Have Relationships Between Black Men and Women Changed At All Over The Past 30+ Years?

On the Web

by Lamar Tyler | on January 7th, 2010 | 14 comments

by Lamar Tyler

Yesterday my man Janks Morton posted a link on his Facebook page that blew me away. He linked to a site called Black I nformant that had another link to an edition of Ebony magazine from 1977 that focused on the rise of the new black woman. Inside of the pages there was an article that grabbed my attention by Dr. Alvin Poussaint and his wife Ann Ashmore Poussaint titled, “Black Women\Black Men Has Something Gone Wrong Between Them”.

I didn’t get far into the article before I had a bad feeling in my gut. What would it say about our people if I read an article defining problems to you from more than 30 years ago and these same problems were present today? To paraphrase the article Dr. Poussaint talks about black women not seeing black men as valuable, reliable and so on. He also states that black men are conditioned against the black female and accuse her of being too dominating, coming on too strong and being too materialistic. HELLO! Does any of this sound familiar?

The article goes on to talk about black men dating white women, the prospect that women could be educating themselves out of marriage and dating possibilities, the affect of women’s lib on black relationships and the power struggle between black men and women. It’s a great read and I encourage you to check out the entire article (starts on page 160). Sometimes we have to look back before we can move forward and to say that I was alarmed that this article looked like it could have appeared in last month’s Essence is an understatement.

BMWK family, what does it say about us that we haven’t addressed or overcome the same issues that plagued our relationships 30 years ago? What can be done to address this?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I definitely agree with what Mrs. Poussaint had to say in response to her husband’s statement: “I see the problem of black women and black men less as a crisis and more as an ongoing, continuing struggle. I think it is a matter of lack of trust and a matter of vulnerability. Both black women and black men are afraid to get hurt.”

It’s almost biblical how a combination of this statement and that of Dr. Poussaint can still be relevant today, some 30 years later!

Another statement that gave me pause was one made by Dr. Poussaint about the power struggle taking place between black men and women:

“Some black women have told me that they even hold back in showing how smart they are because they feel that it would be too threatening to their relationship to their men.”

Lord, have mercy. I was guilty of that myself at one point in my marriage. I’m so glad that’s no longer an issue, but it IS a REAL issue between men and women today! I showed low self esteem because I was willing to shrink to make someone else feel better. My husband showed pride because he was willing to allow me to do so and at one point encouraged me to do so. When I was in the military, he would say, “You’re not Captain Hairston when you come home. You’re Mrs. Hairston.”

Thankfully we can look back on those days and laugh. We can also look back on that checkered past of our marriage and be willing to build one another up in areas we once tore each other down in. Now we constantly uplift one another and strive to encourage each other to work hard as well as run after our dreams.

This “ongoing, continual struggle” doesn’t have to remain that way. The real crisis to me is in the DIVORCE rates…just think about it: what if my husband and I had signed those papers and not allowed the breakthroughs that we have experienced to ever happen? Starting over and going through the same thing AGAIN is almost inevitable.

The term “it’s cheaper to keep her” is true, not only monetarily, but emotionally as well.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Jeesh! Sorry that was so long. LOL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
MrsT

Wow, the more things change the more they stay the same.
Colette

I love that cover!! Makes me wanna go home and watch Mahogany (oh I think I will!). If our community is still struggling with the same issues, it is a crisis.

To me the relationships have gotten worse. Inside any positive, loving relationship there can be discord but I would consider all relationships – those that aren’t married and platonic friendships. Women are stronger than ever yet continue to allow themselves to be treated negatively by men. Men are allowed to treat women this way so they continue to do so….there’s work to do all around.

Any negative in the black community is a crisis because as a whole there is so much work to do….health , Aids, finances, marriage, education, college graduates, self employed, net worth, home ownership…I could be wrong but name an area where Black folks are not Below average. For this reason anything and everything we can do to begin to close the gaps is imperative. A crisis.

This country is no longer black and white. The new minority majority will be Mexican soon. Whites will be a minority. Indians, Africans, Asians. None of these groups have a good image of us and we don’t have much of a good image of ourselves.

One of our biggest problems is finding fault in ourselves. Admitting there is a problem.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

Sorry folks, I forgot to add that the article starts on page 160
BusyBee

Thank you for this.
Some of our elders always had it right.
Will check this out.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I think Denene posted a quote on her facebook that was profound: “We have become the men we wanted to marry.”

If that doesn’t apply to this so-called “crisis,” I don’t know what does.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
d

I TOTALLY AGREE COLETTE! I’ll even go one step further and say that A LOT of our issues stem from slavery; however, instead of realizing and acknowledging that, we turn a blind eye and ignore it or worst yet use it as an excuse to keep the madness going! Knowledge is power! Once you become knowledgeable, you should exercise the power of change!
Anna

Is our fault that mothers are raising daughters but not requiring the same status for our sons. We tell our daughters to go to school and get a education, but while these young ladies are reaching their goals, the male to female ratio attending college is not equal. I thought my first born was going to have to “dumb down, or marry outside of her race, thank GOD neither is the case. The bigger picture is there are too many mothers who lay down with anything, get pregnant and dissmiss the man out of the childs life. A child needs both parents, I know there are single parents out there who think they are doing it on thier own, but don’t forget the uncle, male cousin or grandpa in the childs life who helped you raise him. Kids don’t ask to be born, but once here they should not be ignored and should be raised “seperate, but equal” to their female siblings.
http://www.marcclarke.org Marc Clarke

I’m amazed at how even though I was raised by a single mother I never bought into the negative issues that I’ve heard discussed over the years about marriage. Now that I’ve been married almost ten years I still don’t.
T. Rogers

@Anna,

Thank you for finally bringing up how we raise our children. A few months back BMWK linked to a post where a woman talked about the danger of letting kids think mothers can do all without a man. It can be particularly devastating for boys. We have to understand that as we struggle to get our relationships right we still bring children into very imperfect, and upside down situations. It is not enough to blow of the severity of circumstances and just say everything will be alright. We are now looking at 30+ years as a community taking that attitude. And it is clear everything ain’t alright.

Our decisions and actions send clear messages to our children. We must be very mindful. One thing I have learned since becoming a parent is I don’t have the freedom to do whatever I want to do romantically. My kids are watching me. Thankfully, I have a wife and we have a healthy marriage. But I always remember I still have to come at her a certain way. My kids are watching and learning and I have to come correct.
http://www.yesucan4women.com Susan – womens self esteem coach

I think it’s vitally important how we raise our children. The mindset and beliefs we have are passed down to our children so it’s our responsibilty to be the best we can
Omar Abed

That’s really very important to have kids because you enjoy dricting them to do that and not to do that.
Kahena

What is says it that we are confused about the system of Racism (White Supremacy) and that until we understand how THAT system works, everything else that we THINK we understand will only serve to confuse us MORE. It says that the white supremacists who own and run the media and the universities that they allow Black females to earn degrees from and the corporations (plantations) that they allow Black females to work at – HAVE REFINED THEIR METHODS for maintaining and expanding the system of Racism (white supremacy)>

It means that the generations from the 60s on after FAILED us in abandoning everything WE had built to go take it to white businesses who used to treat us like dirty toilet tissue ( in some “we shall overcome Kumbaya foolishness!). They DID NOT honestly discuss the white man/woman WITH US..and confront them about the racism (white supremacy) in ALL areas of people activity. Therefore, we are still trying to go back to slavery days and partner up with white males & females as if that will wipe out racism, when in fact it is the NUMBER ONE WAY… along with religion that White Supremacy is maintained and expanded.

We have deluded ourselves into believing that the media that denigrates us and exploits us on a GLOBAL scale and markets us as savages and criminals who only want to steal and have sex, should also be trusted to inform us about each other ( black male vs. black females).. we have had the same NATURAL enemy for MORE THAN a thousand years.. but apparently we can't get over the “love your enemy” disease so the enemy continues to dominate and weaken us.

Do we NOT recognize that we can do NOTHING as a collective as long as the men are against the women and the women against the men? Feminism which comes from the white female who was the white man's sexual toilet, is the INTELLECTUAL equivalent of LESBIANISM and LESBIANISM is the physical and sexual manifestation of FEMINISM. The exclusion and domination of the male. Black females have NEVER been dominated by Black men.. not in the Americas and not in pre-slavery/ colonial Africa.. we were the first women to rule anything anywhere…The only man that has ever ruled over us in the last 500 years and dominated us is the white man.

If we understood that this gender war has been paid for, hosted and supplied with drink, beverage and half time commercials BY OUR ENEMY (WHITE SUPREMACISTS) and drinks and supplies and decorations hosted by the government.. perhaps it would wake us up… perhaps.. I really want that, but unfortunately, the condition and behavior of many of our people makes it hard to hope that it can be turned around.. UNLESS WE BEGIN TO DISCUSS AND UNDERSTAND RACISM (White Supremacy)..

Listen to the C.O.W.S. show on Blogtalkradio(dot)com/victim-of-racism

If Black people in America do NOT wake up and wage counter warfare RIGHT NOW.. you will likely no longer exist in 100 years.. whether through genocidal sex ( so called interracial sex) or through direct/indirect violence at the hands of the White Supremacists and the non-white people who dutifully serve them.