How Do You Spend Time With All Your Kids Equally?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on June 17th, 2010 | 12 comments

momkids

BY Tara Pringle Jefferson

I got pregnant with my son right after my daughter turned one. I feel comfortable telling you all that it was not planned. I was in complete shock, and wondering how we were going to manage two kids in diapers. Oh boy.

Now I’ve got a three-year-old and a two-year-old and they are both demanding, as all toddlers are. But my daughter is a lot more vocal, a bit more outgoing and I find myself gravitating toward her requests more frequently. (Plus, we have that whole mommy-daughter relationship and the fact that I want her to be my mini-me. So sue me.)

I don’t ever want my son to think I love him less, because I don’t. He’s just a very laid-back kid and rarely fusses unless dinner is late or his favorite toy has been snatched by his sister. Other than that, he’s content to just lean against your arm and cuddle in your lap. My daughter on the hand, wants you to LOOK at her and PLAY with her and TALK to her and TELL her what you’re thinking about and what we’re doing next.

I feel like I went overboard with my daughter, trying to make sure she didn’t feel jealous of her baby brother. As a result, I missed some of that one-on-one time with my son. In some ways, I want a do-over, but I know I’m doing the best that I can and that’s all I ever demand of myself. I make sure I hug and kiss both of them every day and tell them how much I love them.

But I could still use some suggestions. BMWK family with more than one kid – how do you make sure your kids get all of you, and each one gets their fair share?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

lakisha rivera

I have three kids… my oldest is a boy and then my two girls. 10, 7, and 4. It is very hard to split myself in three. Yes I can relate to my girls, but I am in love with my son. Do not get me wrong, I love my children equally! I try to just spend time with all three of them at the same time, but occassionally I will have my son alone and my daughters together. Not so much are the girls seperate when we spend time. They still get jealous of each other, for petty reasons, but thats human.
My suggestion is to give them 30 minutes each a day, even if its just homework time and let them know thats their time!!!!! and that the other sibling has to respect that time. They will eventually get use to it and look forward to it. Hope it helps.
http://www.allianceediting.com Nikki M

Tara, I think you should not be so hard on yourself. Maybe your son is not demanding more of your attention because he’s getting what he needs from you. The fact that he likes to cuddle and sit next to you means that he is satisfied with the physical affection he’s receiving, which may just be different from your daughter’s needs for interacting with you. When he seems to want more, give him more. In the meantime, don’t beat yourself up for interacting with them differently; they’re two different people with different sets of needs. The fact that you are concerned and loving enough to be on the lookout for problems is evidence that you will respond to their needs as they arise.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com Tiffany

It’s hard. The only way I can make sure I do it is to actually do something with each of them that the others don’t want to do. I have one obsessed with paper airplanes so we make airplanes. I have one that loves telling jokes and playing cards so we sit and play a few rounds making up jokes. The other loves learning about doing stuff on computers so we sit and surf the net together trying to get his computer to run better. And when I go places, sometimes I take one of them with me and spend one on one time with him, maybe grabbing a milkshake or a snack.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Your Behind Has Become A Prime Target =-.
Chandra

I am a mom of 3 daughters. My oldest daughters are 16 months apart, ages 4 and 5. They were both born with serious health complications, but the 5 year old’s have continued to last through out her life. My 4 y.o. believes that to get all of mommy’s attention you have to be sick. No sooner than my 5 y.o. got out of the hospital after month long stay, we had another baby and she was in ICU for a month as well. To try to compensate and give her the attention she needs and wants, I have taken her out of school early and we’ve had Mommy/Daughter diva days and just go to lunch, the farmer’s market, get her hair braided, get ice cream, etc. I don’t think there is anything I can really do to balance the time I give them, but the quality of my time is what matters most.
Kisha

What I think we tend to forget as parents, is that kids are people. They are just small people They have personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. And it’s perfectly fine (and normal) to mesh with one kid a little more. It doesn’t mean you love them more or less…They’re just different people.

I have a daughter, 11 and a son, 10. They are 16 months apart. She is VERY laid back and doesn’t require a lot of attention, he is very outgoing and on “10″ at all times. When I’m alone with him, he kinda falls back. He’ll go in his room and play or go outside. When I’m alone with her, she’s ALL UP UNDER ME! LOL! And it’s funny because when we’re all in the house together, she’s more apt to do her own thing. Unless she wants me to play Rock Band with her

I don’t worry about “equality” so much as I look for attitudes, behaviors, etc that suggest they need more attention. When I notice it, I give it to them.

Now, as my daughter is approaching the teen years (she’ll be 12 in 3 months…WOW!), she’s “more weepy” as she puts it. She needs more affection, etc. So, I set aside 30 minutes when I get home to spend with her. We may watch a tv show, color pictures, play dolls, get online…just time for her. Also, every now and then, we’ll cuddle up in the Papasan chair and watch a movie, just her and I. My son generally gets what he needs BECAUSE he’s so outgoing.

Trust me, 9 times out of 10, it all works out.
http://blackandmarriedwithchildren.com Soon to be Mrs. Pryor

Me and my fiance have 5 children and their ages are 9,6,4,2 1/2,7 months old so we are very busy lol but what I usually do with my children is do group activities for example with my three oldest, we do crafts or bake things together and my two year old will be right beside us playing with saftey proof art stuff or licking the batter off the spoon lol. The easiet things that we can all do together (even the baby) is story book time and going to the park. When I give one a kiss yes I do give everyone even if I am exausted the same with hugs but usually they all just jump on me lol. They are my life and I do talk to them according to their ages but I give them all the same love and care and make sure that they participate in all chores, activities and TLC!
http://www.baptistexaminer.com signatureladyjeff

Its great to see your concern as a mother, I remember feeling that way years ago with my first two children, now a mother of “ten”(new twins born in April) I’ve had the pleasure of being a mother and going through these same growing pains.

Having seven daughters/three sons is not only a blessing but it has taught me how to spend quality time with them as well as my husband. I usually give any where from 15 minute games or lessons to each child in some part of my day, my children are also home schooled so that makes it easier to conversate with them.

I spend the early morning with my newborns, mid-day with toddlers, evenings with my adolesants, and my tweens get the night of what’s left in my day. I have an open door policy with my children at any time of the day! My little 4 yr old and 10 yr old love to comb my hair and style it to a wild and crazy look! But its all worth it because those are some of the best conversations is when we are working or doing something together! Keep being a wonderfully concerned mother, what doesn’t come natural God always has directions to what ever you need help in accomplishing!
http://bloggingeverafter.wordpress.com {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After

I love that I can come on this site, as someone who’s married but not a mother just yet, and get wonderful advice/insight on parenting for the days in the future when it does apply and I do need it.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Vintage Love through Vintage Photos =-.
http://commodityonlinetradingz.com speaktough

At least you understood the reasons why you should slpend time with kids equally, man \i know parents who have favourites even in this day and age, which can be damaging.
.-= speaktough´s last blog ..Forex Trading : Canadian Dollar commodity =-.
Staycee2

Tara…I don't know for the life of me why I'm posting this comment because I'm not going to be any help to you… My 4 year-old son greets me at the door every evening planting a big juicy kiss on my lips. By the time I reach the kitchen which is where my 12 year-old daugthers bedroom is so that I can greet her, my 4 year old is pushing me away from her so that we don't have any physical contact! The only thing I can suggest is that you play a BOY game with him and a GIRL game with her in order to divide your time them equally… And I thought I had it rough…Good Luck to the both of us…
TheMrs

We have 5 kids…girl almost 12, boy and girl 9, girl 9, and boy 2yrs. Since I am a stay at home mom now, many of the daytime hours belong to our youngest son. All 3 of our girls are involved in the same evening activities that are W, Th, & F but often we have an event on Sa so it is all girl time, while our oldest son has his activity on Tu evening. I find that there are times that some of the kids have more of me while others rarely see me because of something else going on at the same time. I try to go into each bedroom in the evening and spend some one-on-one time with each. Sometimes, we'll pick one of the kids to stay up late and watch a movie with us or play a game. Both of our twins tend to be the ones that get a little less time so we have to give it a little extra to get some quality time in, but it is more there tempermant that does it than anything…more laid back, quiet, able to entertain themselves for long periods of time, then us just ignoring 2 of our kids.
Mommy-son day is just as important as mommy-daughter day. Look at your regular schedule and set up atleast one of each so that your focus on that day is that child. Your bedtime routine can also be a time that you connect with each of your children. Have the other child reading or playing with their toys while you put the other in the bath. Once they are both done you can cuddle up on the sofa and read a book together. You could also have your husband take on the other child's book reading so that you can spend more time with the other child. On the weekend you can wake your son up early one of the mornings and your daughter the other and just have some quality time with them where you can prep dinner/breakfast or whatever other activity you can think of.
Don't stress over not spending equal time with each child, this week your son might get more and next week it could be your daughter. As long as you are showing both of your children that you love them and that you are there for them it will work out. In a few years when they are each a little more independent you will find that it is easier for you to split your time.
Good luck