |  24 comments

babygirl

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

A few nights ago I had a very vivid dream in which my husband confessed to me that he had an affair and the other woman was now pregnant with his baby. Now, even though I knew I was dreaming, I was livid. Pissed. Justifiably prone to homicide.

But what happened next shocked me.

In my dream, I forgave him. Accepted the situation as it was. Met the other woman. Wished her well in her pregnancy. Even helped turn the guest bedroom in our house into the new baby’s room. (Yes, I have incredibly long dreams. Just one dream all night. It’s like a movie.)

Yes, I still had anger toward my husband but I forgave him and we moved on. As I’m sitting here typing this, I can’t believe that was my reaction. As I think about it now, as I’m not dreaming anymore, I don’t know how I would react. But it gives me comfort to know that even in my subconscious, I’m willing to give my marriage a fighting chance.

Most of us who haven’t been married that long haven’t really faced those type of situations that would make us run for the door. I know I haven’t.

Fighting for a marriage even when you’ve been done wrong is the ultimate sign of commitment. The fact that you will struggle to keep what you’ve built even when it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing is a true test of our love. Of course, one person can’t do it alone and in my dream my husband was (of course) apologetic and wanting to work it out.

But this whole dream gave me a new perspective on my marriage. When I took those vows on that beautiful day in June almost three years ago, I told my husband that I was in it for the long haul. I meant it then and I mean it now.

Have you been tested in your marriage (and no, very vivid dreams don’t count)? How did you know you wanted to work it out?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



Related Posts with Thumbnails

 
Add a comment

Comments (24)

  1. Aja Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I think that this is the one scenario that I've always had in mind where I'm pretty sure that I would not stay. I have never been faced with it and hopefully never will be, so I don't know in reality how I would react. But I think for me its just a matter of knowing my own limitations. An affair I may be able to deal with, a constant, lifelong reminder of an affair..I don't know that I could deal with it without constantly taking it out on both him and the child, which isn't fair. I know women that have been in this situation and have been able to make it work, I just can't say with confidence that I'm one of them. I meant my vows but when you are getting women pregnant on the side I feel like you are in violation of that contract.
  2. Tim Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Let me preface my comments by saying that short of infidelity, there is nothing that would make me leave my marriage (once I’m married again). There is nothing better than an God ordained marriage made in heaven -- problems and all. That said, Infidelity is a deal breaker for me and I will not even attempt to reconcile. Although there was no other child involved, my ex wife’s infidelity is what ended my marriage. There were two instances where her infidelity was strongly suspected during the marriage, one confirmed 3 year affair with a co-worker and many other instances during our 20 years together where I had my doubts. During the divorce and afterwards, I was able to confirm many of the instances of infidelity – instances in which she was confronted, denied, denied, denied and promised that “it would never happen again.” Infidelity breaks the marriage covenant and causes so much damage: emotional abuse, exposure to disease, impact on the marital children, impact on potential other children, etc., etc. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the condition of the marriage the leads to infidelity, but something broken in the cheating partner. We tried to reconcile but she was unwilling to be accountable and put in the extremely hard work to address the (her) issues that led to her behavior and regain my trust. More importantly though, for me trust is one of the foundations of a successful marriage and once it is squandered in that way it cannot be sufficiently regained (at least for me). I believe this is why adultery is the only biblically sanctioned reason for divorce. That said, I applaud and support those who struggle through infidelity and can reconcile to have a stronger marriage. I am just not one of them.
  3. Mom of 3 Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I have been married twice and the during the first marriage, this exact scenario happened to me. My ex-husband and I were already having some serious issues, and then he found out he had a child with some lady that he met at the club. I didn't even have the 9 months to prepare because when he found out, the child was already here....so I filed for a divorce because I was tired of the crap. With that said, I was only 22 then and we got married when we were 19. I used to say that it was a big mistake to get married that young, but now I count it as a learning lesson and a blessing because it taught me a whole lot of things about relationships and life.
  4. Anonymous Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I know of several women that this exact scenario has happened to and they chose to forgive their husbands. I know it wasn't an easy process and the husbands have spent their life times paying for it but eventually the drama of it all wore off, the child grew up, and because these couples loved each other SO MUCH they were able to move beyond it. I think the husbands had a newer and more profound respect and love for their wives for being able to forgive such betrayal. In everything, that situation is a case by case decision to make.
  5. peter Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    If the situation were reversed and you became pregnant because of an affair. How many husbands would stay? Once you answer that. You know what the only true answer can be.
  6. Ronnie Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I know of a few women where this exact situation occured in their marriages and they not only stayed..but they raised the child. I am always so amazed at how they were able to forgive their husbands. I want to say that I would forgive my husband...it would take a lot of prayer and it would also depend on his actions because it would take a LOT of hard work to build trust again. .-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Baby On the Side…Would You Stay? =-.
  7. Shanita Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I have absolutely no idea how I would react in this situation. At first glance, I would say....I'm out! Because it says a lot about the person you are married to for them to allow this to happen. Something is already seriously broken and the love child is just evidence of that. There is a reason why adultery is the only justifiable reason that God gave for divorce. It is so much deeper than forgiving a mistake. It takes lots of healing and rededication along with the forgiveness. I think about what it's teaching my children if I stayed. Am I teaching them forgiveness and how to honor their committments or am I teaching them that their is no consequence for their actions. It's amazing how many women claim they would stay. I'd like to hear from more of the guys out there.
  8. Tara Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    You know, after I woke up, I told my husband about the dream. I asked him, if the situation were reversed, if I were pregnant with another man's baby, would he stay? Without blinking or hesitating he said that he would. It shocked me to my core. My husband is not the type of man to say something he doesn't mean. I ask if these jeans make me look fat, he'll give me the once-over and say, "Yes." LOL. Now, I kind of doubt that he would stay (he might try but then it might prove to be too much). But it did reassure me, in some weird way... .-= Tara´s last blog ..give a little, get a lot =-.
  9. Harriet Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I just finished asking my husband this question. He said that if I ever cheated on him and got pregnant in the process, he would be devastated. He doesn't know what he would do. Personally, I don't know what I would do, either. We've gone through so much together, it would seem like adultery would be a slap in the face of all that we've invested. Ronnie, I would hope that I would be willing to put in the work to build trust back up. But I honestly just don't know. It would definitely have to be the hand of the Lord keeping us together. Jeesh, Tara! What's up with these technicolor, HD dreams you've been having? LOL .-= Harriet´s last blog ..In Transition =-.
  10. Tara Monday - 28 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    @Harriet - Girl, my dreams have detail. I usually have to wake up and grab the pen and paper on my nightstand and write it down because there's so much to remember. The other woman had a name in my dream. First name, middle initial, last name. I knew where she went to college, where she lived. So many details. It makes it so vivid, so real. When I woke up, it took me a minute to realize the dream was over. Which is good because it sure would have been unfortunate for my husband to wake up to a slap in the face. LOL.
  11. Ginger Tuesday - 29 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Im not sure if I could stay or if I'd pack up and leave. My brother and I were the products of such a relationship (well, my brother was born while they were still married and I came shortly after the divorce, at least I think so lol) and I saw first hand the pain it caused my sister and her mom and it sits with her today. But having experienced that as the child in question, I would want them to know that no matter the situation that they are loved. I can't do drama (just cant cant cant!) so this would take some prayer as I am an all in or out kinda gal. I would need to forgive and be supportive or leave and be done. Woosah! LOL And yes, that is one helluva HD dream lol
  12. ruby128 Tuesday - 29 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    That's a bit much for me to accept. However, if I also had children I would not take it out on the child/children, since they will be brother/sister - like it or not, we would all have to find a way for the children to be apart of each other's lives. But people are real funny when they realize the grass is not greener on the other side, a mistake is one thing but clearly there is something wrong when the result is an affair and a child on the side, that's a a deal breaker for me because you can't come back and go whoops I made a mistake and I'm suppose to forgive all in the name of so-called love and marriage..uh-uh sorry. I would eventually forgive him but the marriage would be over.
  13. staycee2 Tuesday - 29 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I can't begin to phantom the thought of my hubby fathering a child on me!!! Like so many other people, I would be devastated as well. Fathering a child and drugs are grounds for my marriage to desolve!!! I love my husband unconditionally and we bust our butts for each other & our household. Although, kids are innocent, I wouldn't hold any grudges agains the child conceived, but I would definetly leave my husband without a doubt!
  14. Colette Tuesday - 29 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Um no. Baby aside...If he goes out and has sex with someone with out a condom no less. It is over...some people may have to do this because their man was a little out there to begin with but that is not the relationship I'm in. We have too much respect for the Union and we each have too much integrity to lie (cheat). I can't even imagine it, it's so out of my realm of thinking (thank god). I know someone this happened to, she's a shell of her former self. She's a drinker now when she wasn't before they married. He cheats constantly. She babysits the child that is her childs age...it's crazy. Now that she's stayed she's telling her daughter to stay. She's telling the man it's okay to do it to the next women...I think too many women are willing to accept infidelity these days. That's not okay ladies!
  15. Anna Tuesday - 29 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Have you been tested in your marriage (and no, very vivid dreams don’t count)? How did you know you wanted to work it out? ~~~~~~ Are we all in one way or another tested in our marriage? If hubby cheated on me and the result is a child would I be upset? Of course. If hubby told me he had a child outside our marriage, would I accept the child? Maybe. (Sorry, but it would have to depend on who the mother is, if I forgive). You can forgive a hubby(sometimes) and you can't ingnore a child being born, but it really does depend on who the childs other parent is, that one has to forgive, forget and get over it. I am so glad I am not in those shoes. My hubby is in shoes right now that he did not sign up for. He has helped me raise my kids for over 13 yrs. Today(along with my kids dad) we became grand parents. Our son and his gf had a baby girl today. My son is not married to the new baby his gf delivered. It does not make her anymore our grand child or my son not my son. or our grand daughrer not our grand daughter. Things do happen, and its called "life". I am a 42 yr. old grandmother and it's still 2009 and I will use the word "WOW"! I am just happy that I did not cry when I saw my grand baby for the first time. I have been tested in my marriage because hubby and I don't have kids together but he has shared being a parent with me long ago.
  16. KK Wednesday - 30 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    I had the same dream the writer described. The institution of marriage is important to me as a Christian, so I decided to stay in the marriage, provided that my husband agreed to begin counseling and work on rebuilding our marriage. This has been a rough road and it still is hard to deal with. My husband is actively involved in the child's life. As time goes on, I am trying to get comfortable with this reality. No matter how many years pass, you never forget the hurt. You can't - because there is a child as a constant reminder. I fully understand adultery being a deal breaker. The other side of that is being committed to your marriage - even during the bad times. When you stand at the alter, no one thinks about what will happen in the bad times. A strong relationship with God is the only way to get through an affair - period. This takes constant prayer and a steadfast committment to staying together the way God intended.
  17. Amazing Wednesday - 30 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Wow It's comforting to know that there are others out there in the exact situation I was in. Husband of several years involved in an extramarital affair that produced a child. I remember when my husband admitted to the affair and although I was completely hurt by the "event" I had to remember this was my husband and I made a vow to GOD to love him through everything and try to forgive him through time and prayer. I then became confronted with a 2 month old baby boy who had nowhere to go because his mother was forced to go back to her country. Do I turn the child away, my husband's child? When my husband shared the situation with his son with me, I asked him to bring the child home (Needless to say my son never sees his biological mother). I then became faced with raising our 2 1/2 year old daughter (at the time) and a 2 month old son. I questioned if would I be able to provide love to him knowing that he was a result of the broken promise my husband made to me. How do I explain to our daughter why mommy didn't have the baby. How can I run a household full of peace and love. As the love grew so profoundly between the children and myself the faith, trust and love deteriorated with physical and verbal abuse from my husband. How could something that should have brought us together and made us stronger tear us apart? I resolved that my husband, who was not filled with GODs love could not truly forgive himself, instead opting to find comfort in drugs, alcohol and abusing me. My husband and I have been divorced for 6 years now. I feel the greatest gift GOD blessed me with during my 15 year marriage was our lovely 15 year old daughter and a beautiful 12 year old son who I call my own. My daughter, son, and I live in peace, harmony, and love. I don't consider him any different than her and love him just as much because he is MY son...
  18. Jonesi Wednesday - 30 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    @Amazing - I really appreciate you sharing your story...wow.... I just want to say, as a product of an affair, the pain never really goes away for the child (or at least for me it hasn't). And, even though I had absolutely nothing to do with my father's trifling ways, the affect it had on the children really should be subject of priority. His wife at the time was extremely, extremely malicious, callous, and she succeeded in making me feel the lowest of low. As a 25yr old married woman, though I understand her pain now, I still don't understand her anger towards me. It was bad. I was a secret child well into my late teens and even trying to connect to my paternal family is STILL difficult. I was never able to build a solid relationship with my sister from his marriage because the situation caused her much pain too. But because my mother is the God-fearing woman that she is, she never allowed me to disrespect my father nor did she talk bad about him no matter how much pain his lies and deceit caused her, myself, siblings and other family members. I think getting married had truly grown me up. I now understand God's love to the fullest and actually try to really connect with my father now because I realize though he was the cause, he has experienced great pain as well. But I shared all this to say, for those unfortunate enough to find themselves in this situation, please please PLEASE keep in mind how you treat the child if one is a product of the indiscretion. In the black community we tend to sweep things under the rug when they really need to be addressed. And while you may think some things are better left unsaid, it's unfair for the child to be mistreated AND not in the know of the situation that brought them about. I found out about my existence in a very cold, abrupt manner and I think to this day, I would have handled it better had my parents sat down and told me the truth. Anyway, God is amazing and with him, anyone can conquer anything, but the trauma an adult can cause an innocent child will never be forgotten...believe me. :-)
  19. Amazing Thursday - 31 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    @Jonesi..... Wow... Please always remember it is NOT your fault. Your a child of GOD and are here for a reason, its unfortunate that your fathers wife coud not forgive her husband enough to accept you in to his life. Far too often women (and men too) blame the wrong person for an affair. Children who result from an affair should never be blamed.... Their innocent and did not ask to be here. I agree with you that the truth should have come out a long time ago. A "secret" kept for years is much harder to heal from then if you confront the situation when it presents itself. But GOD is a good GOD and place situations in our lives to teach us. All I ask you to do is keep the faith, remain steadfast, trust and love your husband and never forget to Thank GOD everyday for is blessing, for making you a strong determined women. You will never forget the to you but need to forgive. So you can move forward.
  20. Jonesi Thursday - 31 / 12 / 2009 Reply
    Thanks Amazing! Happy New Years to everyone! :-)
  21. LA Momma of 2 Wednesday - 06 / 01 / 2010 Reply
    @KK: A strong relationship with God is the only way to get through an affair – period. This takes constant prayer and a steadfast committment to staying together the way God intended. Put simply-Thank you!
  22. Mctpinky Tuesday - 28 / 09 / 2010 Reply
    I am sorry to say, but I would NOT stay. I can't continue to face the humiliation and every time I see my husband and/or the child I would relive it again. NO NO NO!
  23. J.D. Saturday - 16 / 10 / 2010 Reply
    I think the distinction has to be my husbands attitude and reaction. I meet too many women who try to stay in a marriage no matter what but one person cannot make a marriage.