Some Men Still Do Care About Love and Fatherhood

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on June 29th, 2010 | 19 comments

by Delano Squires

I attended a three-day conference last week in Hampton, VA by the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative (AAHMI). People from around the country came together to present their work in many areas critical to the African American family: financial literacy, marriage education programs, strategies to support low-income fathers, etc. The last session I attended featured two organizations concerned with the healthy development of males, both as young men and as fathers. One of the presenters, from the Urban Leadership Institute (ULI), discussed his organization’s efforts to assist single mothers raising boys. The ULI uses text messages, conference calls, and YouTube videos to provide mothers with a wealth of information, from how to navigate individual education plans (IEPs) to tips on creating an “exit strategy” to ensure boys do not enter into adulthood totally dependent on their mothers. The other presenter was from the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), an organization whose mission is “to improve the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with an involved, responsible, and committed father.” The presentation included surveys on male and female perceptions of fatherhood. For instance, while over 90% of mothers surveyed believe there is a father absence crisis in America, 55% of the mothers said they believe fathers are replaceable. Surprisingly, 66% of men surveyed said they also believe fathers are replaceable. These statistics are disturbing, not because single mothers can’t raise children successfully, but because they are indicative of a common perception in American culture: men and fathers are a luxury, not a necessity.

In our popular culture, discussions concerning love and relationships are often viewed as the exclusive province of women. Furthermore, men are often seen as an unnecessary appendage with regard to child rearing – good to have around but not critical to achieving positive results. This is not to say that women are incapable of raising successful children alone, but research has clearly demonstrated that children raised in married two-parent homes have better social, emotional, economic, and future relationship outcomes than children raised in single parent homes. Part of the problem is that men have willingly accepted this paradigm. Think of the approach to relationships taken by magazines and websites targeted at men and women. Most popular magazines for men focus on sex and tips on how to be a better lover. They say very little, however, on how to actually improve one’s relationship or give tips on how to better love her. Women’s magazines, conversely, typically take a more balanced approach to love and relationships, frequently dispensing advice on both physical and relational intimacy. Our culture is inundated with negative images of men, particularly black men, with regard to relationships and fatherhood. Sometimes it seems as if all one sees is men who are habitually unfaithful, controlling, abusive, irresponsible, or emotionally detached. Images of actively engaged, loving, humble, committed, and faithful men, husbands, and fathers are comparatively few in number. One wonders if this trend is actually reflective of reality or whether it is continually perpetuated – oftentimes in our own music and pop culture – because we have an appetite for it.

One of the most encouraging aspects of last week’s conference was both the number of men in attendance and the number of men leading organizations that are dedicated to reversing the trends that have negatively affected our families. Organizations and individuals concerned about black families must continue to support single parents and their efforts to raise healthy, successful children but we must be very clear about the ideal environment for child rearing: a loving and committed two-parent household. This message is especially important for adults who are not married or don’t have children but want to start a family someday. It is also critically important for our children, particularly those who have never seen or experienced a married African American couple firsthand. In some neighborhoods, a child growing up in a home with his/her father is an exception, not the norm. It is here where positive examples of men and fathers are most needed, or else the cycle of father absence will continue to negatively impact our children, families, and communities.

BMWK, do you think the success of some single mothers in raising children has made us believe fathers are no longer necessary? Brothers, do you feel your voice is heard and respected on the topic of love, relationships, and parenting? Sisters, do you get most of your advice about men from other men or other women?

Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

Fathers are always necessary. The problem is there are men either not willing or unable to take on the responsibility that is their child/children. I listen to my friends but I always ask my guy friends opinion, those with and without children.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

CC

I agree with you Tiffany. I've even had a father tell me “my father wasn't there for me by choice and I turned out fine. I respect his decision not to stay around and be a father”. Needless to say I was floored. This man has several children by several mothers who are raising the children alone. Sadly, some men feel they should have the option to be a father just as a woman has the option to abortion. I pray that we can get more fathers to understand and value their importance in the childrens lives.

I hear my girl friends but I definitely ask the opinion of my guy friends and family members.
Guest

I certainly agree that fathers are necessary but let's take a step back for a second and analyze the bigger picture. Men who create a child and do not hang around to rear that child are the scum of the earth. Let's agree to that point…but, let us also agree that it takes the consent of the woman to allow that child to be born. A problem as big as the one that is constantly being portrayed of the lack of quality men is the lack of proper mate selection by women. I know it's socially acceptable for women to want to date a doctor or a lawyer, but the reality is that may not always be beneficial for the woman. Generally speaking, a male who may look good and make a lot of money has no real incentive to settle down with one woman with the male to female ratio skewed so heavily in the man's favor. The man who may want to settle down may drive a UPS truck but how many women look the other way and instead trip over themselves trying to search for that doctor or lawyer that literally hundreds of other women are searching for as well? The men that ultimately create these children and bail, where did the women meet these men? Did the men genuinely dupe the women or were the women guilty of being naive? Let's place blame where it's due but let's not always make women out to be the innocent victims. It takes 2 to tango.

T. Rogers

“Men who create a child and do not hang around to rear that child are the scum of the earth. Let's agree to that point…”

Is it really that simple? I don't think it is. There are many reasons men (and women) may not hang around. I am not defending that choice. I just know it is not that cut and dry. Recently, I have been communicating with my father trying to get answers as to why he was not there. From having these very frank discussions I have learned that there are many factors at work in the father-mother-child dynamic. Being a grown man with my own family helps me understand his position a lot better than I would have a decade ago. I could give a lot more detail, but I am not trying to write a book on Lamar and Ronnie's site. I just don't think demonizing absent fathers and lionizing present mothers does anything to help hurting children. And it is often creates a very inaccurate image of both.

Ronnie_BMWK

I would agree with T. Rogers in that it may not be that simple. I attended this same conference last week and I heard something so interesting. Some men don't come around because they feel like if they don't have money to offer, then they don't have anything to offer…and in some cities the unemployment rate for young black males is over 70%. So now there are programs out there that teach men about their human assets…like while you are unemployed..you can help the mother more with the kids.

Busybee

BMWK, do you think the success of some single mothers in raising children has made us believe fathers are no longer necessary?
__________________________________________________________________________
No Sir, I most certainly don’t! I think it’s a combination of modernization, our economic system; demographic shifts, structural racism, and a hijacked culture (if you believe our ethnic group had one culture). Specifically the culture of “I don’t need a man” or “You don’t need a man.” But the culture degenerated for a reason in response to an event: abandonment. As long as black women and men engage in endless gender warfare this will continue to happen.
Respectfully, the way the question is structured almost implies it’s primarily the woman’s fault for successfully parenting alone that causes the man to abdicate parental obligations. I believe the way our society is structured actually encourages ALL races of men to be detached from family in order to compete in a free market system—competition or bartering is really fighting EVERY day to earn your living. Based off the criticism I’ve read from scholars such as Bell Hooks, and Angela Davis I’m uncertain as to if a reformed economic system would correct the problem in our ethnic group. I believe ultimately comes back to the warfare between black women and men and the unnatural inner lives that warfare has produced. I also believe it comes down to a lack of ethnic self-respect. Everyone sees their image in their child. To throw away your child is to kill yourself.

Brothers, do you feel your voice is heard and respected on the topic of love, relationships, and parenting?
_________________________________________________________________
N/A will ask my husband to respond when he gets home from work.

Sisters, do you get most of your advice about men from other men or other women?
____________________________________________________________________
With the exception of my parents I generally don’t take advice from lay people. And If I do I always look at how they are managing whatever they are trying to advise me about. I’ve read marriage and parenting books written by both men and women. I’ve actually some of the discussions I’ve had with men more so than women! LOL
T. Rogers

For the record, I think MOST men (not some) care about fatherhood. I just think many men find themselves in situations where they simply don't know what to do. It's one thing to know how to have sex with a woman. Still that doesn't mean one will understand how to navigate a relationship with that woman (or any woman). It doesn't mean one will know how to adequately go out into this society and carve out a decent living worthy of supporting a family. The desire is there. However, many men need help.
Luv47

I am married and expecting my first child (my husband's second). He was more excited than I was when we first found out about the pregnancy. Lo and behold, I'm now seven months and he lays this bombshell on me that he's having second thoughts. That he can't believe he's gonna have to go through (child-rearing) this again. I'm stunned and devastated beyond belief. He's discussed adoption, me moving to Atlanta to be with my mom, etc. His reasons are that he doesn't want the responsibility, that it's going to take him away from doing the things he loves to do. Mind you, we're both almost 40 years old and I can't believe what I'm hearing (he sounds like a kid). I'm more hurt than angry and have resolved to not let this make me into another bitter woman. We're having a boy by the way, which just makes it even sadder for obvious reasons.
Delano

@BusyBee – I agree with our points and I think you helped bolster my argument ” Specifically the culture of “I don’t need a man” or “You don’t need a man.” I certainly was not attempting to blame mothers for the absence of the fathers. My main point is that because we have seen many mothers raise successful children on their own, we as a community have embraced the notion that a father is not necessary. But I agree that a number of factors have worked together to contribute to our current state of affairs. Thans for the feedback.

MTM

Do people honestly think “I don't need a man?” or is that just a psychological tool to cope with the fact of not having one around? I can't imagine a single mother, given the chance to have the father(s) of her child(ren) actively involved in their lives, saying “no thanks.”

TheMrs

@MTM, I have heard quite a few women say “no thanks” to what the father is offering. But that is not to say that all women are like that. And it's not a poor/middle class/or rich divider because it happens in all socio-economic classes.
Felicia

MTM, I grew up hearing these words before I could understand what they meant. These 3 words, “I DON'T NEED HIM” settled every argument and put to rest any doubt that she was not handling things well. My mother's first husband abused her and the 2nd husband (my father) left us when I was little over 3 years old and never looked back. Ask her now and she will tell you that she raised 3 children by herself, without a man and given the choice, she would do it again. I believe not because she did not want them present, but because she did not choose well the men who fathered her children.
I wish I could say she did it with ease and effortless grace, but that's just not so. Mom made it look easy but over the years, I saw just how lonely she really was. Ultimately, I realized that my grandmother had the very same experience, as did her mother before her.
So what does that mean for me? I am 27 years old, I have never seriously dated and I have spent years being terrified of following the same pattern.
I think many of us believe we don't deserve the joy of a fulfilling relationship or worse, that such a relationship is even possible.

http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/45ZY5DXIJB3WI436TDYYXUN6GY Corrie G

Let me start off by biggin’ up D. Squires…Love what you are doing with these threads/blogs! I’m gon try and take some of your lime with my responses! ;0) lol jk.

I’m glad T Rodgers acknowledged the fact that this topic is not as cut and dry and contatins a lot of gray area. I also believe we need to get an actual number on the amount of single mothers who aren’t smitten with the “Maury” syndrome and do know their “baby-daddy(ies).” How many of the single mother’s made the decision to conceive against the partner’s request. Is a man responsible for a child that he and his partner made preventative measures for but failed?

Irresponsibility is the main contributor to this epidemic of single parents. Don’t get me wrong, I know men who have 4-5 children all over the country and world from 6 different women but I also know a lot of those women knew he had those kids. Now the decision should be up to both parties but it doesn’t always work like that. A lot of the time a decision is made no matter what the male says or thinks and there you go…single mother-hood. When this occurs everyone wants to know who the father is…then he instantly isn’t shit cause he’s not present.

So to say that all men who don’t take care of their children are scum isn’t accurate in my eyes and it’s that bitter way of pointing fingers that fuels society view against men and puts a damper on the role of fatherhood. It’s the same as white kids thinking its ok to say the word “nigga” just cause its in their fav rap artist’s lyrics. Society made them feel comfortable to do so.

In my eyes the points I brought up are the issue at hand and its what fueled this deadbeat father campaign. There are plenty of men doing what they need to do for their kids and family but I believe that’s due to mutual agreement on both ends.
writingreverend

I would like to turn it around somewhat…I hear so much talk about men not being there for their children, but what is not talked about a whole lot is the women that purposefully keep their children away from their fathers. For example, I haven't seen my children for 2 years and I have paid all child support before I even got an order and because she treats her children as prizes/possessions the kids suffer. It happens a lot more than what is talked about about and in most cases the mother is threatened, because she knows the father is very capable. So in turn there is this rebellious attitude of “I don't need a man”. It's just senseless and there should be some laws in place to combat this behavior.

TheMrs

You are so right!!! My husband has 2 older children and this is her mentality and the mentality of all her sisters…hence there are about 15 kids who have no father because it is the mothers' choice. Not everyone can separate the 2 type of relationships, man-woman & parent-child, and the children suffer in the long run. Alot of “our” people don't go through the courts because of their pre-conceived ideas about it and not wanting the “man” in their business. Now that my stepchildren are older, 15 & 18, they don't feel they have a “need” for their father. In their mother's eyes and what she tells the kids is that he is never there when they need him, basically he doesn't cough of the money when she asks for extra outside of the child support yet when she was homeless we took in the children, when she didn't have enough food to feed her and her 3 kids we took his and made sure they ate and the list goes on. And because many of these men were also raised in women-headed single parent homes and they feel that they turned out ok, don't see the importance of a father's role. There is nothing like having your father there when you graduate from high school and college, nothing like your father walking you down that aisle to your awaiting husband, and it's called a daddy-daughter dance for a reason. Women and men alike, please learn to separate the 2 relationships and allow the children to have both parents!!! Like I always have told my stepchildren's mother…”Don't look at it as his wife trying to steal your children, I have my own squad of both sexes, but as another adult to love and help mold your child into a responsible adult…..”

writingreverend

We are in the midst of court right now and scheduled for a mediation, which I think is a waste since we couldn't agree to begin with, but that's the courts for you. Now I found out from the other father that she is county hopping and can't really provide for them. Originally, she was 2 hours away now I have found that she is only 15 minutes from me with our children! It's such a shame, because they have such a large family and we've even sent clothes and she's returned them. Needless to say I have saved all of her hateful emails, my requests, etc. to use in court. I just don't understand why the emotional abuse, and we all pay for it in taxes through the correctional system. Wish there was more I could do, but some things only God can work out.

TheMrs

Stay in prayer is the only advice and words of encouragement I can get. Many people “county hop” or just house hop to stay evasive. When my stepchildren's mother complained about finances to my husband he told her he would just take the kids and make it easier on her while she gets on her feet…but to her the only way to get on her feet was to “work” the system and collect as much welfare as she could and continue to ask for help from him. She felt if he could afford to take them on full time why couldn't he just give her the money to do it at her residence?

I think mediation is silly when the parties weren't able to come to an agreement on their own…but sometime it takes someone else to say the same thing you've been saying for them to finally get a clue.

Chany

What about the mothers.. There are mothers who abandon their children and families just as men. The most interesting thing of this article is they are trying to get the notion out of men caring about fatherhood, but please somone do an article of Women caring about motherhood, or women abandoning their children or ‘boy’s and the effects it has too.
http://www.facebook.com/kinglouisn Louis Nelson

WOW those numbers are very alarming. I pray we men can get this thing turned around!