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Who’s Telling You How to Raise Your Kids?

Parenting

by  |  on May 5th, 2010  |  26 comments

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Is it difficult to hear a critique of your parenting skills? When I had my first child (almost 13 years ago), I was convinced I knew how to take care of a baby. I read books and watched programs, so there was nothing anyone could say that would be more effective than what I was already doing.

When my daughter was just a few weeks old, I read and heard from the pediatrician that it was not necessary to bathe the baby every single day, so I followed that recommendation.  While I washed my baby daily, I didn’t give her a bath every day. Boy oh boy my mom and mother-in-law had a field day with that one. They thought I was crazy, because in all of their years of raising children they had never heard of such a thing. They urged me to bathe the baby every day.  I gave in that time. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of the countless instructions I would receive over the years on how to raise my girls.

A recent conversation brought this back up for me. A friend questioned whether or not to say something to a relative who she felt was neglecting their child. My response was yes, because our priority has to be to the child and not the parent’s ego. Another friend gave me permission to discipline her child as I would my own, if I see her misbehaving. There are some parents who struggle with the idea of someone else telling them how to raise their children or even telling their children what to do. I know it can depend, however, on how the advice is delivered and the motives behind it. To some it also depends on who is offering up the suggestions. Is it someone without children; is it a nosy neighbor or a loving grandparent? I am not afraid to admit that I am not a perfect parent and I don’t always know the right thing to do. I am still learning this parenting thing as I go, but I am open to listening, when I know it benefits my children.

BMWK Parents, how do you handle constructive criticism on how you are raising your children?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (26)

  1. Roger Madison Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Tiya, This is an excellent topic for discussion. Similar to the workplace rule to avoid "politics and religion," with parenting, the list "includes politics, religion, AND raising the children." The marvelous thing about the experience is that it is a constant learning process. What parents do more than anything else is "learn about their child's needs." Others don't always understand, so the advice often comes with less than a full understanding of what you have learned, experienced, and tried before.. Nevertheless, it is good to listen politely and assure your friends and relatives that you are doing the very best you know how. Thank them for their input, and stay in charge of the learning and growing process. Others may care about you and your child, but no one loves your child like you do. Enjoy the journey, and as your child grows older, it will be come a journey that you are taking together. You will marvel at the changing responsibility as your child grows into adulthood. Your goal is to get your child there in a manner that they arrive as a responsible, self-sufficient adult who is a positive contributor to our society. Roger Madison
  2. Connie Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Well said Roger Madison!!! Each child and their experiences are different. Some things work for one but may not work for another. In my 18 years of parenting I still don't have all the right answers but it's a process. Recently my oldest daughter said she felt as if she was the "test dummy" to see if things work or not. In some ways she is although I don't consider her a "test dummy" more like a "rough draft". Every day is a learning adventure. I have received advice from friends and family. There are some things I consider, some I try, and some I just let fall by the waistside. Ultimately I make the decisions that i feel are best for my children.
  3. Staycee2 Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I'm a work in progress everyday.. But I am very leary about taking advice from people that have horrible kids and people that have never ever experienced the joys of parenthood.
  4. Ken S Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I admit, I'm quick to disregard the whole "it worked for us backed then" argument. If the advice doesn't make sense to me or contradicts some notion that I believe in my heart to be true, I have a hard time seriously considering the advice. I do try to make a conscious effort to listen, and I also try to be aware of when my ego is ignoring potentially good advice. I do owe it to my children to consider all things that will benefit them. But I also have my wordly advice radar up at all times as folks give advice based on their personal life experiences...and just because it "worked" for them doesn't mean it's the best course of action. But Tiya, Dr. Seuss does not count as an advice book and Barney doesn't count as an parenting tutorial...and never listen to your mom or mine (I thought we already agreed on that). Oh, and keep up the good work!!
  5. Ken S Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I admit, I'm quick to disregard the whole "it worked for us backed then" argument. If the advice doesn't make sense to me or contradicts some notion that I believe in my heart to be true, I have a hard time seriously considering the advice. I do try to make a conscious effort to listen, and I also try to be aware of when my ego is ignoring potentially good advice. I do owe it to my children to consider all things that will benefit them. But I also have my wordly advice radar up at all times as folks give advice based on their personal life experiences...and just because it "worked" for them doesn't mean it's the best course of action. But Tiya, Dr. Seuss does not count as an advice book and Barney doesn't count as a parenting tutorial...and never listen to your mom or mine (I thought we already agreed on that). Oh, and keep up the good work!!
  6. Tiya Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Roger, I couldn't have said that any better. How we raise our children is a very sensitive subject. It has been for me as well, sometimes I would take it as a personal attach, but I know in my heart that I will always do what is best for my children. But you said it perfectly, we are doing the best we know how. @Connie, I like that term "rough draft" I'll have to use that one. @Staycee, oh there are definitely certain people that I cannot take advice from, I agree with you on that one! @Ken, you know I just love your comments. :O ) But I think we are on the same page with "it worked for us back then" everything doesn't work for every child.
  7. Ronnie Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I love this post and it brought back memories for me. Since I had our oldest son at a young age, most of my friends were not mothers. And I used to absolutely HATE when they would tell me what to do with my child. "Girl -you gone let him do that?? " and "Girl - my mama never let me ......" It used to burn me up. But now all of them have kids and I just laugh to myself. I think that people should keep their opinions to themselves. If it is truly an opinion and if I did not ask, then I would prefer that you keep it to yourself. .... Because you are not me and you are not going to handle things the way I will, and you may or may not know the needs of my child. So if I choose to give my child a time out instead of a spanking....I don't think it is another person's business to interject. Or if I decide that my child should start doing chores at age 8 instead of age 5...again..that's for me to decide. I really like Mr. Roger's advice on how to deal with this: "good to listen politely and assure your friends and relatives that you are doing the very best you know how. Thank them for their input, and stay in charge of the learning and growing process." That is very good advice that I mostly follow now. But when I was a younger mother, I always felt the need to explain or justify what I was doing...it was not a good feeling. .-= Ronnie´s last blog ..My Journey Through The Beauty Of Homebirth =-.
  8. Fran Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    i had my two oldest kids at a young age and it was trial and error,they are my "rough drafts". i was 17 with two little ones and i was very overprotective, strong disciplinarian, but at the same time i let them have whatever they wanted as long as they followed my rules to the T. no one ever gave me advice, i had people asking how could they get their children to be so well behaved, and they were older than me! lol. buy after i got married i had two more and my older kids will tell me all the time "uhhh ma u lettin them get away with murder" which is kinda true, but having someone to help me raise them takes alot of the pressure off of me that i felt when i was younger. when you are young people are lookin for you to fail and fail miserably, and i didnt want to give them that satisfaction. i also enjoy these last two a little bit more than the first because i can cut them some slack, my husband is the disciplinarian int heir case and that is really fine with me, they can come to me for lovin and kisses,mwah!!
  9. Bryan Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I don't have the time to smile politely and thank people for their advice. I cut them off and explain to them in a not so nice tone that their opinion is none of my business. When you are feeding my baby, then you get to have an opinion. Trust me, you tell them to mind their own business and they'll think twice before saying anything.
  10. Anna Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Yes, parenting is "trial and error" and what works for one child even w/the same parents does not work for all. I found long ago that being a parent does bring the most unsolicited advice, even from "non parents". LOL. Most of us don't even raise our kids the way we were raised. In my household my kids knew a tree branch as just that, a branch w/leaves connected to a tree, , not a "switch". An extention cord is something you plug into a outlet, not used to whoop a child.( I never got whooped w/either but my mom"s slipper brings back fond memories). To any one w/ a child in the terrible twos(mode) and the child wants to throw a trantrum on the floor(in public or at home), ignore them, this is my unsolicited advice and it does work. Kids only want their way and attention. My grandbaby has "lapitis and hipitis". (she is only 4 months old). Grannie Annie don't play that. I am not going to pick her up everytime she cries. If you feed a infant, burp them and change them, they are fine, unless they are sick. My grandbaby is not sick, she just wants to be held all day long , and I don't want a spoiled attached at the hip/lap grandchild. Grandparents are to spoil their grand babies, don't get me wrong. I want to spoil with "things"/my time and wait for her to get older to sugar her up and send her back home to her parents w/out a nap. LOL. I am a mess, I know. I only want to do send the baby home as a toddler w/out a nap and sugared one once.
  11. Tiya Wednesday - 05 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Anna, do you find yourself giving advice/opinions on how your grandbaby should be raised, or are you allowing her parents to go through the trial and error parts of parenting too? Your comment was too funny. Good point Ronnie, about other people not knowing what your child needs or what is working for your family, when they are on the outside looking in. Fran, I agree, I think when you are young people do expect you not to know what you're doing as you're raising your children, but if others were asking you for advice, then you know you were doing it right. Alright now Bryan, I bet that shuts them right up.
  12. Fran Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Funny story about falling out(yes funny) when my daughter was about 2y.o. we were in a walmart and there was something she wanted really bad and i wouldnt buy it for her so bam she hit the ground sceaming and hollering like i killed her and i was thinkin oh no she didnt(first time falling out in public where she knew i could tap her taile) so i looked at her trying to embarrass me and something in me said "JUST RUNAWAY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION" i grabbed my 1y.o and my purse and i started running towards the front of walmart and oowwee next thing i know she she was chasing me like "mommy mommy dont leave me" i stopped running and told her i will leave her if she ever in her life fell out again. she was blubbering and crying,snot coming out her noses, yes mommy, i hugged her,told her i love her and when we get home you gone get it. i had to repeat this same performance for my son one year later. they never did it again. did it for my 5y.o when he was 2. waiting on my 1y.o haahahahaha lololol oh the memories(:-)
  13. Tiya Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Fran, I really appreciate this laugh this morning! LOL, this is hilarious!
  14. Nujee Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Lol @ Fran,now that's some advice I'll take!
  15. Anna Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Tiya May 5, 2010 at 9:59 pm @Anna, do you find yourself giving advice/opinions on how your grandbaby should be raised, or are you allowing her parents to go through the trial and error parts of parenting too? Your comment was too funny ~~~~~~~ That is a great question. I am a new grannie and what I do in my house vs what my son and his fiance' do in their house is going to be different. I think I have a right to grandparent even differently than I parented. It's funny. When I drove home for lunch today (I listen to "talk radio) . There was a grandmother talking about how her son and daughter-in-law make meal time "choas"( they want to make sure eveyone eats everything on their plate and no one can leave the table until everyone has finished their food). The host of the show said" What they do at their house is what they do. Grandma's house is suppose to be fun, and you can't tell your kids how to raise their own kids(unless you want a war). . That is so true and so far (a whole 4 months of being a grannie) I don't do that, but only tell them to quit picking her up all the time. She will not break if you hold her, but she will also be ok it you don't. I am very loving, affectionate, and caring, compassionate, etc........... I really do not want a spoiled grandchild. I will leave her on a Kmart, Kohls floor and run to another aisle. LOL. Y'all know I would not leave my grandbaby on the floor in tantrum mode, my own kids yes(I really did not do that to my kids) Being g a Grandparent is so different. I am relaexed and more free and have more money to spend.
  16. Fran Thursday - 06 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    u know when she fell out it wasnt funny it was embarrassing and i didnt know what to do so when the thought popped in my head to run i did. my 16y.o daughter and 14y.o son laugh about it now and when i did my next son like that they saw how embarrassing it was and didnt blame me. there was/is nothing wrong with what i did,not abuse or anything, i just improvised. i knew i wasnt really leaving her/him/him in the store but they didnt and my kids have not fell out in public since and 3 down and 1to go!!! i never give unasked for advice but when they ask me how did i get my kids to stop falling out in public i tell them,they do it and they tell me thanks. i dont cut slack when it comes to raising children its a very serious thing and if GOD is willing to entrust them into my care then i will raise them HIS way and no one elses.NO ONE!!!!
  17. Bryan Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Anna, You can't spoil an infant. In fact, the research shows just the opposite. Now, I'm not saying you should hold a baby all day. After all, one must keep their sanity. But it is actually just the opposite. When you respond to an infants cries you are teaching them that you love them and they are learning to trust you. This creates a sense of security and gives babies more independence as they get older. By letting a baby cry endlessly people are making it harder for themselves down the line. Again, you can't spoil an infant.
  18. Anna Friday - 07 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    Bryan May 7, 2010 at 2:26 am @Anna, You can’t spoil an infant. In fact, the research shows just the opposite. Now, I’m not saying you should hold a baby all day. After all, one must keep their sanity. But it is actually just the opposite. When you respond to an infants cries you are teaching them that you love them and they are learning to trust you. This creates a sense of security and gives babies more independence as they get older. By letting a baby cry endlessly people are making it harder for themselves down the line. Again, you can’t spoil an infant. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I have heard that before, but she won't let me put her in her swing or anything. I can set her down to throw her diaper away and she is not a happy camper, even though she is pyhsically fine.
  19. Fran Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @ bryan i see that no one can give you advice but u can dish it up to anna. she didnt ask for your opinion she made a comment on this blog. what her children do with they child is their business and what she does with her grandbaby is her business. next time someone offers you advice on your child think about this blog and instead of being nasty about it just say a polite thanks but no thanks.
  20. Fran Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @ bryan i see that no one can give you advice but u can dish it up to anna. she didnt ask for your opinion she made a comment on this blog. what her children do with they child is their business and what she does with her grandbaby is her business. next time someone offers you advice on your child think about this blog and instead of being nasty about it just say a polite thanks but no thanks. having children is the same as wearing our hearts on the outside of our bodies. its a hard blow if someone tries to tell you that THEY think you are doing something wrong with your child. we take it oh so personal, but it USED to take a village to raise a child and kids were better of for it, when the neighbor saw u do something wrong your momma knew before u could get home to tell her( u were hoping and praying while racing home that she hadnt heard though) and it was good. cause u stayed out of trouble because u knew u were not getting away with it and now look at what a mess we have on our hands.
  21. Fran Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    kids are way worse than when we were growing up and thats because the village that it took to raise us is now minding their own business. where i live a little 10y.o girl was followed by a man as she was walking from the bus stop in her apartment complex and when she saw he was following her she started to run and he was running after her telling her he had a gun and she better stop running and she started screaming and crying for help and she finally made it home and the man disapeared. i know people saw and heard her but no one came to see about her, not one neighbor. the village has disapeared and by GODS grace she was not taken by this pervert out on parole(the apartment had video surveillance and they caught him) and all because we are no longer willing to help each other out by keeping an eye out for OUR children,OUR future leaders of tomorrow. yes our children are on our sleeve but we need advice and assistance with them. they will be better off for it and it just might save their life!!!!
  22. Bryan Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Fran. Rereading my comment, I fail to see any nastiness in my comment to Anna. Can you want to specifically point out where I was nasty to her? I actually thought I was quite respectful. Plus, my understanding is that this is a blog and the comments section was a good place for dialogue and discussion. I'm just as entitled to comment on someone's comment as you are about mine. Do you have a problem with me posting a comment that was not directed at you? And I notice that you didn't comment on the substance of my comment, i.e. the research aspect.
  23. Fran Saturday - 08 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @ bryan your advice to anna was sweet and your info was great. i believe like you that there is no such thing as spoiling a baby by showing her attention. i was referring to your original comment about i dont have time to smile politely and thank people for their advice. i cut them off and ....... well you know the rest.
  24. Tiya Monday - 10 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Fran, that is an awful story, it's like we're afraid to get involved or either just don't care because we're too consumed with our own lives, but either way, we do need that village. It would really help if these kids felt like their were other adults who would stop them from misbehavin as well be there for them when they needed it. Excellent point!
  25. Krystle McBride Tuesday - 25 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    I have been living with my husband for the past 7 and a half years know. The first 2 years that we where together we lived with his mom, sister, grand-ma, and grand-pa. Our daughter was 1 before we had moved out and the whole entire time that we where up there they would get on to me every tim that I got onto Nakol (my daughter). They just wanted to let her do whatever she wanted to do. I had no say so and my husband would not stand up for me eighter. Well it has been a few years know and some things has got better, but other thing are just as bad. My husband is about to have back surgery and he wants to move up to his parents and grand parents house and I don't want to go up there cause they will say something to me when I get on to Nakol. And every time I send her to bed and she don't want to and starts yelling they will be like ,why don't you just let that pore baby stay up a little longer. And then the more they but into our life the more Nakol isn't going to listen to me and my husband. I don't think so, she is already difficult and that will just make it worse. What should I do? Should I just go ahead and move in up there temp. or stand my ground and stay home. I really want to suport my husband and go up there with him but when I think about how they are going to act. it stops me every time. I have told my husband how I feel and he just says that I am being sellfish[not spelled right]. What should I do? I don't want him to think that I don't care. Cause I love him more that anything.
  26. Tiya Friday - 28 / 05 / 2010 Reply
    @Krystle, I do understand your wanting to support your husband, that is what a wife should do, is there a way that you can support your husband/take care of him after his surgery without your family having to move in with his parents? If you can take care of him, there isn't a real need for you to move in with his family. That doesn't sound like an ideal situation for you. What I do recommend, if you decide to go there, is to put a firm, but respectful foot down (since they are his parents, I don't promote being disrespectful) but in a gentle but firm way, let them know, you have to do what's best for your child, you are raising her to be respectful, to follow rules etc. etc, and you would appreciate if they would support you in that. You can even layout further, the type of child/teen/adult you want your daughter to be and how the rules you have in place now are going to shape her into that person. It would also be a good idea for you have a good sit down with your husband sharing some of those same things and your feelings. I pray that it all works out for you.

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