Everything Ain’t Nothing…
by Harriet Hairston
I just finished watching Alicia Keys perform on the 10th Annual BET Awards. It’s really hard to believe she’s been in the business for 10 years! She is a powerful lyricist, a prolific performer and a rare gem in the music world. Her talent and drive are second to none, and she is a perfect example of what hard work, tenacity and perseverance can bring you in the music business. She went beyond the one-hit-wonderisms of the music industry today; she wins Grammy after Grammy and creates hit after hit. The woman and her team have the Midas touch when it comes to music! She has even crossed over into the movie industry with her role in “The Secret Life of Bees,” and she didn’t do half bad as an assassin in “Smoking Aces.”
I should be celebrating Ms. Keys’ successes, and to this end, I do. PLUS she is expecting her first child and recently got engaged to the love of her life.
…But therein lies my frustration. I don’t know her personally, but to be honest, that’s about as far as I can go with nice things to say. If you’re like me, you had a mama that told you if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And if you’re like me, you probably ignored that valuable advice a time or two. This is going to be one of those times where a girl has to say what she’s gotta say, come hell or high water.
If you know me, you know I’m not a hater. I celebrate the victories of others every time I get a chance. It warms my heart to hear of breakthroughs, and it breaks my heart when I learn of losses. Don’t get me wrong…she is just the prototype and poster child of what I’m talking about. This article is not focused on THE Alicia Keys, per se, but the same kind of Big Pimpin’ that plagues the sanctity of marriage today.
I stated that Ms. Keys was recently engaged, and I should celebrate. But it’s kinda hard to do so when the man she received her ring from just got his divorce finalized at the beginning of this month. I stated that Ms. Keys is expecting her first child, and I would never shake my head at a child entering this world. Nevertheless, she is carrying a child that is a product of adultery. That is not an indictment on the child, but on the parents who chose to cheat in order to conceive.
…And like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives. I’m not going to be one to make predictions about this relationship. Ms. Keys could apologize to the former Mrs. Beatz, their families could blend like many of the families on BMWK, and they all could live happily ever after.
My desire is to address a few deeper issues:
- WHY is the world at large acting like this is OK? The Brangelinas and Swizzkeys in the spotlight are making it seem like true love is not about commitment, but thievery.
- Is “having it all” worth it if it is gained by any means necessary? Of course, the answer is no, but situations like this will have unfocused minds wondering if the grass is greener on the other side because it sure looks easy on TV.
- Is there something wrong with morality? It seems these days that right is wrong and wrong is right!
I’ve learned a few things in my short time on this earth: 1) You reap what you sow/karma is no joke/you can’t hide from the law of reciprocity; and 2) Anything done without God will either fail miserably or succeed even more miserably. I pray neither of the above affect the upcoming nuptials of Swizzkeys…but in this case, prayers may not be enough.
Anything done the wrong way can be turned right with humility and communication. In the case of the Mashonda/Swizz Beatz/Alicia Keys triangle, I hope that takes place…not for the sake of the adults who made some childish decisions, but for the sake of two children who did not ask to be here. I could truly go on and on, but here’s the bottom line and “So what?” for me: EVERYTHING ain’t NOTHING if it’s ill gotten gain.
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: ”author.” You can purchase her first book, ”Who Are You?“ simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.
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Comments (35)
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Alicia Keys has done what many women have done and will continue to do despite all of the looks from others. I don't care how much you are feeling a connection, flirtations, or any other signs of attractions....Swissbeatz was a married man living with his wife and you were the mistress. I am not going to say that no good can come of this relationship, but karma is a bleep!!!
As people we need to respect the sanctity of marriage, even if he is coming on to you he is still living with his wife, being seen in public with his wife, having relations with his wife. His wife wasn't the problem, it was him. As a woman that know that he is in a "committed" relationship, even if he said he was going to get a divorce, you should atleast wait until they are no longer living together....atleast.
It is that reasoning that prob found Alicia Keys in her current situation. That, "well they aren't living together reasoning" is sibling to "she doesn't understand him, sex him, feed him, support him, (insert whatever other thing the wife doesnt do for her husband that the chick on the side THINKS she can do better) for him like I do" reasoning that makes all the Joe & Mary's of this world think its okay to even make eye contact with a married man.
That's right I said it. Eye contact is the first dead giveaway that a man (or woman) is open to "doing" something. So when a man and woman makes eye contact if its a lingering one its usually a done deal unless someone breaks the eye contact.
My advice for women, look at his ring finger first. If there is a ring there, or an indentation of what used to be a ring (meaning he took it off or stop wearing it RECENTLY) or even if its a high school or graduation ring (meaning he may be covering up the indentation or light mark of a wedding ring that USED to be there) she shouldn't raise her eyes up to meet his.
Cuz no married man should be looking a woman in passing (other than his wife) in the eye no way... let alone it be a lingering gaze...
I'm off my soap box now...
I recently watched an episode of Oprah where the mistresses talked about their side of the situations. These women did not care about the wives, homelives, children, only about their own selfish needs. I couldn't and still can't understand this thinking. I require to be the first lady in his life. If he can only call me when he is at work or from his momma's house then he is suspect. We as women need to demand more of these men, and vice versa.
But they often say, a relationship often begins the same way it ends. So I expect this "union" to end in a few years due to some new love triangle.
AMEN!!
I 100% co-sign EVERYTHING you said!
I just wanted to add two more things:
1)I have NEVER taken entertainers or athletes as role models. I plan to continuously reinforce this with my daughter. I prefer to look at the people in the scriptures of all world religions, my family, and some members in the community at large. I even dare say myself. I think it’s wonderful to live well but it’s better to live right. My previous work experience showed me up close and personal how many have fame, and fortune but they are miserable and can’t enjoy their wealth. I do believe that just like poverty can corrupt and break down peoples morals so can wealth.
2)I know many are sick and tired of hearing the interracial marriage is the solution to the shortage of black men, but personally, given this woman ACCESS she could have found a non-married suitable mate from any race/ethnicity/religious group. Given that she had access and opted for a married man speaks volumes about the bee hive mindset of some black women. It’s possible to honor our ancestors, respect our history, and implement our heritage while exploring men from all over the planet. I don’t care how miserable the marriage was this man has shamed and debased him self—and from what I see on the black blogosphere and internet—he is being celebrated. Any man that goes against the grain is penalized. There are men at my hubby’s job that like to brag about their sex parities, and strip club parties. My husband has declined all of their invitations to join them. Their reactions to his firmness was to disparage our religion, put down his accent, and call him a whimp who is afraid of his wife.
I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes. But adultery is not one of them.
Peace
We've all made our mistakes and sinned. No one is immune, which is why I wrote the article with GRACE in mind, instead of judgement. The truth of the matter is whether it was adultery, or lying, or manipulation or WHATEVER...it's the poison that seeks to ruin our lives, and we have to be willing to own up to it in order to get beyond it. It's all terrible in the eyes of God, so I can't very well say that Keys in her current state is worse than I was in the state where I was justifying every wrong that I did instead of acknowledging it as wrong.
She's got some growing up to do...but so do we all. I pray she finds God's path in her journey.
I think it's important to address these types of issues, and unfortunately for Ms. Keys, she is the poster child for what a lot of other men adn women are doing.
All that said, as adults, we have to be willing to be held accountable for our actions and/or omissions. That's all part of the package. We all deal with them differently and in our own timing, but if they are not addressed, in many respects we stagnate and get stuck.
Life IS messy...a LOT, not just sometimes. I've just learned (to a great extent the hard way) that trouble and mess will come. I don't have to create it for myself. That's the difference I'm trying to portray.
Thanks for the comment!
For those who'd think I'd feel differently if I was the wife...no actually, I didn't. My relationship ended with that man ended when I decided I didn't want to be with him and began the long wait until I was able to actually file for a divorce. What he did after that point was his business. He did exactly what I knew he'd do and jumped right to the next woman, then the next woman, and the next...I hear that that's very hurtful to some women. To those women, I hope you find peace. Unlike him, I didn't feel the need to jump into an involvement with someone else and still haven't, but it wasn't because of him and I didn't try to make him feel guilty about seeing someone else while divorce proceedings were still being commenced. I know I'm one of the rare breeds out there that feel this way. I still respect the feelings of the other women/men out there who feel differently.
Had he been involved with someone while we were together, I would have felt that he'd cheated, but after things had ended and we were just waiting for someone's signature on paperwork (and waiting until we could even file even though we weren't together)? No.
Obviously, this did not apply to Alicia's situation since her fiance' was still living with his wife, but I did want to remind people that all situations aren't the same. In a lot of cases/states, you can't just get a divorce just like that...there's a process and it takes time...so if you're going to go by whether or not the final decree has been signed yet over a year later...yeah, a lot of people would be considered cheaters and subject to bad karma according to some people.
In Alicia's case, he was still living in the home with his wife and child. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that she was the mistress. If he wasn't happy at home he should have left and then started the new relationship. You never know how karma is going to get you.....
God is not mocked
Whatsoever a man soweth
That shall he also reap
That is probably why she was running around Africa getting her child and her fiance blessed by Zulu witches, she already feels the hand of God in the situation somewhere and not in a positive light. Somethings the public will only know later or maybe never at all.
Well, my karma came in a big way. I found out this year that he had been cheating on me for at least two years, beginning when I got pregnant with our child. There were two women that I know of that he was involved with over the course of those two years, and one of them is pregnant right now supposedly with his child. After speaking to this person about what lies he told her, I found that they were similar to the things he told me about his marriage to his first wife. I was floored. Not only had karma bit me in the *ss, he wasn't very original in his methods, and he may have a child from this affair. The woman is trying to pull the strings in our marriage too. She uses the threat of him not seeing his baby ever again to keep him involved with her, and she also has cozied up to my daughter. She says things that sound like she's expecting to make a family with him, their child and mine! It's a crazy situation that I never would have imagined I would find myself in even in my deepest moments of guilt and worry about karma. He and I are still married, and I pray everyday that God will deliver my husband from his demons and my marriage as well. I realized that the very foundation of our relationship was built on lies and deception and pain from my involvement in his previous marriage. I pray for God to exorcise my demons and deliver me from the karma that I have been living with everyday. Karma is very real. I also pray for God's will to be done in my marriage - if it is his will for it to survive, that he will give us the tools and desire with which to heal our marriafe, but if that is not his will, I pray for the courage to truly let my husband go and allow me to move into the life that God has intended for me. The only caveat I have about this scenario is the knowledge that if it doesn't work out for us, if my husband is not willing to work at rebuilding our marriage on solid ground, regardless of what happens with us, karma will visit this woman's doorstep (and the first woman's too). If his pregnant mistress thinks she's won him at that point, she'll soon realize that the prize she thinks she's won from my misery and pain will bring her the same measure (if not more) pain and misery too. And karma will continue to circulate in her life - and eventually his - until someone breaks the cycle.
So for those of you considering an affair with a married man or who are full of yourself enough to believe that you're different, take my example and end it NOW! Karma will follow you - it has to. Even if he does marry you, you won't truly be happy, because karma will be lurking around the corner ready to pounce on you when you least expect it to.
I believe I failed to articulate my true feelings on the issue of adultery. Let me try this again. This truthfully isn’t about Alicia Keys and her boyfriend. Nor is it about condemning her personhood or life. Truth be told, I don’t care about people who don’t care about me. At the end of the day I know who, and what matters.
This is my position on adultery:
Right now black women are the primary recipients of HIV/AIDS (in low income areas they have unknowingly transmitted the disease (and other STD’s) to their infants). Adultery is NOW a health and safety issue for everyone. The majority of the cases are transmitted due to partner sharing. Adultery that is consistent and long term is emotional and sexual abuse. My understanding of the agenda at this forum was to promote healthy and functional marriages within the African American community. From a health and safety perspective I condemn adultery not matter the class, race, gender, or religion of the person. HIV/AIDS doesn’t discriminate.
American women of all races are in blatant denial about shifting demographics. The media has a field day lamenting the marriage squeeze in our ethnic group but never bothered to investigate the same problems in other ethnic groups. Look at what happened to Jennifer Anniston and Sandra Bullock. We have a problem Houston! When a disproportionate amount of women outnumber men the natural pressures of evolution are going to transpire. Married women do not have the luxury of turning a blind eye to their single sisters who are still trying to marry. It is the responsibility of the established to marry off the young people in their community or at the very least point them in the direction of marriage outside of the community. Our society has long abandoned the system of male mentoring where older men emphasized the importance of self-discipline, and self mastery so that you don’t become a menace to society. Many men simply lack the training and support to resist the temptation of having legions of women throw themselves at you on a daily basis. Furthermore, due to these shifting demographics you will find that women are losing political power, economic power, and reproductive power. Repeat offenders of adultery are practicing polygamy—they just can’t do it legally. And polygamy is man sharing or partner sharing.
And finally you mention that one should have grace. I agree to a point. Adultery truly isn’t an accident or mistake really. An adult engaging in unprotected sex isn’t an accident either. My husband and I are two different faith traditions. Both of our traditions maintain there are greater and lesser sins. Adultery in our traditions carries the same wait as murder. Traditionally, marriage was seen as “belonging to the community.” So, what you do doesn’t just affect you but the entire community, therefore it is regulated. From a secular point of view one could argue this is true today: for example when men abdicate their financial responsibilities the tax payer must pay the tab.
Peace
I do disagree with the "spectrum of sin" doctrine, though. It's all wrong in the eyes of God, but I think that the consequences are far reaching if not checked in a timely manner.
Either way, it's agreed that what Ms. Keys--and countless others NOT in the spotlight--is doing is wrong. But she's still breathing, which means that she has just as big an opportunity to both recognize and receive God's grace as anyone else with breath in their lungs.
Thanks again for your thought provoking commentary!
"Both of our traditions maintain there are greater and lesser sins. Adultery in our traditions carries the same wait as murder."
Should be:
"Both of our traditions maintain there are greater and lesser sins. Adultery in our traditions carries the same weight as murder."
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@Anonymous
I’m sorry to hear about the disintegration, and distress you are going through. However your situation began, I encourage you get tested for HIV/AID’s and other STD’s if you’re being cheated on. I’d also encourage you to get legal and emotional counseling, and create an exit strategy.
Personally, my deal breakers are: adultery, domestic violence, child abuse and neglect, drug abuse, gambling, incarceration, morbid obesity.
Peace and good luck
Now on the topic of adultery in general I think both parties are to blame but the other woman gets all the hate. Its sad that this still happens in this day and time. Why is this blog about Alicia and not Swizz? Why isn't this about why everyone is hating on her and not him? And if it was about Swizz, why is it wrong for him to date before his divorce was final? If it was over then he should be allowed to move on. I wish him and Alicia the best.