Are You Investing in Your Relationship?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on May 18th, 2010 | 8 comments

couplereading

by Delano Squires

I’ve had a few friends get married in the last three years and I’m glad to know a few more will be exchanging vows in the near future. Wedding guests often agonize over finding a gift for newlyweds that seems just right. While I’m sure couples appreciate the toasters, blenders, and microwaves they receive, there is one thing I believe every couple should have as they contemplate starting a life together: pre-marital education. Pre-marital education can help couples considering marriage in at least three important ways: 1) it eliminates as many surprises about marriage as possible, 2) it allows you to identify problem areas (i.e. you can’t fix what you don’t face), and 3) it teaches couples practical marital skills, such as building intimacy and “fighting fair”. Relationships require a great deal of physical and emotional energy, time, and financial resources. Who among us would commit to a lifelong investment without doing our part to ensure a positive return?

The type of investment described above need not be confined to the period before “I do”. Married couples also benefit from investing in their relationships. This concept seems intuitive when we think about striving for excellence in other areas of life. We purchase gym memberships, exercise equipment, and dieting books when we want to lose weight or improve our health. Likewise, we invest in tutoring, professional certifications, and advanced degrees when we want to excel academically and professionally. What investments do people make when they seek to improve their relationships? There is a wealth of information available to couples on building healthy and strong marriages. Psychologists, pastors, and even self-styled relationship experts have written books on “love languages”, communication styles, money management, conflict resolution, and a number of other important subjects for couples. If relationship books don’t strike you as practical or worthwhile, perhaps couples counseling would be worth considering. Another option is seeking out an older couple that can help you navigate some of the inevitable difficulties of marriage. This strategy was used by a group of clergy in Kansas City, KS to drastically reduce their divorce rate. Admittedly, no single solution will fit the individual needs and address the unique issues of every couple, but every couple should take stock of how much they invest in their partner and relationship. Our popular culture paints an incomplete picture of marriage and relationships. Big screen love stories give the impression that two people — with unique personalities, backgrounds, habits, and imperfections — will live happily ever after as long as they love each other. Unfortunately, with about one out of every two marriages in this country ending in divorce, it seems like love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship for an entire lifetime. The bottom line is simple: we make time and invest in the things that are truly important to us. Our level of investment in any area of life should reflect our priorities, so a good question to ask if you see no investment in your relationship is this: how much is it really worth?

BMWK, do you see pre and/or post-marital education as a worthwhile investment? How has it helped you in your marriage? Do you consider it a luxury or necessity? Do the investments you make in your relationship reflect its priority in your life? Where do you invest the majority of your time and energy?

Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://nnhbb.blogspot.com Anna Renee

We can’t possibly expect to have good marriages if we run away when things get tough. Maybe we shouldn’t expect perfection and maybe we ought to look to fulfill our mate instead of ourselves, while the mate looks to fulfill you. No self centeredness. We need to be willing to learn about each other and accept the good and bad, while also working towards higher levels of maturity as we go in marriage.
We put more effort and time into our cars, than we do our marriages. We wouldn’t expect our cars to run smoothly without putting in work! I’m just saying, we need to WANT marriages in order to have them.
.-= Anna Renee´s last blog ..P Square No One Like You =-.
http://uLiveuLoveuLearn.blogspot.com Natalie Wright

I think you’ve stated a valid solution for preventing and mending marriage issues. How does one gift pre/post-marital education (smile)?

I think it’s important to note that education is just one way to invest, but not the only way. I’ve found that people are more prone to work at a relationship if they’ve invested things such as time and effort, neither of which can be replaced. If a relationship doesn’t work out, you can return a self-help book and get your money back. How many times have we heard someone say (or said ourselves), “I’ve been with this person for # years…” or “I’ve put up with…” as their justification for sticking it out. While counseling, self-help books, etc. are great resources, they need to be coupled with an emotional investment as well…and not just love…but something that keeps them think twice before walking away.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I can honestly say that had it not been for the pre and post marital education, experience, and surrounding ourselves with positive marital role models–all of which were provided because we have Christ at the center of our union–we would not have made it. I don’t care how saved or unsaved a couple is, without investing the time and effort into making your marriage work, IT WON’T. It takes a lot of maintenance, but it’s so worth it.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
Gamal

This is a good read. It is true that you can’t fix what you don’t face. To that end, truth needs to be a guiding principle in selecting a mate. All the lovey-dovey is nice, but if the idea of marrying a person is not sound when the truth is revealed, don’t pursue it. Like any other investment, if its returns are much less than the investment, there comes a time when you must get rid of that investment. For those who will succeed in marriage, they will be truthful – first and foremost with themselves. They will then extend that same courtesy to their mate and have a valid expectation of reciprocity.
Anna

LOL @ Natalie “return the self-help book and get your money back”. I don’t see anything wrong with finding ways to invest in your marriage through pre /post marital education. Sometimes we just think that we are compatiable with that person and try as hard as we think we can to make it work. I was on another site that I log into daily. We were chatting about “Zodiac Signs”. Some people got a light bulb momet and realized that some born under certains signs are just meant to be. LOL. I am a Cancer and I can plan something for two weeks and if the sun is not shining change my mind at the last minute. I really can’t help it, I 42 and I’ve tried. LOL. I know most people frown when you talk about Zodiac signs and Horoscopes. I don’t read my Horoscope on a daily basis nor a monthy basis. I am who I am and my Sign does intertwine with my husbands. I am emotional, moody at times, a home body and a loving family gal who loves events at my house. I think we can learn from someone once we know the Sign they were born under. Call it psychological if you want, but it works for me. My two daughters and two of my sisters are Leo’s. The Leo’s in my life love to shop, love attention and don’t bite their tongues. I am the total opposite, but respect them from what I learned long ago about their “Sign”. LOL. I know I am Crazy with a “K” but my husbands sign loves a challenge, loves to nuture, is family oriented and can deal with any personality. Being I have 3 or six, it’s all good. LOL. FYI, I am Krazy Fun, not Krazy Postal, but I am not one who has to have something to do outside the house on my day(s)off(I work with the public, I don’t keed to say anymore). My husband likes to get out of the house and I don’t have to tag along. Don’t get me wrong, we still have “date night” a few times a month and I do visit my friends and family. Just because you are married does not mean you have to be glued at the hip.
Anna

need* not keed. No it was not subliminal and I keed(keyed) a car. LOL. I just admitted I was C(Krazy) but I’m not stupid. LOL.
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

Premarital counseling/classes were immensely valuable and helpful for us. It taught me to value my marriage and my husband, tools for dealing with disagreements, not to fight dirty, not to have false expectations, how to communicate with my husband, and so on.

I am so, so glad we did it and I highly recommend it for other couples, as well.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..They Were Amazing To Me Once =-.
Rachel

I tell all of my friends do NOT get married without premarital counseling! My hubby and I really got a picture of what our everyday life would be like when we got married through pre-marital counseling. And we discussed the things that each of us had real concerns about. Additionally, we learned tools and strategies to use to keep our marriage healthy. We are constantly working on our relationship. My marriage has been a source of utter joy for me so I jealously protect it with time, effort and compromise.