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In-Laws’ Rule

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by  |  on March 18th, 2010  |  14 comments

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Let me start this article by thanking Saraileads for her suggestion about in-laws. It was pretty easy for me to write an article on the relationship with in-laws because I have such a great one with my own. My in-laws are ideal. They accepted me into the family without hesitation. I know that most people aren’t that lucky.

I wanted to share a brief list of what works for us:

    1. Have realistic expectations. Is it realistic to expect the woman who gave birth to your spouse not to be concerned about what goes on in their child’s life? I expect my in-laws to love their son first and do what feels right where he is concerned and where the grand-children are concerned. A lot of other couples I know complain about in-laws meddling too much and trying to take over. I’m thinking for some, if in-laws are included more initially, the less likely they are to intrude.
    2. Always share with your spouse first when you’re feeling slighted or made uncomfortable. Give them a chance to speak with his/her parents.
    3. Start on a good note. Many married people have a preconceived idea about what their relationship with in-laws will include. Some expect not to get along, so their guards immediately go up and they look for problems. Come with a fresh approach and look for the good in your in-laws.
      1. Find common ground. Decide what works and what may not. My mother-in-law is involved, not because she wants to be, but because I allow her to be involved. I’m fairly new to raising kids; I’m just 12 years in, whereas she is almost 50 years in, so I expect to learn from her. I listen and absorb the wisdom and knowledge she provides.
      2. Respect each other’s role. Understand that you and the in-laws all love the person you married very much.

      BMWK, how would you describe your relationship with your in-laws? If you have struggled in the past, what helped you turn it around?

      By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse.


      About the author

      Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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      Comments (14)

      1. Candi Thursday - 18 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        I'm getting married July 2011 and I can't wait. My soon-to-be inlaws are wonderful and like you, they've openly accepted me into the family. My mother had a horrible relationship with her mother-in-law but I was blessed that my fiance has the sweetest parents. Neither one of us have type A personalities and both of us get along with others very easily. My mom adores him and they have a very close relationship. We already know our mothers like to be involved and share their knowledge and wisdom and I feel if he and I communicate any discomforts between ourselves if they ever get out of hand, then we can address them accordingly and hopefully keep the peace. .-= Candi´s last blog ..Can Another Woman Cook In Your Kitchen? =-.
      2. Ronnie Thursday - 18 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        Thanks Tiya, I love your list espeically #6. I think that above all you should respect your in-laws (just as you would want someone to respect your own parents.) I also like #3...if you have an issue...share it with your spouse first as your spouse may be able to provide you with a different perspective on the issue. I also think it is best to have your spouse speak with his/her parents.
      3. Tiya' Thursday - 18 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        @ Candi, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. How exciting, it sounds like you and your fiance are off to a great start. @ Ronnie, thank you! That is such a great point "treat them as you would want someone to treat your parents" and another thing we all should remember is that the in-laws can't be all that bad if they were able to raise the person that we happened to fall in love with.
      4. Saraileads Thursday - 18 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        Tiya, Thank you so much for making this post. I feel like talking about in-laws has been one of the topics that is overlooked by friends and family when preparing young brides and grooms for marriage. It is so vital to learn these things, and get wise advise. One of the best pieces of advice that I recently got from a group of older women was that "having your husband speak up for you as a family is 95% of the battle won." They also gave me a gentle reminder that In-Laws love it when you treat their child like "gold", and you should do so at every given chance in front of their family. Any other good tips from married couples who have been married longer than my 2 years would be greatly appreciated. Keep those posts coming :)
      5. chandra Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        I personally can tell you out of the twelve years I have been married my husband still will not talk to his family about how they act. But I do know this, my God says that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. So I know that it is going to work out in the end. But do understand he is a good husband but just doesn't know how or what to do. So he just doesn't deal with the situation at all.
      6. Tiara Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        Great post! I wish I could relate but my in-law story is probably the opposite. While I was dating my husband, he stressed just how much his mother meant to him and how close he was to his younger sister. It was part of what attracted me to him. He seemed very family minded and their relationship reminded me so much of my brothers, my mom and I. Unfortunately, they saw my presence in his life as less of an addition to their family and more of me taking their precious son and brother away. For the first few years of our marriage, I tried very hard. I invited them over for dinner, planned family trips... but whether it was snide comments, snickering at my cooking or their insistence that our marriage wouldn't last because I was so goal oriented... I finally realized that they were just not going to accept me. Recently, I have just stopped trying and my husband has too. I think this has worked better than anything else. As hard as it is for both of us to accept, sometimes you have to let people go, even if it is family and put your marriage first. I am hoping my in-laws will learn they can't tear us apart and that if they want a relationship with their son, they have to accept his wife. Not the other way around. .-= Tiara´s last blog ..Party of Four =-.
      7. Anonymous Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        Tiya, With this article...You are so right, not everyone is lucky to have a great relationship with the in-laws. I really wish that I had a better connection with my mother-in-law. I have honestly tried, but something is just missing. Now, she does adore her grandson (our 1 year old)...she sends him packages every few months or so. But, even when she calls she automatically wants to speak with her son. I actually tried calling her one day just and talked about our son just to break the ice a little more, but even then it was awkard. There is just not a lot of conversation. My husband says that she is just quiet.....but I don't really think its just that simple. Last summer we went on a trip to visit his family and she barely said a word when I walked in the house. Didn't get up to embrace me or anything. She is not a mean spirited person...she just doesn't say a lot to me. But them I noticed over the weekend as other people stopped by to visit, she almost jumped out of her chair to embrace them. Its gotta be me. I don't want to feel this way and I told my husband about it, but he just said she didn't mean any harm. Huh?? I don't get it, its like this everytime I see her. I am a very talkative person but I feel like I have to tone down my personality around her. ----Now, My family lives out of town and my husband has a great connection with my mother, father--and the rest of my entire family. They make him feel loved and have never hesitated to always roll out the red carpet for him, whether we are visiting them or they are visiting us in our own home. My husband is very talkative and outgoing so he just loves it! But, I secretly long for his mom to treat me at least half of how my family treats him. I do love her...don't get me wrong...I just am not sure what to do anymore.
      8. Tiya Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        @Saraileads, I agree it is something that should be discussed amongst newly married couples and all couples for that matter. Thanks again for recommending. @Chandra & Tiara, I am sorry to hear that your relationships aren't going the way you hoped they would. Tiara, it sounds like you've really done all you can do, it's now up to the in-laws. I agree 100% your focus has to be on maintaining a healthy marriage, I do hope that they come aboard and become more receptive of you. @Anonymous, again, it does sadden me to hear that the relationships aren't what you expected and hoped for. It seems like your mother-in-law may just need a real opportunity to get to know you. It does sound like the distance may be playing a role, I wouldn't give up hope on that relationship. I would continue trying. Maybe the next time you are in town or she's in town, the two of you could do something (dinner, a play or movie or something) to try and get to know each other a little better.
      9. Tiya Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        @Saraileads, I forgot to add, I like the idea of treating their child like they are gold, because those will also be the expectations I will have on the men that marry my daughters. Great point!
      10. Anna Friday - 19 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        I've never had a problem with my in-laws, nor they with me. Not sure if it's because I was almost 30 when I got married. I think that it's simply because they are church going people living their "golden years". Thanks for this post. I have never asked my daughter if she gets along with her soon to be in-laws. I will email this to her, for future reference. LOL.
      11. Tiya Monday - 22 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        Thanks Anna. That does make a difference (them being church going). I hope you daughter can benefit from the article. Thank you.
      12. Nuffsaid Tuesday - 23 / 03 / 2010 Reply
        @ Anonymous - Honey, I am going to tell you the honest truth.....your M-I-L is doing all of that intentionally and it IS you! I have been dealing with the same thing from my M-I-L for about 5 years. A person has to make a decision at the beginning to get to know you and be friendly to you. If you came from out of town to visit, then she should've gotten up to embrace you. You are a guest in her home for Pete's sake!!!!! I would expect nothingless from her. Especially if you saw her embracing others that came over to visit. Let me tell you what someone else told me, "once an older person has it in their heart to dislike you, you have to leave it be. They are set in their ways." I struggled to get my MIL to be friendly with me and it just didn't work. Church going has nothing to do with it b/c she goes to church. You just have to pray and remain friendly with her. Maybe change will come, but SHE has to make the decision to be kind, friendly, welcoming, and warm to you. In the meantime, just count your blessings that you don't live in the same city. Take it from someone who has dealt with this issue. Give it God and move on.
      13. Sonn Monday - 26 / 04 / 2010 Reply
        I'm really happy for most of you... the nice and harmonious relationship w/ your in laws. I'm almost 9 years married... it's very tough for me to understand my in laws, bec everytime they need money they feel like we are their bank account... they don't even ask first if we have a budget to share... and if we didn't give they almost curse us... i want them to respect us on how to manage our finances not that they are the one to control us we have a lot of expenses too...we are not living together w/ my in laws since day 1 after wedding... we told them already about it but they said they are asking money for their brother and not me...