Is Love a Decision?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 18th, 2010 | 10 comments

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

I don’t really remember making the expressed choice to love my husband. It just kind of happened. Of course, the way I like to tell the story, it was love at first sight. I met him, then I turned to my college roommate and said, “I’m going to marry him.” And two years later I did.

So I’m not sure when the actual decision was made to fall in love and have fun with the man who would become the father of my two kids. It was an emotional move, but it was also rational. He was smart, funny, ambitious, kind, thoughtful – what’s not to love?

But when people divorce, are they choosing not to love? Are they choosing to end their relationship or has it simply ended? Do you choose to stay in love, or are you guided by something larger than you? Fate? Destiny?

When did you “decide” to love your spouse? Is it something you just realized one day, or was it a conscious decision, something that you wanted to come true and so you worked at it? Let us know in the comments!

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.djednice.com Ed

I know I didn’t decide expressly decide to love Denine. One day my heart told me that I was in love… We do however control how we react to those feelings and emotions. If you find yourself falling into or out of love with someone it’s all up to how you act from that point forward…
.-= Ed´s last blog ..Nas – Ya’ll My N… =-.
Da Minister

The funny thing about love is we CHOOSE whether who, what, & where we are going to love. One day as many of our love lives begins that we cross paths with that special someone and with more and more interactions the “lovee” grows upon the “lover,” which should lead to the end of the story which is Happily Ever After. But there are some special cases where we stop allowing ourselves to be grown upon by the special someone and/or to grow upon that special someone. Somehow we start growing upon and allowing other things to grow upon each other. Whether it be other people, other places, other things the problem lies within and our choice to love. We in the United States have went through some huge economic changes which led to jobs being lost and homes being foreclosed. Have/Can we still have a meaningful marriage living in a cardboard box? Sharing a can of Vienna sausages? Catching the Bus? I have counsel people about love in which once the mansion, T-bone steak, & BMW was gone the couple “fell” out lot of love with one another. How? Falling out of love is a violation of the marriage vows that was agreed upon in front of God and people. We need to learn to love each other no matter what the outcome of life may be and then maybe then love can be by CHOICE and not by FORCE!
http://girlsbestfriendandco.wordpress.com/ TheFashionistaChic

Love this post, I had a similar experience. I had been dating my husband for a few weeks when you gave me massage. I looked back at him saying to myself. yep this is going to be my husband.
Cheryl

I met my husband on a plane to Belgium when we were 19. It was not love at first sight, but as we got to know each other, I began to think that “I could fall in love with a guy like him”. It was not a conscious decision, but it appeared to happen without my consent (I was not looking to “fall” for anyone at the time). 20 years later, we are still on the road together (Argentina here we come!) and we work to keep it as interesting as it was then.
http://www.adrienneslittleworld.typepad.com Adrienne

I met my husband when I was 15. My parents told me I was too young to know what love is but when you know you just know. I’m 32 now and February 1st we will celebrate 13 years of marriage
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions. What would YOU do lol. =-.
Jonesi

Falling in love is very emotional, and for me, getting married was even more taxing. I mean I really shut down! I was overwhelmed by all of the expectations we tend to form once we involuntarily give our hearts to some one. The sacriest thing about love is not being loved in return to the same magnitude I think. The fear that some one could walk away with a piece of you at any moment.

Divorce has to be a hard blow…but I do also wonder, in terms of divorcees, do they ever really stop loving their ex’s? You may be able to physically move on for whatever reason, but love is so permanent to me. I think I’ve loved two other men besides my husbands (or I guess had strong feelings for them), but while those instances never really materialzed into anything productive, I still can not shake the imprint left on my soul when I think of them. It’s positive and genuine energy that, no I don’t have any desire to be with them nor do I reflect on those encounters, but their shortlived presence has always remained in my heart. Love is fate and destiny – even if that person’s presence isn’t.
Tiffany B

I don’t really think you can fall out love per se, but I do think there can come a point where your love is stagnant. I feel maybe the love between a husband and wife can become stagnant, but not gone! Couples can work on trying to get it “active” again, but I think with the onset of so many real-life problems, that eat away at your relationship (i.e., you lose your job, you were on the verge of buying your dream house which fell through, you did ivf but had a miscarriage), how do you keep feeling and giving love when theres so much disappointment?

Life may not have been easier single, but you certainly didn’t expect to have to live worse (or have less, or do less) because you did get married.

How to keep fighting and not give up, yaknow?
Guest

It was a conscious decision and 6 years later, we are happier than ever!
Guest 2

The act of falling in love itself might not be a decision; we are emotionally drawn and physically attracted to a person, and there are all these hormones that feed into these emotions. This may last a long or short time and our emotional connectedness has its peaks and valleys throughout a marriage. We get married based on our feelings, how compatible we are, the qualities that we find desirable and admirable in the other person.

The decision part of it comes along on the days when we wake up next to our significant other and do not necessarily feel all the “sweetheart” emotions. We decide to stay in love, or rather just to love through the hard times, trusting that we will get through them even if we are hurting or angry at that moment. We choose to be in love when we hold strong to the commitments we made to stay faithful and loving to the other person regardless of what life might try to through at us.

In this respect love is a choice because some days it takes real “work” to be a good wife or husband.

Jehovah Jireh777

Yes. This goes along with the saying love is a action word. In most cases you decide whether or not to take action on anything that has meaning to you. So if you choose to love, you choose to act upon that love and those actions should line up with that love.

Is Love a Decision?

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