Did You Get What You Preferred?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 24th, 2010 | 16 comments

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Musician John Mayer’s recent comments about black women stunned most of us, but it made me think. If you missed it, here’s a brief quote after he was asked (by Playboy) if black women throw themselves at him he replied “I don’t think I open myself to it”. He then went on to use explicit language to further explain his lack of interest/desire for black women.

Honestly, it just seems that black women aren’t his cup of tea and that is okay. With that narrow type of thinking one could possibly be missing out on a very good thing. See, initially I preferred dark skin and a bald head while my not-yet-husband was partial to a thicker woman with long hair, but what we got was each other. We all have these ideas about how our perfect man or woman will be delivered. One of my friends recently shared with me that it hurts her feelings when a guy she’s dating says he prefers a woman who wears their natural hair. My friend doesn’t, so she favors a man who is cool with that. I hear it all the time from my other single girlfriends, I want a man who’s tall, or looks a little thuggish; never really realizing that some of those superficial preferences may be getting in the way of their finding someone truly perfect for them. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a preference, but when we become consumed by it and stop looking for the other important qualities, that’s when it gets in our way. See, my husband was neither dark nor bald, but to me he was everything I was looking for. He was a friend; he listened well, was giving, loving and fun to be around. I am happy that even though I painted this picture of what I wanted, I focused on and found what I needed.

BMWK, what were some of your preferences before you got married and how does your spouse compare? What was it about your spouse that made you disregard a particular preference? What quality did they have that trumped what you thought you wanted?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya lives in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

Well said Tiya. I don’t know if I ever had preferences (like he has to be tall.) I must be attracted to many types..because I don’t think that any of the men that I dated in my past had similar characteristics. But after you get over the initial physical attraction, it’s your personality and character that will attract me the most. My husband was so very thoughtful when we were dating…I called him my sweetie pie…he is still my sweetie pie. So I did get what I preferred because he treats me so well…and it doesn’t hurt that he is so darn cute too!!
Michele

My only preference (before I got married) was to find a guy who wouldn’t break my heart! He could have been dark skinned or light skinned, could have been bald headed or had a smooth fade, tatted up or not, a little thuggish or a book worm, as long as we got along was all that mattered. I liked a chiseled guy…not overly muscular…but developed enough in all the right places. My husband wasn’t at all what I had expected. He’s tall, dark skinned, and has an ex-NFL defensive lineman’s build. No one else compares because my husband is “THE MAN!” And he’s the right man FOR ME. When I first met him, I thought he was attractive, had a nice personality, and he didn’t approach me like other guys had. He didn’t come on too strong, or too soft. He was a total gentleman in every sense of the word. Not that I had been dating a bunch of knuckleheads because that wasn’t the case, it was just something different about him that stood out. He is the most passionate man I have ever known, and I’m soooooo happy to say that he’s MINE MINE MINE!!! That’s not the only thing, but that’s one of the things that stumped the competition.
Jonesi

I agree that preferences can inhibit many women from obtaining what they really need in a mate. I think it’s also about exposure. Pre-college, I was young and into the “thuggish-type” (if that’s even a accurate depiction) because that’s all I had been exposed too. But when I met my husband, my attraction to him was unexplainable. He didnt dress like I was used too, he didn’t behave like I was use to – yet, he was PERFECT! Sometimes people need to get out of the norm of their daily routines and interactions – College was just that for me. I don’t have much of a dating history so that’s all I can go by. It all boils down to compatibility….how does he make your heart feel. That’s should be the real measure
Judas

The only thing John Mayer is concerned about is his own dyck!!
our preference should not be included in this ugly crude remarks.
Michelle

So sad to hear what John Mayer has to say about black women. He could be passing up his blessing. As for prefernce, I never wanted to date a man that had children because of the baby mama drama. However, I am getting ready to marry a man that has 2 lovely kids. He is all that I could have asked for. He loves me like I always wanted my husband too! Yes, the baby mama drama is there but that to will pass. He treats me like a queen and I love him for that. God couldn’t have sent me a better man.
http://www.heavenlystyling4u.com Sharee

My husband is adorable, but he was not what I invisioned myself marrying. I was particial to the darker shades of brown, but my hubby has a light caramel complexion. He has a boyish handsomeness and I wanted Zulu warrior, manliness. And he’s 3 years younger than I am. I’m glad I didn’t get caught up in my “preferences.” He’s perfect for me and I for him. :0) I always tell my single friends to broaden their horizons. You never know what’s underneath it all.
http://www.thencameisaiah.com Tiara

Great article, Tiya. I completely share your sentiments for the tall, dark and bald. lol. My husband was tall, but he is caramel with a head full of wavy hair. I had dated “my type” for years prior to meeting my husband and it was never what I wanted on an intellectual, spiritual or emotional level. My husband completely snuck up on me and before I could say “You are not my type”, I learned he was my type in so many ways that mattered far more than his appearance. Thank God I was looking outside the box or else I never would have found him! PS – I talk about the John Mayer situation in my latest blog post!
.-= Tiara´s last blog ..Waiting on The World to Change =-.
RW

My husband is younger than me, has a child, and we met while working together. All 3 of the top “Do not date” flags on my list. But I don’t think I could have found someone more perfect for me. My hubby loves me for me, just the way I am and practically worships the ground I walk on. He does all that he can to make me happy. On our wedding video, my mom said that if she had gone to a garden of husbands for her daughters, she could not have picked a better match for me. I think that says it all.
Tiya

Thanks all. I just love your responses and your comments about your hubbies. This is just too sweet! I just love, love!
Da Minster

First of all let me say I love the fact that people (not just of color) can come together and talk (chat, blog, etc) and “love” on one another. I want to say I learned alot in this blog to realize that women can sometimes be judgmental about men that they will allow to come into their lives. I must say none of the physical descriptions that was stated on here I match too…lol. My wife had to realize that about me also and it shows this much that we as people can get caught up in outer appearances & even carnal mindsets. But we rarely realize what’s inside of a person and it could cause us to miss our our “blessing” that God has for us. I learned also grace from God can even abound with our mates, because while we may be looking for “models” or “athletes” we end up with what we needed. Thanks be to God that He has blessed us enough to where we can be in live and be loved by His choice of person.
Tiya’

Da Minister, I thank GOD for that too. Cause if it’s left solely up to us, it’s no telling who we’d end up with. Thanks for your comment.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

I don’t know that I preferred anything in particular {except a Christian man}, because I didn’t want to get married {which seems crazy now!}.

But there were some things I’ve always known I was absolutely NOT attracted to: someone who lacks maturity or compassion, someone who sags his pants, someone who disrespected me, etc.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..“Are You The Mommy?” Revisited =-.
http://home.live.com/ eddie brite

We have been married for 33 years. We were 5 and 4 when we met. Fortunately we did not provide the increase, God did.
Tiya’

JeLisa, that is a great response, and it sounds like it comes from trial and error. @ Eddie, congrats on 33 years!!
MissJay

Well I definitely was not looking for a man who had children. That’s exactly what I got LOL. I’m glad I was open minded because I would have missed out on a great man.
Tiya

MissJay, we have to be open. I am glad I was too.

Did You Get What You Preferred?

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