BMWK Couple’s Spotlight: “The Lindseys”

We are in for a special treat as high school sweethearts, Shaun and Arlice Lindsey, share with us how they were able to appreciate each other’s differences and maintain a delicate balance of give and take in their happy 12 year marriage.

Shaun and I are both 32 with four kids-3 girls and a boy. Named them all after the elements and the earth, but didn’t win that battle with my son. We will have been married 12 years this coming June. We’re “high school sweethearts” and went to college together. I’m an editor by day and by night (with all the fun stuff happening at night) and Shaun’s an entrepreneur and currently pursuing a higher degree. We were married at 20, our junior year at Kent State, and I was the one that proposed to him. It was very hippie like:

Me: Hey, wanna get married next week?
Shaun: You’re for real?!
Me: Yup! We’ve been planning to do it anyway.
Shaun:…OK. Cool!

Not very storybook, but a bit adventurous. My wedding dress was an old Easter dress from my youth (yep, got those up until the age of 17 LOL. What can I say, my grandparents raised me)

I’m a spender, he’s a saver. I’m in love with luxury and he favors frugality. A few people thought we were an unlikely match, but what we’ve found, even the few times we called ourselves separating (for, like, 3 hours), we can’t live…can’t breathe without each other. I think we strike a pretty good balance. He keeps things real for me, but I show him that all that we dream we can be, do and see.  Since he was born the same day as Jay Z and I 3 days after Beyonce, I always joke that we’re this little power couple waiting to take over.

Interview:

BMWK: You have four kids.  What are their ages?

Lindsays: 10, 7, 2, 1

BMWK: I already had kids when Lamar and I met. So we had a ready made family and decided to have more kids right away after we were married.  How long were you two together before you decided to have kids?  Now that you have experience, do you think couples should wait for a few years before having kids?

Arlice: Shaun and I were together for 4 years before having our first child.  We tried to plan that, but that didn’t quite work out. Though we still got to live and play hard, even taking our baby to play around the world with us sometimes, I do advise couples not to rush into starting a family. It’s a special time when it’s just the two of you…almost carefree.  You have the chance to really get to know yourself and each other in your new role as husband and wife.  You can still be a bit spontaneous and kid-like, and that’s healthy for a new marriage  We’re lucky. Because our parents take every opportunity to be with the kids, we still get to play around the house, and really bring out the kid in ourselves.

BMWK: This is a re-occurring topic on the site and one that couples (including Lamar and me) usually have to work on in order to find a system that works.  How do you handle sharing responsibilities with the kids and around the house?

Arlice: Absolutely everything is a team effort!  It’s funny, our roles are not very traditional in our home. I cannot stand spending time behind the stove. I make a few dishes well, but I really hate cooking. Fortunately for me, Sean, who once had aspirations to be a chef, loves to cook!  He wears the pants and the apron.  He experiments with recipes, plans the meals and cooks them too. But, I do the grocery shopping. A lot of the time I will join him in the kitchen and do some prep work, like the slicing and dicing so it’s easy and effortless for him to get dinner on the table. I do enjoy cleaning and organizing though. No one cleans like I clean, and it’s therapeutic for me. I’m also pretty organized and strategic with other household responsibilities.  As far as the kids, and we do have more than a few, I prefer the night routine of scheduling and executing bath times, laying clothes out for school, organizing homework time and that sort of thing, while Sean prefers the morning routine of packing lunches and getting them off to school. I get to sleep-in!  We put our strengths and energies where we feel they work the best.  And when we need a break, we give each other that too. I head to my favorite bookstore cafe for a few hours a couple times a week, and he’ll  hang out with his friends sometimes. It works! We make it work.

BMWK: Why was it important for you to get married at such a young age? Were you influenced by the images that you saw growing up?

Arlice: Well, we didn’t originally plan to marry so young, but we had this bohemian type of love and a hippie mentality. We broke all the rules of convenience and ran off and got married. There was no engagement or wedding. I didn’t even get my “wedding” ring until a few months after we got hitched when he could afford it.  And the “honeymoon” didn’t happen until a year later.  I also was the one that proposed to him. One day I said, let’s get married next week and he said OK. Now, I don’t recommend that for everyone.LOL! My grandparents and The Cosby Show left a positive impression on me.

BMWK: Since you have been together since high school, how did you support each other in achieving your goals? Do you think your spouse’s support is instrumental in achieving success? Please explain.

Shaun: Since high school, my wife and I always knew that we would be married someday. We just knew.  So, we told each other that we would create a bond that could never be broken, and we put that on everything.  Because of that bond, it was very natural for me to support her in whatever.

Arlice: Our first little commitment, “A Bond that Could Never Be Broken” that we made to each other was something that I took seriously even though we were just seniors in high school. Anytime we try to be upset with each other for any length of time, we’re the funniest and most pathetic things.  Supporting him is like a reflex.  He’s my partner and my friend, and I don’t want this to work without him.

BMWK: When you were married, I am sure many of your friends were single.  Did getting married change your relationships with any of your friends?  Did you have problems finding other married couples to be friends with?

Arlice: Our friendships never changed. In fact, our friends who were in relationships with kids already started to become interested in marriage the more we hung out. It was always like old times. We still went out to eat like we did in high school or college, just add a few kids to the scene. We’ve been consulted by friends over the years, we’ve been asked for our advice, and even to help solve serious problems.  We were always like, er…uh…

BMWK: Who do you allow to influence your marriage or mentor you in marriage?

Shaun: My spouse’s support is very instrumental because we are a team.  If one of us fails, our whole family suffers.  Sometimes when I feel bad, I need her support

Arlice: My grandparents raised me, and had very strong feelings on commitment. When Shaun and I would have an argument early on in our marriage, which are so funny now, I would storm out and go to my grandparents. When I called myself coming back home to grandpa, he sent me back to Shaun, but not without telling me what marriage really is.  My in-laws, who were much younger than my grandparents were also inspiration for me. They too were high school sweethearts who have endured much throughout the years. And through it all they survived, making their love for each other even more unbreakable. You can’t even bend it.  I knew that was what I wanted.

BMWK: What has changed about the way that you deal with conflict since you were first together?  What do you think accounts for that change?

Arlice: A lot of times we end up laughing mid argument because we can’t keep a straight face. Honestly!  But, we do solve problems.  Other ways we handle conflict is by giving each other a day or two to really think things through, and come at each other in a calmer way. I’m a stubborn type and he’s an authoritative Sagitarius, so this works out well for us. When you’re no longer upset and hyped-up, you can talk.

BMWK: I love that you say: “we can’t live…can’t breathe without each other.”    What is the key to staying “in love” and remaining friends?  How do you keep your relationship fresh and exciting?

Arlice: Laughter. Laughter is everything to us. And, with four kids, there is always something much to laugh about. We’ve got this playful us against the kids thing. It’s really funny. The playfulness is essential for us. We deliver notes via the kids so they can get grossed out and giggle, or we hide them in private places. There are so many little things that we do that keeps things fresh and fun between us. The focus is always on the other person.

BMWK: Many people allow their differences to drive them apart instead of using them to find balance.  How were you able to use your differences to find balance in your marriage?

Arlice: Shaun’s about business, so I knew that he would get bills off before I would. I’m sort of a last minute person.  But I will say I’m a details person. So while he’s looking for a bargain on something we might want or need, I make sure we’re getting the item that gives us more for our money. That’s one way we balance each other.  If he finds it for a bargain, he’s going for the lower price, I guarantee you. That’s why it’s always good to have me around to say, yes, this is less expensive, but this gives us more bang for our buck, and this comes with a better warranty for thirty more dollars, and this brand we’ve heard of before, etc.

BMWK: What type of advice would you provide for couples thinking of becoming married?

Shaun: Times are very different now, and raising a family has new and tougher challenges. But building a life and planning to grow old will make it all worth it. It’s a beautiful thing. You’ll have both good  and bad days, but believe in each other and in your marriage, and things will be good.

Arlice: Make sure you want the same things out of life.  Do periodic check-ins with each other to make sure you are both still on the same page.  Understand that love is about more than just love; it’s also work, literally and figuratively.  Everyday won’t be about running through a field of flowers in slow motion, hand-in-hand. There will be days you’ll want to have a wildflower fight, and probably will.  But, these things should help you both grow.

BMWK Family – please show the Lindseys some love by posting a comment to thank them for sharing their relationship with us.  Like the Lindseys, can you share with us how you find balance in your relationships?

By the way, Arlice Nichole Lindsey is  creator of  A Woman’s Worth: A Girl’s Guide to Keeping Her Finances Fit and Fabulous.  Please check out her site!!!

 

Get Marriage Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily!   First Name * Last Name * Email *