Does Looking To The Future Hurt Or Help Your Relationship?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on December 10th, 2009 | 8 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Every time I hear a new love song, I jot down the title and artist and keep it in a file called “10^th anniversary playlist.”

Yes, you read that right. I am in year two of this marriage thing, but I’m already planning our 10^th wedding anniversary party. Sometimes I think I’m crazy, because I feel I should be focusing on making sure our marriage is strong in the here and now to ensure that we make it to 10, 20, 30 years.

But I also feel that thinking about future plans keeps our marriage strong as well. We know divorce isn’t an option. (I told my husband he could divorce me, but we would still have to live together and he wouldn’t be allowed to date anyone else…lol) Whenever I hear one of these songs on the radio, I’m thinking about how it will feel to dance to it after 10 years of marriage, after those ups and downs that come with making someone a permanent part of your life.

Tell us – are you thinking ahead in your marriage or focusing on the here and now?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (8)

Anna Thursday - 10 / 12 / 2009 Reply

Tara Pringle Jefferson ( I told my husband he could divorce me, but we would still have to live together and he wouldn’t be allowed to date anyone else.) lol. Your song will always be "your song". You do not have to pick one now that will mean something to you after 10 yrs of marriage. I did not have a wedding, the very first song hubby and I danced to (at his Christmas Party Many years ago) was "More Bounce. The song was older than our marriage and came out when we were both in high school. We did not know each other in our high school days, but "More Bounce " is our song. I am just glad that the lighting was dim and the strobe light was weaving. We both leaned that day that neither one of us could dance, but I can say that his co workers was wondering who the white girl was that he was dancing with that night. He said " she is mixed and she is my wife". LOL. We may have been married for 2 years at that time, but the memories of hubby and I dancing on a floor is so funny. We have learned not to ever do that again. I can say (trying to keep my rep) that I use to roller skate to that song. Not sure why hubby let me lead him to the dance floor to dance to that song. The song being long is cool when you are skating, not cool when you and your spouse (both) can't dance. It reminds me of the first dance Obmaa had with his/our first lady. Obama does the little hip move, snap the fngers and calls it dancing. lol. I am sad like that. What is my hubbys excuse? Good Luck in finding a song that will fit the both of you and your 10 yrs. of marriage in the future. My motto is "go with the songs the both of you grew up on knowing together. Don't make it complecated but memorable.
Harriet Thursday - 10 / 12 / 2009 Reply

To answer your question: YES. LOL!! Just like you can't just live for the here and now, you can't have an effective life without a vision, either. This is great stuff, Tara! .-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak... =-.
Edward Thursday - 10 / 12 / 2009 Reply

Having something to look forward to is an essential to enduring the rough or lean times of a marriage. On our honeymoon my wife and I came up with 1, 3, and 5 year goals and we revisit them annually. In addition, I keep my wife's personal and our family goals in my Bible and review and pray over them often. It keeps us on track and helps us to see how God carries our family through every step of the way.
Ronnie Friday - 11 / 12 / 2009 Reply

Looking to the future helps. We do both. We work on our marriage now ..but set goals and have things to look forward to. I was just telling Lamar the other day that I might want to renew our vows at 10 years too!!
Tara Friday - 11 / 12 / 2009 Reply

@Ronnie - Yeah, we're having a vow renewal/blow-out party in 2017. :) You all are invited! :) .-= Tara´s last blog ..are you ready? =-.
Jonesi Friday - 11 / 12 / 2009 Reply

@Edward, that is an excellent idea, especially keeping them in a bible. My husband and I made a trip to the Family Christian Store a few years ago and "gifted" each other bibles with special notes to each other. So every now and then, I revisit that message and it still gives me butterflies :-) But I will now set a meeting to come up with goals...sounds fun actually. @Tara - When I was moving out of my mom's house, (the weekend before the wedding), My youngest sister found an old journal of mine with wedding plans written in the cover from liek three or four years ago LOL. Talk about planning and vision...almost all the people I identified in the journal were actually in the wedding (with quite a bit more...didn't expect to have ALL those folks in the wedding lol). So, all that to say, I think that's an excellent idea! One other thing I have is a "love book", where I keep all of our cards, emails, pics, etc. in a really cute book, and I want to have it as a keepsake for my children and grandchildren to give so they can see the love their parents/grandparents have/had and use it as a foundation of encouragement. I've been keeping it for like the last four years and everytime I share it with someone they compliment on how nice it is because it shows so many sides of us and the growth in our relationship.
Tara Sunday - 13 / 12 / 2009 Reply

@Jonesi - Man, that's a really good idea. Hmmm...I'll have to get started on mine. I think that would be dope to see how my grandparents were back in the day. Soo cute! :) .-= Tara´s last blog ..are you ready? =-.
Too Bad Saturday - 19 / 12 / 2009 Reply

It depends on your spouse. I speak in terms of when we grow old together, sending the kids off to college, watching my wife get her first gray string of hair. My wife does the opposite, telling me me she is not sure of making through the week with me. It hurts when she cant dream with me.