BMWK Roundtable: “How To Talk To Your Spouse About Sex”

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 8th, 2010 | 8 comments

bmwkcouplebed

This is a new feature here at BMWK. We had a writer send in a questions and for our first roundtable the ladies of BMWK are going to take turns providing the answer. This ought to be interesting. For this initial roundtable the question was how to talk to your spouse abuot sex. Check out the action below.

Question:

I’ve really enjoyed reading the responses to your ‘once you get married your sex life is over” topic, but I’m wondering how many of us really know how to communicate about this topic without hurting feelings. I know I don’t – my DH is ultrasensitive to even a hint that something is missing! Last time I mentioned not feeling intimate/close to him, he interpreted it as “I don’t love you anymore!”

Needless to say, we haven’t discussed it again.

So how are married folks supposed to talk if something is wrong behind closed doors, without anyone’s fee-fees getting bruised?

Answers:

Harriet:

Well, you’re one step closer to understanding your husband than you were before. Apparently one of his major love languages is physical touch, hence the attitude that he feels like you don’t love him anymore. Personally, I would play on his sensitivity. Make it a game to where you take one thing at a time (kisses, penetration, speed, whatever) and explain to him why it does or doesn’t work for you. That way, he gets physical intimacy, and you get to play the remedial teacher on how to do the things you like the way you like him!

Also, my husband and I have a board game called “Fan the Flames.” You’re supposed to play it either scantily clad or naked, and you ask one another intimate questions. If your husband gets the question wrong, then for a few moments he becomes your love slave, and you get to tell him what you want him to do to you and HOW you want him to do it. It’s awesome for the “remedial training,” and he’ll get what he wants immediately, while as you use patience and compassion, you’ll get what you want for the rest of your life.

Aja:

In my own experience, the best way to get through to my husband about anything in our relationship is to be very specific in communicating my needs to him. Telling your spouse “something is missing” may leave too much open for his own interpretation and eventually lead him to the conclusion that your love for him may be fading.

Before you approach your husband with this issue again, try to spend some time thinking about what it is that you feel is missing, and what it is that you need more of. Is it that you are missing some of the romance involved in intimacy that you may have shared before? Do you need more spontaneity? Is there something very specific that he is doing in the bedroom that you just don’t like? Or is it that you just wish you had sex more often? Being very clear with yourself about what you need may help you to communicate those needs to your husband with more clarity.

If you haven‘t already done so, you may want to think about whether there are things that you could do on your own to possibly bring back the spark to your sex life. Instead of placing the full responsibility of what is or is not going right in the bedroom on your husband, think about whether there are maybe little things that you used to do that you may have let slide. If you begin to introduce some new things or bring back some old ones to get yourself out of your usual routine, maybe your spouse will begin to follow suit.

In the end, being open and honest is best, but suggesting a few things to liven up your love life should sting a lot less than just saying that something isn’t there that was before.

Tara:

As I’ve heard many wise couples say, intimacy happens all day long and if you wait until 10 p.m. to try to get it cracking, it’s way too late by then.

One thing I’ve discovered in trying to bring back the intimacy that will in turn lead to a better sex life is that you have to take the lead. It’s not fair to make someone guess what they could do to make you feel more complete.

If you think something should change, take an honest look at where you’ve fallen short. We get so busy in day-to-day life that we get caught up in what more WE could do.

Take the lead. Hold hands more often. Make sure you tell your husband how much you love him, need him, appreciate him, every day. Find different ways to tell him. Like Harriet said, make sure you speak love in his language.

If you really just need to have a sit-down discussion, focus on “us” and not “you.” How you can improve as a couple, not necessarily how he needs to improve or how you can improve. Approach it as something that you will work on together.

Ronnie:

A common theme from everyone is that you need to communicate, communicate, communicate. It is very important that you are able to communicate about how each other feels in the marriage and that you are able to talk openly about any topic including intimacy. I find that avoiding any topics and letting issues fester will not be healthy for the marriage in the long run.

If your husband is ultra sensitive, then I would just focus on the positives. I would communicate to him about what I like and I would find out what he likes too. I like what Aja said about being specific in your requests Don’t just ask your partner to be more affectionate. You need to be specific in your intimate requests like: “please kiss me good-bye before leaving for work” or ” I would like to hold hands more,” or “Let’s say I love you before we hang up the phone.” And then start doing these things consistently every day. Being specific will let him know that you don’t have problems with everything in general..but that there are specific areas that need improvement.

BMWK family, what do you think? How do yo talk to your spouse about sex? How did you like our first Roundtable?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

gettingmorefrustrated

What we’re not mentioning here is the population of wives who are very interested in being intimate, and having sex, but their husbands are not. And the cause has nothing to do with extramarital affairs, but with low libido.

I have been married 8 years, and, in that time, have been frustrated because my husband my husband and I have two different sex drives. Most articles I’ve read offer advice to couples who experience this in the traditional way (wives with low libidos), but rarely, if ever, have I read about husbands with this issue.

Can anyone offer advice on this? Or point me in the direction of how my husband and I can fix this in our marriage?
Cheryl

Great article! We tend to speak about sex outside the bedroom – like at dinner or in the car. That way there is less pressure to perform. I agree with Ronnie, being specific has been very helpful to me, in more areas than just sex!
@gettingmorefrustrated – might your husband have a physical problem – is he on medication that might inhibit libido?
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara @ The Young Mommy Life

@Cheryl – I was just about to suggest that to @gettingmorefrustrated. It is probably physical, just like it is in a lot of women. If it’s not a medication he’s on, then perhaps it’s stress. Or perhaps he might not feel like the sexy guy he was when you first got together. The only way to really know is to talk about it.

You might have to get detailed with it if you haven’t already. “I’d like to have sex at least once a week. What is ideal for you?” And go from there.

Assuming you’ve already taken that step, you might need to go slow. Veeery slow. See a sex therapist if you have to. They can help deal with the underlying issues and hopefully get you on the right track. Good luck!
.-= Tara @ The Young Mommy Life´s last blog ..Giveaway: Sade’s Soldier of Love =-.
Dee

@ gettingmorefrustrated I would defintely challenge you to get your husband to get a physical, but unfortunately for the most part from what I have read these issues are usually mental and emotional, not physical. I am quoting from Michele Weiner-Davis’s, MSW blog entitled “sex starved wives”; “Another myth-buster revealed by the survey was what women said were the causes for their husbands’ lack of desire. Contrary to popular belief that the only reason a man would turn down sex is because “his machinery isn’t working properly,” or their wives are extremely unattractive, this just isn’t so. Men, it seems, turn off to sex for many of the same reasons that their wives do- emotional disconnection, underlying resentment or unresolved problems, depression, stress and so on. In fact, one of the most common reasons men reject their wives’ advances is that they feel their wives are critical or bossy. Nagging simply isn’t an aphrodisiac”.

“The problem is, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Are men turned off to being sexual because their wives complain, or do women complain and behave angrily because their husbands are physically and emotionally withdrawn? Ah yes, the infamous Catch-22. And therein lies the problem. When there is a sexual divide, each spouse waits for the other to change. “If you are nice to me, then I’ll have sex with you,” or “When you have sex with me, I’ll be kinder to you.” You don’t need a degree in psychology to know that this sort of standoff is playing with fire. Stalemates make marriages go down the tubes”.

Also take into account that this is not the kind of thing that men tend to discuss with other men, as there is already enough social stigmas associated with a man not being on fire for sex, and you have a recipe for a very frustrated wife, and a man who is at a loss to rememedy the situation. If you can you need to have a frank talk with him and have him consider couples therapy, so that the lines of communication open and you are actively working towards solving the problem as a couple.
gettingmorefrustrated

First, thank you all for responding. Sometimes I feel like I’m in Siberia when it comes to this issue.

My husband is not on any form of medication, however, in 2007, we dealt with the loss of his business, the death of his father and the birth of our youngest child–all within months of each other–, as well as the stesses of the current economy, AND he’s in Seminary. I am not an unreasonable woman. I try hard not to nag, I try to be supportive, and so forth, BUT I don’t think I’m wrong to want my husband to NOTICE me, and to respond to me physically. No doubt he is stressed and depressed, and maybe this is my season to give, unselfishly. The Bible says, “love is patient AND is kind.” I have to work on being more patient with him.

I am looking into counseling for us though. Something that will pop a hole in this bubble of anger and frustration that is growing inside me. Something has to give…in…and it may just be me.

Again, I thank you.
http://Michaelericmarkland.com Michael Eric Markland

As a man when I read or listen to the advice that women offer other women; I ASK MYSELF; would that work on me? Most times my answer to myself is NO. If you want to KNOW what I need you to do to make me respond in a certain way; YOU HAVE TO ASK ME. Women misunderstand the chemical and emotional make-up of monogamous men. This might sound sexist or chauvinistic but I can be but only so apologetic with the truth. We have chosen to deny certain instinctive calls from nature in order to be ‘responsible men’–as per the Coolidge Effect. Not that we deserve a medal for it , BUT the same stimuli which worked before we got married probably won’t have the same effect sexually after we get married–we evolve. Most of the suggestions –-that I observe– women offer to each other would actually be more of an irritant to a man than they would be helpful in assessing his mental or emotional state of self. You can kill yourself doing what you think you should do, or you can ASK HIM. I want to offer a few suggestions to women who are trying to reconnect intimately with their men.
Men love to be hugged–Hug him for no reason at all, walk up behind him and hug him like he is that stud you crave.
Stop letting him into your window of transformation–Take care of your womanly business in private: don’t share your potty time with him; lock, him out of the bathroom during that time (keep your feminine mistique)
Figure his sexual rhythm -morning or night or wake me up sex. Entice him; keep wine in the house pour two glasses of wine when you watch TV-set the mood. Seize unique opportunities to Groom him; mani-pedicures get as personal as he will let you-get him addicted to your full line of luxuries not just your honey suckle.
ASK HIM what he likes and then TELL HIM what you like.
Give first and then ask for reciprocation later.
Peace between the sheets.
gettingmorefrustrated

@ Michael,
Hearing these insights from the male perspective has been helpful for me. I’ve heard of and have read many things that say the same that’s stated in the Bible: “Do unto others as you would have them to unto you.” That is what I have to do here. Do FOR him instead of waiting for him. I know in marriage, our role is the please the other–this is not just bedroom pleasing, but in all things (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, supporter or dreams, etc), and if both spouses do this, then that will create balance in the marriage.

I will admit that this will take some time for me. I have to work through the “what have you done for me lately” mindset, but I don’t want to invite the alternatives–things that lead to divorce–into the relationship.

We vowed to be married through the good, the bad and the ugly. Now, we have to fight to get back to the good side.
http://www.knotchocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

I’ve learned that when talking about sex with my husband, timing is everything. Holding these conversations after he’s just come in from a long day at work, or even while watching tv is not a good idea. I try to bring it up while dining out, or maybe after waking up late on a Saturday morning while we’re still laying in bed. Other than that, I’ve learned to be 100% clear and honest. A good man will want to know any and everything it takes to please his woman.

For those who still aren’t comfortable with confronting the issue head on, try giving subtle hints in the bedroom. When he’s doing something right, make some noise and let him know you like it. If what he’s doing isn’t working for you, don’t make a sound. Trust me, it works!!!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Sorry Boo, I Don’t Support You =-.