How Did I Know He Was “The One?”

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 10th, 2010 | 16 comments

blackmen

by Harriet Hairston

As you all know, I work around a lot of college students. The most common question I get asked is, “How did you know your husband was ‘the one?’”

Every time I answer the question, I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with this man I’ve dedicated a great part of my life to. He is charming, respectful, chivalrous, bold, and madly in love with the Lord. He’ll never even THINK of hitting a woman, he loves me just the way I am, and hates when I belittle myself, he’s an awesome father, and a great writer.

I could go on and on about why I love him, but knowing he was “The One” was more nebulous for me. I wasn’t the kind of sister to walk around with a long list of unrealistic expectations. That just wasn’t my thing. I felt like I could go with the flow of a relationship and if it progressed past my commitment to remain abstinent until marriage, then that person would prove to be a great candidate for me.

Here are some methods I used when making the choice for my mate:

Determine what your non-negotiables are, and make sure they’re realistic. For example, a real relationship with the Lord was a non-negotiable for me. Other non-negotiables can include credit scores (which are subject to change), respect for their mothers (because if he can’t respect his own mama, how much more would he disrespect you?), etc.
Are you physically attracted to him? I love the Lord, and I believe He gave me my sexual desires for the purpose of marriage. That said, it would be unrealistic for me to marry someone that I wasn’t remotely attracted to.
Does he get along with your family (or at least make an attempt to)? All in all, I saw myself in the future with this man, having his children and growing in the same direction with him. It’s been a wild ride, and I look forward to the longevity of our lives together.

So, BMWK…how did YOU know your spouse was “The One?” What kind of criteria did you look for?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. She joyously writes for the site Black and Married with Kids and her own blog entitled “Can She SAY That?!?” There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” Her first book, “Who Are You?” discusses how to introduce yourself to your identity in Jesus Christ. It will be available through Amazon.com in early March 2010.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Monique

I have known my husband all my life. When I knew what a boy was I knew I wanted to be connected with him. Now mind you my husband is nine years older than me so that posed a problem especially to my very very over protective mother. It also did not help that in his eyes I did not even exist. Then one day when I was around 20 years old he started to take an interest in me. We would do some harmless flirting but that was it. He finally asked me out on a date and had the nerve to stand me up, I was floored. I am the one who usually stands people up it wasnt suppose to happen to me. But then after some long heartfelt apologies I let him take me out and it was definetly worth the wait. From that moment on I knew he was the one for me. And 16 years later we are happily married for 10 years with one beautiful son. He is so kind, sweet, charming and strong. He is a little rough around the edges but I wouldnt want someone who was perfect. He has such a big beautiful heart. He builds me up and never tears me down. He steps back and lets me shine. I couldnt imagine my life with anyone else. DANG I love that man.
Harriet

Awwww! Monique, that gave me warm fuzzies! That was really, REALLY sweet!
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

Harriet, I think that I was probably a lot like you in the sense that I didn’t really have a list of expectations. At the time that I met my husband to be honest I wasn’t really looking for “the one”. We started hanging out together and over time our relationship developed and we became closer. There are many things that I love him. He is a hard worker and motivates me to work harder. He is very protective of me and our family and I always feels safe around him. But I think that the one thing that really stood out to me about him was that I always felt comfortable being 100 percent myself around him which I hadn’t before in relationships.
Beth J.

My husband & I have been married for 23 years and I didn’t know at first he was the one. I was all googly eyes for his friend, the one everyone was in love with, well come to find out his friend wasn’t interested in me, so to make a long story short, we started hangin out and I was in high school, he went to college and then once he got back home from college, he moved to Louisiana. So we were apart for six years and then he moved back home and we got back together and got married and the rest is history. This man is the most caring, whole-hearted, giving person I know, and I really strive to be like him. He gives of himself very easily, in which I need work in that area. He helps me in the home without asking, he’s a fabulous cook, and now that our two Sons, ages 22 & 20 are now basically grown and moved out of our home, we are having the time of our lives, I wouldn’t change a thing. I just hope & pray that the good Lord gives us many, many more wonderful years together, I wouldn’t change a thing. Love You Bleu!!!
Cheryl

Your stories are all so lovely! I met my husband when I was 19, coming off my first big “love affair”. My parents gifted me a trip to Europe and we met on line for the plane. We switched seats to sit together and have been together ever since! I am often humbled at how well suited to one another we are. He did fulfill my childish list at the time – tall, dark, handsome… but in His infinite wisdom, God gave me a husband that fulfills the things that should have been on the list, but I was too naiive to even know – strong character, hard working, big heart, loves the Lord…
http://www.allianceediting.com Nikki M

I loved this article! I did have a short list of expectations for a spouse: I wanted someone loving and caring who could make me laugh and build a life with me. I knew my husband was the one because our compatibility was not just physical or emotional, but also intellectual. We shared common goals and a common desire and work ethic to meet those goals. We could (and can) talk about anything, and we both shared a broad variety of interests. I knew early on that in him, I had a protective partner and a motivational teammate who cared about our mutual success. That doesn’t mean that everything was perfect from the start; we did have some bumps in the road, but we came together and worked things out repeatedly. He’s not the kind of man to give up on dreams, goals, or me, and that’s what I love the most. We’ve only been married for three and a half years, but I look forward to the next 80 years with the same enthusiasm and anticipation I had for our wedding.
http://www.heavenlystyling4u.com Sharee

I knew my husband was my husband before our first date was even over. Not because he was great and I made up in my mind he was the one, but because before the date was over I heard a very firm voice say, “This is your husband.” It actually freaked me out. It was the Lord. I had prayed and told God that if He had a mate for me that He was going to have to tell me because I was not out looking for a husband. And He did just that. I ust add too that God confirmed this to my husband. He came to him in several dreams after my husband asked Him was I the one. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years and married for 4 1/2 years. I believe that were are MFEO in the truest since of the phrase and God confirmed that for us.
MTM

I knew when I couldn’t imagine starting a family with anyone else in the world.
Harriet

@ Beth…that’s funny that you were all “googly eyes” at your husband’s best friend at the time. Your story sounds similar to that of my parents.

@ Cheryl…falling in love literally in the heavens. That’s just beautiful!

@ Nikki…in a lot of respects, I wish I had paid more attention to the things you mentioned in terms of your expectations of a future spouse! My head was lost in the clouds, but when we initially got married, it was unequivocally brought back down to earth. LOL I think it’s both wise and wonderful that you didn’t allow just your feelings to be the be all end all to a choice that literally changed the rest of your life.

@ Sharee…I know of a couple, they were both virgins when they got married, and both of them had dreams about each other at the same time. It wasn’t until two years later when they revealed their dreams to one another, though. Their wedding was so beautiful! I was so honored to be a witness to what God can do in the spiritual realm when it comes to putting two people toogether. Your story reminded me of the two of them. Wow!

@ MTM…that was actually one of the non-negotiables I had. If I couldn’t see that man being able to raise my children, it was a no no. Luckily for me, I got the chance to witness how he was with his son from another relationship. It was just heart warming.

Thanks everyone for these great stories about how you knew! This is the warm fuzzy capital of the internet right now!
Karen

Is this site for real? Everything is so “warm and fuzzy”. Marriage is work and isn’t always fun and a blessing. Marriage and kids sometimes means extra housework, missed appointments, no sex, fights, yelling, making up, cranky kids, cozy dinners, complaining, school papers, meddling parents and friends, slammed doors, mortgages and counseling and illness. (counseling was the worst, we’d leave more angry than we came:) I knew my husband was the one when, after a whirlwind courtship, trips and fun, I was pregnant. We stayed married and separated until his death. He was a good dad, provider and friend. I thank God we stayed friends and our own form of “together”.
Beth J.

@Karen – I’m sorry for the loss of your Husband. Marrige is work. don’t think for a moment that all of us that are married, haven’t been through all of those things you spoke of. I think a lot of married folks try to expound on the positive instead of the negative because there are more good times than bad [ at least in my case]. We have all the lil arguments over silly things and missed appts. and so forth, just as much as the next couple, but I THINK it’s the Love that keeps you grounded and positive. There will not be any growth if we all just existed in perfect harmony, we all have to go through things to learn & grow from them and then be able to teach or advise our children within their marriages once they get there, you feel me? It’s all really a learning process and we all have different paths or experiences going through it all. I hope you find Love again. Take Care. Love.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@KAren I encourage you to look through our archives to experience the depth of our content. We are a site of people that love marriage and support each other so even in the articles discussing such topics as you’ve listed above (we’ve covered all of them before on numerous occasions) you’ll find nuggets that are used as teaching tools and rays of light instead of pity parties like on some sites. That’s just how we get down.
Harriet

@ Karen,

Girl, first let me say that I’m glad you had the chance to experience a time with your husband, no matter how short it was, that showed you what REAL LOVE is.

That said, Lamar is right. Do a search on “Fight or Flight,” “Back to Life,” “Foreclosure,” hell…just do a search on my name, girl. LOL Also Aja has written about not feeling supported by her spouse, Tara has written about how she would kill her husband and a couple of bricks if her husband ever cheated on her, etc. etc.

You will find that the articles on BMWK run the gamut from “I love me some him” to “I don’t know how much more I can take.” Just like marriage and parenthood, you will find the ups, downs and in betweens here.

If you choose to look at some of the archives, I really hope you enjoy them. I think we have a team here that is very realistic about everything marriage entails.
http://www.heavenlystyling4u.com Sharee

@Karen I just want to say that I really do consider marriage to be a blessing. But with that said my husband and I have had some rough patches, but we are just willing to do the work. We take it one day at a time. And I just want to note that the topic of discussion was how did you know your spouse was the one. Not how hard has it been to be married to the one. That’s a whole ‘nother topic for a whole ‘nother day! :0) Be blessed!!
Tonia

I knew he was the one when it was my first year teaching.I started my job after the school year started so I was really behind the 8ball. He came with me on a Sunday to help me set up my classroom. We were sorta dating but I knew he was the one for me after that act of kindness.
Msgos2u

I would always ask my married female friends how they knew their husbands were the “ones” and they would tell me it’s a “feeling” you’ll get that can’t be explained. Lol, I’d always tell them “what do you mean you can’t describe it…I need to know so I can attempt to avoid it! Well, wouldn’t you know, God allowed me to discover the “feeling” for myself. I have to admit it is truly an indescribable feeling. I felt the safest, most secure feeling I’d ever felt in my entire life when I hugged him good-bye after re-connecting with him some twenty plus years later. For me, that’s how I definitely knew he was the one!

How Did I Know He Was “The One?”

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