Am I That Friend?

Lifestyle

by Lamar Tyler | on March 3rd, 2010 | 18 comments

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Lately, my conversations with my girlfriends have been going a little something like this:

Me: Why didn’t you call me to hang out?

Them: Girl, we knew you would be busy with your family?

Me, a little disappointed. Am I that friend? The friend who can’t hang out anymore because of the family. The one no one calls, and forgets all about because she’s married. The one who everyone assumes will never do anything spur of the moment. My time with my girls has dwindled down to birthday dinners every blue moon. Last weekend I watched as my husband proceeded with all his plans, playing golf and going to parties with his buddies all while I was home with the children. I started to feel frustrated and upset with him until I realized it wasn’t about him. He never asked me to stop making plans with my friends. I guess I thought that married mothers had to limit the amount of time spent with friends. Now where I got that from, I don’t know. What I learned is that I need that time. Not having that outlet only brings resentment towards my husband. My new plan, at least twice a month, is to spend time with my girls. They might be stunned to hear this. But yes, I still like to go out and have a glass of wine, I still want to hang out at someone’s house and yes I want to go to an occasional party. I just don’t want to be that friend.

BMWK, Can anyone relate? What’s too much, in your opinion, when it comes to hanging out with friends? How do you manage your family time, with girlfriend/ guy time?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.brownandbridal.com busybodyk

First, I make it clear that I would like to be invited even though there will be times when I can come. I also make an effort to make plans with my friends. I don’t wait for them to invite me out. When I have the time I call them and ask them to hang out.
MTM

I’m right there with you! I miss my social life a little. My husband’s is still active. I think I set myself up for it though by making myself seem unavailable.
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TCB

I am that person! I need to become more effective at planning time away b/c not doing this will only bring about resentment. But really, some of the proposed places by some friends of mine are nothing more than meat markets! I have no desire to be part of that scene and all of the hassle that goes with it.
Candis

I was the total party girl before I had my son and got married! You know how some people think you outgrow going out?!?! I still love a good night out and so does my hubby! So once a month we play babysitter so the other can go out and party. I don’t think anything is wrong with it. I will go so far to say that it’s healthy. We each come back feeling young and recharged. We’re in our 30′s so the venues have changed, but there’s nothing wrong with a night on the town with friends. I never wanted to be that friend that stopped receiving the phone calls. Make the effort and tell your friends how important it is for you to feel included.
Tiya

Busybodyk, I am going to start doing that, calling my friends when I have the time to go out, thanks for that!

MTM, that’s exactly what I’ve done, now I have to turn that around.

TCB, that was part of the issue, I don’t like clubs, cause I pretty much know why everyone is there, and I’m just over that scene.

Candis, I like the playing babysister. My husband and I will have to add that. I am planning on letting them know not to leave me out. Thanks girl!
http://ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

I can relate to this. I always said I wouldn’t be “that friend” but it has been hard not to become that friend recently. It’s not always just because I feel like I should be in the house. Sometimes its really just because I’m tired and when I have some time to myself I would rather catch up on sleep or other things I need to do than party.

I’m trying to make it a point to do things with friends, even if it is just working out or meeting up for a few after work. It’s hard though, and I don’t think it has so much to do with my husband than it does the kids, but I do notice in general that men seem to stay more active and in touch with friends after the kids.
Tiya

Aja, I think you hit the nail on the head, it is more so the kids. But I think the friends chalk it up to the husband. But children will wear you out. And for me personally, I sometimes feel guilty when I’m out. I have daughters, so I don’t know if that makes a difference too.
Shaun

I’m not that friend but it is hard to try to get together with the girls! I miss and need that girl time. All of my friends for the most part are married w/ kids and have busy schedules. I do as well. So, a lot of times I’m the one calling to catch up. It’s just hard anymore.
Bicultural wifenmom

Yeah I am definitely that friend now, not only did I always hate clubbin and super late nights (my group generally did the dinner thing or movie night or just ordering take-out and cracking each other up til 3 am); but my friends are spread out all over the country, so when they make plans its like, “we’re all going to NYC/Napa Valley/Vegas can you go?” So I’m really out of the loop. Plus we moved to a new city so with wifin’ mommyin’ and workin’ I don’t have time to make new friends either, so I basically just keep in touch with my only close married friend, who is also out of the loop since she got hitched. Luckily we have good conversations.
Tiya

Shaun it’s good to hear from the other point of view.

wifenmom, I have a group of friends like that too, who travel all the time (like all star weekends) , and a couple of them are married with kids and I definitely can’t do too many girls’ vacation, but I wonder how they do it.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

So far, I’ve been blessed with a beautiful balance …but I often wonder if that’ll change once we’ve got kids. Mostly on my part – will I begin to resent it when my husband goes and plays video games or whatever with the guys when I’m home with the kids?

Who knows, but for now, we have a great balance and have been able to maintain our friendships.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Relaxation, Rejuvenation…Romance? =-.
Tiya

JeLisa, enjoy your beautiful balance, I think that is awesome!
saraileads

Tiya- can you please write a post on In-Laws. I would love to hear some insight on how to deal with the in-laws and rules of helping set positive boundaries for the family outside of your family (if that makes sense). I love your posts…keep up the good work.
Tiya’

Thank you so much Saraileads! That does make sense and I will definitely start putting some thought into that. It really is a great topic suggestion.
cocoamommy

I’m there with you. No one put the rule in place I guess I made it my own rule after becoming a mom. His activities have not ceased and after years it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I need to get a life outside of my home duties. Now my plans are with other married moms who want to have a good time when we are all free. I also plan lunch dates to catch up because talking at home gets really hectic with homework, dinner and bedtime.
SHARRI

Wow I am relieved to see that it is not just me! My hubby just left a while ago to hang out with his friends. I am home with the kids, fussing, getting baths and snacks and bedtime going on. Frustrated and resentful-yes. I try not to be, but it is hard!
Of course, like you pointed out, Tiya, he never told me to stop hanging out with my friends. But, he kinda did move me to this island where I have no friends to hang out with anyway, so the question is moot. So, I spend a lot of time on the phone talking with my relatives and friends who are also mothers. My single friends have more or less relegated me to Facebook Family status! Arrgh!
Tiya’

CocoaMommy & Sharri, I’m noticing it is a common theme amongst us moms. Cocoamommy, I notice I am doing the same thing in making plans with other moms, and planning events that include kids and husband too and these last couple of weeks, I’m like I have got to do something with my friends. Sharri, it is important to be able to get out and get that release, we all need that time just for us.

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