NEWSFLASH! “Jump-Offs” Don’t Have Rules

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by Lamar Tyler | on May 5th, 2010 | 15 comments

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by Aja Dorsey Jackson

In the wake of what seems like weekly high profile affairs between married men and talkative mistresses I have had the unfortunate opportunity to tune into various radio shows with DJs and callers voicing their opinions on the topic. What disturbs me about these conversations is that rather than acknowledging the devastation that participating in an affair can cause marriages and families, more often than not the only problem that many people seem to have is with the other woman for not knowing her place and neglecting to abide by the side-chick rules.

What are these “other woman” rules? According to most, it seems that the other woman is to know her place on the outside and not to ruin the man’s family by letting his wife or anyone else know about the affair. Every time I hear this I am always left wondering why anyone would believe that these rules actually exist.

If you have no respect for God’s rules or the rules of the law as they pertain to marriage, what would give you the faulty idea that rules can be observed or applied to anything in else the situation. No concern existed on the part of the spouse or the mistress for wrecking the marriage when they entered into the affair; why then, would the other woman (Or man) be concerned with ruining the marriage by speaking about the infidelity. There is no such thing as applying rules to foolishness. When you engage in an affair, you have already decided to break your commitment to the rules because you felt like doing something else at the time. Your behavior is determined by how you feel, not by your commitments. When your feelings change, so do the rules. If what I am saying is untrue, why have we seen this played out in the media time and time again? Silence was golden as long as the other person in the scenario was reaping some type of reward. Once that person no longer felt the same, for whatever reason, they wanted to talk. As opposed to trying to craft irrelevant rules for affairs, it seems that it would be much more effective to abide by the ones that were already given in the marriage vows.

It’s like watching little kids play cards. They make up the rules as they go along. Someone gets mad, someone’s feelings get hurt and the rules change. In the end, nobody wins.

Am I right or just naïve? Is there truly a such thing as applying rules to indiscretion?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://Twitter.com/reefinyateef Reefinyateef

It’s a bad idea to regulate something negative unless you know that it is unavoidable , which mostly comes down to social norms (I.e. Nicotine, cigarettes). Have we really gotten to the point where cheating is a social norm that we need to have rules for? If so, god help us … A
Harriet

This is a tale as old as time…Marilyn Monroe couldn’t keep it to herself that she was sexing President Kennedy, Herodias had a man’s head chopped off because she was sexing the King of Jerusalem…all the way back in biblical times.

And it’s not just women who open their traps about infidelity. Try Magic Johnson on for size, but he only said something after he contracted HIV. And the 100+ women Wilt Chamberlain claimed…on top of David having one of his trusted confidantes killed for Bathsheba…SMH

You’re right. There are no rules when it comes to this. The “other woman/man” who knowingly sleeps with a married man/woman does not have the right to get angry that their jump off suddenly decides to take care of home. But they do. Then drama ensues.

I guess I’ll still be telling them that it’s human nature when they ask why. LOL GREAT article, Aja! Nice warning piece for those who are considering getting pieces on the side.
http://www.chylentertainment.com AJ Bell

Of course cheating is the norm, and yes, “God Help Us.” It’s been this way for years. I don’t know a single soul who hasn’t cheated or been cheated on. Anyone who thinks they have not, has probably been cheated on, and didn’t or doesn’t know it (yet).

It has become a right of passage in life, like falling off your bike. You just pay more attention to the pot holes the next time you get on…
Shayla

Great article Aja!! The only rule I can think of is, “don’t do it”! Nothing good will every come of it. I personally think that it is crazy that cheating has become the norm and that there are “rules” associated with it. Bottom like cheating is cheating and wrong is wrong.. but sadly it has been going on for so long that that somehow, people think that rules should apply. And like Harriet said, its not just the women that come out, its the men too. Know what you are getting into when you go down that road, because there is no turning back.
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

@Reefinyateef- I think this has been embraced as an unavoidable social norm which is sad. What happens to right and wrong when wrong becomes the norm?

@Harriet Yes, we often forget about the men. All of the recent stories seem to involve women that want to “kiss-and-tell” but there have been several men over time.

@AJ, Shayla- I definitely agree, this is an old tale and people have justified it for so long and excused themselves by acting like it is unavoidable. I think now there is just so much more access to information (tv, internet) and the promise of quick fame that has these stories popping up all over the place. To me, it seems like we have reached a place where its even more acceptable because of how much attention it constantly gets.
Harriet

Yeah, yeah…”cheating is the norm.” But I’ve never been “normal.” I refuse to conform to the norms of society. That’s what Mos Def and Talib Kweli called “becoming a victim of abnormal normalities.”

That’s just not my thing. Becoming embittered by a past experience where someone I was dating cheated on me did not jade me or make me less apt to commit totally to my marriage. So cheating is just not my idea of a good time. Besides, it takes too much planning and lying, neither of which I’m extremely good at. LOL

Now if my husband ever has a brain/heart/gastrointestinal fart and decides to go that route, that’s on him. But I suspect he falls short in some similar areas, and I love him for it. LOL

@ AJ, I agree, it happens, but I disagree with steeling myself and preparing for it to happen in my current relationship. That’s just me.
http://www.chylentertainment.com AJ Bell

@Harriet, that’s not what I meant. I don’t mean to prepare for it, I just mean to be more aware of your surroundings and the actions of your mate and the women he associates. Some people are caught off guard when they get cheated on because they simply did not pay attention (the same way we run over a pot hole with our bike). You just learn to pay more attention. That doesn’t mean take that baggage to the next relationship, it simply means to take the lesson.
Mz. Fraz

@ AJ yes most people have cheated and have been cheated on but it doesn’t mean it has to continue in current or future relationships. Some people still take relationships and marriage seriously. I was raised that in a marraige first and foremost you have made a commitment to God and then your mate. If a person looks at it like they are accountable to God along with their mate it can help prevent cheating or behaviors that would live up to it.
http://www.chylentertainment.com AJ Bell

@ Mz Fraz, I don’t subscribe to the concept of “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I, have cheated on guys when I was much younger, but that was related to that guy and that situation. I have grown and matured, and that is not an option for me anymore. I agree, that people can have happy healthy marriages with people who used to consider themselves cheaters.

I may be in the minority here, but I consider it cheating anytime you are in a monogomous relationship, and you betray that trust. It’s not just married people who can cheat.

That said, i’m not sure what we can do to get people to realize the damage of being a cheater, jump off or repeat victim. I wish it were as simple as seeking God, but there are Christian, Muslim, Jewish and Buddist cheaters too. I think it starts with upbringing. We need to be the examples to our children of what we want them to be. Stop teaching our boys that it’s ok to “play the field”, and stop teaching girls that you have to “do what you gotta do” to get and keep a man.
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

@AJ “Stop teaching our boys that it’s ok to “play the field”, and stop teaching girls that you have to “do what you gotta do” to get and keep a man.”

Well said. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard boys given the advice to do whatever they want to do as long as they “wrap it up”. I think that we receive so many mixed messages about sex, fidelity etc. beginning as children especially now when it seems that the image of every Black man as a pimp every Black woman as a gold digger is so prevalent. I don’t know that there is any way to get rid of cheating, but I think raising children to value themselves and honor their commitments and being able to show positive images of marriage where cheating isn’t the norm is at least a start.
Chandra

Great article, Aja! I have been having lengthy conversations about this since last week with my friends. You are so right, if you won’t follow the rules ordained by God, why would you follow rules that regulate foolishness and ungodliness?

Why is cheating the norm? Because we as a society have no moral boundaries or compasses. If spouses would conciously give effort to not getting so comfortable in conversation/friendships, the chances of something “extra” jumping off would be eliminated. As a married person, you cannot allow an outsider to develop an intimate bond with you. Nothing should give the appearance of an improper relationship. People allow others to get too comfortable. Text messages, Facebook, Myspace, and the like are leading a whole lot of people straight to divorce court because no one holds anything back and anything and everything goes. Unfortunately, those of us who are committed to our spouses and believe the word of God are in the minority and considered old fashioned. Call me what you like, but I love, honor, and cherish my husband and our marriage!!!
Staycee2

U r right!!!!!!! Jump offs shouldn’t be at fault because it takes two (the male whom gave vows before god)!!! I admit I have indulged in The Jerry Springer Show a time or two, but can’t figure out for the life of me why women fight each other instead of the man their involved with and have lied to the both of them. Men men men need to be held more accountable for their actions. We as women have the power (yeah that kitty kat holds the power) and they are only going to do as much as we allow them to do (pull the wool over our eyes). And my husband always tell me that I remind him of Usher’s song “U got it bad”! I guess I do cause I ain’t taking crap and don’t want him to think for a minute A MAN IS GOING TO BE A MAN, WTF does that mean??!! I’M THE PRIZE AND DON’T U EVER FORGET IT!!!!!!! At the end of the day it’s all about RESPECT!!!!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

Greate Article Aja… and amen Staycee2!!!
In response to your question, I think you are exactly right. You never know how a person is going to react when you break the relationship off with them. They could go completely “fatal attraction” on you and your family!!!
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..My Journey Through The Beauty Of Homebirth =-.
Maeva

You are absolutely right. People focus on that obsurdity because they have resign themselves to their mate cheating. I don’t knock that either but there are no rules in a lawless situation.
Sheed

It’s not the cheating or lack of commitment of vows that people have a problem with. It’s the fact that people are now profitting off of those indiscrestions. Unfortunately, what will happen is you have more people throwing themselves at a high profile person, just for the chance to profit. If the mistresses or male philanderer is really concerned about changing the rules, why go public about the affair?

Also, in a ideal world, most of the people that are the mates of higher profile people are with those persons for all the right reasons. That, however, is not the case. Most high profile people aren’t in these relationships for genuine reasons. When you live a certain lifestyle, you have to be mindful and adjust to the rigors of that lifestyle.