Getting Beyond “Church As Usual”
by Harriet Hairston
I’ve written an article that talked about imbalance in church activity, and one that talked about abuse of church leadership in the past week. Today’s article will get down to the nitty gritty. How can we get beyond our own imbalance and the hurt inflicted upon us by those who abuse their spiritual authority?
We must first deal with whatever is within us that would allow us to create such an imbalance for ourselves:
- What is the motivation behind you saying “YES” to every task assigned to you at church? If it is to glorify God, then great! If it is to impress someone else or to avoid conflict because you are afraid of the authority asking you to do the activity, then take a deeper look. Sometimes it’s a thin line, but it’s a line that must be examined.
- Do you have low self esteem? Do you feel like in order to be accepted you have to do something for someone else? These are issues that may be etched within your personality, but they must be dealt with. Otherwise you will find yourself falling victim to tainted tactics, not only in church, but at home, and life in general.
- Ask yourself if you’re doing what you’re doing for Christ. Only what you do for Him will last. Ensure your activity is not for you to get accolades and praise from other people. Just like Jesus, you will find yourself being torn down and crucified by the same people who were singing your praises before.
- If you have already suffered at the hands of abusive spiritual leadership, learn how to chew the meat and spit the bones out. Thank God for all the things you learned from leadership, and forgive the things that hurt you. If need be, get counseling to assist you in that forgiveness process.
As far as tainted tactics are concerned, here are some warning signs to look for in church leadership:
- Watch out for pastors who surround themselves with henchmen that have no compassion for the people of God. Those in the inner circle are a reflection of what is within a pastor.
- When you go to a leader with a genuine concern (none of that drama or foolishness, but a serious issue), and they want to sweep the issue under the carpet. That’s something that cannot be ignored.
- If you see your leader disrespecting his/her spouse more and more often.
From a leader’s perspective, use some of these tools to help you maintain God’s trust in your authority:
- Do a personal inventory on the basics: prayer, fasting, love life, giving, studying the Word of God, etc. If you need more time in any of the above, carve out the time! You’re on the front lines! Don’t go into battle naked! You may not survive!
- Pull out before the burnout. If you find yourself REACTING to things as opposed to responding in a Christ like manner, take some time off. Go on a vacation, no matter how inconvenient it may seem at the time.
- Always, always, always have someone that you hold yourself accountable to (not just your spouse, but another spiritual leader).
- If you have to ask this question a thousand times in a day, ask it: is THIS action reflecting the love of Christ? If so, am I doing it for Him, or doing it to get praise from someone else?
As much as you would like to, make a commitment to refuse to bad mouth the leader in question should you ever encounter such issues. All that does is add fuel to the fire. Giving a factual account of what happened is fine, but a line is crossed when you begin to question God for putting them in leadership. That’s between THEM and GOD, and it has nothing to do with YOU.
Understand that just because a leader may be unfaithful, that does not mean that God is unfaithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Someone may misrepresent Him, but He is neither threatened nor stopped by that. He won’t override a man’s will, but He will hold a man accountable for every action. Although one church may not be healthy for you, that doesn’t mean that ALL churches are inherently evil or manipulative. I can guarantee you that ALL churches are imperfect, and each of its individual members must approach God for themselves. Plant yourself again! Don’t be afraid to worship Him within another body of believers!
Above all else, PRAY! It’s important to realize that those in church leadership bleed the same red blood that others do. They are prone to mistakes. Even deeper than that, they are prone to sin. Pride is what may lead them to mistreat others, but pride is also what may lead you to judge them too harshly. Pray for them to see God’s will more clearly, and pray for yourself to prevent bitterness from settling into your emotions when it comes to the Body of Christ.
There is hope and healing after church hurt. It not only gives us more wisdom, but hopefully, it will push us towards treating other people with the same love, respect and compassion the Lord treats us with on a daily basis. No more of this “church as usual” stuff. It marginalizes and dilutes the message of Christ. If we are going to be effective in spreading the Gospel, then we must be effective in treating others they way we expect to be treated ourselves.
BMWK, what other tools would you suggest a Christian (whether leader or lay person) employ to ensure they don’t become victims and/or perpetrators of “church hurt?”
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. She joyously writes for the site Black and Married with Kids and her own blog entitled “Can She SAY That?!?“ There is one more permanent label she holds: ”author.” Her first book, “Who Are You?” discusses how to introduce yourself to your identity in Jesus Christ. It will be available through Amazon.com in early March 2010.
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