Love Don’t Cost a Thing: How Much Does Money Matter?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 13th, 2010 | 8 comments

cashmoney600

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

Remember that Jennifer Lopez song, Love Don’t Cost A Thing? Back when it was popular, I used to sing along, thinking that I believed the words. As long as there was love, money didn’t matter. Yet recently with so much talk swirling around about unmarried, successful Black women having a hard time finding financial equals in relationships, I had to question whether my “money doesn’t matter” mantra is actually true.

My husband and I are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. The recession didn’t bypass our house. Right now we are operating with a very tight budget. Yet there is still a lifestyle that I have worked for and strive to maintain. A house in a decent neighborhood, a car that I like to drive, and sometimes, just the ability to buy things that I want and not feel bad about it. I know that financial situations can change any minute, but when my husband and I began seriously dating, I knew that these were not only financial goals that we shared, but also that he had positioned himself to be able to meet them.

Does this mean that I wouldn’t have dated him if he were making minimum wage? Maybe. But it would depend not only on him having a dream of getting to a better place financially but a plan of how he was going to get there.

I guess that none of these things really matter right now. I married him “for richer, for poorer” so if he went broke tomorrow and never made another dollar then that’s what it would be. But would I have chosen “poorer” from the beginning? I can honestly say that I’m not quite sure.

BMWK, is it shallow to seek a financial equal in choosing a mate? Would you date a man or woman who made significantly less than you?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She can be reached at aja@ajadorseyjackson.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Beth J.

My husband & I have be married 23 yrs., come Jan. 31. and I can’t remember a time that we really fought about money. My Mother always said ” We don’t have enough money to fuss over” [speaking of herself & my Father]. So, I’ve always tried to keep that same motto. Marriage has enough trials and tribulations in itself, don’t make money one of them. I try to live a stress free marriage, pick your battles and keep the peace.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara @ The Young Mommy Life

I think it all depends on what you’re used to. I was watching a Chris Rock special and he was talking about this same thing. It’s hard for women to go back financially. Meaning, once you date a guy with his own house, it’s hard to date a guy who is “just” living in an apartment with a roommate. LOL.

Money doesn’t matter as much as mindset does. My husband and I were making a combined $20K a year when we got married. Money was tight. Now I’m younger, so I know it’s a little different, but if I was settling down with someone in my 30s, I’d probably make the financial aspect a little higher on my list….Dang it, did I even answer the question? LOL.
.-= Tara @ The Young Mommy Life´s last blog ..Challenge #1 – Buy some new nail polish =-.
http://www.cisterspeak.com Candi

I do believe that the individual mindsets of both parties is important. You have to be realistic and if they are living in meager means but you can see that they are working hard to get to a certain goal or are productive in other ways that bring value into the relationship and household I would say yes. But if it was just for love then I would have to say no.

Money doesn’t bring happiness, but it allows you a certain freedom and ease of stress when you apply conventional wisdom when dealing with financial matters.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..B.O.M. Series: Recognizing the Competition =-.
Nichole

When my husband and I met, we were both not making much money at all. As the years have progressed my income has grown while his has not. I am the bread winner of the family and go to school full time so that I can make more money. We have two children and all of the responsibility is on me. We are both in our 30′s and YES, money does matter. Though I try not to talk about it because he is trying to educate himself so that he can be a better provider, it is very hard to hold my tongue. In a perfect world he would be the bread winner and I would be able to be a better mother to my children by being home more but that is not the case and it bothers me more than I would like it to.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

I don’t think it is shallow to think about finances when choosing a mate. I would not mind it if mate made less money than me. But this person has to have a similar work ethic and has to have some goals that he is working towards.

@Nicole – does the fact that he makes less money bother you….or is it that the responsibility falls on you part bother you. You are working all day, you have the stress of the finances, you are taking care of the kids, the house, school…wow..I would be bothered too if that is the scenario. If that is right, then even if you both made the same amount of money or you made less..all of that should not fall on you.
http://www.twitter.com/prettygrey_eyez MissJay

Money matters but not as much. When my husband and I first started seeing eachother I made more than he did. Now he makes more than I do. When we were dating it really didn’t matter to me what he was making, he treated me with the utmost respect! It still doesn’t matter as much now. I only say that because now we have a household to maintain and his income is not he only one that matters to me when it comes to that. So I guess in the J. Lo sense of the song money doesn’t matter as far as getting my love, but it does matter as far as maintaining our household. I did not dismiss a man for not making as much as me. But if it looked like he wasn’t even trying (I was in a relationship like that-it sucked LOL) then it should be on to the next one.
simplyRed

This is a good topic. Thank you for adressing it. I wish church counseling encouraged people more to look at their financial capatability and goals. I have no idea how important money is. Many women Ive talked to recently said, that if the man was not finacially stable then would not be considered for a long-term relationship. In church women are taught that men are to be protectors and providers so I can see why some women would not date a man that was not financially stable. Other women speak about how in the first year of dating they sit with their significant other and put their financial history on the “table” and make plans to address debt and financial freedom. I think this is a great idea!
After watching the reality show “Till debt do us part”, and being married for 12 years, I can say that money is important. The communication and planning around money is vital to a healthy marriage.
http://www.imsatindoll.com/ Satin

as long as we live in a society that requires capital…money matters.