Is There Such a Thing as Constructive Criticism?
by Harriet Hairston
Ladies, raise your hands if you have ever been accused by your husband of nagging and/or criticizing him when in actuality you were just trying to help him see his shortcomings? (Don’t worry…I can’t see you). LOL
Gentlemen, raise your hands if your wife has ever shared her observations of you with you, but it made you want to run and hide because it seemed too critical? (I can’t see you, either…but if your wife is in the room, be careful). LOL
I recently read a Marriage 911 article that could possibly resolve these issues! I most certainly learned a lot from it. I laughed as I thought about the little things that annoy me about my husband, and the same vice versa. This article helped me put those things into perspective so when I discuss them with Mr. Incredible (my new moniker for my husband), he won’t tune me out or chalk my viewpoint as mere nagging or criticism.
- “Anytime you are in a close relationship with another, unless they are a clone of you—and perhaps even then—they will have habits and quirks that get under your skin.” This basically means that I should not minimize my nerve wrecking habits in order to magnify his. We both have issues and shortcomings, and it’s important to keep them in perspective. I don’t like the fact that he smacks when he eats, but he doesn’t like the fact that I walk out of my shoes when I get off work and leave them right there until I either wear them again or decide I’m tired of tripping over them.
- “Having amplified their quirks we tend to pathologize them.” So is Mr. Incredible’s smacking something dangerous, or does it just irk my nerves? Do I have a disorder because I leave my shoes in disorder, or is that just a shortcoming that needs to be addressed? It’s easy to make a mountain out of a molehill when our spouse is wearing on our last good nerve, but ask yourself this question when that happens: “Is is REALLY that serious?” If so, seek counsel. If not, get somewhere and sit down.
- “Amplifying a petty issue often leads to shaming that behavior.” Mr. Incredible had the nerve to call me out after he had tripped over my shoes for the umpteenth time (and trust me, at a size 12W, they’re hard to miss). I had the nerve to tell him he had absolutely no manners because he smacked in my ear one too many times. In essence, we became judge and jury of one another instead of just living and letting live.
- “Keep issues in perspective.” Ask yourself the same question from #2: Is is really that serious? Put the issue in perspective and keep it moving to maintain peace and serenity in your homes!
- Finally, “if the [issues are that serious], determine to talk about them in non-injurious ways.” We have the ability to build up our spouses and challenge them towards greatness. Decide that if it is that serious, you will not become judge and jury to your spouse, but that you will encourage him/her to bring out the best in themselves.
To steal the Ma’ats mantra, we have to stop playing around with petty irritation and annoyances and start pushing ourselves and our spouses towards greatness. Sharing our annoyances and criticisms can be constructive, but we must always strive to keep things in perspective to prevent getting distracted from our goals and family/marriage visions.
BMWK, what are some things that get on your nerves about your spouse? Are they really THAT serious? What are some things you do that get on your spouse’s nerves? Is it worth taking a look at?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: ”author.” You can purchase her first book, ”Who Are You?“ simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.
Add a comment
Comments (9)