Gwen’s Journey: Finding a “Good” Man
I am so sick of the media pitting black women against black men and us allowing ourselves to succumb to such nonesense. The fact is that the two most unmarried demographics in America are black women and Asian men. Yet, I don’t see the media holding roundtable discussions on national news shows to “explore” why Asian women may be increasingly marrying other races due to a lack of “good Asian men”. Furthermore, I have yet to see the same discussions on why white women have just as hard of a time finding a good man. These shows only focus on the “plight” of African Americans. Women of all races, for decades, have complained about how hard it is to find a good man, not just a good black man. This is not a “black” issue…it’s a human issue. We have got stop being so quick to believe the images and stories that are shown.
The first order of business is that we have to 1. stop allowing these “specials” to occur by ceasing our participation in them and 2. stop watching them and falling for the crap. The Macombs and Shaw theory of agenda setting (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agenda-setting_theory) tells us that media doesn’t tell us what to think outright, but it does tell us what to think about. So if we incessantly hear about how there are no good black men, how all the good ones are incarcerated, how black women have to turn to other races for companionship, etc., we begin to think about these things, and thus the agenda has been set for us, thereby inadvertently, telling us what to think. Come on people, we’ve got to get smarter.
I have never in my life had a problem finding a “good black man”. I have had boyfriends aplenty and dated regularly, and I have never ever dated a “bad black man”. If a woman chooses to settle for a man who lacks character, it doesn’t matter if he’s black, white, blue or green…that is her fault and her fault alone. Have I had bad relationships? Of course, who hasn’t? But the men themselves weren’t bad people; they just weren’t good for me. Despite many men (not just black men) being in jail, I find it hard to believe I am an anomaly when it comes to a woman finding a good black man.
Perhaps I had the advantage of seeing what a good man is all my life. My father and I have never once had a “birds and bees” conversation. He has only given me one piece of advice when it comes to men and that one piece of advice was all that was needed. He said, “If your man can’t treat you just as well or better than I do, you need to find another man who can.” True that.
Since when does a “good man” mean that he has a degree? And since when has someone’s ability to be the man of his household been determined by how fat his pockets are?
Let me explain something here: anybody can get a degree. And this is coming from someone who has a bachelor’s and dual master’s degrees. Provided you are financially able to tackle the number of years it takes to get that piece of paper and you can keep your grades up enough not to get kicked out, getting a degree isn’t difficult. And anyone who has gone through college at least once knows that a college degree does not guarantee you financial stability once you have walked across that stage. I hear my girls gripe all the time about how they can’t find a black man with a degree. And? Bill Gates didn’t graduate and I don’t see Melinda complaining one bit. It might increase one’s earning power, but earning power and actually earning are two different things. Ask anyone who has been laid off due to the economy.
This is not to discount any of us who spent the extensive time and energy required to obtain a post-secondary education, but a degree does not make a man.The better assessment of a man is: what is that man going to do to provide for his family and his woman? I know quite a few men (black, white, Asian and Hispanic) who have degrees but are currently unable to find a job in his field due to the poor economy. And many of those men’s egos are unwilling to let them take a lesser paying position, because they have degrees and, therefore, feel entitled to a higher paying position. Now, that to me does not constitute a good man. In my opinion, a man does what he has to do, within legal and moral limits, to get where he needs to go and take care of his woman and his family. Additionally, someone’s level of intellect is not determined by their number of degrees, or lack thereof. If a man can start a business, run it and make it successful, that itself tells me a lot more about their smarts and drive, than the fact that someone may have attended four classes a day for four years in order to obtain an expensive piece of paper.
Likewise, I hear women saying they have to find a brother who makes six figures, yet, they don’t even make six figures themselves. What kind of crap is that? And just who do they think they are to list demands that they don’t even meet? Moreover, money is fleeting. That man making six figures could easily get laid off next week and be relying on unemployment. What do these ladies expect to do in such a scenario? Leave him and find another six figure man to take care of them? A person can be blessed enough to have his/her steps ordered in such a way where they make a lot of money. What they do with that money is more important, and again, another true test of what a real man is. Does he make 90k a year and have no investments, no home of his own, but has lot of fly gear and a sweet vacation twice a year? A real man knows how to handle his money…whether he makes 25k a year or 250k a year. I know men who make well over six figures, but have nothing to show for it other than clothes and cars. Conversely, I know men who make less than 50k a year and are cleaning up in the stock market.
My issue is that so many black women focus on the current and what’s on the surface. We always hear women say “I need a man with good credit”, “I need a man with a good job”. What about “I need a man with good character”? He can buy you the sun and moon but if he’s cheating and beating on you, all the degrees and money in the world aren’t going to compensate. Think about this: Michelle was the breadwinner of the Obama family for the first ten years of their marriage. Personally, if I have to be, I don’t mind being the breadwinner. It’s all going to the same household anyway. I once read a quote by Mrs. O in which she was asked for dating advice for women. She said, “Pay closer attention to what’s in his heart than what’s in his wallet.”
Here’s what a good man entails for me: compassion, charity, faith, drive, resilience, respect for his mother (trust, if he calls his momma out of her name, you aren’t far behind), respect for others, patience, tolerance, the ability and willingness to teach and be taught, and puts me before himself. I can go on and on, but no where in my list will you find that a man has to have a degree and a Swiss bank account to win my affections.
I don’t need any man’s money, I have my own. But I am not silly enough to say I don’t need a man. (Think about it: when have you ever heard a man say he doesn’t need a woman? Never. Men don’t say such absurdities; that’s something we women preach to one another.) Being independent and needing someone are mutually exclusive. I make my own money, I can take care of me all by myself. But I most definitely need my fiancé’s love. He is the butter to my bread and I know I have a “good” man who meets the criteria my father laid out for me. Any money he has or degree he may hold has absolutely nothing to do with why I am with him. Likewise, any money he doesn’t have or degree he may not hold would have never kept me from being with him. His character and his drive are more valuable than anything. I once didn’t want to work at an old job. I hated the place. I called him one day from that job, fed up. He told me to quit; that he would hold us down and I could freelance from home if I wanted. That if he needed to, he would get second job to make up the difference. Just like that. Now, that may sound silly to some people, but to me, that let me know I have a man who 1. supports me 2. finds my happiness to be vital to our happiness and 3. he will do what he has to do to take care of us.
Now, that to me is a sign of a good man and I thank God each day that I have one.
Comments (20)
I have been married twelve years to a wonderful family man who loves God . He earned his MBA before we married and during our marriage he has had great jobs with high income AND he has also been laid off three times making nothing but unemployment (due to situations beyond his control). Never once did I look down on him because of his reduced income, because I know we are a team, and during those times I needed to step up my earnings to make do-- just as he did for me when I wanted to stay home when our kids were young. Real relationships take team work , patience and compassion. Money comes and goes. Looks fade. Lust wanes.
I believe so many young women do not know to look for a man who is marriage minded, kind, morally upright and is a natural provider. Instead, many focus on the romantic rush, good looks and flash.
More of us would be married if we recognized that character is more sustainable.