Should You Expect Fidelity In a Marriage No Matter What?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 8th, 2010 | 16 comments

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

By now, we all (or most of us) know the details of the affair South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford had with his Argentinan “soul mate,” leaving his wife, kids, and constituents in his home state wondering where the heck their leader went.

In her new book, Jenny Sanford, Mark’s ex-wife, details how he declined to include a clause on fidelity in their marriage vows. “It bothered me to some extent, but we were very young, we were in love,” she said in an Barbara Walters interview. “I questioned it, but I got past it.”

Obviously, it sucks to be her right now. Or even back then, really, from the sounds of it. You’ve got to be crushed when your husband has an affair, and then gets caught, and THEN you have to relive it over and over in the news.

BUT – Mark Sanford never promised to be faithful to his wife. He made it a point to cut that part out of the vows. Homegirl knew up front what it was. If she chose to believe he really meant he would be faithful when he was, in fact, quite clearly saying, “I’m gonna leave myself a little wiggle room, okay?” then who’s fault is it?

Does marriage, by its very definition, include fidelity, and no omission of the “f-word” can erase that? Or can marriages be open and flexible, as long as both parties agree to the terms and conditions?

So what say you – is a marriage still a marriage if one or both parties aren’t planning to be faithful?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Brenn

In my opinion, a marriage should never be “open”. That opens you up to a lot of hurt and pain. I don’t care how down the couple thinks they are with it, there is still going to be someone hurt by it.
Cheryl

I am sure there are those out there that can say open marriage can work for them, but to me an open marriage is more like a LLP – limited liability partnership. That is not marriage. If I can’t expect fidelity, what is the point? The intimacy shared between a married couple is what makes that relationship different from your other friends. I don’t see how being “naked and not ashamed” with more than one person is even possible. Too emotionally draining.

Not at all understanding how girlfriend let the fidelity part of the vows slip by…
Harriet

This just burns me up, Tara. I don’t care what was said at the altar, when you’re talking about marriage, fidelity is inherent! To answer your question, HELL YEAH you should expect fidelity no matter what!

*gathering myself*

Yes, it is still a marriage on paper, so legally, in terms of kids and assets, and the like, but without the fidelity and promise of love, it’s just a business deal that can easily be broken. I don’t think I could live like that. That’s just me.
MTM

I couldn’t do it in my marriage, but I can see it if BOTH partners were on the same page about it. Sounds like the Ex-Mrs. Sanford went along with something she wasn’t prepared to follow through to the end.
Alex C

Fidelity is the key point in marriage. It provides the basis for all other benefits of marriage to be accomplished. For a man its genetically important that you provide your kids with the best situation possible…..key word “your”.

For women, marriage is mostly meaningless without security. If your husband is cheating…..its very possible he could leave you for that other women. Impacting significantly the finances and general well being of the children for many years to come.
Judas

In my marriage, i need to be cherished, loved and safe. If he decides to step away from me its as though my safety is gone. Like a thief in the night broke into my home and took nothing but everything. I am no longer home. I am no longer SAFE. Cheating affects you in a way that takes away a piece of you. darn, nasty business cheating.
michele

What would be the point of even getting married if you’re not going to be faithful to your spouse and honor and respect your vows? Seems like a waste of time to me just to go through the motions for whatever the reasons may be. Marriage is worth more than that, and it shouldn’t be taken so lightly. People seem to forget, what goes around comes back around.
http://ReclaimBlackFamily.wordpress.com Tracey

I think the parties should decide what will work for them. I believe one of the problems with couples is that they let societal standards determine what will work for their relationship. They listen to family, friends, media, clergy, etc. and then wrestle with how they feel. Yeah on a moral level marriage should be about monogamy but I think some things should be left to two mature, honest, spiritual adults to decide what they expect from each other. I think the issue with the Sanfords is that he not only had an affair, he had a relationship with his “soulmate” that would ire anyone!
http://www.allianceediting.com Nikki M

I think that sexual fidelity and emotional fidelity are things that can be separated. Not everyone is intent to have both, so if the rules of their marriage allow certain freedoms, that’s up to them. The problem is when the two people are operating under different sets of rules and one steps out while the other assumes the marriage is monogamous. This can be hurtful and dangerous. I agree with Tracey that the couple should decide and commit to the their shared expectations for the marriage.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

That depends on your outlook of marriage.

Some view marriage through a legal, worldly lens. So they’re able to tweak marriage to fit their lifestyle or choices or conveniences.

Others {myself and my husband included} view it through a spiritual lens; the one in which God created marriage with standards they choose to uphold. And in that view, the marriage bed should no be defiled. Which absolutely means fidelity.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Does it count as a date if your husband says you look like a bum? =-.
http://www.brownandbridal.com busybodyk

I agree with Tracey BUT I know what works for me and that’s fidelity.
http://www.mochadad.com Mocha Dad

Both parties must agree to be faithful from the start. Being faithful is more than avoiding sex with another person. Too many people get caught up in emotional affairs with their “friends.” Marriage is about receiving your physical and emotional fulfillment from your spouse.
.-= Mocha Dad´s last blog ..The World’s Most Embarrassing Dad =-.
http://www.stepmother-chronicles.com queenae

Ofcourse you should!! Your married and you don’t say those vows for nothing. But some folks know what they are gettting into. If he is still creepin before you are actually married you may not get fidelity (though you should expect it) but you need to go on your intuition if you can trust him or not…Expect monogamy!!
TONYA

Ladies, let me tell you. I can truly say I know how it feels….
my husband, had an affair with a woman he works with, and she got pregnant by him. Ladies, this started way before Feb. of 2009. The signs weren’t there until, our 14 year old daughter starting acting out,being disrespectful, cussing, and talking back to me.
Then I started noticing, he was not coming home at his usual time, because he works nights. Next was cat hair in our car…we don’t have a cat. The car was smelling like cigarette smoke ….we don’t smoke. Long stringy back hair in the car … not African American hair either, and longer than mine!! There would be all kinds of gravel on the front passenger side of the car. WE DON’T HAVE A GRAVEL DRIVEWAY!!

OK LADIES, HE EXPOSED OUR DAUGHTER TO THIS WOMAN, AND TOLD HE NOT TO TELL ME!!! THIS WOMAN KISSED HIM IN FRONT OF HER, AND GAVE HIM A HUG , HELD HIS HAND, PLUS HAD HER TWO TEENAGE DAUGHTERS WITH HER TOO, WHEN HE PICKED HER UP FROM THE “CLINIC” THIS WOMAN HAS 3 KIDS WITH 2 DIFFERENT BABY DADDY’S, AND MY HUSBAND MAKES THE THIRD DUMB A BABY DADDY!!!@#t$#^
HOW I FOUND OUT THROUGH TEXT MESSAGES. THIS MAN HAD UNPROTECTED SEX, AND WAS STILL MAKING LOVE TO ME. WE HAVE NO NEED TO USE IT BECAUSE MY TUBES ARE TIED!!

LADIES..WHEN THE CRAP HIT THE FAN, MY DAUGHTER HAD A FIT, BECAUSE, SHE SAID, THAT DAD MADE HER PROMISE, AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME. WELL HE DIDN’T, AND I FOUND OUT, AND MORE AND MORE JUST COMES TO LIGHT. HE ALSO PUT MY SON IN THIS, BY TELLING HIM, AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME. LADIES THIS WOMAN LIVES 12 MIN. FROM OUR HOUSE.
YOU KNOW I COULD GO ON…BECAUSE SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE 9/9/09, WHEN I FOUND OUT, UNTIL NOW. MY DAUGHTER SAID THAT HER DAD WHEN TO THE SCUM OF THE EARTH TO GET A TRASHY WOMAN…THAT LIVES WITH HER MOMMA, SHE IS 44 YEARS OLD, AND HER KIDS ARE 19, 17, 16, AND NOW THIS BABY!!!@%#^#$^$^$

All I can say, this is what I get for loving him, and sharing my heart with him. He never wanted for nothing. Meaning, I work full time, I cook, clean, and love to show my family how much I love and appreciate them. Ladies, when it comes to handling my business in bedroom, hey, I love to be creative, and then some. I take care of myself, hair, nails, and body. The Lord has truly blessed me, but you just don’t do wrong and sin, and mess with what God has put together, because He does not play, and I am seeing the power that God can do to people, He can and will bring you to your knees.

LADIES… I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE MY HUSBAND TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF IN FRONT OF THIS TRASH…BUT HE COULD HAVE AT LEAST PICKED A WOMAN THAT SOUNDS LIKE SHE MORE THAT A 6 GRADE EDUCATION!!
TONYA

By the way we have been legally married for 8, and we have been together for 24 years
Plus ladies, why men don’t want to go to counseling??? He feels that what goes on in the
TONYA

HOUSE SHOULD STAY IN THE HOUSE..IT IS NO BODIES BUSINESS…YEAH RIGHT!!:)