Bend, Don’t Break! Building A Stronger Marriage In 2010

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 4th, 2010 | 6 comments

benddontbreak

by Harriet Hairston

In your marriage, do you have a breaking point? Excluding abuse and/or child endangerment, how much are you willing to take, and how much pressure can you withstand in order to maintain your vows and commitment to your spouse? These are serious questions not for the faint at heart. They help build up the mandatory flexibility to bend without breaking. That’s what keeps a marriage strong.

In a marriage, it’s pretty much a guarantee that mistakes will be made. Some will have lasting effects, and others could potentially be deal breakers (adultery and having a baby on the side immediately come to mind). There is also the unfortunate possibility of sickness threatening the lives of spouses or tragic accidents that leave permanent scars and wounds.

Not to mention the brave men and women at war who may inevitably leave pieces of their mind in the war zone, or even worse, bring pieces of the war zone back home with them. Spouses may have to bury the children they raised, bankruptcy may ravage financial security…”happily ever after” does not come with crystal stairs. It comes with perseverance, trust, commitment, and a constant resolve to bend in humility so the marriage won’t break down because of selfishness, pride or the inability to deal with guaranteed challenges that are to come.

As we step into the new year, take some time with your spouse or fiance to discuss these difficult issues. In order for our marriages to last, they must be built on a solid foundation, so when the storms and wind come, we don’t crumble our lives and the lives of our children because of inflexible thinking.

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (6)

Whyte23 Monday - 04 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Happy New YEAR 2010 to All.... Ms. Harriet, Excellent Points.....perseverance, trust, commitment, and a constant resolve to bend in humility so the marriage won’t break down because of selfishness, pride or the inability to deal with guaranteed challenges that are to come. I love it... 1. Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited. 2. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying (my brothers are not with me when I tell them that). 3. I once heard Ruth Bell Graham say...A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. 4. The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can.....then I look in the mirror "Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can"! 5. My Queen (wife) & I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.... I recommend you hold both of her hands it's cheaper that way. lol Think Positive This YEAR...together! Even when things come at you as individuals and towards the family as a whole (love and commitment are rocks. don't let the running waters move your marriage rock). Last one 6. “The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” Thank you for reading, Whyte 23 .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Common sense isn't common.... =-.
Edward Monday - 04 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Great insight, it is really hard to imagine what things will transpire throughout the course of a marriage. A few years ago in our church there was a spate of people diagnosed with illnesses that left their spouse confined to a wheelchair or incapacitated in some way. It has been quite an experience to watch and learn from these couples, particularly the husbands, how they lift, push, and nurture their mate without any possibility of "physical" or emotional reciprocation. I often ask myself how I would respond in a similar situation if I only gave and could received nothing back. Adds credence to "Let God pick your mate". Thanks for pointing us to think about these things now, before "the heat of the moment" is upon us.
Colette Tuesday - 05 / 01 / 2010 Reply

This one is easy: infidelity. We've been through most everything else - our kids are getting older and I do wonder how we will do with managing teenagers. I have a feeling that will be our next hurdle. Neither one of us will stay if there is infidelity. Other than that handicap, illness, death, financial..we will work through together. @Edward, good points ( :
Jonesi Tuesday - 05 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I never want to think of my marriage ever dissolving, but honestly, I think a fair breaking point is when I start to lose who I am. While I am committed to working through anything, I'm not willing to erode internally for anyone. I've seen so many women just emotionally wither away as the result of such unloving relationships, and as long as my husband still ACTIVELY loves me, I will remain by his side. But, the pain of living a lie I just couldn't see myself staying in a marriage where the love has faded....what that looks like? I really don't know...but I've seen women who chose their unions over their well-beings and I'm not quite sure which is the more honorable decision.... But, when God is the foundation, I do in my heart believe all things can and will work themselves out. I have a plaque someone gave us for a wedding gift and it's hanging in our bathroom above our sink. So when I wake up in the morning to brush my teeth, do hair, whatever...I glance at these words: A Marriage Prayer - Lord, help us to remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us. Help us love in practical ways so that nothing can divide us. May our words be kind and our thoughts gracious. May we remain humble to ask for forgiveness and wise enough to freely forgive. (This came from the family christian store) We have other wall hangings around the house with positive marital affirmations. Do what ever you have to do to keep focus on what's most important - the love and commitment that created such an amazing union before God! :-)
Harriet Tuesday - 05 / 01 / 2010 Reply

@ Whyte23, Thank you! I really like #s 1 and 3 on your list. A lot of spouses feel limited by their marriage because of the transition they went through from being on their own to discussing a great majority of their decisions with anothe person (at least that was my experience). It's important to know the difference between being limited and actually understanding the safety that lies within healthy boundaries set up in a marriage. Sometimes there is a thin line. Forgiveness is absolutely imperative! It's not a license to continue in stupidity, but it helps push a couple out of the rut of the past. @ Jonesi, That's a tough one. My marriage has gone through cold seasons where I didn't FEEL loved at all. Although I knew my husband loved me, the lines of communication were so full of static that we couldn't see beyond the hurt we caused one another. If I didn't press through those seasons, I wouldn't be here today talking about how sweet and beautiful marriage can be. It's those seasons that made me more appreciative of the loving environment I now live in. .-= Harriet´s last blog ..In Transition =-.
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