What’s the Point? (Of Getting Married, That Is)

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 15th, 2010 | 15 comments

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by Harriet Hairston

Why do people get married? I can go all super spiritual and say that I got married for God to be further glorified in my life…blah, blah, blah. Although I would be telling the truth, I’m sure that my reasons are not the ONLY reasons out there. Truth be told, everybody doesn’t want to hear it! Some people get married because they don’t want to be alone, others want the prestige of having a permanent fixture on their arm, and yet others just want to get a green card so they can stay in the United States. Real talk.

Yet if LOVE is not somewhere in the equation of two nervous “I do’s,” then what is the point of getting married?

I work around a whole bunch of college students, none of which are the “traditional” students we all hear about. Some are single parents, others are serial monogamists. And yet others got married at 19 or 20 years old. When you’re around a conglomeration like this on a daily basis, you’re bound to hear some hilarious stories.

There’s the married couple who can’t get enough sex, so they’re all right with “stepping out” on occasion. So when one catches the other in the act, that’s OK with them, as long as they are not “cuddling” in the afterglow with the other person. In their minds, if that happens, then it was about more than just sex, and will eventually cause WWIII in their house.

Lord, have mercy. What kind of wisdom can a person impart into that kind of warped thinking?

There’s the on again-off again-now on again engaged couple who have seen so many relationships and marriages fail that they don’t want to run the risk of becoming a statistic. So they would rather keep their relationship in a perpetual pause button to prevent that from happening.

Totally understandable, but still fallacious.

There’s the beautiful young lady who doesn’t know her worth, so she gets all her attention from “gentlemen” who are attracted to the roundness of her derriere instead of the brightness of her eyes. She thinks she found love, but it is questionable as to whether or not the sentiment is reciprocal.

That’s the story of many young men and women’s lives.

Every single day I hear a new story. And every single day, I am at a loss as to what to say when these young men and women bring me their stories and then ask me what I think. I’ve learned to keep a straight face, but goodness gracious…I don’t see the point in any of them getting married–or even being in relationships for that matter–without a solid foundation in place.

I have talked until I am blue in the face, but what would YOU say, BMWK? In your own words, what is REALLY the point of getting married? It’s hard to formulate a reason without LOVE–my favorite four letter word–being in the mix somewhere. How would you approach any of these individuals with advice if they came to ask you for it?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in the south with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (15)

Candi Friday - 15 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Harriet you forgot a major one....Some people get married just because they had a child, period. I believe every situation is different. I wouldn't let my biological clock, parents, friends, poor choices or any other variable rush me to the alter. My fiance was literally the man God sent for me, I know it with 100% certainty and the fact that he feels the same is our reason for getting married. We are at the place where God is the head of our relationship, the level of our anointing only grew through our union, we're great friends and share similar goals for the future and our families love each other and blend wonderfully. I don't understand how some people say your not marrying the family your only marrying the person, because I'm very close to my fam and so is he. We're all a package deal. I love his mom like I love mine. And our mothers adore each other. But like I said, so many people do it for so many reasons.
African American Mom Friday - 15 / 01 / 2010 Reply

We got married because we loved each other, we had children, our families were great with us, we have similiar goals, and becasue that is what we were taught at a young age. There was no one reason we got married. I guess it was a collection of things. .-= African American Mom´s last blog ..Help Haiti =-.
EDDIE MATHENEY Friday - 15 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I RECENTLY READ WHERE "50CENT" SAID THAT MARRAIGE WAS A BAD BUSINESS DECISION FOR A MAN, I KINDA AGREE ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MARRIAGE ITS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
joanofalltrades Friday - 15 / 01 / 2010 Reply

This is a hard one. Because most of the people you mentioned have no business getting married in the first place. Get married because you are in love with the person, you plan to start a family together, and when you picture your future, the only thing you know for sure is that that person will be in it forever. I know several people who should have never gotten married and now they are divorce or in loveless marriages and it's sad. I also know many single people who want to get married and don't understand why they are not. I listen to their stories, but no one really ever asks me, "why do you think I'm not married yet?" So I'll just keep listening until I'm asked. .-= joanofalltrades´s last blog ..Happy New Year! =-.
Anna Friday - 15 / 01 / 2010 Reply

3 EDDIE MATHENEY January 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm I RECENTLY READ WHERE “50CENT” SAID THAT MARRAIGE WAS A BAD BUSINESS DECISION FOR A MAN, I KINDA AGREE ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MARRIAGE ITS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. ~~~~~~~~~~ LOL. I don't agree but if people are stupid and take his lyrics seriously "Have a baby by me, be a millioair", than to each their own. As Africian American Mom stated. "There was no one reason we got married. I guess it was a collection of things". We fell in love, we were getting older, we enjoy each others company. It was a plus that he has no kids or ex wives. LOL. I do love his family and yes when you marry, you do marry the "whole" family. Hubby and I love each others family, we are all family now. My sis got married and her mother-in-law and I are fam along with the rest of his fam. My son got his gf pregnant and her fam is now our fam. It's just the 'circle" of life. My siblings and I were strays growing up, we accept all. LOL. I mentioned it before that my kids love to bring me home strays, just kids they went to school with or met yrs. ago. I think my kids did it more out of 'taking away my atttention for them to someone else. LOL.
T. Rogers Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

@Eddie Matheney, I often laugh when I hear other men drop the line about marriage being a "bad business decision" for men. If you are LeBron James or 50 Cent that could be true. But the average man is not pulling down money like that. Many guys have very little to lose financially by getting married. In fact, most men gain financially by getting married. Marriage is not the killer of the average black man's bank account. Having kids with women (who you are not married to) and not being the custodial parent is what is hitting brothers hard. You don't have to get married to see a healthy portion of your paycheck taken every month. Baby Mamas can take just as much of a man's money as ex-wives can. To the actual question. Marriage is the beginning of a family. It is a statement to both the individuals involved and everyone surrounding them that their union is for real. It is the social demonstration of an emotional reality. It is also a stabilizing and legitimizing force for children. And stability is something many of our black children lack.
CeeCee Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I can't tell anyone else what their reasons for getting married should be because everyone is different. I got married because I felt that I loved him (but have discovered that I the way I love him now is much more love than I had for him back then, and it continues to grow) , and saw myself growing in life with him. I wanted God to be pleaased ith our union. I wanted it to be official and legal. I wanted our child (and now children, plural) to have a stable home--not moving to a different house every 3-4 days). I wanted a real commitment betweeen us, and something solid and I wanted proof that said to the world that we were willing to brave all the storms with each other. I wanted a ring from him that said we were one. He was my best firend and still is. Actually, we've become better friends and lovers since we first hooked up.
CeeCee Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

I know I had typos.
Jonesi Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Now I know I'm a newbie to this marriage thing, but it is no small feat! Honestly, didn't really and still don't have much of an answer as to why I excepted his proposal other than I loved and trusted my partner. I wouldn't necessarily say I was ever against marriage, it just wasn't a goal. All I used to tell myself growing up was that I did not want to be a single parent and I pretty much lived accordingly. I was always too scared to really focus on marriage as a lifelong goal because of my family history and the things I would hear and see around me. I came across this blog at a perfect time in my life and it really put a new spin on the concept of black love and marriage. I got to witness the wonderful reality of it and It overshadowed the myths that do turn people away from the beauty of a loving, officially, ordained union that enhances individuals and communities when you fully and respectfully commit to it. Considering the benefits of marriage, does it really matter why people choose to do it (other than gaining entry into the country). I for one am not a believer that love alone can sustain a marriage but I'm open to perspectives that feel this is untrue.... But
Black Married Momma Saturday - 16 / 01 / 2010 Reply

Marriage needs to become a point and priority once again for our community. The perils of shacking up, having babies by random absentee men and/or questionable women and the shaky economic foundation of Black America are good bases for broaching the validity and viability of marriage as a healthy alternative. I wrote about this on my blog, Black Married Momma: The Anti-Statistic, here: http://blackmarriedmomma.blogspot.com/2009/12/casualty-of-common-law-marriage.html and here: http://blackmarriedmomma.blogspot.com/2009/12/always-girlfriend-baby-momma-fiancee.html
Kimberly Monday - 18 / 01 / 2010 Reply

My husband and I got married because we always loved each other. No matter what we been through we always had that love for each other. Yes we did have a child prior to us getting married, but that wasnt a reason for me to get married. I married him because I saw my past, present and future in his arms. It is true that love alone cannot sustain a marriage and that it takes a lot of determination, patience and God's guidance to sustain a marriage.
simplyRed Friday - 29 / 01 / 2010 Reply

If someone asked why get married, I would say only get married if you want a lifetime partner. I believe financial goals, legacies, professional aspirations and an outlet to express a range of emotions are all good reasons for marriage. Some of these things can be achieved in long-term relationships however marriage is a unique partnership that has yet to be matched in rights, roles and responsibilities. I wish people invested more time learning about marriage, invested more in their marriages rather than a wedding, then maybe there would be less regrets.
Alexis Sunday - 11 / 04 / 2010 Reply

OMG i am SO happy i came across this article. I recently got into an arguement with a friend about marrying your baby fathers. She says all guys from the hood are just baby daddys and wont marry you. i come from the suburbs, men are men no matter the geographical location. they have to want to marry you, a lot of women in my age bracket (20s) just put up with ANYTHING from a man just to have one! most women just want the ring so they can stunt on their friends. they'll be divorced by 28. half of tge married couples i need have affairs or open marriages. i had kids b4 marriage, still am with babys father. i love my kids but wish i had the same last name. i feel like i am not a part of the family & am embarressed sometimes. i wonder is it wrong for wanting to be single so i can find the me that i threw away because i was so scared to end up like my parents, in a resentful unhappy relationship. I hate the whole "i hate u but we're getting older, dont want to meet anyone new, and cant afford to live without you and spend the way i want so lets stay together". watching that growing up was crazy! i was like damn is this black love? a woman cussing the man out all the time? "u aint shit" This is what the older generation passes down. "Dont trust a man baby, they aint no good" . seems like women make a bigger deal about men dating interracially then making a big deal about the fact that black women have the highest percentage of being unmarried? Marriage should be about love, trust, respect,admiration and friendship. instead its becoming to be about financial security, cure for the lonelies, tax writeoffs, and then pepple go to divorce court finding out kids arent theirs, using their kids as weapons towards each other, blowing child support on theirselves or leaving the family for some other person they hardly know. Damn :(
Tiffany B Tuesday - 13 / 04 / 2010 Reply

I think you get married because you want to make a statement about your relationship. You love your spouse no doubt, but one thing I saw that I didn't like, is that it is so easy to just shack and become common law husband and wife. But thats not really setting a good example for the community or for yourselves.. I was raised by both my parents who were married for 31 years before my mom passed away in 2001. It was running joke in my neighborhod, that we were The Cosby's, but people were soo proud of my family and listened to my parents said cuz they had so much respect for the fact that they got married, could have moved out to the burbs but instead stayed in the city to be an example.. I want my marriage to also be a great building block for my community as well..that is missing today!
Miss K. Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply

Marriage is serious and not anything to be fooled with. i have two boys and am with my sons father to this day. 8 Years and going strong! although we r not married,"i feel we got something special" just like usher says. my parents and godparents have been married for years and have stayed together through ups and downs. a lot of people at my age, 27, arent ready for that responsibility. When you hear about the high number of unmarried black women, its sad to hear. But more and more women are independent and dont necessarily want the heavy responsibility of a husband and kids. I love having kids and want more, but in my opinion, i would like to get married first. and i hope my sons marry a woman before beginning a family. it just seems picture perfect. sorry if i sound too unrealistic! but if the couple wants it, they can have a fairytale marriage...just gotta work for it! it has to be both of your goals! i care about getting married and thats why i want to make sure i am 10000% sure its right. the divorce rate is too high and i dont want to get divorced if i can avoid it, it hurts not only the couple but the family as well. i dont want to end up all bitter and angry...whats wrong with taking it slow? you have forever to be married.