Secrets

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 5th, 2010 | 9 comments

Tyler_Perry_in_Why_Did_I_Get_Married_Wallpaper_2_1280

by Harriet Hairston

My husband and I were watching “Why Did I Get Married” over the weekend, anticipating Tyler Perry’s sequel in a few months. The scene (please pardon the quality) at the dinner table was the most memorable for me. The way secrets were exposed from two of the most colorful characters in the movie was simultaneously comical and tragic.

Secrets have a unique way of eating at the marrow of a marriage or family bit by bit until the relationship has been ruined. I’ve seen it so many times: the uncle that died of AIDS before medical doctors knew what it was, the cousin who was raped by another close cousin, the little girl who was molested by her stepfather, the husband with the pornography problem, the wife who secretly planned a one night rendezvous with her high school sweetheart….I could go on and on.

One thing I have noticed: secrets do marriages and families more harm than good. The damage is wide ranging:

Mistrust becomes the rule and not the exception
Children learn how to lie and manipulate in order to keep or create secrets
Open communication is prevented
Heart and autoimmune disorders attack because of a lack of emotional outlets for family members
Instead of unifying a family and creating cohesiveness, they divide and conquer
They lead to miscommunication and self-doubt

Growing up, I was always the inquisitive (read: nosey) one. When things did not make sense to me, I was the first one on the scene, investigating and asking questions to make all the puzzle pieces fit together. Although some of what I found out about my family was painful, it also provided clarity behind why certain family members personalities were shaped like they were. It allowed me to deal with family from a more compassionate stance, as opposed to the frustration I normally felt towards them.

In my marriage, my husband and I have an open door policy. It’s even difficult for me to keep gift ideas and surprises a secret!

BMWK, everyone has a story to tell. How did secrets affect your family and relationship dynamics growing up? Do you keep secrets in your marriage? If so, why? If not, why not?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Da Minster

I grew up without a father thinking that he was the problem due to his choice of lifestyle. He was there for me but we rarely stayed in the same house. He always made sure that he was accessible for me even if we didn’t see each other. I recently had my first child and my wife has always treated me poorly and with no respect. Since I grew up with my mom I have been accustom to talk to her when I’m down. But the particular conversation she confess the reason why her and my father were not together is because she treated my dad poorly also. I went to my dad and he confess she separated them and at times wouldn’t let me be with him, the same way my wife is currently doing me. But it didn’t bother me what she did it bother me that he never complain or had anything bad to say about her to me. But contrary she would always tell me how bad of a person he was. That particular secret weighed heavy because he remained a man even though he was innocent. He always even to this day only said positive things to about her. I believe in God and things happening in the spiritual realm and my life has become a reflection on his life. Secrets can break up families, but pride and greed can destroy what God is trying to establish! But from that the one lesson I learned from my dad’s actions is forgive, love, move on, & cherish what little you are given. Hurt and Healing can last forever, we just have to choose what feeling we want to have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funyanna Sule’

Harriet I totally agree with the open-door policy as well and with that being said I wouldn’t have it no other way. The examples you used are so real. People seem to believe that “not telling” is the best way b/c it won’t hurt the spouse but in actuality it makes it worse. It’s a sad, sad , thing to keep a secret from the person u say u love . In our home we tell all regardless of the consequences b/c together we will get thru it. Awesome BLog!!! Keep speaking truth we need it..Love ya!!
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ Da Minister,

You said that “one lesson I learned from my dad’s actions is forgive, love, move on, & cherish what little you are given.” That’s so awesome! I’m definitely praying with you that your life no longer reflect what your father went through, but that the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead would penetrate your marriage and relationship, so you may live your life–with your wife–more abundantly! Yes, we should cherish what “little” we are given…but God has so much more for us. Although we can expect no more from human beings than what they exhibit, we can expect ALL God promised when we walk according to His plan and purpose for our lives. Stay encouraged, brother! Your change WILL COME!

@ Funyanna,

Because I know you personally, your comment really blessed me. Just knowing how secrets ravaged your family while you were growing up, and how they attempted to destroy the family you created…wow. Look what the Lord has done!

I appreciate your words of encouragement! Thanks!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
michele

Growing up my mother was always honest with me and my brothers about things she’d done and experienced in her lifetime. She always encouraged/demanded honesty from us no matter the outcome/consequences…she WOULD NOT TOLERATE A LIE PERIOD! If any one of us lied to her ONE TIME, that was a guaranteed whoopin! I didn’t understand it at the time, but as I got older it got clearer to me. A lie does cause more harm than good. It counteracts the good that one may be attempting to accomplish.

While I was still dating my husband, I thought it was a good idea to be totally honest with him about some things from my past. I divulged information to him that even my mother never knew……to this day I still have mixed feelings about having shared that much information with him. I told that information in confidence. I wanted to show him that I was serious about our relationship, and no matter how painful some of the information was, I wanted him to know that I wasn’t perfect….I had flaws just like everyone else, but I was putting myself out there because I wanted to change and be the best person I could be for him, for myself, and for our future together.

Instead of him taking that information and empathizing with me about it, he used it against me in a negative manner. Whenever we’d have a disagreement or an argument, he’d throw something from my past up in my face. I don’t know if it was just him being spiteful or what. I’ve taken my “Big Girl Pill” and I’ve made my peace with my past, I’ve moved on from it. His past is just as checkered as mine, if not moreso, but I don’t use his “dirt” against him because it’s just not fair or right to do so.

I share certain things with him now and it shouldn’t even be that way, but it is. I’m almost 40 and I don’t want to hear about something I did in my 20′s. That’s been more than enough time for me to have corrected the behavior(s) or whatever the situation was, and believe me, it has been corrected…..not repeated. Communication between the two of us is definitely not as open as it used to be, but I still encourage honesty in all aspects as the best policy.

I cannot throw stones in a glass house because I’ve made my share of mistakes. I choose not to repeat them.

(Long-winded and I apologize). =D
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Michele,

First, no apologies necessary. It’s always refreshing to be able to “shake a load off” when you can.

Before my husband and I even started dating, he revealed EVERYTHING to me–good, bad and ugly–and it really made me trust him more. It takes a big man to admit to wrongs he’s committed over time. Then it became my choice as to whether or not I wanted to be in a committed relationship with him.

It’s too bad that your past has been used against you in such a way. My husband and I determined that if our past is going to be brought up, it will be to give God the glory for where He brought us from, as opposed to using it as a damaging weapon against one another.

We read last week that as soon as a second passes, it’s the past, and that’s how we need to look at our “past” as well. We live, learn and then move on.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

This is an awesome post…thanks Harriet as I also think that honesty is the best policy. I also believe that there should not be any secrets between husband and wife. Lamar and I are totally open with each other. We don’t hide cell phones or emails or passwords or anything else. I am totally comfortable leaving my cell phone or email accounts open around him and don’t mind if he knows my passwords….etc.

Thanks to everyone that shared with their comments above and I am totally in agreement with Harriet that we will be praying that we all have happy healthy relationships with our spouses, friends and families.
Dee

Honesty is the best policy, but so is discretion. What I find hysterical, is that going back to a previous post, where so many people don’t want there spouse as a facebook friend. I am pretty sure there were more people who didn’t want or didn’t have their spouse as friends than those who did. Are people who dont want their spouse as a friend on facebook being dishonest? I think that it is more of a product of being discreet than dishonest. I don’t think its necessary or even wise for a spouse to know absolutely everything that the other says or does or thinks. I think its more important to have trust and respect. There are of course exceptions to that rule, specifically if something is dangerous or harmful that must be brought out to the forefront. Oh and I still think that spouses being on facebook together is fine, in fact i think it keeps you HONEST!!
Da Minster

@ Harriett

Thanks I know one thing God will prevail no matter how the situation may end.

@ Group

Honesty should lead to closer level with Christ. We have people in today’s society that request the truth but when given the truth label the “truth reveler.” Marriages is the worst place because you can love your spouse so much to want to tell the truth and once one does it can lead to worst state in the marriage. The reason is due to the relationship people have with Jesus. When Jesus sat with the sinners, it wasn’t that Jesus was trying to find out and scold them, he was trying to free them. Jesus knew that they were doing wrong but his compassion lead him not to “cut a fool” it lead to embracing them. If we as Christians cannot embrace when someone especially our spouses has become so sinful that they need forgiveness, then we need to evaluate our own lives! I remember back in the days when the parents of their children when the children used to get “bold” would say, “when did you start smelling yourself?” Have we become those “church officials” in the bible that will not embrace someones faults and honesty in Jesus days? I realize love is supposed to release a person but we will surely bonded a person up because of their love!
Tiffany B

I think there is a big difference between keeping secrets and being a private person! My parents weren’t very affectionate with me although I knew they loved me a lot, so its hard for me to show affection and such..Im private in my feelings and emotions and talking about them..

I think this has made him mistrustful of me..in an argument he recently told me that basically he’s been going through my phone, text, email and I’m guessing anything else of mines that he can go through..I was very offended by this..my phone doesn’t have a password, I’ve never tried to hide any of that stuff..his phone and everything he touches has passwords, but it never bothered until I found he’s been going through my stuff..

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