The Secret Languages of Women

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on June 2nd, 2010 | 41 comments

womanwhispering

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Husbands, boyfriends, men in general listen up. What is about to be revealed are some translations to the body languages, expressions and words (of women) you may have wondered about, but were too afraid or confused to ask. I hope my sisters will forgive me for spilling the beans, but ladies there are just some things our men need to know, so let’s bring them out of darkness. Sometimes we say certain things and there really is another meaning behind the words. Listed here are a few of the more common translations.

1. “Have I gained weight? Do I look bigger? Do I look fat?” all translate to “Do I still look good to you?” So men, the best response is always “baby, you look good to me!”

2. The silent treatment. Even when we say there is nothing bothering us, please know it usually is something and you either were directly involved or should have helped us with whatever it was. Occasionally we just don’t know how to express it or we are still too upset to discuss. We need a little time.

3. Wearing the ugly/frumpy pajamas to bed translates to we are not interested in making love. You may still be attracted to us when we are looking a hot mess, but believe me you’ll know when we feel sexy and are in the mood.

Side note to ladies – please don’t pull out those frumpy pjs too often.

4. Men say they can’t read minds but women say you better give it the old college try. If we’ve been together for years we absolutely expect you to know our needs, wants and desires and no that’s not too much to ask. We expect in that time that you would have really gotten to know us and our idiosyncrasies.

5. Women’s intuition. We trust it, so if we say another woman was flirting with you, she was! We need you not to be naïve about it and nip it in the bud.

6. When you overhear us talking to the kids loudly saying things like “Mommy will do it, doesn’t mommy always do it?” it is intentional and purposely said for you to hear in the hopes it would provoke more action out of you.

7. Last on this list, but definitely one of the most common misconstrued languages of women is timing. Guys, I know for sure you know this one by now. When we say just a few minutes we mean at least 30 more minutes to an hour. It’s not on purpose; it’s just that most of us underestimate the time it will take to do certain things, especially when we’re getting ready.

Hopefully this short list (of course there are more) will bring some insight to men. This information may have confirmed your thinking that women are crazy, but nonetheless, it is useful information that may come in handy, so use it when you need it.

BMWK, what else would you add to the list?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

**Thinking of printing this out, highlighting a few of them, and discreetly placing it on my husband’s desk…

.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..I think it’s something that needs to be done when you’re sharing your life with someone else. =-.
Fran

LOL(:-)!!! how about flipping on all the lights when he refuses to get out of bed to check on the baby as in he always leaves it up to you. thats called “i know you hear her crying but since you wont get up….” my hubbys favorite phrase is “she/he dont want me she/he wants you” thats man code for idk what to do.!!!
http://www.ablackwebdesign.com Ayanna

This list is priceless! How about when I say “Do you want take out tonight?” know that’s not a suggestion. I’m not cooking tonight! Duh lol!
.-= Ayanna´s last blog ..H.O.P.E. Alliance, Inc. =-.
Moni

Great list Tiya!
It sounds like you’re on the road to a new book, “Act Like a Man, think like a Lady”… the answer to Steve Harvey ; ).
Ericka

Ladies, you’re all too funny. Love it! Great article Tiya
http://www.publicitystuntinc.com Miko Franklin

I love this list. You nailed it. It’s funny because I thought that I was the only person who did some of these things, especially the one: “Mommy will do it. Doesn’t mommy ALWAYS do it.” I’m going to repost this on Facebook so more men can see this.
mrsrev

Great list Tiya! And that women’s intuition – it’s on the money! My husband is a pastor and I can spot the church ladies who step to him and are not thinking about God! Lawd help ‘em! But thank goodness he listens to me…now
Dominique

Greaaaaaaaaaaat List Tiya!!!!!!!! Keep it coming, I Love awaiting to see what you have got stored up to help the husband and wife ministry
Alex

Maybe its just me but i’m sitting here reading this, scratching my head and telling myself, “Self, I’m finally convinced. I love women, I truly do, but will never truly understand them. Just one word comes to mind. ‘Cuh-razy’ ” lol
Ken S.

Funny, entertaining, and educational…but shouldn’t a couple’s goal be to move past the point where deciphering morse code is needed to communicate? I agree that there are some things we men should know after a certain amount of time spent in a relationship, but this article (and the thinking behind it) speaks directly to the communication gap that often exists between men and women. In many cases, a guy just appreciates the direct approach…its hard work being Sherlock Holmes
Ken S.

Well said, Alex (LOL)…that about sums it up (and proves that they are from Venus)
Kisha

Definitely agree to the direct approach. I never, ever go silent on the almost hubby. Its soooo not worth it.

When I dislike something he’s done or said; I tell him. He either explains his intent, apologizes, or tries to fix it.

And ladies….ditch the fumpy pjs completely! There’s no reason to own them!!!!!
Tiya

Good idea JeLissa, because sometimes these things are a little hard to express. But now they now Thanks for your comment! Fran, I wish I had known this when my girls were babies, I could have used that one. If the mommy and baby are up, the whole house should be up too huh? I just love your comments girl! Ayanna, I am totally with you on that one, that actually almost made the list, I was going to say, if we don’t take anything down to cook, that means we’d rather order out, lol. Moni, you are just too kind, thank you. Thanks Ericka! Miko , I just knew I couldn’t be the only one to talk to my husband through my talks with the kids, that is too funny. I know they must think we are crazy. lol . Mrsrev, we keep those eyes and ears open at all times don’t we? lol. Thank you Dominique! Alex, that is too funny, I can honestly see how you guys might think we’re crazy, some stuff we can’t explain, it just is what it is. But men have their issues now too Ken S and we all agree that you guys are definitely from Mars.
Tiya

Kisha, the direct approach is definitely the best, but just not always easy, at least for me. I totally agree with the complete ditch of the frumpy pjs! Let’s burn them right!
http://www.ajadorseyjackson.com Aja

Great post- I’m with you on all except the frumpy PJs. I wear them all the time and they are more a reflection of laziness than my actual mood-lol.
Tiya

Aja, they are wear more convenient, but we have to throw in a few of those sexy pieces every now and then
Wendy

LOL! This is so hilarious, but so true!! My husband has learned #1 VERY well over the past few years! You should write a book with a list from 1 to 100 for me to read one by one!
Wendy

I meant to say for MEN to read! LOL!
Harriet

LOL…I guess I’m a man, and my husband is gay. ROFL Seriously, I’m a straight forward kind of lady who doesn’t like to leave room for guessing. I think that might be partly my military training, and the other part just doesn’t feel like wasting the time to drop subtle hints that I know either my husband won’t get, or I’ll end up forgetting my original point lost all in the sauce of the hint. I’ll take my communication straight, no chaser please.

Great article, Tiya!
Matt

This list would work if you where dealing with another woman. But your husband is a man. We really do not like drama and ladies it would be nice if you would consider that. The last thing we want to do is try and “figure you out” or play games, please just be a little more direct. Not do so is asking for trouble in the relationship.
Tiya

Wendy, good idea about the book, that would be helpful. Matt, men and women are just wired differently, I don’t know that (some of) the women who struggle with the direct approach are purposely trying to bring drama or play games, I think it is truly about not knowing how to communicate effectively and being unable to control or deal with their emotions in a way that won’t cause serious damage to their relationships. Harriet, I do wish that most of us were more like you (being direct), that would cut down a lot of the confusion for sure. But for some that is easier said than done. It was a process for me. It helps too when you have a partner/spouse that make it easy for you to communicate to
Harriet

Tiya,

Trust me…it has its disadvantages. Be careful what you wish for. ROFL
T. Rogers

I agree with Matt. When I come home from work after a long day that last thing I want to do is play the “guess what I’m thinking” game. Fortunately, I have a wife that doesn’t like playing that game either. It is one of the reasons I love her so much.
Tiya

T. Rogers, it makes me happy to hear of couples who have the communication challenges squared away, unfortunately, there are still a lot who are really struggling with expressing themselves. We need more workshops, classes and exercises geared toward helping couples communicate. Harriet, lol, I hear you I’ll be careful what I wish for, maybe somehow we need a perfect blend of the two ?
Tay

Great article once again Tiya! Love it! One thing you left out is when we say “you really don’t have to get me anything”. Now come on fellas you know we want SOMETHING, we’re just being coy. ; D
Tiya

Tay, that is a really good one lol.
Staycee2

Love the post!!!!! I agree with Tay, Tiya please add to the list!!! Gotta luv it!
Tiya

Thanks Stacee!
Ken S

The interesting (yet frightning) part is that
many of the women posting relate to this logic.

Women, you can’t live with ‘em…you can’t live with ‘em!!!! LOL
Tiya

Ken, that’s why it’s the secret languages of “women”. There are a lot of women who can relate to this. The purpose of the post was to shed some light for our men.
Ken S

Tiya, I’ve got a radical idea (it’s a bit outside of the box but just hear me out), what if women actually tell their men what they’re thinking and feeling? Just call me a rebel
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @ Ken

Viva la revolucion! LOL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can’t Hear You! =-.
Fran

@ kens maybe because our husbands dont hear as well as you. im glad for your wife that she can shoot it to you straight have you receive it. lol
Ken S

@Harriet, help your fellow woman…they need your guidance.
@Fran, I’m sort of in a complicated relationship…you see, I’m married to the author of this article and I’m doing my best to convert her to my way of thinking (i.e., walk towards the light) but she is a stubborn one.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

*Fist up in the air like the ’68 olympics*

But Ken…I’m not getting in the middle of this one. I heard those women from Chicago (I happen to be one of them) are a little loco en la cabeza. So I’ll just put my church finger up and tiptoe on out of this conversation so Tiya won’t be sending me hate mail. We like to CUT folks up in the Chi! ROFL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can’t Hear You! =-.
Ken S

ROFL…with the Black glove on and the head tilted down!!! You are ready for this revolution.
Tiya

Harriet, I didnt know you were from Chicago, but thanks for warning him, he’s really pushing it. LOL.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I’m a military brat, but home for the summers was Chicago. That’s the place in the US where I spent most of my time growing up…got in-state tuition at U of Illinois because of it.

I guess I’m more of an honorary Chicago girl, but it was home for 2-3 months a year while I was in elementary/middle/high school. LOL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can’t Hear You! =-.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

And that’s my direct-straight-up-the-truth-no-chaser way of changing the subject. Viva la revolucion!!!! ROFL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can’t Hear You! =-.
Fran

@ ken,tiya and harriet lol esp tiya
Tiya

Good Job Harriet! Whenever you come back to visit, we’ll have to hang out. Hahah @ Fran.

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