Cut the Small Talk…I Need a Conversation!?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on May 4th, 2010 | 9 comments

bmwkcoupletalk

by Harriet Hairston

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by an anonymous author: ”A wise old owl sat on an oak. The more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why aren’t we like that wise old bird?” So when I’m in a group of people, I don’t feel the urge to talk all the time. I’ve learned that the more you listen, the more you learn about others just by observation.

Nevertheless, at home is where my inner chatterbox tends to rear her head. I have always loved the sound of my husband’s voice. Although we don’t engage in a whole lot of small talk (he’s the strong, silent, musical type), our conversations are full of substance and humor. This article outlines nine conversations that aid in the health of marital relationships. It was both encouraging and intriguing that my husband and I engage in these types of conversations quite often:

Embarrassing moments: nothing like a little vulnerability and transparency when you share moments that make you hang your head in shame. Like the time I was playing basketball, and this dude tripped me and I fell right on my chest…and bounced! Yeah…not a good moment at all.
Fears and insecurities: my husband and I shared a boo-hoo moment in the bathroom as we were getting ready for work. Typically, when I feel afraid or insecure about something, I retreat to a safe place in my mind, and if anyone bothers me in my self-made prison, there is hell to pay. LOL But that can only take you so far in a marriage, and if you can’t share that information with the person you’ve pledged to spend the rest of your life with, who can you share it with? (Note: Mama or Daddy, homeboy or homegirl, brother or sister should not be filling in the blank here).
Current events: My husband knows I love to watch and/or read the news. We’ll talk about anything from floods to terrorist plots, to the latest crazy episodes of Dateline NBC.
The future: do you have a vision for your family and where it’s going in the next 3 weeks, months, years, etc.? It’s always good to do a sanity check on your future goals with one another.

Although I prefer being quiet when it comes to complete strangers, with my husband, these types of conversations take place on a regular basis. Some other types the article mentioned were political viewpoints, childhood, past relationships (not talking about numbers, but feelings), family life, and TV/movies.

What kinds of conversations do you have with your spouse on a regular basis? How do you maintain your communication, not just for the routine of your marriage, but for intimacy’s sake as well?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: ”author.” You can purchase her first book, ”Who Are You?“ simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Fran

i dont talk alot to begin with in public,so when i am home i pretty much keep quiet unless the kids say or do something. my husband and i talk about the kids,bills,sometimes he will tell me about work. but every eclipse if there is something he feels passionate about he will get on his pulpit and try to get me to see it his way, lol will he ever and i stay contrary just to watch his face. we have had some really great conversations that way. but i really do a lot more listening than talking no matter where i am, or who im with. i have this really great ability to filter whats being said. i have told my kids and the adults in their life that i dont believe in tattle tales. i have heard and seen countless occasions where adults use dont be a tattle tale to make a kid keep a secret that they shouldnt,or there is some kid doing something dangerous and the adult will say that and next thing you know bam or boom…. i know that is off the subject… but that what i have to say
http://none Ruby Griffin

On a regular basic,My husband and I,talk about our day,he is 71,he work 13 hours a day,he’s bless…but it don’t matter how tired,he is,he is going to ask me how my day was? He know that going to be his sleeping pill,cause i go on and on…There no way of starting a conversation,but to just do it,he alway tell me ,you don’t care,what you say.,I do,it just that what come up,come out…no practice,no speech, in front of the mirror.I sat and wait on my prey,when it’s time,i attack,before he knew anything,i’m in and out,and move on…I don’t met a stranger ,if you stand there for a second,i got you,in a full deep conversation,and loving it…Like ,i said before,i love to talk,when he in that mood,i don’t miss my chance,whatever he bring up,i go with the blow,I keep my door of communication open,at all time,cause i’m direct,I close my husband out,for a long time in our marriage,that it brought on 2 years of seperating,so, now i want have a hush mouth,our communication,have uplifted,and motivate our spirit,giving us a reason to live again,we can’t go back to the rage of hell age,but we can enjoy now,and at this point,we’re learning,how to be friend again…We’re a child in heart,living in a adult body,trying to rekindle,the joy of life,and being bless with it….
Tahlitha

Well on a regular basis it’s usually about work, bills, the children, work, bills, the children, yes a repeat. I’d like to think I’m more of a talker in the house and he’s more of a talker outside the house. Through out the day if we’re just hanging at home I like to about sports, the next book I just have to read, our plans for the future, and the goodness God has in store for us. He has told me he loves that excitement and energy he sees in me. Then there are those days where nothing I say is positive and he’ll wonder where all that faith went. He’s always been a good listener, so much so that he’ll bring up, on those days of little faith, do you remember what you said about ‘this’ and about ‘that.’ Give me that extra umph I need to snap back into it.

When we’re out with the children, in the park, or taking a long trip somewhere, and yes oh yes, date night, he’s the talker. His conversations seem to open up just a little more when we’re out and about, enjoying the day. His plans for the future seem to be connected to the road. I love these conversations. And around other people he can pretty much start a conversation from scratch. No warm up time required.

Not everything we say to each other is sugary and sweet but having conversations about embarrassing moments, let downs, stresses, hopes and fears are what get us back into our groove.

God bless you.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

Since we’re planning on trying for a baby later this year, a lot of our conversations have to do with that – pregnancy, babies, parenting, plans, goals. Those conversations actually produce a lot of laughter, so that’s been a blessing!

We also talk about God a lot… church… our family… our fears… budgeting… food… movies… and he loves to share his music with me and tell me about various cultures, which I love hearing about.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Check out that fro and those chubby legs! =-.
Staycee2

We talk about home/family/bills/kids schooling stuff. But most of all we talk about our friends and how some just dance with the devil on a regular basis (infedility). I appreciate the fact that we both feel comfortable enough to talk about things… Neither one of us wouldn’t think twice about indulging in this bad behavior because we both recognize the risks that are involved and our vows! Marriage is hard work and we both are a work in progress and COMMUNICATION is key to the both of us!!!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

I really feel blessed when I am able to confide in my husband about my feelings. I am able to tell him anything about me and I know that he will not judge me..and that he will support me. We talk about everything under sun. From our plans for the future, to current events, to reality t.v.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..My Journey Through The Beauty Of Homebirth =-.
Busybee

My hubby is “one” of my best friends. We talk about EVERYTHING! LOL After eight years of marriage we just let it all hang out! LOL One day he is a counselor and the next day I might be a teacher. Sometimes we just like to sit in each others company in silence and the silence speaks for its self. We live ina nosiy world: phones, traffic, etc.
http://www.happyhomebakery.com mochazina

Communication is the BIGGEST, HUGEST, most BESTEST thing in our marriage! We can talk about literally anything with each other & it’s great. We share so much, that when times got tense, he once said to me “I can’t divorce you cuz when I wanted to call a friend to tell em I’m getting divorced, the first person I’d call is you!” LOL
http://www.chocolatemomrants.blogspot.com/ Chocolate Mom

My husband and I are strong believers in communication to the point where we have our best conversations first thing in the morning on my way to work (he works nights) and when we miss those phone calls we’ve each admitted how lost we feel for the rest of the day. My favorite question to ask is: “if your spouse/significant other died tomorrow, have you said all that you wanted to say?”
.-= Chocolate Mom´s last blog ..New York Blood Drive =-.