Do You Have An Account On The Side?

Relationships

by Ronnie Tyler | on January 12th, 2010 | 14 comments

money600

by Ronnie Tyler

This is a piece of advice that I hear a lot: “Girl when you get married, make sure you have an account on the side to have in case things don’t work out. It’s the smart thing to do….protect yourself.” Recently I had dinner with a wonderful group of women, some were married and most were single, but I heard several people at the table agree that yes you should have that account on the side just in case.

I don’t agree with having an account on the side for the purposes of saving in case we get a divorce. We have a joint account and we have separate accounts. The joint account is for bills and the separate accounts are so that we can make our purchases. You have to be very disciplined when two people are withdrawing from one account for day to day purchases. You can easily over draw an account if you are not communicating. Even though we have separate accounts, all of the money is for OUR family, for OUR savings..for OUR future. We don’t make major purchases without consulting with each other first.

We also have separate 401K accounts and some separate investments. But we monitor those accounts together and make decisions on how to invest together. ….because our plan is to be using that money together when we retire…sitting on the beach….sipping on fruity drinks…and enjoying each others company !!!

How does this account on the side work? Do you and your husband come to an agreement regarding the amount of money you can put on the side for yourself? Or do you keep it a secret from your husband and slip a few bucks into the account from time to time? But I thought secrets weren’t good for a marriage??? Also if you do breakup, can’t your husband ask for half of the money in that account? I am not a divorce lawyer, but I am wondering if this side account will be considered community property.

So I am OK with having separate accounts and a joint account…but I am not OK with having an account on the side just in case things don’t work out. If I am going to spend my energy planning for something, then it should be making sure that we have proper investments for retirement, we have wills, we have life insurance, we have college funds, etc.

BMWK Family – I am 100% positive that my marriage is going to work and if I am putting money into a “side” account, does that mean that I have some doubts?? Or do you think that given the high divorce rates, having a “side” account is a smart thing to do? What about separate accounts…should married couples have joint or separate checking accounts? What works for you?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their latest documentary Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (14)

Alonzo@MochaMoney.com Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Ronnie, I have to agree with you whole-heartedly. I feel the same way about secret accounts on the side as I do about pre-nups. They both set up the a deep subconscious "escape clause" mentality that says deep down this marriage is may not work. I feel that when you enter a marriage you have to be committed 100% to make it work no matter what. There should absolutely be no room for "just in case" Just my humble opinion .-= Alonzo@MochaMoney.com´s last blog ..Tired of Corporate Taxpayer Bailouts? Fight Back – Fire Your Bank =-.
Edward Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I agree wholeheartedly with the perils of "side accounts". I have read and heard that "financial infidelity" is more emotionally damaging than "sexual infidelity". But-- I stand conflicted - as a father and head of my house I put aside $30 a week for my son's college fund. My wife does not think we are in position right now to save for college. But I feel it is my responsibility to get this started and then increase it in the future instead of waiting until a brighter day to get started. And thus far I have felt no guilt about it. So I guess my question is, is there a "just cause" for a side account?
Ronnie Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

@Alonzo - you make a good point regarding prenups. But what if you have already established your wealth (millions) and this is your second marriage....would you feel the same about not having prenup? Unfortunately since I did not have those millions when Lamar and I met, we did not have to make that decision....but if I had the money already..would I feel differently about a prenup? @Edward - on the surface, what you are doing with the college fund for your child sounds like a great idea to me, especially if you are doing this and are not impacting the finances (i.e - the lights are getting turned off right now..type of thing.) Sometimes people don't think that they have extra money for savings..until they start saving and realize that they could have been doing it all along. But perhaps after doing it for a while you could then explain to your wife about what you are doing and about how you are making it work. My only concern is that even though this side account is for a good cause, what if your wife feels just as passionately about investing in retirement or tithing or some life insurance ( I really don't know your business..so I am throwing out these examples which may not apply to you.) She might be upset you made this decision without considering her views on the subject. .-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Are You a Good Friend? =-.
Tim Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I don’t think it is appropriate to have separate “secret” accounts. Doing so is dishonest and dishonesty has no place in a marriage that you want to thrive. To have agreed upon separate accounts would be okay to me. @ Alonzo - You made good points but I think there are circumstances when Pre-nups are warranted (IMO) and do not convey a deep subconscious distrust in the viability of the marriage. When a person has significant assets acquired prior to the marriage, they should be entitled to those assets if a divorce occurs. Remember, it only takes one person to make a divorce happen – even over the objections of the other spouse. This is especially the case when children that are not the biological children of their spouse are involved. This can happen because the parents were never married; the parents divorced or a person is a widow/widower. While those assets are typically considered separate property and not subject to division upon divorce, there are circumstances when separate assets can be converted into marital property such that the other spouse in entitled to a portion of them. For example, if a person brings stock to the marriage and the stock increased in value during the marriage, most courts would view the increase in value as a marital assets subject to division. This topic hits home with me as my mom passed away a few years ago and my 80 year old dad has contemplated remarrying. I don’t care what he does with his assets but he shouldn’t lose what he spent his life building if a second marriage doesn’t last (he and my mom were married 42 years upon her death). Also, I am dating a widow with a small child who has significant assets as a result of her late husband’s death. I too have a small child from my marriage. If we get to the point of seriously considering marriage, it would be perfectly fine with me to have a pre-nup to ensure that our separate assets remain separate and available for our respective children in the event we divorce. Just my $.02
Cynthia Dismuke Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Ronnie, Great post!! I absolutely agree with you. When we married nearly 20 years ago, my aunt pulled me aside and told me to make sure I put some money away for a rainy day and don't tell him about it. I told my mother what she said and my mother's reply was "and it will be the beginning of the end of your marriage.” Financial infidelity is a very serious offense that it implies there is a lack of trust and the ability to be deceptive. We have joint accounts and separate accounts but we both have access to the balances of all accounts. We pay bills out of the joint account and agree on the amounts to be deposited in the other accounts.( personal expenses , savings and emergency fund) Once money has been deposited into my personal account, it is mine to spend as I wish. We have made a rule to always discuss or to at least make mention of purchases over $100.00. Large purchases, such as a car, are an automatic discussion and we must be in agreement on the terms of the transaction. The moment you start with “his money”, “my money”, and hiding money you are headed for trouble. It really comes down to trust, mutual respect and working together as a team .
MissJay Tuesday - 12 / 01 / 2010 Reply

We have seperate accounts and also a joint account. I had my account before we got together and he established his own before we got married. Then we opened an account together. My paycheck goes into my account and his goes into his own account. We deposit money in the joint account from time to time as it's a savings and not checking. I would never open a secret account, I agree that it would certainly make the marriage rocky.
Candi Wednesday - 13 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I'm really happy about this post because it means my fiance and I are going to start our marriage off on right foot. We have a joint checking account for bills, joint savings and individual checking accounts for our own personal spending. However, we both openly discuss all our finances and check accounts together. When our checks come in they come into our personal accounts and we both transfer money to the bills and savings accounts first, then we give ourselves some cash. Although our own cash is ours to spend like Cynthia, we both discuss purchases over $100 before we make them.
Precious Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I agree and isagree at the same time. I believe that keeping a secret account is showing some type of distrust in the relationship but at the same time it is a good thing if a situation comes up and you have the extra money because you put a little on the side. But it is what works for that relationship.
OHnVI Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I don't' think it's a problem for married couples to have joint and separate accounts. My husband and I have a joint account, which is our primary account and separate accounts that we use to purchase birthday, christmas gifts, and etc. I don't think I have doubts on the future of my marriage because we have separate accounts, since it was a joint decision. It just provides that flexibility to splurge when desired without taking away from my family. I don't think your spouse needs to know the exact amount in your personal account, but I don't think your personal account should be a secret either. I believe the key to tackling this issue like any other in a marriage is communication.
Lorenzo Bradley Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I believe its the spirit you have while making the decision or in short you true intention. I honestly believe that my wife can sense what I truly want at times. That said, when I FIRST wanted separate accounts it was to do what I wanted to do. She gave a good argument and God spoke through her. I gave that up. After years of marriage change in me came about and I still wanted another account but for a new purpose...many of which was stated by OHnVI. Splurge without checking in, gifts without her seeing where and what I purchased (takes the surprise out of it), special occasions, or maybe a weekend get away for us. Whatever the reason, it is honorable. The mistake I made? Because I didn't talk to her about it first. Reason I already knew how she would react to it. When she found out I was fortunate because she didn't completely go off on me, I explained all the reasons and why I didn't. She took a moment but came to understand. She can now access the account to see what's what ONLINE but that is about it, no cards or check books. We haven't spoke on it, but I believe that she will set her own account up at the same separate bank for her rainy days and I look forward to it.
- Creatin' In Cali Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply
  
  See below...
Mississippi_curl Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I agree with the author - having a separate account is alright as long as the other spouse knows it exists. Keeping tabs on the exact amount that it contains is certainly not necessary, either. My husband and I operate a little differently - we have separate accounts, and each of us is responsible for taking care of certain household expenses. We have adjusted those responsibilities as our income levels and spending needs have changed over the years, but we talk about everything. I am not the world's greatest expert on car insurance, which he handles mostly, but I know who my carrier is and the general provisions of the policy. And likewise, he may be confused on major med details, but in the event of an emergency he knows what he needs to do. Neither of us is in the dark about any major aspect of our financial lives. Because we manage our own individual accounts, and use discretionary income as we see fit, it works for us because we have the same value system for money. We're pretty conservative...if you have a big spender and a big saver, I believe finding a system that is fair AND responsible to both parties is so important. Money s definitely a subject where people must admit their flaws and build upon strengths.
Creatin' In Cali Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply

Wow Lorenzo, sounds like you may be planning for more than a rainy day... sounds like rainy separation then divorce... Why pay triple the fees to a bank/credit union only to communicate the truth? A lot can be said without saying anything at all... it's called a Lie of Omission. My Big Momma told me, "Chile, keep a separate account, for yourself. One he don't have to know about." Now don't get me wrong. Most of the advice she gave was on point, but I believe secrecy is like living on a mountain you didn't know was a volcano... eventually it will erupt because of its natural reason for existence. Mind you, Big Momma was married and divorced 3 times... All I'm saying is you get what you plan for... I've got one husband, one account, and one bank card. If I can't tell my Dear Honey I need some money to bring a smile to his face maybe I should have more than one husband... IJS
Muffin77d Tuesday - 11 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I believed in a joint account and seperate accounts until I found out that hubby no longer carried his seperate account and was getting too comfortable with the joint. I pulled out and have stayed out ever since. He said it was his money and he didn't have to tell me he was using it. FYI. the joint account is still open and he uses it as his account. I have nothing to do with it and have asked for my name to be removed but he won"t agree to it.