Do Married Folks Think They’re Better Than Single People?

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by Lamar Tyler | on February 1st, 2010 | 40 comments

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

In the comments of one out of every three articles I write, I get someone alleging that married people take things too seriously and that “y’all think y’all are better than single folks.”

I could see why single people think married people are too snotty for their own good. After all, every married person was single once upon a time and at some point, they decided that it wasn’t good enough anymore. They needed to take that next step. They weren’t satisfied being introduced as “my girlfriend” or “my boyfriend.”

I do not think I am better than any one of my single friends. Not at all. I just look at the satisfaction I get from my marriage and it is enough for me. As long as they are happy in respectful, emotionally appropriate relationships, I don’t need to be concerned with it. Get married or don’t. I know what works for me.

I do think marriage is fantastic. There’s nothing I would rather be than my husband’s wife. I do take that role seriously. I’ve invested a lot of time, love, and energy into the marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson and I’ll be damned if I have it crumble in some way. Uh-uh. No way.

So some of my posts, decrying the term “wifey” and asking if married people should go to the club, err on the side of being too conservative. Many married people argee with me.

It’s easy to be serious when you’ve taken that step of having a legally binding, lifelong commitment define most of who you are. This is serious business. But just because I’m serious about my relationship, it doesn’t mean that non-married folks are beneath me. Y’all do your thing and I’ll do mine. Okay?

Do married people think they’re better than single people? Do you? Be honest. Speak your piece in the comments.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (40)

Stacy Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I did not get married until I was almost 40. So I had a long time to enjoy single life. I never thought about married versus single people and who was better. Now that I am married, I love being married. I still don't think about married versus single people and who is better. There are benefits to both, but if you have never been married it may be hard to appreciate what a married person endures in his/her transformation. Your perspective MUST change. You no longer make decisions in life with regard to just "me." Does that make me better than a single person, certainly not. But it does make me different than a single person, YES. Those who have issues with who is "better than" probably have issues with self.
Lamar Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Letsssss get ready to rummmbllllllle LOL. Just kidding Tara, good post. When people throw that up I put it in the same box with the "you're judging" comments when what you're really doing is giving an opinion. Every now and then we'll get a crazy over the line comment but 99,9% of the people aren't thinking they are above anyone they are just giving their points of view. Let's not forget that is the point of a blog. Otherwise you need to read the newspapers while they are still around.
Adrienne Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I don't think I'm better than my single friends at all. Then again, I don't really HAVE a lot of single friends. MAYBE one or two. But I had to learn early on that it's not always good to have single friends when you are married and have a family. You find yourself trying to do "single" things. AGAIN, that is just my opinion. I promise I read a LOT of blogs, and this one is by far my favorite. Great post! .-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Happy 13th Anniversary =-.
{Ms. P} Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@Tara: *2 thumbs* @Stacy: Good answer. @Lamar: You starting stuff! LOL some of those "opions" sound judgemental, when you hear "you NEED to do [this]. S/he NEEDA to do [that]". What worked for y'all, might not work for us. @Adrienne: I've heard that married people shouldn't have "a lot" of single friends. I disagree. A friend is a friend. People shouldn't be so easily persuaded to 'act' single. I have friends that were married fresh out of high school ('96) & we've never lost contact. (Of course, the double-dates & boy-talk had to come to an end, but we're friends regardless. ) I've had some convos w/married people & I walked away annoyed -- especially when they act as if their courtship was FLAWLESS from start to finish. It also tickles me, when they act as if their spouse always wanted to marry them (but that's another story for another time) of if they do right by their husband/wife. It takes everything in me to NOT say "don't get cute, because he FINALLY proposed to you...several years, 100 hints, a few children & 1,000s of tears later". Hell, you're not doing anything that nobody else has never done or can't do or doesn't wanna do. (my grandmother's words, not mine. She was a pistol, rest her soul. LOL) Some tend to act as if they've won a prize. I've heard "but he married ME tho!" from more than ONE adult female these past few years. God-forbid you take that from her. Marriage is something some don't seem to take seriously. It should be done when BOTH people are ready -- and not a minute sooner -- not because you feel pressured by friends/family/church/'Bridezilla' episodes. Marriage ain't for everybody. Being single isn't the end of the world. Either way, do whatchalike. (c) Digital Underground .-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Toast to the Single Life: Anti-Valentine's Day Cocktails =-.
Adrienne Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@Ms. P, I think you are right, a friend is a friend. Maybe my experience was just that way. I was trying to go out with them allllll the time and it was NOT good for my marriage lol. It was something I had to learn to control. .-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Happy 13th Anniversary =-.
{Ms. P} Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Well, as long as you LEARNED your lesson *taps hand* LOL :-P .-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Toast to the Single Life: Anti-Valentine's Day Cocktails =-.
Adrienne Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@ Ms.P LOL yes I did lol. It was a hard one to learn though lol. .-= Adrienne´s last blog ..Happy 13th Anniversary =-.
{Ms. P} Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Those are always the best. .-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Toast to the Single Life: Anti-Valentine's Day Cocktails =-.
Michael Eric Markland Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

It s natural for a married person- especially a black married woman- to think of herself as being better off than her unmarried peers. After all it is quite the accomplishment in an atmosphere of -Why the hell can't I find a good man?. A good marriage is a rare and wonderful thing in the black community. Single people especially women cannt help but to sense the euphoria and pride that married people unknowingly emanate in their expression of bliss. It's kind of like the homeowner and the renter; the level of confidence is evident and therefore the pride radiates in every which way that it finds expression. Being single is usually viewed to be a temporary state of a progressive persons life; assuming that person is interested in legal co-habitation, however there are men and women and who have resigned themselves to singlehood in lieu of engaging in the stresses of marriage and the obligations of being responsible for another person. To each his/her own. I am divorced at the present time but I still say "Marriage is all that" Love and peace
{Ms. P} Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@Michael: "assuming that person is interested in legal co-habitation". People tend to forget that part. IMO: being married doesn't necessarily mean you've found a good (wo)man, it just means you're MARRIED. lol .-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Toast to the Single Life: Anti-Valentine's Day Cocktails =-.
Christina Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I do not think that married people are better than single people, actually I have never even a difference in us married folk vs. those single people...lol...my friends are my friends. But after reading this post, you do make it seem like it is us vs. them...I totally disagree with you on this one but I love your opinion nonetheless.
Stacy Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Who knew so many would jump into this convo. It shows that Tara had a great idea for this conversation starter with her blog opinion. Good points from all, especially... "a friend is a friend." I'm glad my married friends didn't sell me short when I was single. They may have cut back on hanging out with me, but that was to be expected. "...the atmosphere of "Why can't I find a good man?" That's a mouthful right there! I did say I was almost 40 when I got married - lol!
Kenya Davis Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I am shocked that none of the responses talked about commitment. Before you make it to the alter their has to be a level of commitment. Once you leave the alter the commitment must remain and grow. I think that is where the problem lies. Its not about single over married, its about commitment.
MTM Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I honestly think we can deny it all we want or couch it in terms of 'commitment,' or 'difference,' but I think that fundamentally, many black married woman see themselves as having achieved something superior to their single counterparts. (note -- superior achievement, not superior person) Maybe because black marriage is so rare these days. Maybe because of the hard work and commitment marriage takes. But one thing I think we (married folks) forget is that all successful relationships take commitment. I know when I was single (by tax status, not by life status), I felt some kind of way about people thinking that my relationship wasn't as valid because it wasn't legally binding. So I can feel the single folks when they say that married people look down on them, because I have felt that way too. Ironically it was from people in terrible marriages who always and only referred to their husbands as "my husband," as if he were an object (Doesn't he have a name? I know he does, because I know his name. really.). It's a thin line between pride for what you have accomplished and disdain for others who, in your eyes, have not. And given the comments on the wifey post, I would say some of them crossed that line.
Harriet Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

The minute I read the title to this article, I was like "Uh-oh...Tara is about to get cussed out again." LOL Seriously, I don't lord my married state over my single friends' heads. There are positive aspects of both lifestyles, and I have respect for either one. I love my single friends just as much as I love my married ones. There's really no difference. However, I probably won't be prone to seek my single friends for wisdom regarding a marital issue, because they don't have the frame of reference. That's the only difference I can think of as far as how I treat my friends is concerned. GREAT topic, Tara! *waiting for the offensive comments to begin* LOL .-= Harriet´s last blog ..Paradise =-.
Tara Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@Harriet - I've been ducking since Lamar published the post this morning. So far it's been civil, but let's see how long that lasts. I have an uncanny ability to bring out the nasty in folks. I wish I didn't. :(
Tamara Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I must admit that when I was single, before I met my husband, I used to feel like I was treated as "inferior" or "less knowledgable about life" or "less grown" by my married peers. This was mostly in the church, so there may be an extra layer of....i dunno....superiority that goes with marriage there. Now that Im married, i dont think i herald myself any better than anyone else, married OR single. I respect everyone at whatever choice in life they are in. I think when people are secure in where they are, then they dont have to feel like someone else is thinking of them in a negative way just because of where they are in their life.
T. Rogers Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Why would any married person think they are better than a single person? Maybe that is a woman thing. Men don't go around flashing wedding rings like it is some rite of passage. We just acknowledge it as being a different phase of life. If I am married and an old high school buddy isn't I just see it as him and I being in different places personally. No one is better than the other. Now, do I see my marriage thus far as an accomplishment? Most definitely. Seven years of working diligently, sacrificing and putting the greater good of the two of us ahead of selfish impulses is an accomplishment. But that has nothing to do with anyone else. For that reason it does not give me any right to look down on anyone who is not part of the "fraternity.” Lastly, just as married people need not look down on single people for not being married. Single people need not look down on the institution of marriage because they have not seen any perfect marriages. Some want to throw out the entire institution because people can't live up to an ideal. If that's the case let's get rid of parenting, too. There will never be a perfect mother or father. Yet we acknowledge that good (but not great) parents are a net positive for society. Similarly, good (but not necessarily great) marriages are extremely valuable to society as well.
Kenya Davis Monday - 01 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I was married for 10 years ( early 20s) and in the relationship for a total of 13 years. Now I am single and in a committed relationship. The difference is now I am not as pressed to be married as I (he) was before. When you are truly happy, you don't need anyone to validate you or what you are doing.
Natasha Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Just stumbled across your site...love it! Anywhooo, I'm 36.85 years old, never married and I love being single, would love to be married, but in the meantime and between time, I'm going to enjoy this kind of freedom until I encounter the next. I think there are single and married folk who think that they are better than the other and I guarantee you that it doesn't have anything to do with the status...it's the individual. If you're a marriage/single snob...then you're probably just a snob. Most of my friends are married and I love that they love their marriages. It helps me keep my faith in who's to come, but it also helps me live my life like it's golden right now...so I can do the same thing when my "future" comes! Great post!
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I don't feel that way {that my husband and I are better than single people because of our marriage}, but I sometimes wonder if I make others feel like I am showing off my marriage by blogging about it. I often ask myself as I'm posting pictures and speaking lovingly about our Date Days and anniversaries and so on if it seems like I'm bragging, or if I'm hurting any of my single friends who are still seeking a love of their own. Especially when I get comments like "Are you trying to make me jealous JeLisa?" or "You're turning me into a hater!" that seem to be said in jest. In the back of my mind I wonder if there's any truth to them. .-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Inhaling Beauty • Exhaling Contentment =-.
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

But again, to clarify, I don't think I'm living a better life than they are in general - it's just a DIFFERENT life. Does my marriage bring me joy? Absolutely. But does that joy turn into feelings of pride and entitlement over others? Absolutely not. .-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Inhaling Beauty • Exhaling Contentment =-.
Aja Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

One thing I think is that while a good marriage is one of life's accomplishments, being married doesn't mean that you've accomplished everything in life. Sometimes, women especially, confuse the former with the latter and can come off sounding like they think they are superior.
simplyRed Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

As a married person, I have never even compared myself to my single friends. I think that people always think the grass is greener. I see my singles friends having more freedom . The I hear them talk and they really want to be married and/or ahve children. I enjoyed being single and love being married. Sometimes in families I hear the singles say that they get treated like second class citizens when they come for the holidays and are not married with kids.
Harriet Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

That "grass is greener" metaphor really gets people messed up. My mama told me, "Baby, that grass may actually BE greener...but that's probably because it's astroturf!" LOL Poignant words of wisdom for both married and single folks. .-= Harriet´s last blog ..Paradise =-.
Audrey Tuesday - 02 / 02 / 2010 Reply

(just food for thought, not pointing fingers, noone is at fault) Stopped by this blog and felt a need to respond. I love the phrase AJA used, some can come off sounding like they think they are superior (some not all). JeLisa, also stated something great about friends remarks and her inner feeling (your inner feelings usually alert you to pay attention to certain things). MTM put it kindly, some (not all) black married women may see themselves as having achieved something superior than the counterpart, the friend (especially w\the ratio of black women finding their mate). I am over 60th, married for 19 yrs, before becoming a single women and parent with three (1987); allowed me to experience both situation. I feel where the question is coming from; but I understand that it is an individual option. The word indicate that some will be married, and some will make a decision not to be married; but those who decide not to get married, should be willing to live a single life (feel good about yourself). I also feel that the married friend, have to be considered about the single friend when interacting with them alone or inviting them to events where there will be others (especially married women/couples); you have to make sure they feel included, rather than excluded. It is very important to present encouraging conversation, using positive communication/body language/ face gestures. Make sure they feel a part of and not an outsider (you guys understand what I am saying, you have been in one of those type of situations). God Bless_____
Anna Wednesday - 03 / 02 / 2010 Reply

23 Aja February 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm One thing I think is that while a good marriage is one of life’s accomplishments, being married doesn’t mean that you’ve accomplished everything in life. Sometimes, women especially, confuse the former with the latter and can come off sounding like they think they are superior. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I agree.
The Gentleman Wednesday - 03 / 02 / 2010 Reply

@ Adrienne and the board: "What constitutes doing 'SINGLE THINGS' versus doing 'MARRIED THINGS' & because some people are married does that mean that they don't still have 'SINGLE THOUGHTS'?" I just find it interesting when speaking to some married folk and beign a single person I love to hear about their experiences and appreciation for the "Secret Society" some view as marriage where its an option for everyone BUT only the select few enter. I ride a motorcycle in a club and some would say thats' a 'SINGLE THING' to do but I disagree. I believe that if 2 people truly and honestly love one another and cherish one another then going to the club or riding a motorcycle and being in club can be a 'MARRIED THING' as well as a 'SINGLE THING' and not be a stereotype and label that some married folk want to put on single folk. It seems to me that soo much more now than before that some married folk use the motorcycle thing and the going to the club thing as scare tactics to make single folk feel like they are not good enough to be married because of what their preference is for their extracurricular activities. Going to the club can be very much so a 'MARRIED THING' as it is a 'SINGLE THING' if you go for the right reason. I enjoy dancing to any genre of music so if I were married and my reason for going to the club is to fellowship with my male friends/family and enjoy the music and dance within the respectful confines of my marriage (if I were married) then does that make it a 'SINGLE THING' or a 'MARRIED THING' or both?
busybodyk Thursday - 04 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I'm proud to be married but I don't look down on people who aren't. When it comes to situations where I can count on my spouse to back me up, I feel bad that my single friends don't have that but I don't look down on them. I know there are times when they are glad that they don't have a partner and may feel sorry for me.
Biculturalwifenmom Saturday - 06 / 02 / 2010 Reply

Amen @ T.Rogers I love all my friends and really just want them to be happy, whether that be happily single, happily shacked up, happily permanently engaged, or happily married, as long as they truly are happy and feel loved and supported. I loved being single, love being married, neither is better, but they are different. I do have to admit though when I was single I hated sometimes feeling (particularly in situations where women far outnumbered men) like I was competing for Best in Show, like who could look the foofiest with the shiniest coat and could do more tricks for a treat. The difference in having a loving committed partner (married or not) is that I know for him I'm always the Best in Show, and Only in Show for that matter. And in that case, I don't mind doing tricks for treats *wink*. And I still try to keep my coat fairly shiny. I also agree with Harriet that I love my single friends but also acknowledge that we are in different places in life. So yes I love them and will continue to maintain our friendships but no I generally won't ask them for advice on making a marriage work long term or other issues that they have yet to experience. Just like I wouldn't ask a bike mechanic how to fix my car. Yes you know how to fix a moving vehicle, but not the one I'm dealing with. Similar concept, different machine.
Nikki M Sunday - 07 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I think married people recognize that relationships among single people are very different from marriage. It's not a matter of thinking we are better; instead, it's a recognition that our relationships have (hopefully) taken on a different and deeper dimension once we are married. There's nothing in the single life that resembles marriage, and single people don't often understand or value that difference.
queenae Sunday - 07 / 02 / 2010 Reply

seems like there are some married people who want to be single again and some single people who want to be married. I don't think married people think they are better. Single people have a huge challenge with dating nowadays. Married people have a different but also huge challenge just to stay married. Relationships are hard period and really its hard to walk in the other person's shoes so we just have to find contentment in the place that we are as our relationships evolve...and respect one another
ruby128 Friday - 12 / 02 / 2010 Reply

I think what happens is that sometimes if you're not married then you and/or your relationship doesn't appear to be as relevant as a married couple. Without looking at thge bigger picture, some people rudely dismiss a loving relationship - which is possible without the ring, in fact having a loving relationship happens way before the ring, and somehow that gets lost in the translation.
jo mama Saturday - 06 / 11 / 2010 Reply

All married people are a divorce away from being single....they should remember that always.
- Shantellrenee Friday - 03 / 06 / 2011 Reply
  
  To Jo Mama, I could not agree with u more. Of all the people that I know that are married, honestly I don't expect those people to remain married 10 yrs. from now, or even 3 yrs from now. So u r right, married people need to get off their high horse and remember although no one enters a marriage looking for it to end, the truth of the matter is half of all American marriages end in divorce.
Ms_tia Tuesday - 26 / 04 / 2011 Reply

Jo mamma sounds ike a hater...are you dissatisfies with your romantic life?
Yana Friday - 03 / 06 / 2011 Reply

Wow @ Shantel! What a negative thing to say?! Hopefully you weren't a part of any of these folks wedding parties. I know I wouldn't have wanted any of my attendants, or guest for that matter, to view my marital future that way. Marriage is difficult enough without having folks secretly hoping/thinking that you will fail at it. @oregon_beach_girl:disqus In response to the topic though, there is some truth behind this. When my cousin got married I watched her rub her marriage in her single sister and my other single cousins face some kinda terrible. Even though her marriage was a complete sham behind closed doors (she tells me alot, so I was privy to what the real deal was). Fast forward three years later and she is single again and has traded places with her sister who is now in a serious relationship that is headed to the altar. I guess the moral of the story is anybody's situation can change in the blink of an eye, the rich can go broke, the healthy can get sick, the gainfully emplyed can be fired/layed off and the married can become single again, so to walk around with an arrogant attitude about whatever plight you are at in life is foolish. Knowing that you are blessed and being thankful for it is one thing, but looking down on others becasue they aren't where you are at is another.
Successyesall Friday - 01 / 07 / 2011 Reply

This author is so dishonest. She DOES think/feel being married is BETTER than being in a regular relationship. I have seen MANY couples that weren't legally husband and wife treat each other so much better and have a much better relationship than the majority of western married couples. Marriage has NOT always been a legal issue and since it has it has created the who is "single" and not gap that is bull. Now a days people can be 100% OUT of the relationship but still be legally "married" until the divorce is final. Married people especially women like to point out how different their relationship is because they are married. A relationship is just that the COUPLE defines it. Laws are laws and not all laws are right but we go by them because they are laws. I love how people pick and choose as long as it fits them.
GP Thursday - 01 / 03 / 2012 Reply

Married men are everywhere dating women who are not their wives. I would rather be a wife than a girlfriend but having been single and pursued by soooo many married men (I say no), I know better to think that "I'm better off" because I am married. He always thinks he is dating and shopping for a better deal. When the kids are young, he might not let you know this. Men are self serving. They need sex, food, companionship, household chores done (men will not do their share and will not apologize for not doing their share). They don't care where they get these things but many men want their wives at home working hard in devotion to them. Still, I would not be someone's girlfriend for more than 2.5 years. But I would not think I had it made as a wife. Being a wife is a lot of work for a small increase in status and security. If you hang in there for 40 years, it pays off big if he's a man of means but if that is why you are there, it might be better to work hard and invest.
Interested Monday - 05 / 03 / 2012 Reply

I think it depends on alot of things...Unfortunately some people get married after cheating on a previous spouse together...I mean , how can you be proud of that? I think it depends on how you entered into your marrital bliss...Did you take someone else's spouse? If you did, you can't make your action right by getting married to each other...Do you think the kids, and neighbors will forget? NOT...The kids will probably be traumatized...If this is nothing to be proud of...although everyone makes mistakes...Please donot think you are better than single folks if this is how you got married....this happens too often in this society and it is a shame...