Dear New Girl: I Don’t Like You. Don’t Take It Personal.

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on March 17th, 2010 | 16 comments

angrywomen

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

Once upon a time there lived a wife. She and her husband would often hang out with the husband’s friends and their wives or significant others. The wife enjoyed this as she got along well with the women and had developed friendships with several of them.

One day one of the couples splits up, which saddens the wife because their split means that she will likely see less of the other wife/friend. Enter the new woman. The wife does not like the new woman. Now not only does the wife not really care for the new woman simply because she is still friends with the previous woman, she really just doesn’t like the new woman. She misses the days when she could invite her husband’s friend and his wife to an event together without having to worry about her allegiance to one half or the other.

Does this story sound familiar? I know it has happened to me on more than one occasion in my own life. Just as I have developed a love for my husband’s family as our marriage progresses, I have also grown to care about his friends. When a couple in the circle breaks up, those left standing are faced with the task of adapting to the new changing group dynamics.

How do you handle another couple’s break up? Are you able to maintain a friendship with both parties, or do you pick a side? What do you do when you don’t get along with the new man or woman.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Visit her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

https://www.createspace.com/3430012 Harriet

Thankfully, this hasn’t happened at all in our circle of friends. Hopefully it never will, but I’m interested in hearing how others handle this dynamic. Great article, Aja…I never thought about this!
http://www.cisterspeak.com Candi

This has happened to me before. It was EXTREMELY uncomfortable in the beginning especially because I was mad at my friend because he was in the wrong. Unfairly I initially had my own bias and didn’t care for the new girl at all. However, I hid my dislike and tried my best to be civil. Luckily enough she lived up to my expectations and I no longer needed to put any effort into it.

But my situation is different in that the way their relationship started was shady from the beginning and I had that “what goes around, comes around” mentality when it came to them. It was just like in “Why did I get Married” when he rolled up with that woman on his arm and everyone was like uhhhh…”where’s your wife???”

If the breakup is a mutual one, I would like to believe that my behavior and views would have been vastly different.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..Product Review: Hydratherma Naturals =-.
http://none Ruby Griffin

It’s just simply ,I be they friend,but i want get to close for comfort…I allow myself space to breath,so i could adapted to any way the wind blow…Yes,i would be able to maintain a friendship with both,cause from the beginning,I be real,i will not put no more into it ,then what i receive back out of it…if it come to the point,that i can’t get along with either one…I do my distance thing,but i will not burn the bridge down,that i can’t come back across it…
Mrs. Dickey

I can’t help but laugh when I read this article cause I can relate oh so well…. If you truly don’t like the new person outside the fact that they’re not the old person, then there’s no need to socialize with the new person. Cause truth is…. he/she is NOT your friend. You only know this person because his/her significant other is your husband’s friend. You will meet many people in life, and everyone that you meet is not your friend. There’s nothing wrong with being civil to keep the peace in group settings, but being civil and being cool with someone are two totally different things. And if you befriended the old person, there’s nothing wrong with maintaining that friendship – you just need to be mindful of who to invite what to. And your husband your be mindful of your feelings towards other people when extending invitations because YOU are his wife.. YOU and your feelings trump EVERYONE else!
Terrific

Good Post! Well, I had that situation not too long ago. I’m friends with both persons, I’d actually known the guy a couple years longer. To see him with someone else made me feel uncomfortable. Not necessarily that he was with a new girl really, moreso, he was with a new girl so soon post breakup. I suppose I needed time to grieve over my friends relationship. For my homie, I did try to get to know the new girlfriend with much trepidation, but in the end, it just didn’t feel right. The new girl by herself was okay, but with him, not so much.

Another couple, it got to the point where I would still hang out with the guy but not tell her. Or he’d invite me to a gathering, and I wouldn’t tell her I was going or I’d tell her after the fact.
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

@ Mrs. Dickey- I agree. There is no need to be rude in my opinion, but at the same time, I don’t need to be everyone’s friend. It just makes life a lot easier when you like someone that you have to spend a good amount of time with.
TCB

Well, I would treat the new significant other cordially because at the end of day their break up did not inflict any personal harm on me. I think one has to be cautious with taking sides and letting that influence their opinion, because there are always three sides to a breakup story (What he said, what she said and the truth). I would just be mindful of who to invite to what, etc.
Shayla

I can soooo relate!! Presently, it is one of my friends has a current significant other that I can not stand so anyone would be an improvement. But I agree with everyone, you are not required to make all of your spouses friends your BFF’s. It is nice if you have some things in common that way they aren’t too out of place. There are probably some people that I would definitely prefer not to hang out with, but I do. I am willing to compromise to a point, but trust and believe, if I was totally unhappy with having someone around, I would definitely be voicing, my concerns, just like Mrs. Dickey said MY feeling trump EVERYONE !!!

Great Article Aja!!
Tiya

Aja, I have been here. It wasn’t a married couple fortunately, but they were dating for a few years, and we did all love doing the couple thing. Here’s the thing, both people were friends of mine. The guy I had gone to college with but he also became a good friend of my husbands and the woman became one of my closest friends after meeting her at work. I introduced the two. The guy was awful and after the break up, I couldn’t stand him and didn’t want him around anymore, but my husband had to keep reminding me that their breakup had absolutely nothing to do with us, and I shouldn’t treat him any differently. The guy did start a new relationship with a woman, that I had made up in my mind I wasn’t going to like, but I found this extremely hard to do after I met her. She’s sweet as pie. So somehow, it’s working. We can all be at the same gatherings and have a good time. My girlfriend has gotten over the relationship and she is cool with the guy now.
Anna

Why do people expect you to pick sides after a breakup/divorce? It’s human nature if we know why the couple split up to automatically not want to like the new person, i.e. Is the new person the reason for the breakup? I am sure John Edwards is not trying to parade the mother of his daughter around his circle of friends, and if he is shame on him. Why make others feel uncomfortable after your tackiness. LOL.
http://none Ruby Griffin

on your first dates,of your first conversation,you’re being monitor between yourself….and if you’ll determine,that it’s going to be a second dates…that where the picking sides begin,…why?…from the introducing your dates,to your friends,and family…and then you start talking to much,putting your business,out there on front street…in a marriage.over time,we forget the tiny thing that brought us together,and we start taking our marriage for granted,we got to comfortable within ourselves,and when we look around, where have the time went…our hair are gray,our face are wrinkler,our step are shorter,but where is the love? where did it go? we just let, the love slip away for being afraid of change….when someone else step into our comfort zone,and gave us a little extra attention…we woke up,and face reality,that the fact of life,is what we control,so who do we blame,but self…to afraid to get out of that boxes…. a men, don’t like carrying guilt on his shoulder,so why not be it on someone else shoulder…
Lolly

This will be very hard to handle. Usually, the friendship will not be like before because those pictures of the interesting times with the ex-spouse will keep flashing in your memory.
Ladee Jolly

Very good article. I’ve been in the situation before and I was just civil to the new girl. After a while, my husband asked why I didn’t like her and i said I felt disloyal to my friend. But as time goes on, Im getting friendlier with the new girl, but I still maintain my original friendship. When the first girl girl asks about information about the new relationship, i fib a little and play like I don’t know anything.
http://www.totallifeprosperityblog.com Total Life Prosperity

I’m not married but something similar happened when I remained friends with my ex’s friends once we broke up. It was very awkward at times but I’d developed relationships with them independent of my boyfriend. Thankfully my ex and I are back together but now our friends say they never cared for the “new” people we dated in-between because they knew it wasn’t serious but they were always respectful and they never took sides.
.-= Total Life Prosperity´s last blog ..Love Lockdown: How to Date and Stay Saved + GIVEAWAY! =-.
Karen

Interesting comments with a range of opinions! I’ve been there because I have been the ‘new girl’ for about 10 years now and its only gotten easier with some of the family members. I came into the relationship after my husband (now) had divorced his ex-wife after 3 years of marriage and 1 child. Well needless to say, this very large family had grown very attached to her and by the time my unbeknownst, naive self came into the picture, I assumed everyone would accept me. WRONG! I did not know about the ‘warm, tender, established’ bonds that had been created with the ex. So I took all the cold shoulders and rude comments personally. It has taken some 10 years to win some over and some just ‘tolerate’ me. We all have a past and when that wonderful, prince charming says, “Come to our family picnic”! And the family starts eyeing you…just remember…they’re making the comparison between Donna, Linda and YOU!”
http://deleted Karen

Interesting comments with a range of opinions! I’ve been there because I have been the ‘new girl’ for about 10 years now and its only gotten easier with some of the family members. I came into the relationship after my husband (now) had divorced his ex-wife after 3 years of marriage and 1 child. Well needless to say, this very large family had grown very attached to her and by the time my unbeknownst, naive self came into the picture, I assumed everyone would accept me. WRONG! I did not know about the ‘warm, tender, established’ bonds that had been created with the ex. So I took all the cold shoulders and rude comments personally. It has taken some 10 years to win some over and some just ‘tolerate’ me. We all have a past and when that wonderful, prince charming says, “Come to our family picnic”! And the family starts eyeing you…just remember…they’re making the comparison between Donna, Linda and YOU!”