Can You Stand the Rain?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on March 10th, 2010 | 13 comments

lonelywoman

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

My former coworker gave birth to her baby sixteen weeks early, at the end of her fifth month of pregnancy. He was only one pound, six ounces, and was smaller in length than a ballpoint pen. That was nearly three years ago, and her little boy still suffers from a myriad of problems ranging from cerebral palsy to life-threatening food allergies.

In talking to her the other day she told me that he has had more than 150 doctor’s appointments in the past year. While he has come a long way since birth, he will always be a special needs child, and she and her husband may be faced with providing care for him for the rest of his life. She is unable to work because of his various conditions, so she and her family of five are living off of her husband’s salary of less than $30,000 a year.

Listening to her speak I felt grateful. Not in that “I’m glad my problems aren’t as bad as yours” type of way. Instead I felt grateful to be able to be able to see the strength of someone living under constant difficult circumstances that is still able to talk about her husband with love, and her family with optimism. Instead of using her situation as an excuse to lash out at those around her, she draws from their strength to be able to keep going.

Our conversation made me pause and think about the way that I treat my own family. My salary has recently been cut significantly, and I am preparing to be laid off at the end of the week. In dealing with the stress of financial instability, I often shift my focus to thinking about what I don’t have. I know that I have allowed stress to affect how I deal with my husband and children, viewing my family at times as more of a burden than a blessing.

My coworker helped me to realize that no matter how difficult my situation is, it would be unthinkably more difficult if I did not have my husband there to support me or the love from my children to help get me through the day. Because of this I have decided to make a conscious effort to speak positivity into the lives of my husband and children daily. I know that it is unrealistic that I will never feel down during a difficult time, but if I continue to bless my family in the same way that I have been blessed, I know that we will be able to make it through the days ahead.

Are you able to keep from lashing out on your family during difficult times? How do you keep stress from affecting the relationship between you and your children or spouse?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Visit her at http://ajadorseyjackson.com/about.html or follow her on twitter @ ajajackson.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://Edwardclee.com Edward

Great reflective post! Few think of the “worse” part of “for better or for worse”. But when the tough times that could not have been imagined before getting married come, it takes a real commitment to endure. Thanks for sharing and giving us a moment to reflect on our own marriage – praying for your friend too.
http://stellarsassysocial.blogspot.com {Ms. P}

And to think, people lash out for MUCH less. I’m glad they’re handling the situation well.

I wish them all the best.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Washington City Paper: Best of DC 2010 =-.
http://www.mochadad.com Mocha Dad

Sometimes the stress of work causes me to lash out at my family. But they are good at calling me out when my behaviour is out of line. I quickly apologize and make amends. I try not to get too wrapped up in things that happen to me because I realize that many people in the world have it much worse.
.-= Mocha Dad´s last blog ..The Secret to Raising Smart Kids =-.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Shoot…my family and I have gone through YEARS of instability. I used to lash out every time something went wrong. Thank God they were understanding and forgiving. Now, I’ve come to the realization that if we’re not dead or homeless, then I’ve got an awful lot to be grateful for. I understand that lashing out is not going to resolve anything, so I’ve learned to “laugh it out.”

GREAT article, Aja! I know things will work together for your good! We gotta keep moving to make it happen!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Introduce Yourself to Yourself! =-.
Mom of 3

I really enjoyed this post. I have been really frustrated with my kids for several months now, and it isn’t anything they are doing, I’m just tired. I have been praying that God allow me to enjoy my kids more and help me not to lash out at them because I’m stressed and tired. With the spring and summer months approaching, I am hoping to be able to spend more time with them outside doing things they want to do. It is really admirable that in the face of all that is going on around Aja’s friend, she continues to draw her strength from her family and especially her husband.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara @ The Young Mommy Life

This is very powerful. I have to learn to be grateful for the things that are going well in my life and not flip out over the little things that make me upset.

Yesterday, for example, my son needed more diapers and wipes at daycare. After working all day and doing a pretty strenuous exercise routine at lunch, I was BEAT! I wanted my husband to go to the store for me, but of course he didn’t. I was so upset that I had to get dressed, get in the car, drive to the store, etc. But I had to stop and think: Does he NOT take the kids to school every day AND pick them up AND handle most of the doctor’s appointments? Does he NOT get down on the floor and play with them while I’m blogging or writing or cooking or cleaning? He is a GREAT husband and I am LUCKY to have him. We’ve gotta cut each other some slack and be happy with the lives we lead. Great post Aja and I know everything will work out for your good.
.-= Tara @ The Young Mommy Life´s last blog ..Princess and the Frog DVD Giveaway =-.
Shayla

Great post Aja!! It definitely puts things in perspective when you think about things that others are going through. You think, wow, my situation is not that bad and just like Harriet said, if you are not dead or homeless or hungry, your life is ok. I often think about my cousin who has been in the same situation as Aja’s friend. She gave birth to a little boy 7 years ago, he too was 1lb and there was a moment when they told her and her husband that he wasnt going to make it and to get the family together because he was as good as gone, all they had to do was give him some medicine and he would go quietly. My aunt was home when she got the call and in the blizzard of February 2003, she made her way back to the hospital just when they were going to give him the medicine and told them that that is not how he going to leave this earth, we will continue to pray that he will live. And he did, not with out a lot of medical problems, he never has walked or even really talked, but he is the sweetest little boy ever and couldnt imagine life without him. So, in thinking about them quite often, I am reminded of all the wonderful blessings that I have and that things could be worse. I do sometimes stress about things that I can not change, and things that I want to happen right now, but I have to remember that I am on God’s time, not anyone elses and when he is ready for things to happen, they will happen. In the meantime, I have a wonderful husband and a great family and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/ Ronnie

Thanks for the post Aja…it definitely helps to put things into perspective. When I am stressed, I have to take a time out from whatever I am doing. If the kids are stressing me, it is usually because I am rushing to do something and they want attention. Sometimes I have to just let the chores go and sit down on the family room floor with them.

@Mom of 3 I think you have the right idea..taking the kids for a walk or to the park or just playing in the yard for a few minutes each day is great!!
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Former NBA Star Allan Houston Talks About The Importance of Marriage =-.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

What an amazing lesson to learn.

It is all about reflection and the lens through which you view your life. I admire her strength and positivity and am humbled to be as strong and positive as she is.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..The Sweetest Little Things =-.
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement.

@Mocha Dad, I think being able to recognize why you are getting stressed/ upset can be so important. Of course there are going to be times that you react in ways that aren’t the best, but knowing to apologize quickly is something that I know I need to work on.

@ Ronnie- I completely agree with the stress from kids usually coming from me sometimes just needing to take a time out for them. I can get so wrapped up in the house or whatever else that I’m doing that I feel like they are stressing me out when they are just being kids. I’m trying to take more time just to enjoy them.
http://www.thesoulmom.com TheSoulMom

I have had some recent challenges… as it seems a lot of people have as well. And I must say that my husband has been quite the rock for me. He keeps me grounded and lets me know if I am starting to act a lil’ crazy. He makes sure to check in with me to make sure that I am okay emotionally. I use that stregnth to help me through. But being stressed does make it difficult at times to deal with the children. During those times when I feel extra stressed, I’ll leave them with my husband while I regroup… take a bath… get on the treadmill or watch my favorite DVR’d show.
Pitch Black (215)

I appreciate reading your article. The circumstances of the family offered me an opportunity to reflect on my situation and be grateful for the ability to find ways to manage presented lifes challenges. To address the question posed, I dont think anyone can totally avoid stress or stress-related conditions. I do think communicating feeling puts stress in perspective and prevents anyone from believing or thinking they are the cause, means or reason for the discomfort (unless they are). I have learned to take ownership for my feeling and express it; i encourage those in my nucleus to do the same. This often allows use to commit and explore solutions towards eleviating or reducing the stressor.
http://none Ruby Griffin

Yes.right now i’m stress free…but there was a time,when i complain about this, and that all the time,i blame everybody for my failer,until i finally notice,who was to blame but self…when i became ill,and stay in the hospital,i has to walk around to built up my strenght…and what i seen made me appreciate life,and i started focus on my surrounding of my family…and i ask god to forgive me of my selfish way,and i thank god for the blessing of my family,cause it could have been worst…i didn’t have no problem,back in the days,i just didn’t know any better, cause they was all tiny…now i’m enjoying loving self,respect family,and living life….

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