Some Men Still Do Care About Love and Fatherhood
by Delano Squires
I attended a three-day conference last week in Hampton, VA by the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative (AAHMI). People from around the country came together to present their work in many areas critical to the African American family: financial literacy, marriage education programs, strategies to support low-income fathers, etc. The last session I attended featured two organizations concerned with the healthy development of males, both as young men and as fathers. One of the presenters, from the Urban Leadership Institute (ULI), discussed his organization’s efforts to assist single mothers raising boys. The ULI uses text messages, conference calls, and YouTube videos to provide mothers with a wealth of information, from how to navigate individual education plans (IEPs) to tips on creating an “exit strategy” to ensure boys do not enter into adulthood totally dependent on their mothers. The other presenter was from the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), an organization whose mission is “to improve the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with an involved, responsible, and committed father.” The presentation included surveys on male and female perceptions of fatherhood. For instance, while over 90% of mothers surveyed believe there is a father absence crisis in America, 55% of the mothers said they believe fathers are replaceable. Surprisingly, 66% of men surveyed said they also believe fathers are replaceable. These statistics are disturbing, not because single mothers can’t raise children successfully, but because they are indicative of a common perception in American culture: men and fathers are a luxury, not a necessity.
In our popular culture, discussions concerning love and relationships are often viewed as the exclusive province of women. Furthermore, men are often seen as an unnecessary appendage with regard to child rearing – good to have around but not critical to achieving positive results. This is not to say that women are incapable of raising successful children alone, but research has clearly demonstrated that children raised in married two-parent homes have better social, emotional, economic, and future relationship outcomes than children raised in single parent homes. Part of the problem is that men have willingly accepted this paradigm. Think of the approach to relationships taken by magazines and websites targeted at men and women. Most popular magazines for men focus on sex and tips on how to be a better lover. They say very little, however, on how to actually improve one’s relationship or give tips on how to better love her. Women’s magazines, conversely, typically take a more balanced approach to love and relationships, frequently dispensing advice on both physical and relational intimacy. Our culture is inundated with negative images of men, particularly black men, with regard to relationships and fatherhood. Sometimes it seems as if all one sees is men who are habitually unfaithful, controlling, abusive, irresponsible, or emotionally detached. Images of actively engaged, loving, humble, committed, and faithful men, husbands, and fathers are comparatively few in number. One wonders if this trend is actually reflective of reality or whether it is continually perpetuated – oftentimes in our own music and pop culture – because we have an appetite for it.
One of the most encouraging aspects of last week’s conference was both the number of men in attendance and the number of men leading organizations that are dedicated to reversing the trends that have negatively affected our families. Organizations and individuals concerned about black families must continue to support single parents and their efforts to raise healthy, successful children but we must be very clear about the ideal environment for child rearing: a loving and committed two-parent household. This message is especially important for adults who are not married or don’t have children but want to start a family someday. It is also critically important for our children, particularly those who have never seen or experienced a married African American couple firsthand. In some neighborhoods, a child growing up in a home with his/her father is an exception, not the norm. It is here where positive examples of men and fathers are most needed, or else the cycle of father absence will continue to negatively impact our children, families, and communities.
BMWK, do you think the success of some single mothers in raising children has made us believe fathers are no longer necessary? Brothers, do you feel your voice is heard and respected on the topic of love, relationships, and parenting? Sisters, do you get most of your advice about men from other men or other women?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
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Comments (19)
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
I hear my girl friends but I definitely ask the opinion of my guy friends and family members.
Is it really that simple? I don't think it is. There are many reasons men (and women) may not hang around. I am not defending that choice. I just know it is not that cut and dry. Recently, I have been communicating with my father trying to get answers as to why he was not there. From having these very frank discussions I have learned that there are many factors at work in the father-mother-child dynamic. Being a grown man with my own family helps me understand his position a lot better than I would have a decade ago. I could give a lot more detail, but I am not trying to write a book on Lamar and Ronnie's site. I just don't think demonizing absent fathers and lionizing present mothers does anything to help hurting children. And it is often creates a very inaccurate image of both.
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No Sir, I most certainly don’t! I think it’s a combination of modernization, our economic system; demographic shifts, structural racism, and a hijacked culture (if you believe our ethnic group had one culture). Specifically the culture of “I don’t need a man” or “You don’t need a man.” But the culture degenerated for a reason in response to an event: abandonment. As long as black women and men engage in endless gender warfare this will continue to happen.
Respectfully, the way the question is structured almost implies it’s primarily the woman’s fault for successfully parenting alone that causes the man to abdicate parental obligations. I believe the way our society is structured actually encourages ALL races of men to be detached from family in order to compete in a free market system—competition or bartering is really fighting EVERY day to earn your living. Based off the criticism I’ve read from scholars such as Bell Hooks, and Angela Davis I’m uncertain as to if a reformed economic system would correct the problem in our ethnic group. I believe ultimately comes back to the warfare between black women and men and the unnatural inner lives that warfare has produced. I also believe it comes down to a lack of ethnic self-respect. Everyone sees their image in their child. To throw away your child is to kill yourself.
Brothers, do you feel your voice is heard and respected on the topic of love, relationships, and parenting?
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N/A will ask my husband to respond when he gets home from work.
Sisters, do you get most of your advice about men from other men or other women?
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With the exception of my parents I generally don’t take advice from lay people. And If I do I always look at how they are managing whatever they are trying to advise me about. I’ve read marriage and parenting books written by both men and women. I’ve actually some of the discussions I’ve had with men more so than women! LOL
I wish I could say she did it with ease and effortless grace, but that's just not so. Mom made it look easy but over the years, I saw just how lonely she really was. Ultimately, I realized that my grandmother had the very same experience, as did her mother before her.
So what does that mean for me? I am 27 years old, I have never seriously dated and I have spent years being terrified of following the same pattern.
I think many of us believe we don't deserve the joy of a fulfilling relationship or worse, that such a relationship is even possible.
I think mediation is silly when the parties weren't able to come to an agreement on their own...but sometime it takes someone else to say the same thing you've been saying for them to finally get a clue.