DEAR BMWK: I Fell In Love With My Husband’s Representative

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on January 22nd, 2010 | 16 comments

bmwknewlogo

It’s been a while since we’ve done a Dear BMWK feature and we’re backed up on a few so next week look for them to start rolling out. Here’s the first one…

DEAR BMWK,

What do you do when you want to have the divorce is not an option belief, but the person you married has completely changed. My pastor likes to comment that when you are dating you meet someone’s representative not the real person, so I made it a point to strive hard to be myself when I was dating my husband. I was a 30-something, never married professional woman and I wanted to find a mate. However, it doesn’t seem as if my husband felt the same way. Over the past 9 months I feel like I am dealing with a different person. Now I can extol some positives about this new man but right now I feel that the negative seem to be such a contrast to the man I envisioned raising our family together. ( I had a son and he had a son). We are expecting a new boy in the summer and I don’t want to be a single mother again. I keep praying but there are times when I think girl you can do it on your own. So how do you have that newlywed bliss with the real person (that you are not so sure you like), when you fell in love with the representative (and still miss him)?

HER VIEW:

Has your mate really changed significantly or are the things that you were willing to overlook while you were dating now starting to bother you? He might be also be thinking that you have changed too after marriage. (For instance, he might say she was always so happy while we are dating and now she is always mad at me.) My suggestion would be to talk to your mate about the “changes” that you are noticing and how they are affecting you.

It is not uncommon for the “newlywed” bliss to fade. And in your case where you have a blended family and you became pregnant with another child, the “new” love has worn off quickly and the reality of everyday life has stepped in. But this does not mean that you can’t be happy or that you can’t have wedded bliss in your marriage. You just have to work at it and you need to communicate with each other. If you did not do this before you got married, then it is never too late to have conversations about finances, child rearing, household responsibilities, religion…etc. This will allow you to identify any differences that you might have and then work on finding a common ground.

Finally, I would say keep a positive attitude. Remember all of the qualities that made you fall in love with your husband and build on the positive things that you mention in letter.

HIS VIEW:

Ronnie did a good job of telling you a bunch of the same things I was going to say. He may think you changed as well. This is also why pre-marriage communication is so very important so you can get to the core of who that person is. Express how you feel to him. I didn’t see in your email where you said you’ve already done this or what his response was. Also seek counseling, seek counseling, seek counseling! I can’t say this enough. I don’t know why Black Folks just won’t do it. You definitely have to pray for your marriage but you also need to learn some tools and techniques to keep it running and productive. Example… your car needs an oil change every 3-5 thousand miles. Do you pray that your car will keep running or do you take that bad boy into the shop on a regular basis to get a lube and tune up? Cover your marriage with prayer but the two of you have got to do your part too. Lastly let me just say that the “girl you can do it on your own” mentality won’t help your marriage, won’t help your husband to change and stands in direct contrast with “divorce is not an option”. Basically you’re going to believe in one or the other and whichever you choose will have a direct impact on your marriage and your family.

BMWK fam, what do you think about this email? Weigh in with your opinions and help this reader out.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I don’t even know why y’all open it up to comments because between your two responses, I think you’ve said it all.

I agree with what Ronnie said – I doubt he has really changed that much. It’s just as time moves on, the things that were insignificant before, seem to be magnified times 10 because all of a sudden this is it. This is your life. The rest of your life and you find yourself wondering if you can tolerate certain behaviors for the next 30, 40 years.

Seek counseling. Please. If you can get your husband to come, great. If not, go by yourself. It will help you figure out how to address these changes without succumbing to the “Maybe I’d be better off by myself” mindframe. Good luck!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Challenge #8 – Clean out your purse =-.
michele

I really needed this email….I thought I was the only one going through THE SAME THING right now.

Me and my husband have been married for a while now, but things have changed dramatically between us over the past few months. I have tried talking to him about how I’m feeling, but we usually end up disagreeing about it, and nothing ever gets solved. To complicate matters even more, I have discovered that he’s been talking to and texting other women behind my back….masking it as “friendships only.” I have vehemently expressed my dislikes/concerns about this with him and his response to me was not worth repeating. I am at the point now where I am considering divorce. Not because I don’t love him anymore, not because I don’t want to try to work it out anymore, but because I feel like he treats me as though I’m insignificant all of a sudden. He gets an attitude and becomes extremely defensive when I ask him a question about pretty much anything. I don’t know what to make of it anymore and I’m just looking for some answers. He’s always going on about how we don’t communicate with each other, but how am I supposed to communicate with someone who’s always so short ended with me, and says things in a condescending manner?
Jonesi

I agree with what Ronnie, Lamar AND Tara had to say! (Great insights). I would like to vouch for couples counseling. I went through pre-marital counseling through my church with one of our female pastors, and I am SOOOO grateful for the experience and the postive effects it had on our relationship. It gave us a safe, productive forum to express ourselves freely and we also gained a trusted advocate who will not only be there to always support our marriage, but a voice of reason should times ever get rough. We shared really personal things in our sessions and learned alot about one another – it set a platforn for us to reach a new level of honesty.

Please don’t be discouraged and genuinely pray over your marriage. I’m a newly wed and yes, at first I had this feeling like, “Omg, this is so permanent” lol…but the both of you came together for a reason, so it’s time to pull up your sleeves and get to the bottom of this phase…yes PHASE, because good times will surely roll around again
T. Rogers

@Michelle,

What kind of timeline are you dealing with? Are you talking about being married for five years and things going south in the last six months? If that is the case you can probably pinpoint some things that have happened recently that have caused a change.

One thing that affects relationships heavily is expectations. Relationships can change dramatically based on shifting expectations. Could this be the case? Have you been demanding more from him emotionally than you used to? Maybe he is experiencing some things mentally and emotionally and thinks you should be picking up on it. If you think he is shutting you out there has to be a very real reason for it. You need to talk to a professional and get some help. Hopefully, you two can work things out. Don’t give up!
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

@Michelle,

I agree with T. Rogers don’t give up and get some help! At least your husband has noticed that you all are having a communication break down. That’s a good starting point and a good reason why you both should find a professional to talk to (not other women or men) ..that will help you deal with your problems.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Everyone had valuable insight. I just wanted to reiterate that counseling is definitely a plus. I pray that your marriage work out (both for you and Michelle).
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Waiting to Exhale =-.
Cynthia

Great answers guys. Ronnie and Lamar, excellent response to this question.

@ Michelle, sometimes there are so many things in play that triggers certain responses and behaviors. In most situations, people are just trying to get a need met but sometimes we can’t see the needs of our spouse when there is so much emotional debris floating around. Please, please consider counseling to help you get guys get to the root of what is or is not going on between the two of you. Marriage is meant to be a lifetime partnership of meeting each other’s needs. Don’t give up, do some homework and find a professional marriage counselor that you are comfortable with. Keep in mind that most things that we go through are temporary and can be a stepping stone to growth spiritually and emotionally.

Sorry, guys, I am trying to shorten my comments.
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com sharon

Therapy might be necessary. You might also gain from reading a variety of books and talking through together your reflections and perspectives. I’ve put together “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) which is an easy read and a place to start for some inspiration and motivation to make your marriage the best it can be — give it a try, and stop by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage
michele

@ T. Rogers, me and my husband have been married for 12 years, but we’ve been together for 15 years. He just turned 40, and I know his outlook/expectations about life are more different than what they used to be. I can understand that and how he feels even though he doesn’t think that I do. I’m not pointing the finger solely at him, I’m to blame as well for our communication break down, but I would rather talk to him (not at him), and certainly not to outside sources other than a professional. They don’t know what we’ve been through and aren’t qualified to offer advice, opinions, or otherwise. I can’t give up! We’ve got too much to fight for…not just for each other, but for our children as well.

@ Ronnie THANK YOU! First of all let me clarify that I don’t have a problem with my husband having female friends…I have a problem with his attitude about having them. These women are not people that I know, nor have I ever heard their names mentioned before now, so of course I’m going to inquire about the nature of their “friendships.” I don’t think it’s wrong to ask questions. If it’s strictly platonic–as he has stated–then it shouldn’t be an issue, but when he gets defensive and agitated because I have asked questions, that only leads me to believe that there’s something else going on that simply shouldn’t be.

@ Cynthia This too shall pass….it’s the getting through it part that’s hard. I married my husband with every intention of honoring “for better or for worse” and every other vow I spoke to him on our wedding day. I knew every day wasn’t always going to be a bed of roses, and it hasn’t been. There have been some thorns that have come up and we’ve dealt with them accordingly. I don’t know what has happened to cause all of that to change.

I believe it is time we look into some counseling.

Thank you all for your responses.
Dee

Re-stating what has been stated here as a theme, counseling is absolutely necessary to get to the reasons why things are the way they are, and just as importantly developing ways to communicate in a marriage. Oh and when I say counseling I mean a licensed therapist. I noticed that people tend to confuse spiritual counseling with secular counseling, and while the two can intersect they truly are two seperate entities.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000519368789 Virtuous Simmons

I can relate to this story. Never been married, Mid 30′s and a professional with one child. He had one child. ( I almost thought I wrote the article). However, there were signs prior to marriage that I OVERLOOKED…or just ignored. Now I’m divorced, after being married for 10mos and sperated for 7. Ladies, or Gentleman, if you have a gut feeling…don’t discount it. Its the truth..listen to it.
CeCe

After years of getting it wrong I think I’ve discovered a fool proof way of knowing what “real life” would be like with a individual you’re thinking of marrying. It’s simple——look at the orientation family! The people who influenced his values and beliefs. The people who acted as role models (good or bad) and who helped mold his self image! If Daddy behaves a certain way he will more likely behave in a similar way. If Mom had no voice in the relationship, your future husband will probably display a similar attitude about you are to be in the relationship. It’s the orientation family that will give you a peek into how he will act in difficult situations, problem solving situations and commitnent situations! If you do this the “representative” won’t be able to fool you regarding what you’re about to buy!
CeCe

After years of getting it wrong I think I’ve discovered a fool proof way of knowing what “real life” would be like with a individual you’re thinking of marrying. It’s simple——look at the orientation family! The people who influenced his values and beliefs. The people who acted as role models (good or bad) and who helped mold his self image! If Daddy behaves a certain way he will more likely behave in a similar way. If Mom had no voice in the relationship, your future husband will probably display a similar attitude about you are to be in the relationship. It’s the orientation family that will give you a peek into how he will act in difficult situations, problem solving situations and commitnent situations! If you do this the “representative” won’t be able to fool you regarding what you’re about to buy!
Chelly

This reminded me of one of the articles they posted last week. One of the top five reasons for “happily married” couples to divorce was that he was dishonest about who he was & what he wanted out of life. So, it’s quite possible that the husband changed after they married. He did/said everything he could to get her to marry him. Now he has what he wants…who cares!
Nekiciab

I married the same personality…I was married to my husband in April, He is a minister, chef by trade and a loving supportive man..Until July, he became a bitter, hateful, insecure and jelous man. I am a professional with one daughter and he had a daughter. The girls were great, his daughter snapped on me and I became a stuck up, selfish, and everything un christian that i could be. I was everything but a child of God. He later told me that I only thought of myself, I treated him less of a man since I had degrees and money and he wanted a divorce. I files after 3 months of marriage and found out the next day I was expecting. I am now 3 months and he is still not talking to me and doesn’t care about the baby… God is still good and will always be good, but the man I dated was representing someone whom he wasn’t…So ladies, be very careful and if if walks likea duck, talk like a duck and quacks like a duck….He is a duck…leave him in the pond…
Sal

It took almost seven years for me to see the man my husband really was. We were married very young, and I already had a child. He seemed like a God send – loving and willing to take care of me and my son. Well, the saying is you find out who a person really is when things are bad – and boy did I find out. Money got tight, things got stressful, and he walked out on me and our now three kids. Had to sell the house, kids had to change schools because of moving, etc. He did try to come back at one point – but for all the wrong reasons, so I said no. I had seen the core of who he was. Looking back, there were definitely red flags that I ignored – but if I ever find the nerve to get married again – that man is going to have the FBI checking him out!