A Personal Response to the “Divorce Kool Aid”?

As such, I would like to take the time to give the readers a background of the belief system that drives me to write my life as an open book.  What I am about to discuss may be controversial, but it is what I believe, and it is hard for me to imagine a loving God turning his back on so many hurting people. So here goes nothing:

Someone wrote me the following e-mail:“As I read your article, something stood out that made the thought of marriage solid, concrete, absolute: ‘Barring abuse, child endangerment, or illegal activities, there are very few legitimate reasons for [divorce].’ This statement along spoke volumes.  To me, it made sense that there really isn’t reason to give up on marriage, your spouse, yourself or your relationship.  It really takes patience.”

This person “gets” me!  He really summarized what was on my mind and heart when I wrote that.  He went on to say the following:

“Here is my issue.  The next statement you made gives folks (in my opinion) and easy out: ‘Nevertheless, I will not negate the fact that every marriage has its own heartbeat, and the only people who know how much they can take are the ones within that marriage.’”

He assumed that I was trying to give an “easy out” to married couples on the rocks.  This assumption drove me to write a response based on my belief system and share it with BMWK.

I believe:

…If everyone in the world made Christ the center of their marriage, then no one would get divorced. There are two problems with this belief.  One, everyone is not going to believe in Christ.  When a person tries to beat Him over others’ heads, it leads to resentment and a misrepresentation of His love for humanity.  Two, for those who DO believe in Christ, it is common for them to lean the entirety of their understanding on hurt feelings, anger, unforgiveness, rage and selfishness instead of the Word of God.  I’ve been guilty of that myself!

…That the God of mercy and grace WILL NOT discard those who choose to get a divorce, for whatever reason. When all the dust clears from the messiness of divorce, God will not turn His back on a person’s need to be made whole.  For those who are not Christians, I believe that with therapy and a strong support system, healing can take place.

…That God has the ability to change anyone. However, He is a God of LOVE, not manipulation or control.  I’ve met many who have made the choice to believe in and worship someone and/or something other than Christ; even people who claim to be Christians!  But love does not force itself upon another person.  It is a series of personal choices made on the part of an individual, and it is not my place to be judge and jury over those choices.

…Some people, instead of going through the process, just want the pain to stop, not knowing that in many cases, divorce will exacerbate the pain instead of alleviating it. Yet they–and we all–still need God’s grace and mercy.  I’m not going to be one who beats God’s will over their heads while they are down.  When brokenness like that arises, people have to know that God still loves them in spite of it all.

…Some people–especially Christians–do terrible things to one another because of offense or unforgiveness. I’m very passionate about the fact that if they live a little longer and grow in maturity and wisdom, there will always be an opportunity to remove that ugliness and walk according to real love that never fails.  Humanity fails God all the time, but He is always available to us.

…I don’t have the right or authority to condemn  those who have been through or are going through divorce. Some people have frivolous reasons for divorce, and yet others are very legitimate.  No one knows except the two people living together in that marriage.  It’s important to try as hard as you can to save your marriage, but I don’t have the equation that shows you how much you should be willing to take before you give up.  Divorce is ugly, messy business.  It ain’t for me;  I’d rather fight through the temporary seasons of misery.  But everyone isn’t like me, and I think that the same grace that God gives me to endure certain issues in my marriage should be shared with those who have chosen to get a divorce.

So although my statement may have seemed like an “easy out,” it was far from it.  It was more of a clause that made room for the ugly side of humanity that God still wants to reach out to.  It was a sentence full of the grace and mercy that God exercises on behalf of mankind on a daily basis.  He hates divorce and gives many reasons and tools as to why He wants marriages to stay together.  However, the reality of the matter is that people–even people who believe in Christ–will still trust themselves more than they trust God.

It’s not an easy out.  It’s reality.

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher).  The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds:  ”author.”  You can purchase her first book, ”Who Are You?“  simply by clicking on the link.  You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.