Why Are You Married?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on June 14th, 2010 | 17 comments

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Last week, my husband and I had a five-day spat that consumed our communication and was threathening to consume our relationship. Every time I looked at him, I was reminded about what we were arguing about and I would get heated all over again. He didn’t want to talk to me, because everytime we started a conversation about something – anything! – we inevitably ended up harping about the same issue over and over.

We both felt strongly about it and neither was giving the other person an inch. But in the end, we worked it out. It was one of the most difficult arguments since we’ve been married, but we made it through, thank God.

In the wake of our argument, we had an in-depth heart-to-heart conversation about our marriage, something we hadn’t done in a while and was long overdue. When we were engaged, we had to answer the question, “Why are we getting married?”

Now, the question is, “Why are we staying married?” What are we working toward? What is the purpose of our union? What are we trying to accomplish?

Together we came up with a few reasons why our marriage works for us, and why we continue to do this, day in and day out, and what we hope our kids get out of this union as well. I asked my husband if we should come up with a “mission statement” of sorts, that guides us and reminds us what our greatest purpose is.

He grew silent and thought for a second. “How about, ‘Whatever it takes’?” he suggests.

I’m a little confused. “What do you mean?”

“Whatever it takes,” he repeats. “Like, we both have to be committed to this thing to the end, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, or how angry we are. We love each other and our actions need to reflect that, even if we’re hurting.”

“So whatever it takes?”

“Whatever it takes.”

I stretch out my hand and we shake on it. Basically it was the same agreement we reached three years ago when we got married, but man, was it nice to hear it again.

I realized in that moment that whatever we were arguing about, seemed to pale in comparison to the love I felt for him. He was my rock, my best friend and it felt so good to be on the same page again. Real good.

BMWK – we’ve asked WHY you got married – now we’re asking why ARE you married?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Fran

why am i still married is good question one that i ask myself atleast once a week. i used to didnt have an answer but it took me a while lol and i was able to come up with one. because i love him a whole heck of a lot and its gonna take me a lifetime to show him how much. he is my bestfriend and my confidant. dont no one understand me like he does. he has seen me at my ugliest, right after my csection and my hair sticking up and slob dried up from being knocked out on pain killers with one boob hanging out with our just born baby nursing and has told me that i was the beautifulest sight that he had ever seen and that he was completely amazed by me. i couldnt ask for a better father and stepfather for our kids. because when i see him i see someone whom i love beyond all measure with a love that God has placed in my heart that allows me o love him no matter what,wether he fails or succeed and if he fails i will be there to cheer him on untill he succeeds at whatever task has been set before him
Tahlitha

I’m married because he completes me… it’s corny but its true. The things God has given me, through him, is a helpmate, teammate, and soulmate. There are somethings in this life you were just not meant to do alone. Who wants to celebrate, struggle, face fears, fuss, lol… alone. Someone who can pull me up and pull me down, off my high horse, is why I’m ‘still’ married. Who could really, truly know me better than God’s gift to me, my husband.

Continued blessings Tara.
lakisha rivera

I am not giving up on my marriage, because GOD never gave up on me. Why would I give the enemy the satisfaction of destroying one of GOD’s gifts? Now dont get me wrong, its HARD to stay commited to a marriage, you (flesh) think is falling apart, but when you believe in the Lord and what he says in his word, you begin to realize this is not about you, but the glory of GOD and allowing him to change all things for his good! I am staying married, because I have allowed GOD into my marriage!
Smokie

I’m married because I love my husband and I want to live my life with him right by my side. I love how we settle conflict. I love his height. I love his strength. His gentleness. His discipline. His silliness. His respect for God. I love how he is as a father. I just love our whole family (we have 3 boys) and I thank God everyday that he sent my soul mate to me.
GeeGee4

Tara, you are not alone…..My husband and I also had a week long battle as well. Talking about rough….I could not see no way out at all and had contemplated leaving because the hurt was overwhelming. Feeling so tired, I went to church and my pastor preached just for me, Thank you God… Forgiveness even when you don’t want to, loving inspite of all things, and going to the prayer room after service and having an amazing man pray over me, my husband, and our marriage has given me some hope when I felt hopless. We have to stay encourage through the trials of our marriage and dont forget to ask for prayer and support. God knows we need it!!! Whatever it takes, sounds very good:) God Bless everyone…
Da Minister

The reason why I love being married is the simple word of “love”! I do alot of preaching about Jesus and the problems we now face and come to realize we as people are not accustomed to love anymore. Today’s society does not allow us to understand love in its fullness anymore. Our TV shows does not do “Love” our music (whether christian or secular) does not sing about it anymore. Worst case we don’t even talk about “Love” anymore. I realize one of the vital life savers we have is the power of love. I married my wife not because of any other reason but that I loved her dearly. Whether or not (she better…lol) she loved me back. The bible states that Christ died for the church I challenge both parties to be willing to die for the person you love. One thing about dying no one can never question your love for them….
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

Glad you guys worked it out.

I’m inspired to sit down with my husband and talk about our marriage a bit, too. We talk about aspects of it when they come up {i.e. our communication, our sex life, etc.}, but not our marriage in its entirety, and why we’re married. I think it would be good for us to answer that question together.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..I guess everything – whether it’s ice cream or a hard morning – is better when we’re together. =-.
LeShaun

I am still married because… I still love my husband! We’ve been through a lot over the years and any argument that can come up is still very small in comparison to the obstacles that we had to overcome when we first got married. Now, he doesn’t woo me like he used to but he can still make me laugh. I think that’s important!!!
http://www.wisdomswork.etsy.com Donielle Michele

What God made for me is for me….that’s why I’m still married!
.-= Donielle Michele´s last blog ..Bold Yellow Flower Clip =-.
Michael Martin

I love life…My wife makes life much better for me by being a part of my life….That’s why I stay married
Dale

It appears to me that mosty poeple skate around the truth about marriage especially men. I got married because I have sexual desires and want to fulfill them by God’s standard and that’s via marriage. Yes, I do love my wife but at the start I felt more compeled to abide by God’s guidelines and not sin sexually and to do it the right way. My wife and I have really grown to love each other over the years (25) and four children. We facilitate “Healthy Marriage” sessions at our church and everywhere the opportunity arise. We stay married because we know it’s the right thing and because we love each other and meet each others needs. Giving the latter did not happen we’d still stay married. “Marriage is the BEST Game in Town!”
http://heaven-wbc.blogspot.com http://heaven-wbc.blogspot.com

I got married because I could see the future in my husbands eyes… We def had issues before we got married. The kind of issues that would make you question… “Why the HELLZ are you marrying that dude?!?!” But there was something that was growing and blossoming in him everyday… something that was so clear and so pure (I can’t really put it into words!) But I felt like the universe was pushing me in that direction… and I appreciate the push… its the best choice I ever made… 3 Years later, I realize the universe was right! This man is great and God’s work is so good.
.-= http://heaven-wbc.blogspot.com´s last blog ..Bees don’t Cake, my sunshine away! =-.
http://blackandmarriedwithchildren.com Mrs. Pryor

Heaven-ebc me and you have similar situations. Me and my husband has went through everything you can think of in the 5 years we were together and now I look at him and say what else could we possibly do but love each other because no matter what we were always drawn back to each other like a million moths to one flame! And the best part is that when we recognize that each other is growing, we acknowledge it right on time to each other adn when he does that I know that we are meant to be and another step closer to forever with each other!
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LNX2UJT2QORJV3T576BWT54DVA Teasa

interesting question
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LNX2UJT2QORJV3T576BWT54DVA Teasa

Is love enough for a reason to get married?
http://twitter.com/bacnthedai82 frances bunting

I will personally say that LOVE is not enough for me. I needed the intimacy of knowing that this person was and is going to take care of me in my time of need and correction, loving me for my flaws and sticking with me through my changes.

I got married in the beginning for the wrong reason I was tired of struggling and trying to make it. I wanted a man with good credit and a car and a house for me and my son. I got it. But I found out that marriage comes with problems and acceptance of someones past and that was a journey I appreciate that I went on with my husband.

This is my first and last marriage. I admit to getting married for the wrong reasons but I have changed or better yet grew the f*** up and now me and hubby have a heart to heart once a month on a permanent basis and more if needed adding our 4 kids in the mix. 9, 3, and a set of twins 1. We are doing the impossible**which is staying together and making it work**
reesie

I like the whatever it takes attitude because marriage is a choice just like anything else. You can choose to have a bad day or a good one. You can choose to react or not react to every little thing someone does to provoke you or to be a bigger person and not succumb to drama. If you have what a true love entails as described in the article.. a mate who is not just a mate or a doormat but one who loves you understands you likes you, tries hard to communicate or at least listen and who is your best friend who would you not do whatever it takes to make it work? Also if you are doong whatever you have to and so is your spouse both of you should be happy and fulfilled because you have someone else going out of their way to please you. My husband and I live by this and so far so good.

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