Is There Anything That Can Shake Your Belief In Marriage?

Comments (28)

1. 

   Chandra Manns Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   We will be married 12 years in August. This is the rollercoaster ride that you get a ticket to get on but you are not supposed to get off until one of you passes away. Marriage is also like a bank account if you never make a deposit, but always making withdrawals, then you are going to be receiving some overdraft fees. Marriage is a wonderful thing. But if you think its going to be a fairy tale story, like cinderella, you are sadly mistaken. Take the time to invest in counseling before you make one of the most important decisions in your life. Don't let the wedding event fool you because when all of the hoopla is over the real thing begins and many are finding out that they were just excited about the wedding events. Not the "MAIN EVENT."
2. 

   Kiesha Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   I'm 31 and i have been married and divorced. I got married when I was 24 and divorced two years later and like you stated in your post 'it just didn't work out'. Now that I'm 31, I'm interested in getting married again and I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't want to end up like the first one. I'm a very independent woman especially because I have limited support. I grew up in Foster Care but saw some positive role models of marriage so I am hopeful about the institution of marriage. I have had to overcome challenges from childhood with abandonment and learn to stick and stay when it comes to relationships instead of running at the first sign of trouble.....it has been a journey but I remain hopeful that one day i will get a chance to marry again.
3. 

   AJ Bell Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   What I love about this blog is that no matter how bleek the subject, the bloggers find a way to keep a positive spin on the subject of marriage. It makes me think there is hope for this country, yet. What I don't like is that all the rose colored glasses are being worn by the women of the marriages. I would love to hear from BMWK's men and how wonderfully happy and hopeful they are about the journey they have taken and the path ahead of them.
4. 

   Roger Madison Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   Is there anything that can shake my belief in marriage? ABSOLUTELY NOT! My wife and I have been married for 43 years. I am 63 years old. We got married young and stayed married, because we committed to a "covenant relationship" with each other and worked at making it successful. Our marriage provided us with the basis for support to go out into the world and become all we could be. Our marriage provided the secure environment that gave our children values, character, and respect for others. Our marriage provided a relationship that helped us to confirm our belief in God by practicing the commandments we believe in -- love, honor, peace, respect, and fidelity in our marrriage. Our marriage provided us with a basis for relationships with others. My friends respected my relationship with my wife. My wife's friends supported her relationship with me. In spite of the challenges we faced together, our family and associates encouraged us to continue to be the examples for others we have become. For a little bit of humor, I would tell men at bachelor's parties that 3 things are necessary for a long and happy marriage: 1. Tell her "I love you" every day -- as often as you can. Honor her with your lips, and soon you will honor her with your life. 2. No clothes in the bedroom -- make intimacy a priority. Share your innermost thoughts and dreams, and work at becoming one. Soon your dreams will become hers and hers will become yours. You will be respected in the world by others, and your children will call your wife blessed. (see Proverbs 31) 3. Always insist on the last word. Very often the last words will be "Whatever you say, honey." Make sure you help her to become the very best person she can be. Invest in her dreams, on her terms, and the woman on the pedastal after 43 years will be someone you will praise before the entire world. All of this takes discipline. The definition of discipline is this: "Practice what you preach until you can preach what you practice." I cannot imagine how I would be able to sustain the strength of my values, and the commitment to be a good father, friend, family member, business leader -- without a wife of noble character. Roger Madison
5. 

   Aja Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   The celebrity marriages don't have much of an affect on my feelings but I wont lie, sometimes the real ones do. When I see friends and family members that have been married 20 and 30 years and then end up divorcing, that bothers me the most. I always wonder what could have gone wrong after so many years of making it work. So yes, seeing couples that I have looked up to break up may not completely shake my belief in marriage, but it does sometime give me that "it could happen to you" feeling.
6. 

   lynn Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   I was married when I was 19 and got divorced 3 years later. During my 20's I did not believe in marriage. Now that I am older and on my 2nd marriage; I know better.I do not base the success of my marriage on others, I do not compare my marriage to my friends marriages. We are happy based on what we do.
7. 

   Smiley Face Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   Too many folk have illusions of grandeur about marriage. It is NOT easy but more folk put 100 times more effort into their jobs than they do their marriage. Marriage isn't a magic button to make all the bad stuff go away, it's the next chapter in your life and it's constantly evolving. As we grow and differ so do our marriages...but folk don't want to hear that. There is NOTHING that can shake my belief in marriage but maybe that's because I know it won't be perfect and I'm not looking for it to be. I plan on spending my best years living, loving, fighting and fussing with this man until God says it's over. Folk have a tendency to stop planning after the wedding. How may of us actually sit down with our spouses and discuss action plans? How many of us dynamically shift priorities in our lives for our marriage? For some it's just a ring, paper and name change...for me it's faith, trust and a promise; constant revolution, number 1 priority. I grew up in a household where my parents never hid from us when they argued (tiffed, fussed, nothing hardcore or crazy) and they never hid from us that they were madly in love and the biggest set of lusty folks I've ever seen, lol...(I know I'm not the only one to have caught their parents in their altogether). so from them I've always, always known that I'mma fuss fight and throw some stuff at my BUT we would still love each other and it wouldn't defeat us. My parents always used to tell us "You(and your spouse) are the sun, your marriage is the moon...we know scientifically that the light of the moon is a reflection of the suns rays, so shall your marriage reflect you." I carry that within me always.
8. 

   Smiley Face Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   * should be "at my husband BUT"
9. 

   AJ Bell Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

   THANK YOU MR. MADISON...that gives me hope!!!
10. 

    Fran Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    i dont look at celebrity marriages except to say awwww. i have yet to com across something that can shake my belief in marriage. unlike parenting advice from folks marriage advice from people who have been married,40,50,60 and yes even 70 years plus is something i take into account and to heart. they know what they talking about. they all give the same exact advice,no matter the race or creed or belief. so it must be some truth to what they are saying. i make sure i pray for our marriage, that is the best thing i can do.
11. 

    Kim Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    @Smiley Face...“You(and your spouse) are the sun, your marriage is the moon…we know scientifically that the light of the moon is a reflection of the suns rays, so shall your marriage reflect you.” I love it! Thanks for sharing!
12. 

    Ronnie Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    I saw some really crumby, disfunctional..but long marriages as I was growing up. But I still believe in marriage and I believe that it can be good and it does not have to be torture either. I think you have to make a decision to be happy and to be proactive in ensuring that your marriage works....counseling, marriage ministry, books, websites, ...do what ever it takes to protect your marriage. I really can't use celebrities as good marriage examples because I don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Sometimes you think those people have a good marriage..but it turns out that they were faking in public and that they had all sorts of problems in the background they were not trying to really work on. .-= Ronnie´s last blog ..My Journey Through The Beauty Of Homebirth =-.
13. 

    jo Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Love this article! I agree with what Smiley Face and R. Madison had to say. Here is what I think... so many people are simply married to prove an "invalid" point (someone married me, I have a hubby/wifey, people thought this wouldn't last but... etc). Why should you care what people think or see? Some members of my family question my sexuality because I am not jumping over a broom and living the "World Version" of marriage. LOL. I still have not made it my business to prove anything to them. Marriage is an institution created by God so people must stop comparing theirs to Jay Z and Beyonce's. Also, as I am learning, folks put little to no time in preparing for their role in marriage. Really, if you two decide to live by the “INDEPENDENT” manual and don’t plan to give up anything, why are you getting married? I am single and it will be that way until God says otherwise but I do believe and respect marriage --I believe in the one who created it. I, like many of you, was raised with parents who have a strong bond, but I notice that some traits they carry within their union are near lost in my generation -- selflessness, passion, and discipline. No one believes in anything but themselves these days. I stand by the belief that if your marriage is within God's plans, not yours, absolutely nothing will break your union. I enjoy visiting sites like BMWK because I think too many media outlet portray marriage as a shopping rendezvous on Rodeo Drive and not what it truly is. Thank you :-)
14. 

    Harriet Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    I don't think anything can shake my belief in marriage. My husband and I have been through so much hardship in ours, and we've learned to work together through them. As we speak, he is in ICU, and we were just talking about how important we are to one another. It's so easy to take things for granted until a life threatening occasion arises. Surely an emergency like this further solidified my belief that if you work at a marriage, the marriage will work! I'd also like to co-sign with smiley face where she said, "Too many folk have illusions of grandeur about marriage. It is NOT easy but more folk put 100 times more effort into their jobs than they do their marriage. Marriage isn’t a magic button to make all the bad stuff go away, it’s the next chapter in your life and it’s constantly evolving. " Amen to that! GREAT article, Tara!
15. 

    Dee Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    I will be married for a year on June 12th and I'm excited! Marriage is not all about skipping through the lilly's and daisy's like I assumed it would be, but that's okay. I love my husband and we made a committment before God that we'd love eachother until death parts us, and I intend to keep my promise, through the hard, bad, and sad times.
16. 

    eddie brite Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    ...and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Mark 10:8. Almost 34 years married. 45 years boy/girlfriend. 52 years friends. Grew up together in the church. Marriage still has the appeal to us. We have endured stuff and are quite sure marriage is for us never ending. Still refer to her as "girlfriend." Took the time to read all the above post. Made a bright day even better. eg brite
17. 

    Michael Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    It seems like an epidemic of adulterous relationships everywhere. It's sad and it's scary. To the question, can anything shake up a marriage, the answer is yes. But can that thing destroy it? If we let it, yes. Things come to sometimes purposely destroy marriages and more often blind-side them. But, when those things come, do we stand firmly and deeply rooted in the love that brought us together? If you can stand together, you can make it together. For the closer you stand toward one another, the less room you give for anything to come between you and your spouse.
18. 

    Staycee2 Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Thank you Mr. Roger Madison and I just love the 3 things you touched on!!! Communication Communication Communication is all I can say!!!!! My husband is my best friend, therefore I share EVERYTHING with him and he reciprocates the same to me. I have nothing more to say!
19. 

    Natalie Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    I am 33 years old, and i have not been married (as yet). I didnt start thinking about marriage until i turned 30. but when i see people who are close to me going thru seperations and divorces it does make me wonder a little about what could have been the base of their problem. but it has never waivered me from wanting to find that person that i can spend my life with. Only thing i am concerened with is that when i do make that commitment that the lord will bless my union. btw.....i love this website, keep up the good work !
20. 

    LaKeshia @ Kreative Talk Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Are you feeling as confident about the institution of marriage? What are you doing to make sure yours stays in tip-top shape? I am feeling some kind of way abaout the institution of marriage as a whole, but confient about my marriage. First, I feel too many people are getting married for validation or for show. Nowadays, people take marriages for granted or as some sort of fairy tale. As far as we, my husband and I, making our marriage stay in tip-top shape...Pray, pray, and pray some more. I'm not leaving out communication, understanding, and praise, but when people start allowing other people in their marriages in place of God is when the marriages start to fall. For instance, when one of my close friend started having marital problems, she began to talk about her problems with co-workers, instead of praying and speaking with her pastor. Also, let's not forget...in marriages, there is no 50/50, I believe it is 100/100, both the husband and wife must give 100% to the marriage. .-= LaKeshia @ Kreative Talk´s last blog ..Change How You Think About It =-.
21. 

    Shana Walker Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Marriage is what you make it . If you put effort in it it will work trust and communication is the key...
22. 

    Jah'love Shakur Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Is there anything that can shake my belief in MY marriage? No, my belief remains strong...in fact every day I ask myself how I got so lucky or rather blessed to have the type of marriage people only dream about. Now don't get me wrong, marriage isn’t easy and equals (=) work, but after a while it becomes a breeze when you finally recognize how grateful you are to share another day of your life with that someone who makes you better and vice versa. I can honestly say that my marriage saved my life, and I can't imagine living without her... The fact that so many marriages don't work out, only validates that what I have is beyond chance, but ordained by the heavens. Life is all about making educated life decisions to include your choice in a spouse (their character), education attainment, children, choice of career, etc. What has worked for my wife and I is to set priorities based on our end goals, which is to be together forever; so our priorities after God are listed as such: 1. Marriage 2. Family 3. Careers Marriage is an investment and a contribution into making abstract ideals a reality which fosters a positive family environment that encourages growth and serves as an example that strong Black Marriages and Families do exist beyond The Cosby Show. Blessings, Jah’love
23. 

    Nicocopuff Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Nothing can shake my belief in marriage. I am 31yrs old and this is my second marriage. My husband and I have been married for one year and eight months. I have learned alot, this second time around. Communication and respect are two things that are key in my relationship and although it does get rough at times, I wouldn't trade the feeling that I get when I see my hubby for the world.
24. 

    NappyKitchen Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Hello everyone. I am a first time poster here and I hope I can contribute to the subject of marriage. I have been married since 2004. Things have happened in my marriage that would scare the bejesus out of all people. The turn around was when my husband and I DECIDED (thats right) we made the decision to make things work out between us-despite our families, despite our past, despite what I said, depsite what he said...despite everything. There is nothing wrong with marriage. Divorces shouldnt make us forsake marriage any more than food poisoning should make us forsake food. Nothing in life is guaranteed. None of us, however, made vows stating otherwise. Besides, if you want to get academic about it, there is just too much research out there, conclusive evidence, suggesting that marriage is good for our health. Literally. Many of the nay sayers would argue that marriage isnt what it used to be because of infidelity, abuse, financial crises, lies etc. I would ask them, since the decline of marriage, has any of those things gone away? No, in fact they have increased considerably. Marriage doesnt have an image problem. Our culture and values are in decline. Once we create a culture and the values necessary to handle it, than our marriages will be as strong as we DECIDE we want it to be.
25. 

    Busybee Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    Are you feeling as confident about the institution of marriage? What are you doing to make sure yours stays in tip-top shape? Yes, I do feel confident about the institution of marriage. My confidence comes from my faith in my higher power, and my higher powers mandate for creation. I’ve never read of or heard of any civilization that survived without marriage. Adultery is one ugly animal altogether but I don’t consider divorce the end all. I look at it as the reorganization of your family, and an opportunity to begin a new marriage for both ex-spouses. Concerning my own marriage our biggest goal is to keep the lines of communication open, to respect each other, to be honest about what we can and cannot do, and to always be willing to change in order to accommodate each other or our circumstances. We also try to accept each other for who we are as well as where we are in our stage of growth. We created a dating space in our basement! It’s like a signature hotel! At least for us! We are always looking for ways to connect. Roger Madison, I’ve been reading many of your comments on this website. You are a fresh of breath air, and I’m so glad to see black men commenting. After all of the internet wars between black men and women on how horrible we both are, this website is literally a beacon of light. So glad people understand that hatred, rage, and un-even anger or dangerous and unhealthy. Peace
26. 

    Busybee Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    P.S. I hope I didn't offend any black men who don't comment! I've shown my husband this website but he isn't into internet becuase he's tired from work and family obligations. Also, allot of men have seen the sewerage posted all over the blogosphere about their supposed character. Peace
27. 

    KayEm17 Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply

    I remember when I heard that Bill Cosby had stepped out on his wife. You would've thought Bill was my father. I was heartbroken and disillusioned. If the Jell-o Man/Dr. Huxtable couldn't stay faithful, who could? Thankfully I have since realized that marriage isn't about what other folks are doing. Nearly 13 years ago, I made a vow to God to love my husband until death do us part. It may not be pretty on some of those days, but taking it one day at a time, we're making it. And we've gotten pretty good at it. I love my husband more today than I did when I fell for him all those years ago. We have three kids, yet our intimacy is better than it's ever been and I enjoy laughing, crying, learning and living together. .-= KayEm17´s last blog ..Marriage Requires Higher Education =-.
28. 

    redeemedmarriage Monday - 12 / 09 / 2011 Reply

    Thanks for the thought provoking question.  My response is as follows:  making my spouse my first priority (after God), however, I admit its not as easy as it sounds.  I will persevere and continue to believe in the institution until God falls off His throne.  =)