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Do Black Men Promote Marriage?

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by  |  on May 12th, 2010  |  36 comments

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

What makes little girls long to grow up and get married? Is it having the chance to wear a beautiful wedding gown and look like a princess? Or maybe it’s the idea of having a prince charming and living happily ever after. Our ideas of marriage came from fairy tales we read and what we heard from the women around us, which made it something to be desired. Somewhere in my little girl life I heard that a husband would take care of me and I would have a house and kids and ultimately be happy.  I now wonder if little boys grow up with that same understanding.  I heard something recently that made me wonder what little black boys and men were hearing about matrimony.

I was listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show and Steve brought up a conversation he had with actor Hill Harper about black men promoting marriage.  Hill said to Steve that married black men do not promote marriage. Steve furthered this discussion by adding that happily married men normally will not brag on a good marriage. The majority of them don’t say anything; they just go about the business of living a good life.  Whereas the unhappily married man often complains publicly, which leaves the single brother dreading making that same commitment.

If single black men are only hearing the negative aspects of marriage what would tempt them into taking that leap?  In regards to black women, I am not sure if we talk about marriage more in a positive way or if we just make it look good with our actions. Whatever it is, I recommend that we all start endorsing healthy black marriages. Men, let your single buddies know that marriage isn’t always everything they hear, it’s not all bad.  In fact there are plenty of great marriages all around us and it’s time to let it be known.

BMWK, what do you think, do black men promote marriage? Happily married men, do you share the good news of marriage?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach,  the founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (36)

  1. Lamar Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I think it's more about being a man than being a black man. I don't hear any of the white men I know go on about being married either. I also think it's more than what a mother instills in her daughter, from an early age young girls are bombarded with images of marriage or should I say weddings from all corners of society! When we do screenings of our films this is a topic that I always mention. Happily married people don't let others know that they are happy. Even here on the site we've had women say they don't tell their friends because they feel like they might be perceived as bragging so I think it goes both ways. Happily married people men and women need to let the word get out. When we don't what happens is what Ronnie and I see all of the time. People come to the screenings and say that they don't want to get married because they've never seen anyone that was happy. The truth is they might have seen someone but that person never let anyone know.
  2. Tee Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I think better communication should be promoted rather than marriages because I dont think you can have a decent marriage without one. True, young girls are bombarded with images of weddings. Thats not the only thing thats instilled in some girls. I know from experience and from hearing this of a few friends, the notion that men (or just black men) aint ish! How can any of us have a decent relationship with this mess floating around in our heads/hearts?
  3. alicesandra Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Grebt article.Alot of men never learn the benefit and joys of marriage and so they settle for shacking.
  4. Harriet Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Big, huge co-sign with Lamar. I'm definitely blessed to be raised by a man that couldn't get enough of bragging on his wife and marriage. For some reason, I married a man who is always talking about how good it is to be married (which sometimes makes me wonder if he's married to another woman...I know I have issues LOL).
  5. TCB Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I agree with Lamar that Happily married people don't let others know! I am soo happily married but there are times when I'm with a group where everyone is complaining about what's going on in their marriage and I really have nothing to say bad because most times I am happy! I do feel that is I saying anything, I will sound like I'm bragging and naive. As a matter of fact there was a time (when I was younger) that sooo many of my friends complained, I was convinced that something would go wrong in my marriage and I brought that toxic thinking home. Sounds stupid, right? So I have tried to start surrounding myself with happily married people!
  6. CHERISE Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    YEAH BLACK MEN PROMOTE MARRIAGE,TO NON BLACK WOMEN!
  7. reefinyateef Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    This isn't just a marriage issue - people are more likely to bitch about things that annoy them then talk about the good things that happen. I've been married almost five years and I don't go out of my way to say how great things are. However, I will defend my marriage if someone speaks ill of it (or marriage in general). .-= reefinyateef´s last blog ..reefinyateef: True, especially the damn chrips RT @PhillyGG: RT @taxgirl: It's a cell phone, people, not a bubble. We can still hear you. =-.
  8. Aja Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I don't think happy people in general promote being happy! For whatever reason, sadness and controversy at this point get more attention, regardless of race. When it comes to marriage, I think it is more of a man/woman issue than a Black/White issue. Whenever I watch tv or listen to radio the men I see talking about marriage are always making it look bad. Women are much more likely to brag about their husbands and marriage because for women, being married is sometimes looked at as the ultimate goal. I don't think society views marriage that way for men in general. I love to hear men saying great things in public about marriage and their wives because it helps dispel the myth that all married men are locked down and miserable.
  9. busybodyk Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I wish more men did. My husband does. Whenever he gets a chance, he says (direct quote), "If I knew marriage was going to be this good, I would have done it sooner".
  10. jo Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I think it is a gender thing. More women are expressive than men. I see it even with children. When identical questions are posed to girls and a boys, the responses are different. Girls tend to provide more details while boys answer with yes or no unless directed to do otherwise. Also, I strongly believe that men and women define the word "happy" differently. I know a couple with different views on their marriage -- this scare heck outta me. According to her she is very happy in her marriage; I think she is happy that her husband comes home every day. He, on the other hand, sounds and looks miserable because no interaction goes on in the home. So I guess... couples should consult with each other before telling the world "We are Happy." Good post!
  11. LaKeshia@Kreative Talk Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I think black men do not promote marriages whether it is happy or not. I think it is an ego thing. Men who are happily married do not want to appear soft in front of their friends, so they just remain quiet. Men who are not happily married do not promote marriage because of that fact...they are unhappy. I feel that more married men should promote marriage so that young boys and girls would know what to look forward to when it is their time. .-= LaKeshia@Kreative Talk´s last blog ..Should Men Buy Mother's Day Gifts for Their "Baby Mamas?" =-.
  12. reefinyateef Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Lakeisha, I don't think it's about ego at all. There are several things that I love - my job, golden age hip hop, the Boondocks, the terrible New York Knicks - that I don't go around talking about how great they are. However, if one of those is being dismissed, or if I'm asked directly about my feelings toward it, then I jump on my soapbox and it's hard to shut me up! :) One thing that I don't get from this article is what exactly does promotion mean? Am I promoting marriage when I am trying my best to be a respectable man within my job and social community? By maintaining a positive outlook on life? By not hesitating to say no to a last minute event or going out with the boys if I already have plans at home? I would argue yes. .-= reefinyateef´s last blog ..reefinyateef: True, especially the damn chrips RT @PhillyGG: RT @taxgirl: It's a cell phone, people, not a bubble. We can still hear you. =-.
  13. Roger Madison Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    When I was younger, I promoted marriage in the the way that I conduted myself and respected the single professional women I associated with. They would often ask, "Do you have any brothers?" Others would say, "You are sooo married and dedicated to your children. You wife is a very lucky woman." When I would travel on business, the men who traveled with me would say, "It's no fun hanging out with you. We can't catch anything. All the women think we are with you." That's a brother's backhand compliment about being happily married and unavailable. On other occasions, when the evening began to get long, I would be the first to leave the happy hour crowd. They called me "One Corona Roger." Occasionally, they weren't so polite, and I would respond, "I am going home because I respect my wife. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with yours, but it is not respectful of my wife and family to hang out late with you guys." Steve Harvey is right that those of us who are happily married don't spend a lot of time bragging about it. Our actions speak for themselves. We try to teach our sons to be respectful of women, and we try to be examples of a good husband and father to our daughters. In fact, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH OUR CHILDREN to share with them what a happy marriage is all about. I wanted them to grow up and to carefully select someone to be happily married to. We succeeded in this. Both our son and daughter are happily married to their first spouse for more than 10 years. With the explosion of single-parent households headed by women, I don't know who gets this message from happily married men to those children. Any ideas about how to extend our communications to these children would be helpful. They need to see happily married men AND women also. Roger Madison
  14. Ken S. Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I agree with Lamar that this phenomenon is a male issue that crosses racial lines but because of the decline in the condition of the Black Family, our community (more than any) could use positive promotion by Black men of the many benefits of being married. I also don't boast about being happily married, but I am quick to share this fact when the conversation arises. People around me "know" that I'm happily married as the evidence is in how I live, but I could certainly do more to promote marriage.
  15. T Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Like Cherise, I have noticed that more black men in interracial relationships seem to brag, but it is true for men of all races. Those who marry inter-racially seem more inclined to brag on their relationship and their choice of spouse. Perhaps because of the backlash or societal prejudices about mixed pairings, they feel the need to defend the relationship. Even though I've run into fewer men promoting their positive relationship when it is the typical same race coupling, I have witnessed it. The commenter's responses to this interesting post are on point with their assertions that we happily married folk should increase our visibility and brag on our relationships a bit. We are taught that it is rude, unsportsman-like or prideful when we talk about the successes in our lives. There can be no jumping, no fist-pumping, no exuberant expression for a genuine job well-done because someone who didn't do as well as you may get jealous? angry? hurt? This is something society has taken too far as it makes those who have something positive to say be quiet and allows the negative voices more room to overrun the conversations.
  16. Whyte23 Wednesday - 12 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @ Tiya good posting! I as a healthy/happily married black man promote marriage everyday. I think the problem comes in with the image of what we think the promotion of marriage should look like. It's not just me telling all the fellas about how good marriage is, it's me walking before them honoring and loving my queen in their presence. Black men need to be shown that marriage is good and honorable and right and just simply ok. @Roger has it correct about the explosion of single parent households if the mother is the example for the family then little girls will always have the wedding day fantasy and little boys will see that making babies without accountability is their role in life. So for me I want to walk as an example to all around me regardless of color...walk in the example that marriage is a good thing, a healthy thing, a fun thing and a sexy thing that will add value to your life. So I as a black man will promote marriage and I will work hard to instill this concept not only in my son but in all married brothers that are tied to me. @Lamar it saddens me to hear that our good examples of marriage are shying away from their examples...please if you are in a healthy loving relationship please let others know what you are doing so they can learn and apply these values to their married life. Each one please teach one then maybe our children will be able to see what they can achieve through a healthy relationship. Lamar & Ronnie thank you for your example and keep showing and spreading the word through the work that you are doing. Thank you for reading. Marcus Whyte23 .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..Beware Relationship Traffic Pattern Changing Ahead… =-.
  17. Tiya Thursday - 13 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Wonderful comments! @Whyte23, you just summed it up!
  18. T. Rogers Thursday - 13 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I hold my wife's hand in public. I make sure to wear my wedding ring EVERY time I step out of the house. I am affectionate and engaging to my wife in public. To me, that is enough promotion. Men don't responding to "salesmanship" and the like. Married men can't become salesmen for marriage. It's not genuine. Men are moved my action, not some other guy waxing poetic about how wonderful married life is. It's just how we are wired. Men don't discern process, interpret, and act out marriage the same way women do. It's not right or wrong, it is just different. And it bears repeating, this is a gender thing not a race thing.
  19. Ken S Thursday - 13 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    T. Rogers, I hear your point (and it's a valid one) but we should absolutely share good news. If we see a great movie or eat at a great restaurant, we have no problem sharing a good report with others so why not talk about our healthy, happy marriage? I agree that men don't like to be "sold" things (I know I don't) but I don't see anything wrong with talking about the positives in my life with the people I know. I'm speaking more hypothetically as I generally don't have these types of conversation with guys in my circle, but at the same time I do endorse the premise.
  20. T. Rogers Thursday - 13 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Ken, I agree with you. And I agree with the overall point of the article. I guess I am thinking more along the lines of men going out of their way to promote marriage in a way that seems contrived. Indeed those of us who are in happy marriages need to speak up. However, it should be natural and in the context of the conversations we are having. It shouldn't be a public relations campaign.
  21. Ruby Griffin Thursday - 13 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    A happy marriage,is when 2 people is committed to each other,with everlasting love,no lie,no secret,alway communicate...promoting marriage is loving and caring for each other,in the public and in present of yourself,,when you're out for dinner,pull the seat out for her at the table,open the car door for your wife,when you'll are going out together,tell her she look good,let your wife feel,the way she suppose to be feeling in you'll marriage ,wish is the security of belonging...
  22. NappyKitchen Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Whyte23 I think marriage is a bit of an accomplishment. It demonstrates that you have reached an elevated point in your life. You have a wife so it stands to reason that you are probably working, with a house, some kids, a car, and a dog named spot. Not sure how you can broach the subject of marriage with the recently unemployed, laid off, looking for work, etc. The black family took a hit with the decline of certain well paying jobs that didnt require any an education. It isnt practical to tell people to go and get a degree. Universities arent a career path for every American. It would be like every American male joining the military. In the absence of that, I think we need to promote contraception.
  23. Lamar Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Ken. S.- you had me going, head nod and all until- "I’m speaking more hypothetically as I generally don’t have these types of conversation with guys in my circle, but at the same time I do endorse the premise." LOL
  24. Busybee Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    BMWK, what do you think, do black men promote marriage? Happily married men, do you share the good news of marriage? _______________________________________________________________________ Ms. Cunningham-Sumter, I mean NO disrespect to you *personally* but H*LL NO! Let’s put on our critical thinking cap for a minute: If the *masses* of AA men and the so called progressive black establishment industry promoted marriage AND family life with both word and *DEED* would AA’s: 1)Have the highest rates of our children in foster care when we aren’t even half of the population? 2)Have a need to have non-black families some of whom have not dealt with white privilege and racism enough to teach black children how to successfully manage prejudice? 3) 70% out of wedlock birth rate? 4) Children in school who are functional illiterate and unprepared or work or college? Please do not misunderstand: I’m ALL for support stable and functional black families but I’m unwilling to pretend that other black women, and children ARE NOT HURTING. Because I’m interculturally married myself, promoting marriage has never been issue because it’s a part of his culture and my parents have been married over 30 years. Peace
  25. Busybee Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Roger Madison THANK YOU for being honest. I greatly appreciate it. I do believe that our culture has become perverted by some liberal/progressive "experiments", hijacked by prison/hiphop/rap bafoonery, and so on. I support black families but I'm not violating my personal code of conduct to do so. Denying the issues isn't helping. If people don't see it will harm the entire black collective.
  26. Whyte23 Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @ NappyKitchen Wow! This is very interesting...thank you for reading my posting! I would to respond by stating that you are correct I'm Healthy/Happily married to my queen/wife for 22 yrs, two children (a son 1st yr in college & a daughter in high school), We have (2)Trucks and Car, & a cat named "BASHA"! My wife & I were employed by the same Fortune 500 Corp American Company that with the Grace of God what should we do if both of us get laid-off ....What is our PLAN? Guest what! HappyKitchen We both got laid off my wife in 2008 & then I was handed a pink slip in 2009. You are correct once more Black family did take a hit in declining certain paying jobs ... we were one of them! We're hard-workers, educated, pay-taxes, faith believers, mid-class American Family. But, our hopes & dreams was not relying on the job to help us in our relationship to work as a team (husband/wife)..that life's challenges are going to hand you what seem to be not-fair at times. The talk & news coverage, about the recession, as believes our Faith in God, let us know it was design to happen to us ...to share with others that what seem to be a setback is indeed a set-up. Hearing people say what they cannot do as stated in your own words" It isn't practical to tell people to get a degree & universities aren't a career path for every American" Then I would like to pose a question for you...What is your plan? For when life hands you lemons... (a)do you make lemonade or (b)keep eating sour lemons or (C) doing nothing at all. It's all about choices ..... Back to responding to your statement we should promote contraception.....(please do not take this the incorrect way). Why do I or any other family have to promote contraception instead of trying to promote getting educated, work on healthy relationships/marriages, sexy with value added and lead by example of being happily/healthy in love with your king/queen CAN WORK! To set a standard an or goals to achieve greatness in spite of Life's Challenges (Including the Recession) Why can it be practical to show & educate our young ladies & young men (boys & girls) Sons & Daughters that choices that you make now can cost you a lot or a little or it can cost you a life-time of pain. It's how you recover from the choices one makes! I speak as an example of one recovering from this recession..... People may doubt "What You Say", but they will always believe "What You Do"! Again thank you for reading Marcus Whyte23 For Healthy Marriages! Writing about NOT what I've heard nor read but, what I KNOW! .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me! =-.
  27. NappyKitchen Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Whyte23 Like I said, college and the economy cant deal with the influx of recently graduated, unless you are going into the medical field or hard sciences, the market will be saturated. It also wouldnt be responsible for a man to marry a woman without a stable job with some benefits etc. Until then, people will have sex, we should encourage contraception so no more children grow up in broken homes and in poverty.
  28. Whyte23 Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @NappyKitchen, with the rate of single parent African American households standing at over 70% you are correct in the statement that something must be done to help alleviate children growing up in both broken homes and poverty. Education does not only come from the class room it also comes from the examples in our lives that helps to form our values. My goal is to raise two children who understand that all the relationships that they have prior to marriage will play a part in their marriage. They can in some cases hinder you from making good choices. Again it is all about choices so if you chose to promote contraception practices and I chose to promote abstinence until marriage we should both gain our desired result of alleviating the issue of children being born into poverty and broken homes. In addition my choice will also help to alleviate the baggage of sexual scares which could be brought into their future relationships. The economy looks bad and I and my family have been affected by it, but I chose to stay positive and promote a positive mindset to all that I meet. I agree that school might not be for everyone but education is. Learn a trade, learn anything that you can in order to better your life. Yes the black middle class is become a dying breed in our country but teaching our children to be responsible and accountable is our job, the most important one. So I as a black husband and father will teach and promote that marriage is good for children, couples and society because in my lifetime I have found it to be. PS money can's buy love..so please marry for the reasons that are best for your relationship, security may be one of the reasons but it should not be the main focus. .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me! =-.
  29. Busybee Friday - 14 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Good luck to you Whyte23. I wish you, and your family the best. I love your attitude.
  30. Whyte23 Saturday - 15 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Busybee, Thank you for your comment...Much Love & Blessings to you & your FAMILY! Peace & Productivity... ~ Marcus Whyte23 "Faith and patience work together," .-= Whyte23´s last blog ..I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me! =-.
  31. Common Sense Friday - 21 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Hi, everyone! This is my first post on here, so I hope to make it a good one. First, to kind of establish my credibility, I am 38 years old, my wife is 36, and on August 27, we make 16 years married. In the next few weeks, our children will be 15 and 13, respectively. So, I think we're a good fit for this website with the topics I have seen thus far! :) As for the conversation at hand, I don't think it's so much a thing about promoting marriage as it is about making it clear you're married. And, when you do make it clear you're married, you do instinctively tend to do so in a positive manner. The receiver of your message will get the hint(whether verbally or non-verbally). Thus, you're pretty much promoting without promoting. Another thing is that if kids are given a good example growing up, that will tend to transition into their own relationships. My kids have seen me & my wife fuss at each other from time to time, but they also have seen us playing around the house, cracking jokes on each other, hugging, and sometimes kissing; in other words they see that marriage can be a wonderful thing; yet it's not all peaches & cream 100% of the time. At least they can get an idea of what to expect. Last, if that mutual love & respect for each spouse is readily apparent in how other see your interaction, that's all the promotion you need. In other words, for those that are happy, just be. That's all the promotion that's needed. .-= Common Sense´s last blog ..Are there still loyal radio listeners nowadays? =-.
  32. Tiya Friday - 21 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Welcome Common Sense! It sounds like you are giving your children a very real view of marriage, which is important too. I agree that our actions in our marriages does all the promoting.
  33. Mr C Wednesday - 02 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Black Men promote marriage all the time ! It is something we think about from early childhood as well. It is also something we teach our children, both our sons and our daughters. I don't think there is a single Black Man that does not one day dream about meeting that perfect woman and starting his family. Unfortunatly society and the media paint a very different picture of us that is simply not true. As Black Men we understand that marriage is a journey and not a destination. On any journey there are good days and bad days and because we are candid in our discussions with each other we have a tendency to share both. I'm over 40 and all of my buddies are either married or have been married except for one and he is still trying to get over "the one that got away". The discussion needs to be more focused on understanding what it takes to have a REAL marriage and not just the promotion of the instutution of marriage itself. There is no need to further promote marriage as every single, straight, mature, and educated Black Man wants nothing more than to have a loving beautiful wife and a family. We now need to teach our young Black Men what it means to be married and arm them with the tools and knowledge to maintain this relationship. We also must educate our young Black Women on what it really means to be a "loving beautiful wife" .
  34. Tiya Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Mr C, thank you! It is so refreshing to hear that Black Men do desire to find the right woman and settle down. You're right, we don't hear that often, but I hope that is something that will be of the norm. Your comment: "We now need to teach our young Black Men what it means to be married and arm them with the tools and knowledge to maintain this relationship. We also must educate our young Black Women on what it really means to be a “loving beautiful wife” . I applaud, well said!
  35. Rifle379 Wednesday - 15 / 09 / 2010 Reply
    My experience is that most of the Black men who are married and close friends of mine understand the reality of marriage. It is a process that propels us to a new level of maturity and at times can be a difficult growth period. We are all learning through experience and generally have not been taught by older couples the nuisances of marriage. It is like asking that aunt who is a great cook about a recipe. The answer is a little of this and that... This leaves you with a vague sense of what to do. When male friends of mine ask about marriage I think the preamble that comes to mind is something like this: The institution of marriage is only for true men that have self mastery over their lower nature, who are crystal clear on their values, understands that your first priority is not self, who are financially disciplined, who are vigilent is ensuring that the home environment is nurturing, who can dismiss slights, irritation, and channel anger, who are disiciplined in speach, who understand the sexual nature of married women, and are fully committed to demonstrate love in word, speach, and deeds on a daily basis until death. When you are ready to do these things then you will be equipped with the basic tools to have a happy marriage. Now most guys are still single and free would be a little intimidated by that, but these are things that you have to learn in order to sustain a happy, love filled, and sustaining marriage. I do think that for the good of the community those who us who are happily married should use these as teaching moments as well as great plugs for marriage. It is time to promote marriage among men and change the culture.
  36. Anonymous Monday - 01 / 08 / 2011 Reply
    No.  If fact neither black men or women promote marriage. I think I do, but it is surprising people I talk to won't mention that they are married unless someone hits on them. Then it becomes more of a force field. The "its-none-of-your-business-card" if frequently played when it comes to "promoting" marriage.

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